Chapter 38
Rook avoids me after our encounter in the simulation. Only part of me is surprised.
He refuses to make eye contact even in biology class, where we’re forced to sit at the same table. He responds only in one-word grunts, and it isn’t that different from our first day, but I hate that he won’t look at me. And I hate that I even care. It shouldn’t bother me this much.
When I close my eyes, I can’t stop seeing his perfect face as he leaned over me, his lips parted softly, inviting me in like a bad decision I really want to make. I’d never admit it out loud, but I’ve fallen asleep to that image every night since.
But that’s secondary to the more pressing issue.
We have to talk about this.
I refuse to ignore the fact that I’m in the presence of another Keeper.
Even if he won’t acknowledge me, I already feel less alone than I have in my entire life.
I’m not the only one. Someone else is like me and trying to hide it.
We could be . . . what? A team? Confidants? Friends?
Probably not, but something.
We have to be something.
While Rook avoids me, I avoid Knox.
I show up late to the cafeteria and scarf down my meals before he even has a chance to notice I’m there. Cadet training occupies most of my time, and with my move to Aria’s dorm wing, I’ve become nearly inaccessible.
I might be a social pariah, but I accomplished the two things I wanted, at least.
Unfortunately, it’s all overshadowed by my parents, who have continued with their silent treatment, and it’s slowly eating me from the inside.
Maybe it was naive to think I wouldn’t lose them, too.
Still, I cling to the hope that our estrangement is only temporary.
There has to be a way to make this right.
I’m heading for the gym after classes when someone grabs my arm and spins me around.
Knox stands before me with wild eyes, his hair disheveled, his brow furrowed with what I interpret as worry and frustration. He doesn’t look great, and the smallest flare of guilt burns in my chest.
“Poet,” he says. “Stop avoiding me.”
I huff out a breath through my nose and step back, trying to put some distance between us.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“We have to talk about it.”
He’s so uncharacteristically earnest that I find myself nodding.
“My mom said you called her.”
I sigh and tug on my ponytail. “Yeah. My mom is icing me out. And my dad . . .”
“That’s what I want to talk to you about,” Knox says. “I’ve spoken with Grady and my dad about you and this whole thing.”
My spine stiffens. Of course they’ve been talking about me.
“Can we go somewhere to talk?” Knox asks.
He says it gently, and it occurs to me that I do owe him a conversation.
Some kind of closure on this chapter of our lives.
But I’m also not sure I’m ready for that.
Now or maybe ever. I’d prefer it if we could just pretend the last few years never happened.
“I have to get to the gym. I’m already late for training.” I thumb behind me, but I realize that was the wrong thing to say because his eyes narrow.
“Training. You’re still going through with the cadet program.”
Not this again.
“Is that why you haven’t been in class? I thought you were avoiding me.”
“Well . . .” I wince, unwilling to finish the thought. It’s been a bit of both.
“After everything you’ve done, you still want to join the Storm Guard.” His lips press hard enough to go bloodless. “Poet, you’re walking the thinnest line here. I’m trying to help you. You have to stop.”
I shuffle back as he advances a step. “Absolutely not. I’m not dropping out.”
Knox sighs and runs a hand through his hair before he begins pacing.
“Why do you care?” I add. “Just marry Winter instead and forget about me. It’s what you want.”
That stops Knox in his tracks. “Winter?”
“Yeah. I’m pledging to Aria. You need to marry someone from Fiama.”
He shakes his head. “No. Winter . . . What? Who gave you that idea?”
“My father said . . .”
He holds up his hands. “No, this is what I wanted to talk to you about.” A group of people appears at the end of the hall and passes us, casting sly looks in our direction.
Knox sighs and reaches for my hand. “Can we not do this out here?”
I check the time and nod before he pulls me into a classroom. I’ll be late, but I don’t think I can avoid this any longer.
He closes the door and spins around to face me.
“Both our fathers are willing to take you back if you publicly denounce Aria and say you made a mistake,” Knox says.
“We can still have everything we planned. I know you had a . . . moment or something but, Poet, you belong with Fiama. You know that. I know that. Skies, everyone knows that, and they’re willing to overlook this little tantrum.
We can put it behind us, and everything can return to normal. ”
While Knox speaks, my entire body goes numb, my fingers and toes tingling. I don’t know why he’s clinging to this . . . to us so tightly, but I need to shut it down.
“Listen,” Knox says, coming closer. He takes my hand and gently places it over his heart, the warmth of his skin seeping through his T-shirt.
It’s the most intimate touch we’ve experienced in a long time, but I feel nothing.
If anything, it repulses me. “If I can convince Grady to let you continue cadet training, you’ll do this, okay?
I guess you won’t let it go. I know you miss Raine, but—”
“This isn’t about Raine,” I say, my hand closing into a fist. “This is what I want. What I’ve always wanted.”
Knox exhales a sharp breath. “Okay, fine. I get it. You want to be a Breaker. If I can get your dad to agree, will you do what they ask?”
It’s a tidy solution. Denouncing Aria costs me nothing. They haven’t earned my loyalty yet. I want my family back, even if they’re less than perfect. Maybe this is the answer.
“What happens after we graduate?” I ask, and Knox blinks.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, I spend three years training, and then what? Will you ‘let’ me join the Guard? Or do I join the other Society wives like you all expect?”
His gaze shifts. It’s obvious he hasn’t thought that far.
“We can discuss that when the time comes,” he answers.
“No. That isn’t good enough.”
“Poet, be reasonable. I can’t be the scion of Fiama while my wife is risking her life on a Storm Tower every night. That isn’t the life meant for you.”
My momentary flare of hope deflates.
“That’s what I thought,” I say. “I’m pledging to Aria, Knox. I will become a Storm Breaker, and I will have the life I want.”
“What about your family?” he asks, his voice rising. “What about your position? Your friends! What about us?”
“Us? Are you kidding me? There is no ‘us’!”
“Poet—”
“No. How dare you suggest that we are anything when you walk around giving attention to every girl who crosses your path? You’ve humiliated me so many times, I’ve lost count. I’m a laughingstock!”
I can feel the tears welling, but I refuse to cry in front of Knox ever again. I refuse to give him that power over me anymore. Besides, I’ve had enough of this conversation. I heft my bag onto my shoulder and brush past him.
“Poet—”
I spin around. “I am not pledging to Fiama. I am not marrying you. This is over. Tell my father if he wants to have a discussion about this, then he’s welcome to actually speak to me himself.”
I wrench the door open with so much force that I almost fall over.
“Wait, please—” Knox says, and I stop to look at him.
“I loved you once,” I whisper. “I thought we’d be happy together. I wanted all of this for us, too, but you’ve broken my heart too many times.”
Knox doesn’t answer as I leave the room and close the door behind me . . . and on us.
Forever.