14. Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fourteen
William
The heaviness of my eyelids refused to relent as morning light taunted me awake. Frankly, I could sleep for a week and the bone-deep exhaustion would likely still persist. The only saving grace was the warm body beside me in the unfamiliar bed. It was a solace I didn’t deserve but refused to let go of. I didn’t need to open my eyes to envision his features. I didn’t want to open my eyes for fear it was all a dream, and the nightmare of my life would come plummeting down around me.
The continual brightening of the room became more insistent with every passing moment until I finally cracked my eyelids open to stare at the ceiling overhead. Despite my weariness, the whirring of my intrusive thoughts was too loud for rest to return. Evidently, the volume was enough to disturb my bedfellow as well.
“It’s too early for all that obsessing, babe.” EJ shifted and buried his face into the center of my chest. “Your thinking is exceptionally loud.”
“Mn,” I grunted, not willing to admit how very right he was, nor wanting to actually discuss all the burdens that plagued me.
“Breakfast? I can rustle up eggs and toast… maybe.”
“I’d rather stay just like this if it pleases.” To drive home my point, I captured him in my arms and dragged him onto my chest.
“Jesus,” EJ muttered with a muffled laugh. “You really are a muscle jock.”
“Pardon?”
EJ laughed in earnest at my befuddlement. “Lionel said you were a classic muscle jock. I argued his point at first, but the fact of the matter is… you kinda are.”
“If you aren’t careful, I really will become jealous.” Lies—I already was jealous but not because of their history as a couple. I was a regular ole Jelly Green Giant over their easy relationship and effortless chemistry, even if there was zero chance of them giving their relationship another shot. My issue was definitely a me issue. My low mood and overwrought emotional state just exacerbated all my little insecurities.
“Don’t be jealous, babe. You’re here now. And,” he murmured with a grin before nipping at my collarbone. “I have every intention of keeping you exactly like this.”
“Tease.” I squirmed until I could switch our positions, earning me a surprised yip and another peel of laughter. God, his laugh could heal the deepest of wounds. I honestly couldn’t believe I’d gone without hearing it for over ten years. The familiar wave of icy cold guilt crept up my spine and apparently into my expression.
“Hey, come back to me.” EJ lifted his hands to cradle my cheeks. “We’re here right now. Got it?”
His eyes glittered in the bright golden sun of the autumn morning and I really was right here in the moment for a blissful second. I didn’t worry about work or my father or our troubled past and my lingering guilt for how poorly I’d handled everything. In a singular flash of clarity, I knew in my heart I was absolutely where I was always meant to be. There weren’t any words that would do the job of adequately expressing the depths of what I was feeling, so I did the only thing that made any sense at all—I blanketed his lips with mine and hoped that his crazy intuition would absorb what I wasn’t able to say.
Lost to the intimacy of a kiss that I wanted to pour my entire heart and soul into, I corralled him in my arms and pulled myself further down over him until a gentle hand pushed at my shoulder and forced me to break from his utterly distracting mouth.
“Hey… raincheck.” He peppered my cheeks with tinier kisses, barely brushing his lips over my heated skin. “I had plans to feed and water you before you wilt like my houseplants.”
I chuckled and chased his kisses to no avail. He was stubborn as a mule when he wanted to be.
“Seriously, you might have more muscles,” he grunted and forced me off his chest with a huff of laughter. “But I can still out-wrestle you.”
I ceded without much argument. Frankly, it was appealing to have him manhandle me, even if I could have easily tipped the scales in my favor. The game was more fun this way, though. Feeling infinitely lighter than I had in days, I let my boyfriend drag me out of bed and gladly accepted the sweatpants and sweatshirt that I knew would be too tight but would don anyway.
It was altogether too easy to fall into the trap of thinking this was my life and that I had nothing to worry about. We’d always moved together with effortless ease, reading one another’s body language and anticipating one another’s moves in a way that had us achieving anything and everything as though working through a well-choreographed dance routine. I made coffee while he preheated the frying pan. I handled the toast as he fried the eggs. I found his dishware without issue as he reached around me to grab silverware. Anyone on the outside looking in would assume I’d lived here alongside him for years and we’d been a couple for even longer. If only that were the case.
As soon as we sat down to enjoy our simple breakfast, the atmosphere took on an uncomfortable edge. The instant I looked at his face across the tiny table, I could tell he had something to say and that I probably wouldn’t like it. The same slick slime dread I’d felt the first time my father didn’t recognize me pooled in my stomach as my fork hovered over the eggs. There’d been a distinct pattern of loss happening in my life, and I honestly didn’t think I would be able to handle yet another—not after the most recent issues with my father.
“So,” EJ started, but I cut him off with a finger to his lips.
“No. Not yet.”
