Harper
“So, what are we doing for your birthday?” Jennifer bounces on the bottom of my bed, making me groan.
This is the one morning I don’t need to be up early for classes and she’s ruining my peace and quiet. I wasn’t really sleeping, but I was reading. I could pretend just for a little bit that nothing outside of my bed existed.
“I don’t know,” I groan, throwing a pillow towards her face. She dodges it at the last second, making me wish I had more things to hit her with.
“I don’t know.” I move my lips back and forth as I think.
“What’s holding you back? Normally you’d be all over this.”
“Jackson might come visit,” I whisper softly.
“Oh, please! That man isn’t coming to Pittsburgh. Not for your birthday weekend. They have a game every night. I actually thought of taking you home for a game, but I can’t. I have to babysit that Saturday morning. I promised Mrs. Mellan weeks ago and didn’t realize what day it was.”
“I know. I just miss him. I wish we didn’t live so far away from each other.”
“Well, what are you going to do after graduation?”
“I don’t know that either!”
“Do you know anything?” She smirks.
“No! I feel like I'm just going through the motions right now, but I don’t really know where life is taking me.”
“You need to take control and make some decisions!”
“Yeah, I’ll get right on that.” I roll my eyes as I stretch my arms over my head, then climb out of bed.
I need to apply for a few more jobs before I get ready for class. I hate having my future so up in the air, especially when college is coming to a close in a few short weeks. I don’t have much time to figure it all out and that’s making me anxious.
“Hey, sweetheart.” Evan tugs me into his arms and presses a quick kiss to my lips. We’re in the lobby of the restaurant and it’s a little more affection than I like to show in public.
We’ve been dating off and on since we started college. I met him on my first day of classes. We were both late for English because we couldn’t find the correct building. We ended up stumbling into the class twenty minutes late, laughing like we were having the time of our lives.
The professor did not appreciate the disruption we caused, but apparently, it’s a common occurrence for the freshmen to get lost finding their classes.
“Hey.” I smile up at him. “How was your day?”
“Better now that I have you in my arms.”
I hum a response. I like Evan, I really do, but I can’t stop thinking about Jackson and I don’t know why. The closer and closer I get to graduation, the more and more I think about him.
I can’t really explain it, but he’s where my mind keeps going. To a life with him. A family and a future with him by my side.
I’ve never really looked at Jackson as a man I could marry and start a family with, but all of a sudden, I am. I look forward to our calls every week. It’s all I think about.
It’s not that I’ve never been attracted to Jackson, because I'm pretty sure that I spent my entire childhood thinking he was the cutest boy on the face of the planet, and he’s only gotten more and more attractive as the years have gone by…
I just thought our age gap was a little too big. Seven years is a lot.
But somehow seven years doesn’t seem like that much now that I'm in my twenties and I’m finishing college. It doesn’t feel like this big obstacle standing in between us anymore.
In the end, I'm not sure if Jackson will ever look at me like that. He’s never really flirted with me, but he’s always been a constant in my life.
I’ve leaned on him more than anyone else.
We share everything with each other and never worry about being judged or criticized. We can just be ourselves.
“C’mon, Harper. Everyone is over here.” Evan slips his hand into mine and pulls me towards the back of the restaurant.
I frown as I follow him. I thought we were just going out to celebrate my birthday. Alone.
Evan said he wanted to celebrate a week early since he wasn’t sure what I wanted to do on my actual birthday. He wanted to give me a special night out, just the two of us.
As I try my hardest to keep up with his long strides, I think about how when Jackson takes me somewhere, he always keeps a hand on the small of my back. He alters his stride to match mine and I never feel like I have to hurry.
Shaking my head, I try to focus on the here and now. Jackson’s five hours away from me and he’s not the person I'm spending my night with. Evan’s here and happy to see me. He’s celebrating my birthday with me and it’s horrible that I'm thinking about another man.
We step through a doorway and the room erupts in cheers and shouts. I glance around smiling at all of our friends. There are streamers and a happy birthday sign hanging over a table with a big cake sitting in the center of it.
“What is this?” I glance up at Evan with a smile on my face.
“I wanted to give you a nice birthday. So many of these people will be leaving Pittsburgh soon, I thought it would be fun to have one more celebration.” He cups my cheek and stares down into my eyes. “I love you, Harper.”
My smile falters. We’ve never said those three little words to each other. Not once in the four years we’ve been dating off and on. I can’t do it. I can’t utter them when I don’t really feel them.
Though I’d never admit it, even to myself, Evan and I were never meant to stay together past college. He’s the man I knew I’d walk away from as soon as I left this chapter behind, and I was ok with that.
“Happy birthday!” Jennifer slams into my body and wraps me in a tight hug, giving me a second to breathe. A moment to compose myself and figure out how I'm supposed to respond to Evan. I won’t tell him I love him when I don’t think I do.
Don’t get me wrong, Evan’s a great guy, but I don’t picture a future with him.
I can’t imagine waking up next to him every day for the rest of my life or seeing miniature versions of him running around our house.
No, the man I imagine has an infectious smirk and the most gorgeous brown eyes with gold flecks I’ve ever seen.
He has a way of murmuring my name that sends butterflies fluttering through my stomach.
He’s the one I look forward to talking to and really hope I can see this weekend.
“Are you ok?” She whispers in my ear as she pretends she’s still hugging me. She’s really just giving me a chance to get my emotions back in check.
“He just told me he loves me,” I whisper.
“And you don’t feel the same.” Her words aren’t a question. She knows how I feel. She knows I wasn’t necessarily planning on continuing our relationship after we graduate. “Ummm… Harper? Why are Evan’s parents here?”
I pull out of her arms and follow her line of sight. Mr. and Mrs. Fodder are standing in the corner of the room with a few couples around their age. Most of them I don’t recognize, but some of them I do. Evan’s aunts and uncles are here and is that… his grandma?
“I don’t know,” I whisper. “I need your help, Jennifer.” I blindly reach for her arm.
“It’s ok! We’ll get through this together. I just need you to stay calm.” She glances around before she grabs me and practically drags me to the bathroom.
As soon as the door shuts behind us, she does that thing you see girls do in the movies all the time. She checks under each stall and makes sure no one is in here, then she leans against the door so no one can get in.
“Listen to me. You’re going to freak out, and I get that, but you can’t.”
“Do you know what’s going on?” I'm frantic as I stare at her.
“No… but maybe? A few weeks ago, Evan approached me and said he wanted to get you something special for your birthday. He played it off like it wasn’t a big deal, but now I'm thinking it was…” She trails off as she nibbles on her bottom lip.
“Spill it!” I hiss, my fingers clenching my skirt, digging into my thighs, as I try to stay calm.
“I think he might be planning on proposing to you tonight.” She winces as the silence stretches between us.
My mind spins with so many thoughts I can’t think straight. Every single one comes back to Evan and how I don’t want to marry him. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with him.
I wish it were Jackson about to propose.
The thought comes out of nowhere and slams me in the chest. I stumble back a few steps and catch myself on the sink. Spinning around, I face the mirror and hang my head.
This can’t be happening.
“Harper, talk to me,” Jennifer says softly.
“I can’t do this.” I know the words are coming out of my mouth, but the voice doesn’t even sound like my own. It sounds like a stranger. But maybe that’s the problem. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t know what I want, only what I don’t want. And I don’t want Evan Fodder.
“Hey, you can’t run away.”
“So, what am I supposed to do?” I'm pleading with her to help me. To give me any ideas of what I can do to get out of this situation.
“Well, I only have one idea…”