23. Irina
Chapter 23
Irina
Y ou know the feeling of falling in a dream while you’re asleep?
Coming to my senses was sort of like that, more excruciating than I expected. For a moment, I’d been disoriented, the sound of beeping machines and the smell of antiseptic jarring me.
I knew I wasn’t fully conscious, the dark memories of the last few hours rushing in, making it hard to come back from.
It felt like a fever dream, but the nauseating pain in my body proved that it was very much real.
The back of my head pulsed as my chest caved in until I was drowning in my thoughts. The sharp slashes of the knife, the humiliating feeling of being seen by my brother, watching him get beat nearly to death while I was numb to the bone and helpless.
“Ni-Nico. . . ” I didn’t know if I was calling for him in real time or in my head. My tongue was stuck to the roof of my dry mouth, the words barely a whisper.
Panic set in as blackness drew in on me, threatening to keep me in that horrific place.
Chills ran up my body, trembling uncontrollably as my throat became tight, lodged with hurt and despair.
Before I faded completely into the void, rough hands warmed my skin, wandering everywhere in light touches.
“Sweetheart.”
That voice. . .
Not so pretty anymore, Irina.
My heart thrashed against my ribcage as the voice registered with a sickening realization.
With energy I didn’t have to spare, I peeled my eyes open—my eye, adjusting to the bright lights overhead.
As the blur in my vision diminished, the face of someone who brought me devastation and joy appeared.
Fear sliced through me, screams spilling from my mouth at the haunting voice of his last words to me.
He’d been there. He did this to me. He hurt me and Nicolai.
Luca’s voice was muffled by my cries as I thrashed against his hold, my limbs burning from the effort to get away from him.
“Don’t hurt me, please!”
The beeping sound of a machine quickened as my nerves slithered over me like a sick and twisted caress.
Other voices reached me before multiple sets of hands pinned me in place, a sharp sensation pricking my arm.
The last image I saw before I was pulled under the harsh waves of my subconscious were caramel eyes, distraught and distressed.
“I should’ve never let you go.”
“You have no idea what you mean to me, Irina.”
“If only you knew the unexplainable hold you have over me.”
“Don’t hate me. I can’t bear it.”
I’d woken up to Luca’s broken voice as he whispered to me, his hands clutching mine.
I hadn’t let it be known to him that I was awake, savoring his gentle touches and words.
What kind of person was I to crave the touch of the same man who put me in the hospital?
Yet it didn’t make sense. How could Luca possess this kind of tenderness for me when I was ‘asleep’?
Confusion warred in me, and I wanted to cry. I wanted to let the tears fall freely, draining myself of this unbearable ache that would be the cause of my death.
My heart couldn’t handle anymore suffering. It was torn and withered, reaching its limit.
It was hard to accept that he was the one behind what happened when my gut told me differently.
My fingers twitched as I opened my eye, finding his gaze easily.
“Why did you do it?” I murmured, exhaustion lining my tone.
My gaze soaked in his beauty. I couldn’t deny myself of that when he was this close to me. It took everything in me to not reach out and trace the angular planes of his face. But I refrained.
His eyes were glossy and red, as if he’d been crying, which further proved my gut to be right. But I needed him to say that he would never hurt me in such a vile way.
“Do what?”
“I heard you. You. . . you.” I choked on my words, suddenly aware of how I must look right now.
With a trembling hand, I touched the right side of my face, feeling the soft fabric of a bandage covering it.
“You did this to me.”
Luca shook his head rapidly, bringing my hands to his mouth and peppering kisses across my knuckles. “I’d sooner cut my own hands than ever do that to you.”
“But I heard your voice.”
“The doctors said you were drugged.” Luca might’ve appeared calm, but his tone of voice did nothing to hide his anger. “Believe me, whatever you heard, it wasn’t me.”
A whimper escaped my lips as hot tears scalded down my cheek before it turned into a full blown meltdown.
He didn’t hesitate to climb into the bed beside me, gently wrapping me in his arms as he pressed kisses to my temple, healing my wounds with each one.
“You’ll never be hurt again, Irina. I swear it.”
That only made me cry harder.
His firm body was a safety net for me, and I let myself fall into his embrace again. But this time was entirely different. I willingly showed him this side of me, tears and all.
How could I believe that this was a mistake when it felt as if I was right where I was meant to be ?
One day, I’d share the dark parts of me with Luca but for now, this was enough. . . for the both of us I hoped.
When my body stopped shaking and my cries turned into sniffles, I tilted my head to look at him. “How bad is it?”
We both knew I’d be left with scars that would never fade but I wasn’t ready to see them littered across my body.
His tired eyes roamed my face; pupils dilating. “You’re the epitome of perfection, sweetheart.”
Perhaps to him, I was. To me, I’d lost my value. I’d been stripped away from the only thing that brought me security. I knew that made me shallow but when all my life I’d been praised for my beauty and then taught to use it as a weapon, it was hard to let go of that. Who I was before was all I knew, and to me, it solidified my relationship with my father. Now, I was the scraps of my identity.
“I suppose it doesn’t matter now, anyway.” I cast my gaze away from him. “What’s done is done.”