A slow arch of his eyebrow would have normally made me laugh, but the fear of his imminent rejection stole any levity I’d scrabbled together over the course of the morning. He tugged my hand away and laced our fingers together with a look of pity that I wanted to shut my eyes to avoid seeing.
“Will—”
“Please, no.” Ever the coward, I did, in fact, lower my eyelids.
“Babe, talk to me. What has you freaking out right now?”
“I’m not ready to break up. I refuse. I need this, EJ. I need you .”
“Oh, love. I’m not breaking up with you. That’s insane.” He set his fork down and reached across the distance to brush a thumb over my cheek. I was ashamed to realize it came away wet. “I was going to suggest that we just press pause, guilt-free and no worries. Just until you get things settled with your dad and I get done figuring out the campaign. You don’t need my stress on top of everything you’re dealing with.”
I shook my head and let my fork fall to the plate with a clatter. “That sounds an awful lot like breaking up, just in fancy packaging.”
“Will, no. I’m not—”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I messed up this week and I’m sorry I messed up ten years ago and I’m sorry my life is a complete disaster. Maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s best if we ‘press pause’ or whatever you want to call it until I am not living in a chaotic mess—”
“Stop. It.” EJ rose from his seat with a screech of wood over linoleum, rounding the table to capture my face between his palms. “Stop for one fucking second and just breathe , dammit.”
Stunned by his sudden movement and the fact that I wasn’t actually breathing properly, I froze and stared up into his eyes.
“We. Are. Not. Breaking. Up.” He shook my face and narrowed his eyes. “We’re concentrating on what we need to do, and then we will pick up where we left off.”
To be quite frank, none of that sounded like a great idea, but his insistence and the fact that I still felt monumentally guilty over pretty much everything left me feeling like I had no choice but to cede to his wishes. Honestly, the fact that he wasn’t attempting to break up with me was a blessing. Still, I didn’t love the idea of pressing pause, or whatever the hell he was calling it. My head bobbed up and down, despite everything in my gut screaming, “ No, no, no! ”
EJ dipped lower and pressed his lips to my forehead before returning to his side of the table. It left me with a weird mix of excitement and dread. I’d never realized how much I loved forehead kisses until he gave me one. I also felt a sinking sense of loss with the idea that this weird suspension of our newly-founded relationship meant that might be the last kiss for the foreseeable future.
Silence descended on us as EJ resumed eating and I half-heartedly pushed eggs around my plate while pretending to eat. The more I thought about this proposal, the more confusing it felt. I couldn’t make heads or tails of the situation. Nothing about it made sense. How does one pause a relationship? What does a pause entail? Could we still talk as friends? Where did one relationship end and another begin? Each whirlwind thought spun faster and faster until I couldn’t think straight, nor could I take a full breath. Eventually, I pushed my plate away and stood up.
“Hey, are you okay—”
“No. I think… I think I should go.”
“Whoa, hold up… you don’t have to—”
“No, I really do. I’m sorry. I just… I need to think about shit for a minute.”
“Okay,” EJ mumbled, visibly deflating in his chair with a look of confusion on his face. I related to it on a deep level. Everything about this entire conversation was confusing as hell and I needed to get some fresh air and breathing room before I had a complete breakdown over every unfair, perplexing, and emotionally draining event of the last month.
“I’ll call. Or you call. We’ll talk.” I ruffled my sleep-rumpled hair and retreated before I could change my mind and do something mortifying like fall to my knees crying and pleading for him to reconsider this stupid pause proposal.
“Yeah, okay.” EJ tracked my movement through the room with a wary eye. “Are you all right?”
“Yeah. No. I don’t know.” I shrugged and let my shoulders sag with a sigh. “I honestly don’t know.”
The world passed in a blur as I shuffled through EJ’s house to collect my things. I’d arrived in a fog and was leaving in a daze—a victim to the circumstances of my life instead of an active participant. The idea was a depressing one as I collected my still slightly damp clothes from the floor and gathered my cell, keys, and wallet from the side table. I laughed over the fact that just that morning, I’d marveled to myself that maybe it would one day be “my” side of the bed. There was no joy in my huffy breath of a chuckle. Honestly, I was mostly disappointed in my naivete.
I didn’t bother returning to the kitchen to say goodbye, nor did EJ come into the hall to do the same. As I climbed into my truck and turned the key in the ignition, the cold truth of it hit me—pause was his way of letting me down gently. Unlike how I ran from him back in high school and again the night my dad crashed the car, EJ had the maturity to ease me into our inevitable breakup. And I deserved it. God, did I deserve his rejection. As much as it hurt in a deep way that only exacerbated the mourning I was already entrenched in, I knew it was earned. I’d disappointed him and rejected him in ways I’d never be able to fathom. This was just karma finally catching up with me.
That didn’t make it hurt any less, though.