Chapter Twenty
John ~ January
Duchess,
I got back to base okay, baby. No delays or hold-ups, thank God.
Leaving you this time took me to my knees. Seeing you standing there in the rearview brought a lump to my throat that I’m still trying to swallow down, and it’s suffocating me.
Walking away left a hole in my chest that won’t be filled until I get to hold you in my arms again.
Some nights, I lay in bed, and it’s like I can sense you all around me. It’s beautiful torture because I love the thought of you somehow being with me in spirit, but when I reach for you, you’re not there. That’s when I wonder if it’s all worth it. I love what I do, and I love my job, but I love you more, so I ask myself why I’m here, instead of by your side where I belong.
The boys call it a crisis of confidence, but I’m not stressing about anything to do with work. It’s all you, Leesy. I worry I’m putting too much on you and expecting too much from you. Christ, you’re eighteen years old, in college, and with the world at your feet. You should be enjoying these years, going to parties, letting loose, and finding your way in life. Instead, you’re there, alone, waiting for my ass while I get all this bullshit out of my system.
I know what it does to you, especially after I left last week, because, for the first time, I felt it, too. After everything we shared and knowing everything we are, it ripped me apart to walk away. The knowledge that I do that to you on the regular makes my gut churn, Leesy, because I know I’m hurting you, and until I go back for good, I can’t stop.
Maybe I’m a selfish fuck who doesn’t appreciate what I have, and the right thing to do would be to let you go, but the thought of you not being mine makes me ache in ways I can’t describe.
Rock, meet hard place, baby. I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
I know I sound like a morbid fuck, but really, I’m okay. All my emotions get channeled into my work here, so there’s already talk of putting me up for Lance Corporal. I know it’s soon, and I haven’t been a PFC for long, but they’re desperate to get me onto the training program. They call it a Meritorious Promotion, where my shooting skills can bump me up quicker. Though my sergeant seems to make up his own rules anyway, it’s probably why they call him ‘Wildcard.’
The man’s like a machine, Leesy. I don’t want to sound like a dick, but I haven’t come across many who have better-shooting instincts than me—I’ve had a gun glued to my hand since I was a kid—but he’s something else. I think I can learn a lot from him. His intuition is crazy-good, and I don’t mean weapons as much as his environment. It’s like he can tune in to everything around him: the air, the grass, the trees. He can sense when something’s off and make adjustments without a moment’s hesitation. It’s cool to see him in action.
Anyway, I guess I’d better sign off. Spence and I start two weeks of dang guard duty tomorrow, so I won’t be able to write as much, but I know I’m thinking of you, baby, every minute of every day.
Take care and write soon.
Love,
Stone.
Elise ~ April
John,
I miss you so much. Your last letter took a while to get to me, just over three weeks in fact. Our military is brave and courageous, and I’m grateful for all you do, but I wish they’d get their mail department straight. Can you imagine not hearing from you for all that time? It was like medieval torture, though I think I’d prefer the Iron Maiden to not getting your letters.
When I read your words, I cried so hard that I didn’t think I’d ever be able to stop. Sometimes, the beautiful things you say and write are so exquisite they take my breath away. Imagine a girl like me being loved so hard by a boy like you.
It’s everything, John.
You’re everything.
I admit, it does hurt when you leave, but what makes it bearable is that I know you’ll be back. We talk on the phone, and we write. I can do this separation because I know that one day, God will reward me. The prize will be so sweet that it’ll take away the ache I feel because you’re not with me, so please stop talking about letting me go. The thought of us being nothing cuts me far deeper than you having to leave me. Knowing we belong to each other is my motivation to keep going. If you took that from me, I would wither away and die. You’re in my heart, John. It wouldn’t beat without you.
Your sergeant sounds like a real character. I love how you describe his instincts and yours. It helps me understand why you need this so much. There’s something inside you that craves the life you’re living. Maybe it was born with you, and it’s as much of a part of you as your blood and bones. I don’t begrudge you that, John. I want you to dream as big and bright as the sun. I’ll be the Earth that’s tethered to you, and I’ll keep taking all the warmth you give me. For now, your letters are my warmth. In the years to come, the warmth will also come from our wedding, and then our children and building a home, but through all that, it’ll always be you.
That’s why you can’t be all noble and think you’re doing the right thing by ending things. It wouldn’t be noble to take my warmth away. You wouldn’t be doing the right thing by depriving me of my sunlight, of you.
Is this hard? Yes.
Does it hurt? Yes.
But I know what it’s going to lead to, so bring it on, John. There’s nothing you could ever do to make me stop loving you. Maybe I shouldn’t lay all my cards on the table. Perhaps I should hold something back, but you’ve always been honest with me about your feelings, and that honesty is something I can give back freely and without any doubt in my mind, knowing you’ll care for it the same way you take care of me.
