Colin
Leaning back in the chair, I stared up at the dining area ceiling and groaned, tilting my head from one side to the next with a sigh.
I had fallen asleep instantly after my extended shower, though it was probably more accurate to say I had passed out.
Apparently, I hadn’t moved in my sleep because my neck had been stiff the entire day and I was irritated with its constant, nagging presence.
I heard someone enter and grunt. “That’s so not fucking fair.”
Opening my eyes, I raised my brow at Carter, who was pouring himself a cup of coffee. “What’s not fair?”
“You were up even later than the rest of us from what I heard, and you don’t even look fucking tired,” he muttered, and I watched as he joined me at the table, sitting across from me. “Hell, you look like you’re in a good mood.”
“It’s a special technique called…I’ve had far worse and longer nights than last night, that’s for sure,” I said, leaving out the fact that part of that long night had been a long dick in my throat.
Long and thick. Mmm, good memory, even if the moments before and after were a little more dubious.
Of course, I’d yet to experience the fallout from last night since Xander had yet to make an appearance.
I wondered if he was going to avoid me today, and if he did, that would beg the question of how long he was going to avoid me.
Men could be so dramatic sometimes.
“Jake told me you served,” he said with a frown at his coffee cup. “Also told me what it’s like, being a Marine like him, and how they are about guys like you.”
I chuckled. “It probably should have occurred to me to warn you guys that the little crayon eaters can be awfully protective of their docs. Nice to see he’s still…very much Jake.”
“What do you mean?”
“He threw down with you without hesitation last night, but today? Today he sat you down and explained shit. And I bet he was that same goofy idiot he’s been from the moment he picked me up from the airport.”
Carter blinked and then grinned. “Of course he was. I dunno if he can even hold a grudge.”
“Probably, but I’m afraid to think about what could piss him off so much he’d hold on long enough to be a grudge,” I admitted.
Carter chuckled. “He was right though, about keeping your ass safe. You’re the guy who’s going to keep us in one piece if something goes tits up, and you’re the one we’re going to have to turn to if someone we’re trying to help needs your skills…
and brains. It wouldn’t have done anyone any good last night if you had slipped down that slope and busted your head open. ”
I nodded. “That’s a fair point.”
“You know, from anyone else, I’d say you were being cocky about how important you are,” he said, squinting at me. “But you’re not. It’s like…like last night, when you made that call. No ego, just…telling it how it is.”
“There is plenty of room in my life for joking, being a smartass, hell, even being a cocky asshole, just ask me about my head game and I’ll brag.
” He stared at me, snorted, and I winked at him.
“But there are places in my life where I can’t be any of those things, and that’s when you know I’m being serious. I don’t want to be cold, but—”
“You aren’t,” he said with a miserable shrug. “I saw how you were with Sarah. You’re a funny guy.”
“Mmm, don’t tell Xander, he might kill you,” I said with a laugh.
“Aww, Big Boss doesn’t have a sense of humor.
Don’t worry about him,” Carter said with a wave of his hand.
I did my best not to let him notice the nickname was a bit of a trigger because I could remember clearly the feel of Xander throbbing when I’d called him that.
“But I just meant…like last night. You were so steady and sure when you gave the order, you were ready to rip our heads off when we were too quick and almost hurt her, you were cool with Reno, and you were…you weren’t cold with that Sarah girl, you were kind and steady for her. You did what we needed you to do.”
“You make it sound more impressive than it felt,” I said.
“My point is…you were right, and I was an asshole,” he said, staring at his coffee with a frown. “I’m still kind of pissed at you, and I don’t think I’m ever going to like seeing someone make such…cold decisions, but I know you were right.”
“I can live with that, on a personal level,” I said, leaning down to catch his eyes.
I waited until he looked up. “But for us, this team, what we do? I need to know that last night won’t happen again.
If you don’t like something I say, make sure you’ve got more going for you than emotions, and when you don’t like my decisions, don’t take it out on me the way you did.
Yell if you want, bellow and bitch, then sit the fuck down with me and we'll talk about it. But never like last night.”
The corner of his lips twitched. “You’re like a more patient version of Big Boss. You might even be a bigger asshole.”
“I’m going to take that as a compliment,” I told him with a smirk. “I don’t think it is one, but I’ll take it anyway.”
“I’m…not sure if it is,” he said, rubbing the back of his head. “Just popped into my head.”
“And out of your mouth,” I snorted.
