Chapter 8 Penelope #2
“That was a joke, Pen. I’ll control myself around you as long as you promise to keep me in the loop on medical stuff and don’t go anywhere alone.”
I nodded into his shirt, trying to inhale as much of his fresh spring smell as I could. He used a specific soap that I recalled looking for in the supermarket for an embarrassingly long time, all because I had missed him.
“I promise.”
“We have to get comfortable with each other…we’re going to have to touch and kiss in public,” he said quietly.
I smiled, acting unfazed. “And see each other in little to no clothing while we’re domesticating.”
His face flushed the smallest bit.
“Yeah and that…”
“I think if you—if you need a release or something, we should talk about it, at least so I’m not left wondering where you’re at. You should also go out of town to get laid.”
His brown eyes seemed to glitter as I talked, his lips quirked as he listened and then he sobered.
“What about you? What will you do if you need a release?”
“Vibrator…so maybe just shut the bedroom door and give me some privacy?” I raised a brow at him, nearly in challenge to see if he’d take the bait.
He made a pained sound and stepped away from me.
“Maybe we should have a code…”
“Like an emoji or something,” I offered, thinking it over, “maybe the unlocked padlock emoji.”
Jamie stopped inside the kitchen, scratching at his neck and looking all sorts of uncomfortable.
“Yeah, okay. If you text that, I’ll leave the cabin and give you some privacy.”
I followed to the sink, where I started helping with dishes. “And if you text it, should I head to the clubhouse so I’m not alone here?”
He shook his head. “If I text it, it’ll be for the same reason you do.
I’m not going to be hooking up with anyone right now.
But if I go anywhere, for any reason, or need privacy then I’ll make sure someone is watching over you.
Wes said his man, Harris, can be trusted. That’s who I’ll reach out to.”
I nodded, knowing he’d introduce me when he got the chance.
This was good, we’d managed to get all the uncomfortable topics out of the way.
“Okay, well good. Then if you need to get a release, and I do…then we’ll just text each other so it doesn’t become awkward.”
“I don’t think we have to text each other every time, but maybe if we just need some privacy or you can just lock the door.”
“There’s no lock,” I muttered briefly, a little miffed that he was already trying to rewrite my emoji idea.
“We’ll figure it out.” He moved past me, until he was slipping into his leather jacket and boots. “I need to run over to the house and grab my stuff. I’ll see you tonight.”
He didn’t wait for me to say anything before he slipped outside.
The second Jameson left, I found my phone and pulled up Natty’s contact info.
Me: Remember when I said we’d share secrets?
I set the phone down only to run and relieve my bladder, but by the time I’d returned, Natty had responded.
Natty: Yes. Do you have one?
I punched out a quick reply, my thumbs flying over the screen.
Me: Jameson just asked me to marry him.
Natty: WHAT?! You said nothing was going on between you two.
Me: There’s not. It’s fake. Long story but he’s gone right now, he’s supposed to be coming back later tonight to move in. I’m slightly freaking out.
I scanned the room as I waited for her reply. There was half an apple core on the cutting board, the jar of peanut butter was still out, along with a sleeve of crackers. I absently went over and started cleaning.
The phone chimed with a new text.
Natty: okay, back up…you are fake marrying the man who looks at you like you’re the reason the sun rises and we’re focusing on him moving in. We need to focus on the fact that there is no way this marriage is fake for him.
I wanted to explain how I knew it was. How I knew Jameson would never cross that line with me, not after our past, but I was too anxious over the state of the house.
Me: I can’t think about it, honestly. But help me…I’ve lived alone for over a month in this cabin. What am I not thinking of as far as prepping to have someone move in?
Natty: …I’m on my way.
I stared at the phone and then smiled. I’d never really had friends, not ones that weren’t obligatory roommates or ones who wanted to be close to me just to get close to the Chaos Kings.
Five minutes later, Natty had driven over on her scooter. She was in a pair of plumb-colored leggings and a flowing white t-shirt, her hair piled on top of her hair in loose curls.
“Okay, I’m going to tackle the dishes and kitchen. How does your room look, is he sleeping in your bed?”
Natty moved to the bedroom. The bed was slightly mussed from my nap from earlier.
“He said he would.” I slid my hand over my stomach, feeling the baby kick.
