Chapter 11 #2
Alex chuckled. ‘Probably. You know’ – his smile grew – ‘I really think we’ve turned a corner.
In life, I mean… me and Billie. I think it started when we met you, but now…
well, it feels as if everything is coming up roses.
I probably shouldn’t say that – I’m tempting fate to give me a reality check, but…
things are good, and they keep getting better.
If I can make this business work, we could have a good life.
I mean, we could have a great life, the dream life. It could be perfect… don’t you reckon?’
‘Nothing is perfect.’
Alex’s smile slipped, but he soon rallied again. ‘It’s not like you to be negative.’
‘I wasn’t trying to be. I’m sorry… I’m tired, that’s all. Like you said, it’s been a tough day at work.’
‘Everything’s all right, though?’
‘Of course. I only meant nothing is perfect because it can’t be, but you’re right, life could be great. It could be idyllic.’
He left his seat to call up the stairs to Billie. Zoe heard a muffled reply, something along the lines of telling her dad to be patient and that she’d be down shortly.
‘I’ll put the pie in to warm then!’ he shouted back. Billie began to say something else, but he’d stopped listening. Instead, he went to the oven to do as he’d promised and then went to the freezer. ‘Peas…’ he mumbled with his head still in there. ‘Peas will do, won’t they?’
‘I’m sure they’ll be fine.’ Zoe watched him, suddenly feeling stifled, her heart beating in her ears.
She was beginning to recognise this now – a sort of burning, irrational attack of anxiety that came from nowhere, but she couldn’t let Alex see it.
‘I’m going to…’ She got up and went to open the window, and when he turned to face her, peas in hand, he frowned.
‘What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing… a bit hot.’
‘You do look flushed.’
‘It’s warm in here… probably the oven.’
‘Right…’
Alex looked as if he might delve further, and Zoe tried to form some sort of response to his questions, but her muddled thoughts wouldn’t cooperate.
All she knew was that her senses were heightened, like she was on red alert for some threat that was nowhere to be seen, and she felt as if she could melt into a puddle.
But she was saved from any interrogation by a tentative knock at the door. Grizzle went mad, racing around and barking, until Alex managed to get him into the living room and then went to the outside door.
On the step was one of the men from the camping field. With him, he had two identical little boys.
‘I’m sorry to bother you…’ the man said, a boy holding each of his hands. ‘We were wondering if you had a spare foot pump we could borrow until we get to town tomorrow. Ours seems to have packed up the minute we need it – bought it new as well.’
‘Of course!’ Alex stepped back. ‘Come in for a minute… Zoe… this is… sorry, mate, I forgot your name.’
‘Gavin.’
‘Right, yeah.’ Alex grinned at the boys. ‘But I haven’t forgotten your names. I just have to get them the right way around.’ He pointed at one of them. ‘Herbie?’
‘No!’ The little boy shook his head vigorously. ‘I’m Arthur!’
‘Ah, right! So… Zoe, come and say hello to Herbie and Arthur…’
Zoe took a breath and straightened up. ‘Hello!’ she said as brightly as she could manage. ‘I’ve heard everything about you!’
Alex dashed to the cupboard. ‘Do you like chocolate? I mean’ – he glanced at Gavin – ‘if your dad says it’s OK.’
‘Their mum would kill me, but I say they’re on holiday, so go for it.’
Alex dashed back with two small chocolate bars and handed them one each. Both boys took the gift with shy smiles.
‘They’re your friends for life now,’ Gavin said. ‘They’d sell their mum for a bar of chocolate. They’d probably sell me too.’
‘Dad!’ Herbie grinned, pulling at his hand. ‘Silly!’
‘Let me go and get the foot pump for you,’ Alex said, leaving them with Zoe.
‘Is this your first time in the Lake District?’ she asked, using every ounce of her energy to appear normal, even though she was melting down.
‘It is mine, though my brothers have been before. With their kids, you know. It’s a great site you’ve got up here.’
‘We like it.’
‘Nice and peaceful.’
‘Hmm…’
The conversation petered out. Zoe forced a smile and hoped she didn’t look too unhinged. At least her heart rate was calming a little, and perhaps in a couple of minutes she’d be able to function like a human being again.
‘Here you go…’
Alex was back. After he’d furnished his guest with the pump and they’d exchanged a few more pleasantries, the family left.
‘They’re so cute, aren’t they?’
‘The twins? Yes, very sweet.’
‘Are you all right?’
Zoe nodded. ‘Hungry. Ready for that pie now – it smells good.’
‘It does,’ Alex agreed. ‘I don’t know what Billie is doing, but if she doesn’t get down here in a couple of minutes, she might not get any because I could eat the lot.’
As Zoe took a seat at the table once more, she became aware of him watching her.
‘I’m all right,’ she said. ‘In case you were going to ask. I’ve cooled down now I’ve had a minute at the window.’
‘You promise you’re looking into this?’
‘There’s nothing to look into.’
‘I worry about—’
‘I said there’s nothing to look into! Could we drop it, please?’
Billie appeared at the door, Louisa sucking on a fist. She glanced at Alex and Zoe in turn. ‘Not interrupting anything, am I?’
