Chapter 31
Grief isn’t something you get over; it’s something that lives alongside you.
That’s what Lee told me just after we got back from Kelly’s funeral. And when I say it’s been living alongside us for way too long already, I’m understating it. Grief feels like a third person in our relationship, and it demands all the attention.
Some days are better than others. Christopher allows himself to laugh now and then at the TV shows we watch, though I intentionally stick to comedy and avoid any mention of death or childbirth.
But the melancholy always returns.
Hours sometimes seem like days, weeks like years.
The only respite I’ve had over the last four months is when I’ve been off recording the new album in New York and Nashville. But that’s gone now that I’ve recorded the album, and I have the whole summer before everything ramps up again in the fall.
Of everything that’s happened though over the last four months, it’s Christopher’s anger that worries me the most. The outbursts, the snapping, the refusal to let me help him like I did when Andrew tried to take his own life and moved away. Even the stress balls no longer seem to be working.
I’d confided in my mom, back in April after one particularly bad argument, about wanting to break things off with Christopher, but she was having none of it.
You show up, no matter what. Even if you’re scared shitless. You continue to show up. Be a constant in his world full of uncertainty.
So that’s what I’ve been doing. Showing up. Doing my best to be there to support him through this. Be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen. A face to sometimes laugh at first thing in the morning when I’m looking far from my best.
But I still feel like whatever I do, it’s never enough.
But instead of turning back to alcohol or drugs, I’ve continued to turn to songwriting and therapy instead. I’ve used them as outlets to express how I feel. Some of my best songs have come out of the process.
The one thing I do know is that I need a break, we need a break, from everything. And I’m hoping our upcoming trip to chase tornadoes will give us some new memories to cherish, rather than continuing to be stuck on the past.
Today feels like a day of endings and new beginnings.
The first ending is finishing therapy. It is a little harder because Lee is now living here in LA, owing to something about her daughter and cancer.
It was a blessing to do sessions in person.
They got me out of the house so I could speak freely about issues with Christopher without him overhearing.
I could even tolerate that my sessions followed a support group for women, who stared at me every time I headed in after them.
But now it’s a curse, because I have to end our therapeutic relationship in the real world, rather than from behind a computer screen.
Lee adjusts herself in the beige armchair. Her newly trimmed white hair hovers just above the shoulders of her green dress.
“And you’re sure you are ready?”
“I do.” I fiddle with the guitar pic Christopher got me.
I’ve felt this way for the past three weeks now.
All therapized out. Struggling with what to talk about.
It feels like Groundhog Day, covering the same things about Christopher, where he’s at, how it impacts me.
I’ve got a steady hand on my sobriety. I’m nine months clean and sober.
The nightmares and flashbacks with David have stopped.
My parents seem to be getting on better than ever as they work through their divorce.
And the issues with Paul have all pretty much been resolved.
I haven’t had any dealings with him since Christmas.
Aside from Christopher, there don’t seem to be any problems I have to contend with—for once in my life.
“I can see why you would want to come to an end. And I’m inclined to agree, but I would say one thing.” Lee pauses to wipe a smudge from her glasses before continuing. “We should schedule one final session, just to have a managed ending, rather than abruptly ending your therapy here.”
I reluctantly nod. I’d hoped to have this over and done with, but I guess one final session won’t hurt. And it’s better than trying to be convinced I should stay in therapy any longer.
I reach for my phone to check my calendar and work out when I’m available after our upcoming trip and offer up a date.
“Friday June twenty-seventh? Same time?”
Lee confirms that it works for her and we exchange pleasantries before I say goodbye, head outside, and momentarily forget where my car is. I look for my truck before remembering I brought the silver Mercedes today. I get into my car, type the record label address into Waze and set off.
One more thing off my list done, only a few more to go.
The battle between deciding whether Won’t Fall Anymore and I’m A Broken Man will be the first single from my new album has been dragging on for the last week now. With the album announcement going out today, along with the preorders, the label wants to lock in a decision.
