Chapter 41
Failure isn’t really something I lead with, but today wasn’t what I was hoping for. It feels like I lit the fucking match and burned my entire empire down, instead of reclaiming it.
The worst part? Making a point to have a conversation with the very person who will now change the title of their article The Comeback to The Bull Riding Blunder.
I thought I’d bring home the gold today and tomorrow I’d be making a special trip to deliver a handful of cash to my parents. Now, all I’d be bringing back is a sad sack story that invites an open invitation to a conversation I’ve avoided since this all started.
I remove my hat as I arrive at the arena’s back exit. My head hangs low, disappointment weighing me down as I walk toward my truck. The closer I get, the more angry I feel.
I had that. The ride was good. The bull was performing just as he should, and it may not have been a first place ride, but it could have been at least top ten, maybe even top five.
Touching the bull was weak-minded, and as I trudge through the parking lot, my argument only feels to be the same.
This sport isn’t easy, and no matter how good I am, there’s always a chance a ride won’t go in my favor.
I need to stop forcing blame and pick myself up instead.
Push forward, because that’s not only what I want, but also what I’ve been taught.
Someone clears their throat, and I look up immediately. I expect to see another rider or a reporter, and I hope like hell it’s not Mr. Cassidy, but leaning up against my truck isn’t someone looking for a fight or a story, it’s Dad.
“Hey, son,” he says, sympathetically.
Surprise takes my emotions by the reins, but sorrow quickly relapses at the weight of what happened today. I don’t have it in me to joke. I’m disappointed. Defeated. So I greet him back with a hug.
He’s shorter than me by three or four inches, but he’s just as lean.
His arms wrap around me and his hug feels like he needs it nearly as bad as I do.
We stand there a moment before patting each other’s back, as if the embrace didn’t last a solid minute.
It’s what us men do after all, compress our feelings so that others don’t mistake us for having them.
Our arms retreat to our own sides before he asks, “Wanna talk?”
I don’t. Not really. There really ain’t much to talk about. But the last time he tried to talk to me, I let us both down. Returning wasn’t just about the comeback, it was about making a change. One that leads to deeper connections with those I love. So instead, I nod. “Yeah.”
Heading toward my tailgate, he drops it open. Like every square inch of this beast, it squeaks until it lands in its resting place and then once more at the weight of Dad as he takes a seat on it.
“How much ya see?” I move toward him, the tail-end of my truck sinking further once my weight meets it.
“None of it. Well, not in person.” His lip curls into a half smile, a gentle understanding residing in his eyes. “Ya, didn’t invite us to the show. Didn’t seem right to sit in the stands.”
“So you just sat outside?”
He shakes his head. “No, there’s a diner down the road. I sat there and watched.”
Lacing my hands together, I twiddle my thumbs back and forth.
Embarrassed he saw the ride, but also because I didn’t tell my family about it.
I didn’t want to though. I meant it when I decided to do this ride for me and only me.
I should have known if anyone figured it out it’d be him, though. “How’d ya know?”
“Dummy’s been missin’ a while. This event is a good qualifier, but she ain’t so big she’s dauntin’, I figured this would be the one ya’d pick.”
He’s right. Of course, he is. He’s the one who taught me everything I know. I smile before my frown returns and settles on my lips. “I fucked it up again, though.”
“Son, ya never fucked up a single thing. I’ve told ya that.
Ma and I don’t tell ya sweet nothin’s, we mean everythin’ we say.
” He isn’t angry, but his disappointment feels worse than if he was.
“Ya bringin’ every buckle home don’t make a difference to us.
We’re proud of who ya are. Your dedication, your honesty, and your heart.
We knew we raised a super star long before ya ever touched a bull, and you’ll be one long after too.
Don’t let the low points in life set your worth. ”
My chest tightens at the love and support ringing in every single word out of his mouth.
He always knows what to say. Him and Ma have always done so much, gone above and beyond.
I just want to make them proud. I want to help them, just like they’ve constantly helped me.
“I’m real sorry about how short-tempered I was with ya when we last talked.
I wanted to fix everythin’ for ya and was doin’ my best to ignore my issues.
I just thought I could come back and it’d be…
I don’t know…easy? I’ve done this practically since I could walk. I figured I’d come back and win.”
Dad huffs. “Son, if it was easy, everyone would be doin’ it.
Anythin’ worth doin’ is gonna be hard or you’d find no thrill in it at all.
There’d be no reason to be proud of yourself, and titles would be worth absolutely nothin’.
” He rubs his chin, turning his head back and forth as he thinks.
“Ya want easy? Then give up now. Stick to a nine to five that doesn’t fill up your cup, wake up unhappy and go to sleep just the same.
But ya want to live? To truly make it to the top?
Then put in the work. Do things that make wakin’ up excitin’.
If ya fall, ya get back up again. Ya live and ya take the wounds just as ya take the wins.
Listen, grow, and love like there ain’t no tomorrow because someday, there won’t be. And then what?”
I tilt my head up to the sky, sucking in a deep breath before exhaling slowly. When I finally look back at Dad, I offer him a single nod. “You’re right. I lost sight of what I wanted because everythin’ came so easy and then when it didn’t, it made me question everythin’ else.”
Dad claps me on the back, his words as warm as the look in his familiar brown eyes. “Damn near impossible to grow if ya don’t trip a bit along the way. Follow that gut, son. Ya never know what life’s got in store for ya. But if ya trust your instincts, I’d be willin’ to bet good will come from it.”
“It’s taken me longer than I’d like to admit to see that, but you’re right.”
The familiar Rogers’ air returns to him as a cocky look glints in his eyes. “Never knew that was in question,” he chuckles, bumping his shoulder into mine. “By the way, ya shouldn’t trust your brother to keep his yap shut.” He smiles ear to ear. “So, tell me about this girl.”