‘No,’ Alex said with a wary look at Zoe. ‘But you’re just in time for food because I was saying it smells so good I could have eaten your share.’
‘Corrine showed me how to make it. It’s puff pastry.’
‘That’s tricky,’ Zoe said.
‘It wasn’t too bad.’ Billie settled Louisa into her swing chair before taking her own seat at the table. ‘Corrine held Louisa while I had a go. I think she wanted an excuse to have a cuddle.’
‘I’ll bet,’ Zoe said. ‘Have you thought more about asking them to be godparents?’
Billie shrugged. ‘I don’t know whether I’ll bother with all that christening stuff. It’s a bit old-fashioned.’
‘It’s an excuse to show her off and reconnect with family you don’t see much.’
‘That’s the thing…’ Billie’s expression darkened, and instantly Zoe realised her mistake.
‘It’s not like there’s much in the way of family.
Not that we’re close to anyway. And all of Luis’s family are in Spain – they might struggle to come.
I’m not going to expect them to pay all that money for flights and stuff to go to some random church service for an hour. ’
‘They might like the opportunity to refuse the offer,’ Alex said as he poured some peas into a pan. ‘And it needn’t cost much because we could put them up here.’
Billie shrugged. ‘I don’t know… we’ll see. Oh…’ She jumped out of her seat again and went into the living room, returning a few seconds later with a gift bag, which she handed to Alex. ‘I got you this.’
Alex smiled as he opened the bag. ‘My favourite! What’s this for?’
‘Just to say well done, you know. To celebrate the camping field opening.’
‘Aww…’ Alex placed a light kiss on her forehead. ‘Thanks!’
‘Don’t get all soppy about it,’ Billie said as she sat down again. ‘It’s only a bottle of wine.’
‘I’ll try not to.’
Zoe watched as they continued to chat. After a minute or so, Billie took over the cooking and Alex went to coo over Louisa.
Then Grizzle slipped by Billie to return to the kitchen, and Alex had to lead him by his collar back to the living room and shut the door again because he was determined to lick Louisa’s face.
All was warm, affectionate chaos, the sort of scene being played out in kitchens up and down the country, and though Alex and Billie constantly told Zoe how much she belonged in their family now, sometimes she didn’t feel that way.
At times like this, she felt like the outsider she was.
They’d tell her otherwise, and deep down she knew the divide was often of her own making, but that didn’t stop the uncertainty.
Being here, especially now, felt like being here on borrowed time.
The more she thought about the outcome of sharing with Alex the possibility that they might never have their own children, the less she wanted to.
Maybe she didn’t have to. If she could get her symptoms under control, perhaps they could bumble along as they were now, and the question would never arise.
He loved her, didn’t he? And she loved him.
She loved him like she’d never loved anyone, and that was why she knew how wrong it was to keep this from him.
He deserved to know, and he deserved to choose the life that would give him, or to reject it, if he felt it wasn’t what he wanted.
It was because she loved him like she’d never loved anyone that she was also terrified to tell him what their future held if they stayed together.
She wanted to believe that his talk of more children was simply idle speculation, affectionate musings on what their time as a couple might bring, and that he’d be happy if fatherhood only eventually gave him Billie.
He adored Billie, after all, and if anyone asked him, he would always say she was enough.
So why was Zoe so scared that it might not be true?
She decided to push her worries to the back of her mind. They were irrational, after all. Weren’t they?
Louisa began to grumble, and Alex scooped her out of her seat and walked her around the kitchen, trying to make her laugh as Billie plated up their food. And when she did finally let out an infectious giggle, his reaction was almost enough to break Zoe’s heart.
He grinned as he lifted Louisa into the air.
‘Dad! You’ll drop her!’
‘I never dropped you,’ he said, pulling a silly face at Louisa.
‘I don’t care – don’t do that with her.’
‘She loves it!’
It was true that Louisa’s giggling had intensified. To Zoe, the sound of a happy baby was one of the most beautiful things in the world.
Billie slapped down a serving spoon and went to retrieve her daughter. ‘Finish putting the tea out while I get her back in her seat.’
‘Spoilsport!’
‘You did say you were starving. You’re not going to get much to eat if you’re messing around with Louisa, are you?’
Alex went to take over from Billie, smiling at Zoe. She offered one in return, though it was as hard-won as most of the ones she’d given him that evening. ‘I can’t wait until she can sit at the table with us and eat pie.’
‘That’s ages away,’ Billie said. ‘She can’t even eat mashed banana yet.’
‘It won’t be long,’ Alex said. ‘I remember thinking that when you were a baby, and the next thing I know, you’re twenty-three. It goes in the blink of an eye.’
‘You always say that,’ Billie replied, frowning, but a smile fought to break free behind it.
‘Probably,’ Alex said. ‘But as you keep reminding me, I’m old now, so it’s no wonder I’m repeating myself.’
Billie put three plates out, rolling her eyes. ‘Honestly, there’s no hope for you.’ She glanced at Zoe. ‘Thanks for taking him on – you need a medal.’