19. Irina
Chapter 19
Irina
I couldn’t prolong the inevitable.
It was midday when I walked down the pathway of the backyard and toward Nico’s.
I’d learned that he didn’t live in the house like I expected but in the shed out back.
The cold air didn’t do anything to dull the nauseous heat spreading from my chest.
I was going into this conversation blindly, but instinct told me that my brother would hear me out. He wasn’t hot headed and irrational like most men in our world. I could trust him.
I knocked on the wooden door twice before stepping back, fidgeting in place. It was unusual for me to be this nervous. I’d been in situations less comfortable, yet this had me more tense.
But the difference was my heart was on the line.
This was the first time I’d let someone see how damaged it was .
Lies. Luca saw it and you ran.
My throat tightened as my subconscious screamed at me to turn around.
I was torn, the weight of my responsibility crushing me beneath gravity.
It was then that the door creaked open, pulling me from my thoughts as a composed Nicolai appeared on the other side.
His smile lasted all of a second before it dropped. “Why do you appear frightened?”
I blinked in uncertainty, anxiety rippling off me in waves.
“Can I come in?”
He nodded and opened the door wider.
I walked into the small space, the shed a replica of the main house. It was tidy and didn’t feel as warm.
I took a seat on the black leather couch, linking my fingers together.
“Are you hurt?” My brother asked, seating himself beside me.
“No.”
“Are you here to accompany your misery again?” The side of his mouth lifted in a grin.
I choked out a laugh because that couldn’t be closer to the truth. “Something like that.”
He waited for me to continue, pushing his glasses up with the tip of his finger.
Nerves wound tight around me as I tried breathing through my next words. “I need to tell you something.”
“What is it?”
“I don’t even know how to say it,” I admitted .
If my father knew I geared off track and exposed myself to Nicolai this way, he’d see it as a betrayal.
And maybe I was na?ve and blind for believing that I was doing the right thing, but I was tired .
For once in my life, I wanted something for myself.
“You can trust me, Irina.” His brown eyes were warm as he gazed at me with care.
“It’s. . . it’s about your father.” The stillness after I uttered those words created a pressure in my ears until all I could hear was the thump of my heart.
“My father?” A darkness shrouded him, his face icing over in swiftness.
“Roman told me he’s dead.” I shook my head, my heart ready to come up my throat. “But that’s not true.”
“I don’t have a father,” his voice roughed.
“Nicolai. . . ”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” He stood abruptly, his hand raising toward me in defensiveness. “How would you even know that?”
I stood along with him, my body slightly trembling as I grabbed my chest in hopes of stopping the constant pain residing there.
Time ceased as we stared at one another.
His face appeared agonized, turning a pale color, while mine fell in sadness, eyes watering.
“Look at me,” I whispered, as if that answered his question. “I know you see the resemblance.”
He shook his head, eyes pinched shut, and I knew he was fighting internally. “ No.”
“Nicolai. . . ”
“No.”
“I’m your sister.”
As if my words gutted him, he stumbled back, gazing at me in bewilderment.
“No!” I took a step toward him before his hand shot up again, stopping me from coming closer. “Don’t.”
“Nicolai, please ,” I whispered, his rejection stinging. “Let me explain.”
“Explain what?” he spat out. “This sick joke?”
“I would never do that to you.”
“How would I know?” he raged on, his eyes rounding in a viciousness I’d never seen on him before. “You’re a fucking stranger to me!”
The scabbed wound inside my chest split open, blood rushing out and threatening to consume me—drown me in its misery.
It was hard to swallow that pill and put myself in his shoes. I understood his reaction, but I didn’t think it’d be like this. He was cruel and nothing like the man I’d come to know.
“I don’t want to be strangers anymore.” My eyes darted between his brown ones. “Hear me out, and if you want me to leave afterward, I will.”
The lies piled up, and it sickened me. If Nicolai didn’t accept to come with me willingly, I had to resort to less pleasant methods and I really didn’t want to do that.
His silence was my cue to continue, even though that was the worst thing he could’ve done.
He’d told me I could trust him, but now I wasn’t sure if I could. Problematic outcomes whirled through my mind as I collected my thoughts.
But I was exhausted . I didn’t want to continue pretending and lying when this was the one chance I had at convincing him I only wanted to make up for our lost time.
I wanted a family.
“I know I’m in no position of asking this of you, but I need you to promise me that this stays between us.”
“I can’t d-.”
“Promise me,” I enunciated, my face stiffening with urgency.
Nicolai must’ve seen the desperation written on my face because he sighed and sat down again with his elbows resting on his knees.
The fabric had become thin and worn. There was no use in prolonging the tear.
“You’re heir to the Bratva. The next Pakha n. ”
Tension rose in the cold room as his face hardened.
