21. Irina
Chapter 21
Irina
T he cold rain intensified the hollowness inside my chest.
Watching Luca walk away from me had felt like a million shards of glass cutting me open, my blood pouring onto the pavement of where he once stood.
It didn’t matter how badly I wanted the outcome to be different. It was meant to be this way. I was only stupid enough to grasp onto a string of hope that was never strong enough to hold us both.
With everything that I had experienced in my life, this was the first time I regretted being associated with the Morozov last name.
My chest ached with grief, but it was different this time. This ache was rough as sandpaper, grating against my heart until I thought I might wither away from agony.
Clutching my shirt to ease the crippling pain, I dragged myself inside the car .
The rush of emotion brimmed to the surface until the dam broke.
Why did it have to be him who saw me? No one had ever taken the time to see beyond the superficial parts of me. And Luca might’ve not understood the reasons of why I was this way, but he never made me feel less than because of it.
He didn’t know the effect he had on me when he held me, healing wounds I thought would never be sealed.
I’d always looked after myself but with him. . . when he was near me, it felt as if I didn’t need to hold myself together because deep down, I knew he’d catch my fall.
His presence brought me comfort, I realized, and I’d single-handedly ruined that.
Tears spilled down my cheeks as I reversed the car and drove away.
Luca and I never had a fair chance. He was the first man I wanted, but he’d never be mine.
He’d been hurt in ways I couldn’t imagine, shared that with me when I’d given him no reason to, and I’d used it against him.
I knew it was the only way to push him away from me, but I’d cut myself open in the process.
Another piercing cry fell from my lips as I remembered the way he looked at me after. As if he truly hadn’t expected me to say those words. As if every menacing thing I’d ever said to him wasn’t an indication that I would.
He had given up on me, exactly what I wanted. But if that was true, why did the hollowness inside my chest expand with a throbbing dullness I couldn’t get rid of since he walked away .
I was a terrible person. The kind who tainted everything around them because deep down I knew it was easier to be alone than to let someone see how damaged I truly was.
I’d already accepted my fate and giving myself up to Luca would disrupt that. This was bigger than the both of us, and I’d been burned too many times to fight against it.
I was Irina Morozov.
Daughter of the Pakhan .
Trapped.
A raw scream tore from my throat as I continued sobbing in the confined space, suffocating in my own rot.
This thing inside of me was poisonous, my impending death on the horizon if I allowed it to swallow me whole.
I pounded my fist against the steering wheel as tears streaked down my face, my vision blurring.
The rain pattered harshly against the front window, making it harder to see, but I soaked it in, wishing I could’ve blurred the image of Luca walking away from me instead.
I felt his presence all around me; in the air I breathed, the skin he touched, the mark he unknowingly left on my broken heart.
He was everywhere.
The sound of my phone rung in the air, causing me to jerk my head toward the dashboard where Viktor’s name flashed.
I swallowed the hurt from my voice and answered. “I’m coming to Russia. Alone.”
“Long overdue. I’ll tell your father you’ve failed.” The lift in his voice was evident, and I knew he was satisfied with this turn of events. “I told you war was on the horizon.”
My throat burned with the need to wreak havoc on him, but words caught in my throat as a car came straight at me, the lights blinding me as it sped closer.
All I could do was scream as I shifted the starring wheel, unable to see anything from the rain, tears, and lights.
It all happened so fast. One second, I was swerving to avoid the oncoming car and the next my body jolted forward from the unexpected impact.
All the blood in my body rushed to my head as I coughed, spots forming in my vision. Adrenaline pumped in my veins, my heart racing from the position I was in.
Breathing through my nose, I tried staying calm as I removed my seatbelt and laid my palms flat against the roof to push myself up. My efforts rendered useless. I was stuck.
With a frustrated grunt, I looked through the broken window in hopes of getting help.
All I could see were trees and rain fogging the gloomy air.
Anxiety gripped me in a vise, and I realized I wasn’t ready to die yet. Regret sliced me in half with so much I wanted to say.
I punched the roof with my fists. “Help!”