Everything here is good. I saw your mom after the church service on Sunday. We were sitting outside the coffee shop when your dad and the rest of the Speed Demons all rode down Main Street for their first run of the year. It was amazing, John, the sound of all those bikes popping and roaring. I know Harley’s don’t exactly purr, but the noise was still beautiful. Maybe it was because they reminded me of being on the back of your bike with the wind in my hair and you in my heart.
The happiest moments of my life have been when I was molded to your back as we rode out of town for one of our adventures.
.
I knew how much you’d have loved to be on that run. When I was a girl, I’d stand on the sidewalk outside my dad’s store and watch the bikes ride down Main Street. I remember the smell of the engines and the whiff of tobacco that followed the line of motorcycles. I also remember you on the back of your dad’s old Aermacchi Sprint, clutching him so tight I was surprised he could breathe.
I love that you have those memories with your dad. I wish my dad had made memories like that with me.
I have some news.
Mayor Henderson has asked me to intern in his office over the summer. I think I want to do it, and of course, my dad is beside himself with happiness, but I wanted to check with you before I agree. I know you said you wouldn’t mind when I mentioned it over New Year, but I’ll hold off on giving him an answer until you let me know it’s okay.
I can’t really think of much else to say, though. I’m sure that as soon as I seal the envelope, I’ll remember something else. So many little things happen every day which make me think, I must tell John in my next letter, but when I put pen to paper, it’s gone.
I need to start carrying a notepad around.
I love you so much, John. Write soon.
I miss you.
Yours always,
Elise
XOXO
John ~ April
Duchess,
It was so good to speak to you last week. Can you believe we got a whole fifteen minutes on the payphone before I had to hang up? Usually, the queue of men gets antsy after five minutes of waiting. It’s hard to talk properly when fifty hairy-assed Marines are listening in, but this time, the coast was clear, so I must’ve caught it at the right time.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get Easter weekend off. I was so looking forward to having you here. I still haven’t taken you to the beach or shown you around San Diego. It’s a beautiful place, Leesy, full of life and so much beauty. There’s something about beach living that makes the darkest problems seem somehow lighter. Maybe the beach is God’s natural stress reliever, along with the mountains of Wyoming, things he gave humanity to stop us going completely nuts.
My promotion’s coming along well. I’ve taken my first test, but I’ve still got a few more to go. Obviously, I‘ve got to do better at comms, but Spence is a good teacher, so I’m quietly confident. That’s if we get that far, we’re in Sarge’s bad books. Out on the range last week, he got shit on from a great height, literally. A bird crapped on his face. We were howling with laughter.
Every time we see him now, he scowls at us, but it was worth it just to see all that bird crap dripping off his ugly mug.
This business is serious, but we laugh a lot. I guess it’s to ease the tension. Sometimes, it’s like a pressure cooker here. Everybody’s talking about the news and what’s going on in the Middle East. I take solace in the fact that our warfare has come a long way since ‘Nam, and if we go in, it’ll probably be short and sharp.
Anyway, no point talking about something that hasn’t happened. God willing, everything will sort itself out, and I can get through the next few years without going to damned war.
Cross your fingers, baby.
I miss you so much that I dream of you, and they’re so vivid that sometimes I wake up and think you’re next to me. Your picture’s next to my bed and in my top pocket, and I wear my arrowhead proudly next to my heart. I’m feeling more settled now. I love going home to see you but hate leaving at the end. It’s what I chose and what I have to live with, at least for now.
Take care, baby. Hurry up and write.
Yours,
Stone.
Elise ~ May
John,
Hope you’re okay and everything’s going well there.
The semester ends soon, and I’m making plans with the mayor to start work at his office at city hall. I’m looking forward to it, and Mayor Henderson has assured me I’ll learn a lot. He’s not holding back. I’ve already gone in to train on his computers, which has been great. I don’t know if you use them at work. John, but I think they’re fantastic inventions. Everything about them is so quick and efficient.
I went out on Friday night, just to Lorcan O’Shea’s bar for Stevie’s birthday. The usual crowd was there, and I had fun, even though you weren’t there, and I could only drink soda. Stevie and Robert are getting along again. Rob seems to be back to his usual self. Some guy from Mapletree bothered me, and Robert came to my rescue, which I thought was good of him.
He told me to say hi, and so did Stevie and Kelly. We all miss you, and Stevie said he’ll write again soon. He’s busy at the office and studying for his Colorado realtor’s license so he can work over the border, but you’re in everybody’s thoughts.
My mom and dad ask after you. Mom wants to know if there’s anything she can send you to make life easier. I told her you’re in San Diego, not the middle of Siberia, but it’s sweet she asked. I said she should drop you a line because you love getting letters. She agreed to write you all the town gossip next week, so make sure to look out for that.
I saw your mom again on Sunday. It’s a regular date now. I think she likes having somebody to sit with in church—as you know, your dad isn’t exactly God-fearing. She told me she’s glad he doesn’t go with her because he’d probably cuss out loud and give the pastor a stroke.
She’s probably right.
