10. Irina
Chapter 10
Irina
I closed the door harder than needed before leaning against it.
The all-consuming feeling of being near Luca was like an electric wave, going up the tide and embracing me in its shock.
What was wrong with me?
Every man was the same so what made him different?
The urge to look out of the window and see if he was still there nerved me. I dug my nails into my palms to refrain myself.
I’d crossed the line tonight, a lapse of judgment on my part. A mistake.
I didn’t expect to see Luca tonight, let alone touch him the way I did—the way he touched me .
I bit my lip, remembering the way his skilled fingers elicited my desires in a way it never had before.
And yes, it was my fault for being in the men’s locker room, but the women’s was under renovation and the Club was empty. How was I supposed to know that he’d be there at that time?
And when he opened up about his past. . .
My fingertips buzzed from where I’d touched his jagged scars. I nearly recoiled when he’d told me how he’d gotten them. He’d only been a boy and had endured such obscene pain.
I shouldn’t have let the spur of the moment get to my head. I had already been treading water since I got to Italy and it didn’t help that Luca was always there, attempting to strip me bare and pull out my demons.
I want to know about yours.
His words replayed in my head. There was a sick sort of irony about us. At fifteen, he’d put an end to his abuse. At fifteen, I’d killed the first man who laid their hands on me.
Defeat sunk deep into my stomach. Dammit, he was different. Everything about him was different. Yes, he was insufferable and arrogant, but for some reason, he was the first person capable of seeing past the deceit.
I knew it the moment he’d stepped into that bathroom to clean my hand. He saw me.
My chest caved, pushing down the ruckus of emotions. I couldn’t allow myself to empathize with him no matter how desperately I wanted to give in.
Luca could never be mine. Not in this lifetime or the next. He was the leader of the Camorra and part of Roman’s crew. The same crew who took in my brother.
Luca would be over his fixation for me once I left and this game would be forgotten. Short-lived like everything else in my life .
My father would be ashamed of me if he knew what I’d done.
I swallowed the bitter taste in my mouth and walked toward the kitchen.
It was early in the morning, the silence comforting, and I lavished in it, knowing that the world was asleep.
I stopped short when I saw Nicolai sitting on the stool, his elbows perched on the kitchen island with his head bowed.
“Nicolai?”
He slowly turned and stared at me. The sight of him nearly causing me to stumble back.
This was the first time he appeared disheveled. Blond hair sticking out in all directions, eyes bloodshot and black rings around them.
“I didn’t think anyone was up.”
I walked toward him, taking the empty seat beside him. “I never slept.”
He didn’t say anything for a long while, gazing blankly at the bay windows from across the room.
The room felt smaller with each passing second and I couldn’t sit here until it closed in on me, knowing there was something wrong.
“Are you okay?”
He cleared his throat, his brown eyes settling on me as his lips lifted in a tight smile. “Do I look that terrible?”
I nodded my head, trailing my gaze along his tortured features.
“To be truthful, I get these nightmares. . . and it’s suffocating .” He closed his eyes, his throat moving as he swallowed. “It feels like a noose around my neck, and I try to claw it away, but it never does.”
A piece of my heart cracked, blood oozing out from his anguish. I understood that feeling all too well.
“What are they about?” I asked hoarsely.
“My past.”
My eyes stung, and I had to grit my teeth to stop the unshed tears from welling up.
If I didn’t ask now, then I didn’t know if I’d get the opportunity again, not when Roman warned me not to get close to him.
“Did something happen to you, Nicolai?”
His face drained of color and the moment his mouth went slack, I knew he was slipping into that void that he’d been to last time.
Remembering what happened the last time I touched him, I refrained from doing it again.
“Nicolai,” I said a bit harshly, pulling him back to the present before he slipped away completely.
He visibly shuddered before inhaling sharply, running a hand over his face. “You’re a good friend, Irina, but I can’t talk about my past with you when I can’t even seem to come to terms with it myself.”
I tried to clear the lodge of despair from my throat. Although it stung that he couldn’t talk to me which was understandable considering all things, he saw me as a friend and that was what I’d hold on to.
“I get nightmares too,” I whispered as if I was unsure whether to share this with him. “Sometimes I feel like it’s better to stay in it than wake up and realize nothing has changed. You’re still haunted by them until it happens again.”
Nicolai’s head snapped to me, and his eyes flashed with what appeared to be shock.
“You eventually learn to cope with it in your own way, but I can’t promise you false words that it gets better.”
His lips pursed as he nodded. It might’ve not been what he wanted to hear, but I hoped by telling him about myself reassured a part of him that he was seen and understood.
The sound of footsteps emerged, and we turned in unison to see Gianna—Roman’s head housemaid—walk into the kitchen, stopping when she saw us.
“Early risers?” she asked in a motherly tone, a smile brightening her face.
“Something like that,” I replied, glancing at Nicolai.
Aurora rummaged around the ballroom of the Underground Club, directing the workers on their tasks for her gender reveal.
She was a commanding woman, and I had no doubt it was her husband’s influence.
I laughed, walking toward her as she huffed and rubbed her belly.
“You could’ve hired an event planner.”
“No, I want to be involved in everything regarding my baby.” She smirked and looked down at the swell of her belly. “I can’t believe I’m going to be a mom,” she choked.
“You deserve it more than anyone, Rora.” I hugged her from the back, my face resting on her shoulder. “And I’ll be the best aunt.”
Her head tilted back as she laughed. “I’ve no doubt about that. You’ll drive us both insane.”
A sadness overtook me as I kissed her cheek.
Please, don’t hate me.
“It’s all coming together nicely.”
Workers moved around the open space, setting up blue and pink décor. It was extravagant and the grandest gender reveal I’d ever attended—not that I’d been to one before.
“It is,” Aurora replied, her green eyes glossing over. “I can’t believe how fast it’s all happening.”
“Our little girl can’t come fast enough.”
“You want the baby to be a girl?” she asked in amusement, turning to face me.
“Of course, I do. Who else will replace you as my best friend?” I smirked as she shoved me lightheartedly.
“Keep that same attitude when I have you changing diapers.”