After a few seconds, headlights flickered, catching my attention and I squinted until I’d made out a tall figure running toward me. It was hard to see their face when my car was flipped over but pale blond hair stuck out to me. My heart beat wildly against my chest .
“Nico!” I called out for him, tears spilling from my eyes as relief washed over me. He’d come after me.
“I’m com-” His sentence went unfinished as he stopped running, his body motionless for a moment before dropping to the ground.
A violent scream tore from my chest as I watched a masked man stand above my brother’s fallen form, his hand swinging around a baseball bat.
Panic seized me, my skin vibrating with the need to escape when he lifted his head, watching me.
Confusion and fear twisted my insides as the man took slow strides toward me, as if he wanted to prolong whatever he had planned for me.
Sweat ran down my forehead as I thrashed carelessly, urging my body to free itself, but he’d already reached me, his boots the only thing visible outside the window.
I held my breath when he didn’t move, my throat burning from the urge to scream, but I clamped my lips shut. I’d never give anyone the satisfaction, not even if death stared at me in the face.
Gravel crunched beneath his shoes as he went down on his haunches, his hands dangling between his legs.
Anticipation of his next move swirled thickly in the air. Slowly, he tilted his head down until I could see his covered face, his gaze cold as it landed on me.
When he reached for me, my arms went flying, anywhere I could hit him, but his intention wasn’t clear until his free hand clamped over my mouth, soft fabric caressing my skin.
My eyes widened for a second as a distinct odor invaded my nose before I felt myself drift away.
The surrounding air was stiff as I gained consciousness. My head was heavy, pounding profusely, which made it harder to gain clarity.
With weighted limbs, I moved my body slowly, something biting into my skin from the action.
I blinked rapidly as everything came crashing down on me. The fight. The crash. Nico.
With suddenness, my eyes shot open, my senses heightening from renewed adrenaline as I peered around my surroundings.
There was nothing in the small room to indicate where I was. Only stained concrete and yellow walls.
Cold fear sank down in the pit of my stomach when I saw Nicolai across the room from me. His body was slack in a chair with his bloody head lolled to the side.
I pulled against the thick chains covering me. But with my wrists bound behind my back and my feet knit together, my movements were restricted.
“ Nicolai ,” I said sharply, hoping I could wake him. He’d been hit in the head, and I knew him being unconscious wouldn’t be of use to either of us.
After a few minutes of calling his name, he finally stirred, his brown eyes unfocused before they set on me. It only took one glance in my direction before he leaped forward, as if he could somehow reach me despite being restrained.
It was then that I noticed the chairs we were held in were cemented onto the floor. Shit .
“Are you hurt?” my brother asked, looking over me with his brows furrowed.
I shook my head. “Your head. . . we need to get you help.”
For the next minute, I watched as he exerted energy into trying to break free, but with a frustrated grunt, he looked up at the ceiling.
“Don’t worry,” he said. “I’m going to get us out of here.”
“How?”
“Trust me.”
I scoffed, anger surfacing within me. “I did once and look where it got me.”
He caught my gaze from across the room, his hair disheveled across his worried forehead. “I didn’t know. . . ”
“Didn’t know that Roman would hold a gun to my head?” I asked, venom laced in my tone. “Me either.”
Silence fell upon us, and it would’ve been calming if it hadn’t been for the eeriness of our situation.
“What would you have wanted me to do, Irina?” I could hear the bite in his words. “You think I don’t want to know my own sister? I know what it’s like to be without a family, but I couldn’t get up and leave Roman. Not when he’s been the only family I’ve known since I was twelve.”
My throat tightened from all the emotions pulsing along my body, and I hated it.
I hated it because I knew I couldn’t fault him for telling Roman. It hurt that he couldn’t give me the same courtesy of trusting me, but Nicolai was young and tortured. We might share the same biological father but we both knew Roman would always be held to that status for him.
The click of a door cracked in the air, pulling our attention to the corner of the room.
The same man who brought us here walked inside, his identity still hidden by the black mask.
My throat became dry when I saw the flash of a knife in his hand. He ran his lean fingers across the sharp blade almost affectionately.
“Touch her and it’ll be the last fucking thing you do.”