I stilled, expecting a flicker of his surprise, but he was stoic, his eyes glazed over in wrath.
My mouth parted as shock coursed through me. “You knew.”
The muscle in his jaw pulsed as he scathed me with his gaze. “How come no one knows that the Pakhan has a daughter?”
I pulled the side of my jeans down slightly and showed him the triangle tattoo on my hip. “It was safer to keep me hidden.”
“Safer for who?”
I remained silent. He was tearing me apart with his words, and I couldn’t do anything but take it.
“So, you’re one of them.”
One of them .
I looked ahead, unwilling to meet his eyes. His tone of voice had a tinge of judgment in it, and I couldn’t handle it if I saw that crossing his face. Not from him. “Yes.”
“Does Roman know? Does Aurora know?”
I swallowed the bile threatening to rise at the mention of my best friend’s name. “No.”
“Wow,” Nicolai scoffed. “You truly have everyone fooled.”
The ache in my chest bloomed with fury as I flicked my attention to him, a burning sensation ripping my flesh. “Don’t judge me when you don’t know a single thing about the sacrifices I’ve made. The moment I found out about you. . . ” I paused, my lips trembling. “I felt hope. A spark of something I hadn’t experienced in a very long time.” I blinked away the unshed tears, continuing to bare myself. I couldn’t contain the torture anymore. “I was determined to meet you. A brother I’d lost enough time with.”
“Irina. . . ”
“No, let me finish. I know this is hard for you. I do,” I choked, my eyes glossing over further. “But would it be so bad to accept me as your sister? To get to know me? We all have flaws, but I would love you for yours.”
Nicolai watched me, his expression softening back into what I’d come to know. But I could see the speck of hesitancy swirling in his chocolate brown eyes as he regarded me.
“No, it wouldn’t,” he said in sadness. “But I can’t. You’re our father’s daughter and he’s not someone I wish to know.”
If my heart wasn’t broken already, it would’ve happened in this moment .
“What are you saying, then?”
“What do you want from me, Irina?” he asked exasperatedly. “Do you expect me to pick up my life and move to Russia to become the next Pakhan? To carry his name when he couldn’t have been bothered to find me after all these years. To have saved me from what I endured as a child!”
His voice grew louder with each word, each one a whip on my skin from how tormented he appeared.
One day, I’d know his story—his past. I only hoped he would give us that time.
The word yes was on the tip of my tongue, if only to serve my own selfishness. If he went, I’d go with him. I wouldn’t leave him alone.
The small chance of succeeding in persuading him to come with me had become nonexistent.
In a final attempt, I made a decision.
“I can’t change the past, Nicolai or our fathers’ actions and for that, I am sorry.”
He removed his glasses and raked a hand across his face, causing his blond hair to become unruly.
“But I’m leaving Italy in two days. If you decide to seek answers about who you are, come with me.”
“I thought you were staying until Aurora’s birth?”
“I can’t.”
A quietness settled over us and if I stayed in this suffocating space of unsaid words, it’d consume me.
“You’ll always be my brother. . . Nico.”
I was nearly out the door when his soft voice reached me.
“Thank you for finding me.”
I sat in Aurora’s study with her and Roman, sipping on tea as I broke the news to them that I was leaving tomorrow.
“You know you aren’t a burden to us,” Aurora reassured me.
I smiled at her warmly, squeezing her hand. “I know. But it’s time for me to figure out my life.”
“Well, we’ll be waiting for you when our little one is born,” Roman chimed in, his gaze flicking to me in what could only be described as affinity. “I’m sure he’d love to meet his aunt.”
These two had become the closest thing to a real family for me and here I was tarnishing it.
“I’d really love to meet him too,” I whispered, emotion thick in my throat. But the chances of that were slim to none when I’d have to force Nicolai in coming to Russia.
I hadn’t told my father that this mission had failed, but I knew once I did, he’d be more ruthless in getting him back.
War was on the horizon, just like Viktor had said.
“I think we should throw a farewell dinner and invite everyone.” Aurora became giddy, and I laughed at her sudden appreciation for extravagant parties. She loved spending her husband’s money, and he loved showering her with it.
“That’s not necessary.”
I didn’t want to face Luca, even though a part of me was disappointed that he hadn’t sought me out after that night he held me as if I was the most important thing to him.
“It is,” Aurora sang, reaching over and hugging me, her cinnamon scent reminding me of home. “When it’s for my favorite friend.”
“Oh?” I drawled. “Who are these other friends you have?”
“I’d like to know too,” Roman said, a spark of mischievousness roaming in his obsidian eyes as he stared at his wife. “Might give them a personal visit to become acquainted with my gun.”
“Roman!” Her tone was stern, but her lips twitched in amusement. “You are becoming a father soon.”
“And?”