Both the CEO of the label and head of promotions have pushed for Won’t Fall Anymore, saying we need a dark and gritty song to launch the album rather than a ballad like I’m A Broken Man.
I’d pointed to several examples of artists, including Adele, who have successfully launched a new album with a ballad.
But they started talking about how ballads don’t work on TikTok and that ballads usually perform best during winter, not at the height of summer when the first single is due to drop.
After John reassured me outside that we’ll get to release I’m A Broken Man as the next single after Won’t Fall Anymore, I conceded at the start of the meeting, much to the label’s relief.
I guess I can compromise on that, given I wouldn’t compromise on the album title or artwork.
Betty.
The word is written in the pupil of a hazel eye. Christopher’s hazel eye, slightly doctored for dramatic effect.
I can’t wait to show him later, now that I have a mock-up of the vinyl. I’d played the last track I’d recorded for the album, Darkest Days, for him two days ago, telling him it’s dedicated to all he’s been through.
I twiddle with the vinyl sleeve while the album cover and accompanying social assets for today’s announcement are brought up on the plasma screen, and handouts are passed down to the twenty or so people from the label who are all sitting along the long mahogany table.
Leah, my new marketing point person, runs everyone through the rollout.
“The announcement is scheduled to go out at four p.m. Pacific today. Spotify, Apple, and all have their pre-save countdowns going live, and we have the various album bundles all lined up and ready to roll out on Alexander’s website.”
Collective nods come from the team member.
“Alexander, are you still good to do a live stream for the announcement?”
All eyes turn to me, including Connie and John’s, who know I’m due to be headed to the airport at that time.
Surely a simple video announcement will do, rather than a drawn-out live stream.
My chest tightens at the thought of all the questions fans will ask, which isn’t helped when it becomes clear that neither Connie or John are prepared to come in and push back on the request.
“Sure,” I say, putting the vinyl down.
I guess I can do a quick five-minute live stream at the house before the driver picks us up for the airport.
“Do we have a confirmed release date for the film?” Leah asks.
“They’ve moved it forward two months. November seventh. Same date as the album,” John jumps in, putting down the yellow highlighter he brought. It worked overtime on the handout as he marked all the key details and dates. Once a lawyer, always a lawyer, I guess.
The film. God, the film.
It was a painful watch when Alfonso brought John and me in to watch the final cut. Not only because it’s painful to watch myself on-screen, but the guy I left behind in November was there in full Technicolor.
The struggles.
The addiction in my eyes.
All captured in the footage.
One thing that made it less painful was not having to watch it with Laura or Brian. Thankfully, Laura had gone into labor a week early, and Brian was out shooting another film, but surprisingly wasn’t at the birth.
Alfonso managed to do a convincing job though, impressing the studios so much that they’ve opted for a full theatrical release rather than going straight to streaming.
He also wanted to set up a global promotional tour and move the film forward, feeling it could compete in the upcoming awards season.
Which is why I need this break more than ever.
The fourth quarter of my planner is looking busier than it’s ever done before.
The label staff shares looks of concern. An unnerving feeling rises in my chest at the clash. I’ve been dreading this more than the choice of the lead single, despite Connie and John’s reassurances that it won’t be a problem.
Leah leans forward, notes something down on the handout, and pushes it aside.
“Don’t you worry that both projects being released at the same time will overshadow each other?”
Connie unbuttons her blazer and speaks up, already prepared for the pushback.
“The looks, the opportunities, the exposure will be amazing. We’ve already got a handful of magazine covers locked in, including GQ and Vogue.
Just think, Alexander could have a number one single, album, and film simultaneously.
He’d only be the third male to do it after Prince did it in 1984 and Will Smith in 1997. ”
Connie’s eyes glisten as John follows up, working like a tag team in a wrestling match.
“And if he did, it’d be the first time a Universal artist has achieved the feat,” John says, playing right into their Achilles heel. They want that feather in their cap.
Leah and the CEO exchange a look and Leah nods.
“Right. It’d be good to be connected with the team over there then, to coordinate our strategies and promotional schedules.”