My head snapped toward Nicolai at his rage. I’d never heard him sound so lethal.
I watched as the man continued caressing the weapon, ignoring him as if he hadn’t spoken at all.
My blood pumped wildly in my veins, my ears ringing from the anticipation of the unknown.
With a hard swallow, I steadied my breathing. “Who are you?”
The man ignored me too, walking further into the dull room.
“What do you want?”
He sighed deeply, as if annoyed by my questioning, but I didn’t care. If he wanted to hurt us, he would do it anyway.
Cold sweat ran down my spine as he approached me until he held the knife to my throat.
Nicolai’s protests could be heard faintly as my senses dulled down to the end of the knife piercing my skin, but I stared at the man motionless, refusing to cower before him.
Whoever he was, whatever his motives were, he’d regret it as soon as I was free .
He dragged the blade down to my collarbone—not inflicting harm, but the threat hung between us like a ticking bomb.
The sound of my shirt ripping down the middle had me turning my head away from him.
Dread twisted my insides, and I waited for the familiar bile to rise, but it never did.
That knowledge sent despair through me with defeat lodging itself deep into my bones. At least, if I felt something— anything —I would know that I wasn’t broken. That I had a chance to survive.
With my pulse roaring, I glanced between the knife and the man, noticing he had paused above my breast.
As if he was waiting for my attention, he dug the sharp end into my skin and dragged it until I buckled against the pain.
Nicolai screamed in rage, the chains on the floor rattling from his constant movement.
I curled my bottom lip between my teeth and bit down to stifle my cries.
I stared at the man as he took his time cutting me, drawing it out until my skin was burning, blood oozing and mixing with my sweat.
With uneven breaths, I panted harshly to ground myself against the torture as he moved onto my legs, slashing right through my pants until he hit flesh.
Tears streamed down my face, hot and heavy, but I clamped my mouth shut, tasting the tang of blood burst onto my tongue from biting so hard.
Nicolai said he’d get us out of here and I tried desperately to hold on to that with every piece of me that bled out, but I was losing myself.
A wave of dizziness passed over me and I couldn’t breathe. The sting of each slash worse than the last until all I felt was the pulsing pain from head to toe.
The man never uttered a single word, solely focusing on his task of marring my body, scarring it.
My body . The one thing the Bratva used to their advantage. And now it was flawed.
What importance would I be to them now?
With my teeth chattering, I gasped out the word I hardly ever uttered, “Please.”
He regarded me for a moment, his gaze trailing my body until the malicious gleam in his brown eyes intensified.
His fingers dug into my jaw until he had a firm grip on my face before he leaned in close, setting the blade above my brow.
My vision grew blurry, and I didn’t know if it was from my tears or sweat running down my face. The tightness in my chest was unbearable, and I was terrified.
If he cut my face, I would become nothing . I would be useless without my beauty.
“Enough!” It was Nicolai’s voice that finally stilled his movements, his voice hoarse. “What do you want? Whatever it is, I’ll do it. Just. . . leave her alone.” His pleas went down through deaf ears.
The man’s breathing became erratic, as if my brother’s words fueled his baseless anger and I knew that not only would I go scathed, but so would Nicolai.
The scream bubbled in my throat until it pierced the air as the man slid his knife down the right side of my face. Every single sense homed in on the excruciating throb of my split flesh searing through me.
He pulled back, and I sobbed as the vision in my right eye became dark and red from the blood trickling into it.
I couldn’t stop the violent tremors racking my battered body, every tremble adding to the ache. The pain was unbearable, and I didn’t know where it began or ended as I inhaled shakily.
“Irina. . . ”
“Irina!”
“Irina, look at me!”
Someone was calling my name, but it sounded distant, muffled, as if I was underwater.
“Open your eyes!”
I blinked rapidly, unaware of when I had dozed off and looked across the room where Nicolai was saying something, but the ringing in my ears made it hard to hear.
With a groan, I tried tilting my head, but it felt heavy, as if I was paralyzed. I tried the same with my body, but it was lax, as if gravity was pushing me down.