“And I won’t have you talking like a madman.”
“One can only hope our son takes after me.”
“God save whatever poor soul ends up with him if that happens,” I mused.
“I mean, you’re his aunt so I can agree with that statement,” Roman shot back and continued the bickering between the three of us.
My chest ached from the affection pouring into the room and it hurt .
“Touché.” I stood from the leather chair and smoothed my sweaty palms over my jeans. “Uh, I better go pack.”
They both nodded and continued their conversation as I slipped out of the study.
Instead of going to my room, I walked out the back and made my way down to the gazebo.
The air was warmer tonight, the perfect weather to wind down and collect my thoughts. My life had always been a constant chaos, and it felt as if the air I was breathing was toxic, slowly killing me. For once, I just wanted to breathe a lungful of air that made me want to live again.
Time passed as I sat in the same position on one of the wicker chairs. The sun set until it was pitch black, the only light source coming from the one above me.
A flicker of movement in the darkness stole my attention and I surged up.
“That’s it then? You were going to leave without telling me?” Luca’s voice reached me before he did, and I nearly lost balance from the sheer power of his tone.
He came inside the gazebo and set his daunting caramel eyes on me. The energy he exuded was downright terrifying, and it didn’t help that I was already on edge.
“We don’t owe each other anything,” I muttered, holding my ground.
He chuckled, shaking his head but the sound raked across my skin as if to tell me he didn’t believe my lie.
I watched as he reached for the ropes around the gazebo’s curtains and untied it, letting it drape around one side.
“I’m curious. How many people know about you?”
His question left me confused and his motive to this conversation even more confused.
“Your skill set in lying is quite impressive, and it took me a while to figure you out.” He chuckled again, undoing the second set of ropes as my heart pounded in my chest.
“And what did you figure out?” I asked hoarsely.
He undid the third set.
“That you serve the Bratva. ”
My knees nearly buckled at that while my heart skipped a beat or two.
Had Nicolai told him? No, that couldn’t be right. Not only did he promise me, Roman would’ve already raised hell on me.
Luca was a resourceful man and whatever information he’d gathered to come to this conclusion had led him to the right one.
“I have to admit, sulking over your gun because it reminded me of you was quite pathetic of me.” His hands caressed the final curtains aimlessly as if he was in deep thought. “But it did lead me to this.” He threw something my way, and I caught it midair.
I opened my palm and found a small bullet. My confusion grew until I peered closer and my stomach dropped.
It had the Bratva’s mark. Those of us in higher positions had access to them and they were used to make a bold statement or send a message to the opposition. I was not only stupid enough to have used it in a fit of rage but dropped my gun in the process. Right into Luca’s hands.
There was no point in lying when the proof was staring at me in the face. It only made me wonder why Luca came to me instead of informing the others.
“What are you going to do about it?”
Luca turned and caught my eyes, the look on his face feral. “What I should’ve done months ago.”
He undid the final set of ropes, the curtains hiding us from the outside world.
I swallowed the lump that had suddenly formed in my throat. Without thought, I took a step back, shaking my head at him slowly .
It wasn’t hard to figure out what the dangerous gleam in his eyes meant.
He tracked my movements, leisurely sweeping his gaze over me before chuckling darkly, rubbing his jaw with a tatted hand.
My heart raced, the anticipation of his next move leaving me panting.
Like a predator he walked toward me, causing me to take another step back until I was pressed against the gazebo’s border, sweat forming at the base of my neck.
“What happened, piccola ribelle ? Not so brazen anymore?”
The push and pull between us had become potent. Each step he took in my direction increased the intensity of my unwarranted desire.
“Come closer and I’ll rectify that.”
“Are you going to hurt me, Irina?” His bottom lip curled between his teeth and the darkness in his eyes rooted me in place. “Although, I never minded mixing pain with pleasure.”
I’d been too lost in his heated trance that I hadn’t even noticed him invade my space, swiping my blade from the leather jacket I stole from him.
“The question is, do you?” he rasped out, swinging the knife between his fingers, admiring the weapon like a psychopath. “Guess, we’ll find out.”
His intention was clear as he flicked his gaze to me again before he curled a fist around my shirt.
“Wait—”
He was skilled, words dying in my throat as he cut my shirt down the middle rapidly, the sound tearing along with my sanity.
The night breeze hit my exposed chest, eliciting goosebumps along my body.
Luca hummed in satisfaction as he used the blade to part one side of the fabric, baring me to his gaze. He ran the sharp end of it against my skin, the sensation causing me to hiss.
The brute smirked, his presence overwhelming me.
I feared that if I gave into this, I’d never recover. It was bad enough I’d already lost this game between us and fell for his charm. I actually liked the man.
But I wasn’t really putting up a fight to escape him, was I?