Luca’s fingers made a path down my check, his touch rising goosebumps on my skin until he cupped my jaw, turning me toward him again. “Irina. . . ”
With a trembling hand, I grabbed his wrist as I shook my head. I wasn’t ready to continue that conversation.
“Is Nicolai here?” It should’ve been the first question I asked but if I was found, then I knew my brother got out with me. He had to have.
“He is.”
I pulled back, his curt reply doing nothing to ease the tension radiating off my body. “And?”
“And we can talk about him when you’re better. ”
I made a move to sit up when a shooting pain struck me, a hiss escaping me as I clasped my bandaged abdomen.
“Irina.” Luca cursed, gently pushing me back down. “For once, don’t fight me. Please .”
“Just tell me he’s okay,” I whispered, my body fighting exhaustion long enough to hear his answer.
He sighed in defeat. “He’s stable but hasn’t woken up yet.”
My heart thrummed rapidly, a layer of sweat coating my cold skin. Images of Nico’s limp and bloody body flashed across my mind, and it hurt to know I might’ve been the cause of his condition.
He was a victim to being at the wrong place at the wrong time. I had no idea who did this to us and why, but he might’ve been left unscathed if he hadn’t come after me.
“This is all my fault,” I choked, pulling at my hair. He should’ve never been there.
My hair. . .
The sound of my blood pumping sounded harshly against my ears; my breathing labored as I ran my fingers through my hair. No.
“Wha-what. . . ” I couldn’t breathe, my vision darkening as I kept touching the uneven strands.
Hands circled my wrists, stopping my movements but I was too far gone in my own grief to see or hear anything else.
“Hey. . . hey. You’re okay.”
I thought I had no tears left in me but I did, my sobs echoing against the four walls of the room.
After some time, weak and tired, sleep overtook me as soothing words and touches anchored me in place, away from unbearable nightmares.
The next time I woke up, the curtains were drawn closed, the room dimly lit.
I was pressed down by something heavy—someone. Luca had his arms wrapped tightly around me, and he was very much asleep as he cuddled me.
A large, tattooed man in a bed too small for him yet he slept so peacefully with our limbs intertwined. Even I couldn’t help but crack a smile as a surge of warmth spread though me at the sight.
“I warned him to stay away from you, you know.”
My head snapped toward the familiar voice.
Aurora sat beside the bed on a chair, her face dragging in clear tiredness with puffy eyes.
“Luca is the type of man who doesn’t settle down and I was scared of the consequences of his actions if he pursued you.”
I knew Roman warned off Luca but hearing Aurora confess to doing the same shocked me. She’d never interfered with my relationships, not that I’d ever settled down either. I guess Luca and I were the same in that sense, though I wasn’t sure of his reasoning.
“But I was wrong.” She looked between the two of us before holding my gaze. “I’ve never seen such suffering and torment on anyone as I have on Luca since you were admitted.”
I inhaled a shaky breath, my heart thundering so fiercely, I thought I might pass out from the sheer force of it.
“I don’t deserve his empathy.” It was the truest words I’d ever spoken. “I haven’t done a single good thing for this man to earn his undivided attention.”
“I know what love looks like Irina...”
“Don’t,” I cut her off. “That’s not what this is.” The backs of my eyes stung as I whispered, “You weren’t there to hear what I’d said to him before I left.”
The pain was still fresh from that moment in the rain, perhaps worse than the throbbing ache of my body now.
“I repulse myself, Aurora. Now, tell me, how can he love someone as unpleasant as me?”
Aurora’s expression filled with pity, and I had to turn away from her or it would destroy me further.
“ I love you,” she said with raw emotion. “You’re worthy of love, and I won’t be convinced otherwise.”
“Even though I lied to you?”
When she didn’t respond, I built up the courage to stare back at her, feeling my chest cave in a little.
“Even though you lied to me.”
My lips pursed as I tried my best to not break into a million more pieces.
“Why didn’t you tell me that you were the Pakhan’s daughter? You could’ve trusted me.”
Rummaging through the many reasons I could give her; I knew none of them could sugarcoat the true reason I had never allowed myself to admit until now.
“Because you were the only pure thing in my life, and I’d rather have kept it all inside than corrupt you with my burdens. Because I had someone to call my own.” My voice wavered with nerves. “I didn’t want you to leave me.”
The silence was comfortable and welcome as I submitted to the truth. The heaviness I carried for all these years eased up and I felt like I could breathe properly for the first time.
“I never meant for anyone to get hurt.” The situation became messier than I intended it to, and I knew that it would be worse once I contacted my father. “I’m sorry.”
My best friend reached over and grasped my hand, squeezing it in comfort. “I wish I’d been your person, the same way you were mine. Perhaps, one day you’ll give me the chance to know you completely as you are.” She shook her head in amusement, lightening the stifling air. “Flawed and all.”
Laughter bubbled in my chest, and I peered over at the brute lying beside me to make sure I hadn’t woken him up.
“If it’s not love, then it must be something close to it,” Aurora said as I stared at him. Butterflies took flight in my stomach at the thought of Luca carrying intense affection for me. “The question is, what do you feel?”
The words slipped from my lips with ease. “Something I’ve never felt before.”