Panic settled over me as I searched around the room hastily with my eyes, but the man was gone, leaving me in a state of fear.
“Drugged. . . ”
I peered back at Nicolai, evening out my breathing to get rid of the cloudy sensation overpowering me.
“You were drugged,” he said almost calmly, though the pinched expression on his face told me he was anything but .
My tongue was stuck to the roof of my mouth, dry and bitter, causing me to make an incoherent sound.
“I don’t know when he’ll be back, but I need you to stay awake. I can’t. . . ” His voice cracked. “I won’t know if you’re okay if you fall asleep.”
Fresh tears scorched my face, flaring the cut into a fiery blaze, reminding me of everything I lost.
“You have to stay awake, okay? Can you do that for me?” His voice rose with each word. When his gaze trailed along my body, emotion flashed across his troubled features. “I’m sorry.”
Something broke inside of me. No one had ever apologized to me for anything. Yet, here was Nicolai, my brother, saying those two meaningless words when he’d never been the one at fault.
The cold air chilled my lifeless body, and I nearly recoiled at being on display like this. In a way, I was relieved I couldn’t see the damage myself and the thought of having to, sent my mind spiraling.
My breaths grew ragged when the clicking sound of the door erupted again and the man entered the room.
I didn’t think I could take any more of this agony, not when I was as still as a statue.
How much time had passed since the accident? How would we escape? Why did Nicolai give me false hope of getting us out of here?
I tracked the man’s movements with my eyes as he walked toward my brother, and I grunted in panic as he reached for him.
He looked back at me, his eyes narrowing as I continued making muddled noises, wishing I could speak. If I could save Nicolai from harm, then I’d do anything, even if it meant taking it myself.
My weak protests were useless because the man swung his arm back before his fist collided with Nicolai’s face, blood splattering onto the dirty ground.
Tears beaded down my cheeks as I whimpered, my throat becoming raw as he continued pummeling his fists into Nicolai until he’d passed out, but he didn’t stop there.
Reaching for the baseball bat resting against the wall, I knew his intentions.
I closed my eyes, the horrid sounds of bone crunching and snapping cementing itself into my memory.
Being immobile while my brother was beaten to a pulp made me want to die. I couldn’t breathe, drowning in vulnerability and suffering.
With the little energy I had left, I blocked out my surroundings, trying to muster up a memory I could get lost in.
“Luca?”
“I’m here.” His voice was like a balm to my wounds. He rubbed my back soothingly. “I’m here.”
I buried my face in the crook of his neck, inhaling his scent to ground myself back to reality.
It was a nightmare. I’m not back there anymore.
“Do you get nightmares often?”
I ignored his question and the one after that. I wasn’t ready to open up to anyone about my life. I knew what it was like to be vulnerable, and I hated it.
How do I explain to someone that I’d spent my entire life feeling lost, a stranger in my own skin and I was too broken to let anyone see how broken I was?
I pulled away from him, searching his eyes. “I’m tired, Luca.” My voice trembled. “Can you. . . can you just hold me? Only for tonight. Please.”
He nudged under my chin lazily, as he always did. “You never have to say please, piccola ribelle.”
A sharp sensation brought me out of the comforting memory, my eyes blinking open.
The man was standing over me, blood coating him with his cold eyes staring into me.
A piercing pressure fell onto my right arm, and I knew he was drugging me again. My heartbeat accelerated, unknowing of what it was this time.
It didn’t take long for my consciousness to sway and become heady before he walked away, but I never passed out.
Minutes ticked by, and I stared at Nicolai from across the room. He was covered in so much blood that he appeared unrecognizable with his body slumped and his head thrown back.
Death appeared closer, and I wondered if this was how my story would end, cut open and still as I watched my brother take his last breaths.
It was hard grasping on to life when my eyes were fluttering in and out of sleep, unsure of what was real and what wasn’t.
My body didn’t feel like my own, as if I was in an upended state, my brain fogging up and creating figures, shapes and sounds that heightened my anxiety .
When darkness brimmed the edges of my vision, I swore I heard the sound of my own heart breaking at his voice.
“Not so pretty anymore, Irina,” Luca said.