I’ll keep sitting with her for as long as she wants me to. Mom has Dad, so it’s only fair that I look after your mom, too, even if it is just sitting with her in church.
Things are getting a little easier with the club. I saw a few of the guys at the Lucky Shamrock on Stevie’s birthday, and I got a chin lift from them. Okay, so they didn’t exactly gush over me, but it’s better than the cold shoulder, and it’s progress, right? I still don’t go to your house. I don’t feel comfortable there without you. Bandit’s around, and even though he’s always cool, he’s also distant with me, so I’m going to let sleeping dogs lie and hope he comes around at some point this century.
John, I’m so proud of you.
I can’t believe how well you’re doing. Actually, that’s a lie, I can totally believe how well you’re doing. Even Dad was impressed when I told him you’d be a Lance Corporal soon. Can you call me when you hear how your final test went? I know you only took it recently, but I’m so excited for you, especially as it’s the gateway to you getting the weapons training you were so enthusiastic about. Can I ask what exactly the position you’ll be training for is? You’ve never really spoken to me about it. I hope you’re safe and happy. I hope being there feeds your soul.
Nothing feels right without you, John. You said you dream about me; well, I dream about you, too. I dream of hot summer days down by the creek. I dream of us laying under the sunshine while it heats our backs. I dream of dangling our feet in the cool water of the creek. I dream of splashes, squeals, and laughter. I dream of kissing you under our tree.
Hope those days aren’t gone forever, John. The world’s changing so fast that I can’t seem to keep up with it.
Write soon.
Yours always,
Elise
XOXO
Elise ~ June
John,
It’s been nearly four weeks, and nobody’s heard from you. Your mom’s worried. She says your dad’s quieter these days because he’s fretting so much (though he won’t admit it).
I’m okay. I’m working six hours a day at the Municipal building. I took notes for the town meeting last week. I was so nervous I’d miss something, but I got everything down and typed the next day. Mayor Henderson said they were the most thorough notes he’d ever seen, but honestly, they were just detailing the new annex for the high school and how the sheriff’s department wanted to take on another deputy. Still, I guess it was good that I got an easy meeting to start me off.
Stevie got his Colorado realtor license. We’re all so happy for him, except Kelly, who complains that she doesn’t see him as much anymore. Everything seems to be changing, John. People are going to college, leaving town, and finding work in the cities. I couldn’t imagine leaving Hambleton, but I also wonder sometimes if I’ll be the only one left here.
Pete Barrington and Monica Stafford got engaged two weeks ago. They had a big engagement party at the new Country Club built just outside of town. They got planning permission to build houses down there, too. Every street will be named after a different flower, which I thought was a little corny. They’re also building a golf course at the club too. I overheard Robert talking to his dad about how it would bring new people to the town, but the ‘right kind.’ I thought that was mean. We all bleed red, John. Doesn’t matter how much money you’ve got in your pocket. What’s important is the love in your heart.
The best thing about working at the mayor’s office is spending time with Emmie Dixon. I love watching her go head-to-head with Robert (though he’s not there much). I’ve been told he’s got his own business, though I don’t know what it is or what it entails. Anyway, Emmie is hilarious. She says what she means and means what she says, and I think that’s the best way to be. I like knowing where I stand with people.
I don’t really know what else to say, John. I watch everybody go about their day and their business, but my life without you seems to stand still. I hate not hearing from you. I hate missing you so much. I hate not knowing where you are or what you’re doing. It’s the hardest part of this. You have a life that I don”t know anything about, and sometimes I feel so detached it’s like I’m on the outside looking in.
I’ll sign off now.
PLEASE write soon.
Thinking of you every minute.
Yours always,
Elise
XOXO
Elise ~ July
John,
I can’t sleep.
I can’t eat.
I can’t breathe.
Where are you? I need to know you’re okay. Even if something’s happened and your feelings for me have changed, I still need to know you’re alright.
In a way, I understand your life’s different now. You’re off doing everything you ever wanted. I know it must be alluring to do exciting things and experience all that adventure. Hambleton must be just a passing thought when you’re living life to the fullest and seeing things you never did before.
I understand everything, but please write and be honest, because not knowing feels like I’m in limbo.
I even went to your house. Your mom’s always out, and your dad won’t tell me anything.
I sense he knows more than he’s admitting, but I didn’t want to push the issue, especially after what happened the last time I demanded answers from him.
The world’s going crazy. There’s so much chatter on the news about Iran, Kuwait, and oil. I’m trying to learn as much as I can. I get a terrible feeling because Saddam Hussein is saying Kuwait has waged an economic war on his country. I had to ask Mayor Henderson what economic war is. He explained about the debt Iran owes Kuwait, and that’s fine, but what has it got to do with us?
I’m lost, alone, and my heart is sick with worry. Please, John, I’m desperate. Let me know if you’re okay. Just one letter with two words saying, ‘I’m okay.’
That’s all I need.
Please, just one letter.
Yours always, (even if you’re not mine).
Elise.
XOXO