“Yeah, I do that,” he said with a nervous chuckle. The sort of chuckle that rolled out when you talked about something that probably wasn’t a good thing, but you accepted it as a fact of life. “And, uh…also about last night.”
I bit back the urge to tell him to leave it alone. “What about it?”
“When I was a kid, I took off on my sister who was supposed to be watching me. It was a stupid thing to do and it, uh…” he cleared his throat twice roughly. “She died because of it. I was found the next day, but she, well—”
I nodded. “I get it.”
“Do you?” It wasn’t doubt that prompted the question; I could sense he genuinely wanted to know if I understood.
“Not a sibling; my mother died when I was younger. I had a close friend get hit by a truck when I was ten. And…I lost a few Marines in my time too,” I said with a shrug, as a familiar leaden weight settled in my chest. “I know what it’s like to still hurt over something that happened a long time ago.
And I know what it’s like to feel guilty and full of regret years later… even when it perhaps wasn’t my fault.”
Carter stared at me for a moment before nodding.
“Right, well…I just wanted you to know. It’s…
when they saved me, they were… they were a lot like you were with Sarah last night.
They held my hand the whole way to safety, like you did.
They were kind and gentle, and they tried their best… just like you did. But I—”
“You saw Ellie and Sarah, and you thought of your sister.”
“I know, I mean, I did. And it’s stupid.”
“It’s human.”
Carter’s mouth twisted. “Maybe. But I can’t be that type of human if I’m going to do this kind of work. I’m going to get someone killed if I act like that every time something goes wrong.”
“Was last night the first time you had to deal with someone dying instead of being rescued?” I asked gently.
His eyes told me before his mouth opened. “Yes.”
I nodded. “Then last night makes even more sense.”
“I fucked up.”
“And no one got hurt because of it, the perfect way to fuck up and learn from it.”
“I punched you.”
“Eh, and Jake decked you twice in return.”
“God, I’m a big guy, but getting hit by him—”
“Like a fist tied to the front of a train?”
Carter snorted. “Pretty close, actually.”
“Look,” I said, giving his forearm a squeeze. “Everything I’ve said so far? I meant it.”
“And let me guess? Don’t be sorry, be better?”
“Mmm, something like that. But with the promise that you can sit down and talk to me about this sort of shit any time. I can be cold enough to make hard decisions, but I don’t want to stay that way in my everyday life.
So when you’re done being pissed at me, we’ll have a beer or two.
Maybe I’ll tell you about my mother and you can tell me about your sister, or you can tell me about the one who got away and I can tell you about the ex who tried to explain a Grindr notification sound as a bug in his phone’s operating system. ”
Carter blinked. “Seriously? That’s a lame-ass lie.”
“Kinda what I told him, but with a lot more swearing and threats to beat his ass if he didn’t leave my apartment,” I said with a laugh.
“Huh, so you can actually fight?”
“Carter, we’re all trained to fight. But when you hang out with a bunch of testosterone-fueled Marines in their late teens and early twenties, you either avoid them when they want to spar or you join them.
Plus, it was a good way to blow off steam when I couldn’t in other ways.
So yeah, I can fight. And I kept up with it after getting out. ”
“So…you probably could have taken me?”
“No offense, but uh, pretty sure I could do more than ‘probably’ take you.”
He wrinkled his nose. “Huh.”
“And now you’re wondering why I didn’t fight back,” I said in amusement.
“A little, but I should probably get back out there. Big Boss doesn’t fuck around when he says you’re doing something as punishment,” he said as he got to his feet. “By the way, thanks for not telling him. He definitely knew something happened, but—”
“Last night wasn’t about him; he didn’t need to worry about it,” I told him with a shrug. “By the way, I need you and Mav to figure out a day to come see me in the clinic.”
Carter blinked. “What? Why?”
“You’re behind on your tetanus shot and rabies,” I told him. “And Mav…he’ll know why.”
“This some sort of privacy thing?”
“Legal privacy,” I said.
“Rabies,” he muttered, snatching up his travel mug. “Like I’m a house cat.”
“They get them every year, we only need them every few years, and your last one was five years ago,” I told him dryly. “Out in these woods? Better to have and not need than to need and not have.”
“Ugh,” he said, his last comment before turning and leaving. Only for me to hear him go, “Oh, uh—”
“Go,” I heard a familiar voice rumble, making me wary and sending a familiar tingle of anticipation through me.