Rolling my shoulders back, I let the jacket fall from my body, my intent clear.
His gaze snapped to mine, his nose flaring from contained wantonness. I could see it written on his face, that control he was trying to keep intact, but I wanted him raw and untamed.
“Not so brazen anymore?” I teased, arching a brow in challenge.
His tongue slid against his bottom lip as he shook his head, his eyes piercing into me. If it weren’t for my attentive gaze to his every move, I would’ve missed it.
“How will you have me then, Irina?” he asked, his voice a deep caress to my every nerve.
With a shaky exhale, I whispered, “Naked.”
When Luca reached for the back of his shirt with one hand and pulled it off, I nearly fell to my knees at his physique. I’d seen him shirtless before, but it didn’t take away from how breathtaking he was. There was beauty in his every scar.
I slipped of my own torn shirt, letting it fall at my feet along with his.
My chest heaved at the electric current running up my spine. He stared at me as if he wanted to devour me whole until there was nothing left.
With his eyes locked on mine, he undid his belt, the clanking sound of it heightening every sensation spiraling through me.
As his pants hung open, he tilted his head, waiting for me to remove my next piece of clothing.
But he was cheating. And we both knew it.
Narrowing my eyes at him, I hooked my thumbs in both my underwear and pants before sliding them off.
His sharp intake of breath was all the confirmation I needed to know I played this game better than he did.
But his patience ran thin as he muttered, “Fuck it.” And lunged for me faster than I could blink.
His chest collided against me as his lips fell upon mine. It wasn’t harsh or rushed as I had expected.
He took his time kissing me, as if I was the air that he needed to breathe. Every flick of his tongue against mine was in desperation, his grip on my lower back tightening my stomach into knots.
With my hand against his hard chest, I let it slide down his torso, feeling his warm skin burn me from the inside.
He continued to tease my flesh, nipping, sucking and biting until my head felt heavy from the taste of him .
It was too much. He was everywhere, seeping deep into my bones and igniting an inferno of emotions.
I moved my hand further down, his muscles flexing with every brush.
There was something about the way he reacted to me that drove me insane. It was addicting, my entire being needing more of it.
A squeal ripped from my throat when he lifted me and laid me flat on the marble table. My heart thumped against my chest as I propped myself on my elbows.
Luca stood back, running his gaze down my body possessively, his eyes blazing with pure and wild hunger.
It was torture, this slow ripple of suspense that made my skin spark.
“ Luca,” I breathed, my voice dripping with a longing I didn’t know it was capable of.
A sick part of me loved his dominance. He made me crave his attention and instead of being ashamed to submit to it, I felt empowered.
“I’m going to make you forget about every man that has ever known what you’ve felt like.”
And he did.
We stayed in the gazebo until a sliver of energy came back to our limbs.
His hand caressed my hip, his thumb digging against my tattoo—the same mark on the bullet. “You must be held in high regard,” he murmured against the crevice of my neck .
“What?”
He pulled away from me before grabbing his shirt. “Your tattoo. Viktor told me the meaning.”
My heart dropped to my stomach at the mention of his name. How could I have forgotten that they’d met, putting me in a dangerous position.
Luca handed me my clothes, eyeing me curiously. “You know him? He’s got the same tattoo on his hand.”
I recalled the past conversations I’d had with my cousin before answering him. “He’s our exporter,” I lied. “How do you know him?”
He had no right to question me, but I had to tread carefully to avoid giving an unwarranted reaction or it’d make me sound defensive.
“You’re telling me that you didn’t know he was in Italy?” He worked on buckling his belt as he tracked my movements. “He was here for business.”
“No, I didn’t.” Another lie. “We all have our own tasks to focus on.”
“And what does that entail for you?”
My chest tightened as I put my shirt on slowly, giving myself time to think.
“Data.”
He hummed and leaned against the table as he crossed his arms and set his attention on me.
Shoving my legs through my jeans, I briskly added. “I need you to keep this to yourself.”
“Why?”
“Aurora doesn’t know and I’m not ready to tell her.”
“I doubt it’d hinder your friendship.”
If only you knew the truth, you’d think otherwise .
I stepped toward him; his face leveled to mine now that he was perched on the table, making it easier for him to see how serious I was when I said, “This stays between us.”
He tilted his head, reaching for me. “Is that why you’ve been pushing me away?”
My hands settled on his shoulders and the intensity of his expression had me leaning further into his embrace, inhaling his familiar scent of musk and smoke.
I couldn’t answer him without falling apart. Lie after lie yet the answer to that question would always be yes. It didn’t matter if he didn’t know the reason.
He gripped my chin between his fingers. “What did I tell you before.” His voice carried a dark edge to it, sinking deep into my soul. “No one can stop me from having you, Irina. Not even you.”