“We should strip the bed; do you have any fresh linens?”
I hurried over to the closet. “I grabbed some from the main house yesterday.”
Natty grabbed the bundle and then set it on the bed “Perfect.”
I was waiting in bed and watching the door for Jameson. Apprehension was still burning in my chest after all the work I had done since he’d left. I was in bed wearing a nightgown that had no sleeves, dipped into a v over my breasts and it barely covered my ass.
My phone chimed on the bed next to me.
Natty: You showered after I left, right?
My gaze flicked up to the open doorway before I replied.
Me: Yes
Natty: And shaved all the bits?
I smiled, nearly laughing.
Me: All that I could reach, but it’s not like he’ll even notice.
Natty: Oh, he’ll notice. Make him notice, girl. You deserve to get some.
I considered my nightgown again. It wasn’t like I was trying to entice him or anything, but my clothing was limited.
I wasn’t exactly flush with cash at the moment, and since I wasn’t currently working, I hadn’t had a chance to go and buy new maternity clothes.
Thankfully I had kept my figure for the most part, minus the bigger boobs, which were managed with an oversized sports bra and just accepting that my shirts were going to be tighter than they needed to be.
Jamie wouldn’t care, as it was, he hadn’t looked at me like that in years.
Me: He doesn’t look at me like that…we’re friends
A familiar ache throbbed in my heart as I remembered what it used to be like when his gaze would linger on my curves and hair. How his fingers would seem to itch every time they came close to skimming the curls that bounced against my back.
Natty: And death itself isn’t trailing me like a blood hound. If I leave right now, within two minutes he’d be behind me. Jameson’s eyes get that possessive glimmer effect when he looks at you.
The front door opening had my mind snapping back to the present and me sliding the phone over to the bedside table.
My breathing hitched as I waited for Jamie to make his way inside.
I had no idea what this new dynamic would be like, but for the first time in months, I would actually be able to relax and fall asleep, feeling something other than worry and fear.
The lamp was still on, so when he walked in, our eyes met.
He wore a black hoodie; his hair was slightly disheveled, and he was in a pair of gray sweats. Over his shoulder, he had a large duffle. Under his arm was a pillow and hanging from his fist was the cord to a sleeping bag.
“Hey.”
He smiled, but it was flat. “Hey. Thought you’d be asleep.”
My shoulder lifted. “Can’t really sleep alone in here.”
His head was already bobbing. “Forgot about that.”
Skirting the bed, his duffle fell to the floor with a thump and then he tossed his sleeping bag on the floor.
“Thought you were going to sleep in the bed.” I tried to keep the hurt out of my voice, but as he unrolled the sleeping bag, it was pathetically obvious.
His eyes remained down on the floor as he situated his bedroll.
“Think this will work, don’t want to crowd you up there.” He pulled the top of the sleeping bag back then pulled his hoodie up and over his head, leaving him in just a white t-shirt. He slipped his legs inside the narrow opening, and then turned his back to me once his head hit the pillow.
I felt dismissed…honestly it felt similar to everything I’d felt since discovering I was pregnant. Unwanted.
Undesirable.
It was suddenly so painful to even breathe that I merely turned on my side and turned off the lamp. I tried to calm down and think of the sequence of events like snapshots, so it would help calm the panic clawing at my sternum.
Luke had rejected not just me, but our son.
He’d then proceeded to fuck other women in the club where I could see, knowing I was watching. In one excruciating scenario, he’d even locked eyes with me when he’d done it.
The other members wanted me gone, to the point where they started blocking me from being able to even enter the clubhouse and club-owned businesses, regardless that I worked in one of those places.
Jamie had defended me.
Jamie had protected me.
Jamie gave me a place to stay.
Now he was here, offering to marry me just to keep me safe.
The culmination of thoughts had me breathing easier and calming down.
I didn’t need to have Jameson want to marry me, or share my bed, or look at me like I was beautiful, or like he wanted to kiss me.
He was allowed to turn away from me and even sleep on the floor. He was allowed to keep his emotions close to his chest. He didn’t owe those to me. He was allowed to feel however he felt.
I would simply deal with it, and I’d be grateful.
Regardless of everything, he’d saved my life, and I owed him everything.