Chapter 19 #3
“He was my friend...” Apparently, I can’t do much more than state the obvious right now, my vision blurring as I tear up. Then, since I’m a glutton for punishment, I ask the other question that scares me. “How... How many people did I kill?”
He hesitates to answer. “David, I am not sure—”
“Please. Just tell me.” It’s hard to not let my voice crack. “I can still see it. I can hear the screams. I can still smell it. So much blood... Don’t... Don’t make me try to count it on my own. Please.”
“...Eleven,” he finally tells me.
“Fuck.” The wind is knocked out of me again. I knew that I would probably kill someone someday, but never so many, not all at once. Not like this.
“David, you were not in control—”
“Except I told you that I was.” I can’t even look at him.
“I remember all of it. I remember feeling angry. So angry. That they had hurt you, that they had tried to kill Nylan. For everything. Even after I stopped them, when Glasha and Ragnar were trying to talk to me, I couldn’t turn it off.
It was like I couldn’t hear them. All I could think was that I needed to protect you, and they were in my way, and if they wouldn’t move, I—”
“Ah!” Khazak pulls his hand out of mine with a hiss after I squeeze too hard.
“I’m sorry.” I pull away from him entirely. What is wrong with me?
“It is alright.” He quickly retakes my hand, pulling me back into his space. “Even if you were aware of what was happening, something else was still the cause of your actions.”
The mention of something else draws my attention back to the deadly weapon in the corner of the room. “Why is that thing here?” I point.
“After I spoke with the council, it was decided that given it’s relation to the events, the sword should go with you.” Khazak nods at the sword in question. “It is now yours.”
“I don’t want it.” Even looking at it makes me uncomfortable.
“I understand why you feel distressed with its presence.” He offers me a sad smile. “But it is without a doubt connected to whatever happened to you in the temple. It could be the key to solving it. You do not have to use it, but you do need to take it with you.”
I know he’s right, but I don’t want him to be. I don’t ever wanna see that thing again. “Do you think I could just be alone for a little while?”
“Of course.” I expect a flash of hurt to cross his face, but there’s just understanding.
“I am going to go find you some food. I will be back a little later. Please, try not to wallow or allow yourself to feel guilty about this. Despite how terrible your actions might seem, they still saved us. If you had not been there, Nylan and Ragnar might be dead. We all could be.” With a final hand squeeze, he stands, puts his chair back against the wall, and exits the room.
I know he said not to, but as soon as I’m alone, I spend the first twenty or so minutes wallowing.
I just can’t stop thinking about it, no matter how hard I try.
Getting attacked at the camp, running through the forest at night, the “interrogation” in the temple.
.. I can feel the anger starting to rise up in me again, and I have to take a few deep breaths to calm down.
When the flashes of violence start popping in, I wish I had something to distract me.
The doctor comes back in at some point to run some tests: heart rate, breathing, that sort of thing.
Just making sure I’m still healthy. About an hour after he left, Khazak returns with food and Nylan, who it turns out is impossible to feel sad around.
He spends lunch distracting me with horror stories from work, followed by reading me some of his favorite and most ridiculous romance novel passages.
During the rest of the afternoon, my other friends pop in and out, and the doctor runs her tests again until finally, just before sunset, she lets me go home.
We end up grabbing dinner with my friends at Rurig’s restaurant, Bauzi’kro, before going home.
Rurig isn’t working tonight, but the food’s still great.
It’s actually nice to just sit down and have a meal with my friends, something I didn’t realize I would miss.
I forget about my problems for a little while and just laugh and joke around.
Before we leave, we make plans to meet up in the afternoon tomorrow for one last round of shopping before we leave the next morning.
You’d think that after spending almost five full days asleep, I’d be full of energy, but after dinner, all I want to do is go home.
I feel drained, and on top of that, not terribly sexy, but seeing as we only have maybe 36 hours left, I feel bad asking Khazak if he’d just read to me while we sit on the couch together.
He doesn’t look disappointed if he was hoping for more, and as he recounts the tale of Khazak Steelrun to me, I nod off against his chest.
A public funeral is held the following morning for Orim, Wu’dag, and the other victims of the Order’s attacks.
It’s a somber affair, a small procession of rangers followed by High Priest Bhok leading a prayer.
I don’t bother trying to hold in my tears.
All I can think about is how my friend should still be here.
That and how much I’m going to enjoy hunting down Redwish and making him pay for this.
After the funeral, Orim’s family is holding a trakul, which is basically a wake, but more cheerful.
People are still crying, but it’s accompanied with smiles and laughter as everyone shares stories from Orim’s life.
I learn about the first time he went fishing from his father (he tripped and fell in the river), how afraid he was of horses when he was little from his mother (he would literally hide under her skirt when they got too close), and his terrible first date as a teenager from his older brother (he thought he was stood up, but he was at the wrong restaurant).
Even translated, hearing these stories makes me smile.
They also make me sad that he didn’t get the chance to tell me any of them himself. That he won’t get to make anymore.
I have a few hours before I need to meet my friends, so we head home around noon.
I’m full from all the food they had at the wake, so all I really wanna do is relax.
I don’t say this, but I also want to get in as much alone time with Khazak as I can.
This is our last day and night together.
When I ask if he’ll read to me more, he just smiles and pulls me into him on the couch.
I find myself trying to memorize the sound of his voice, afraid it will be the last I hear it.
Eventually, it’s time to go, and with a frown, I get dressed so I can meet with my friends.
I eye the sword—the Harpe is what I called it during my rampage—sitting in the corner of the room with hesitation.
I really wish I didn’t have to bring that thing, but Khazak’s right, it’s definitely connected to all this.
I bring my shortsword, so I can find a second one that will balance with it well, but I’m happy to leave this one here for now.
Before I meet my friends in the marketplace, there’s one stop we need to make: Brull.
It’s not that I don’t want the man around my team, it’s that I don’t want my team aware of Brull’s shop or what he sells.
The door to the store is open when Khazak and I get there, only a single customer inside browsing.
When Brull sees us enter, he walks around the counter and hugs me hard enough to lift me off the ground.
“I am gonna miss you, pup,” the orc tells me while squeezing the life out of me.
“I’ll miss you too, sir,” I reply when I can breathe again.
“I believe this is yours.” He pushes a small cloth bag into my hand, and when I open it, I am greeted with the sight of the puppy tail plug I wore on stage.
“Thank you, sir.” I blush as I squeeze the small bag into my pocket. I’ll have to make sure I hide that really well. I’m not sure I could bring myself to get rid of it.
“You better come back to visit.” He pokes me in the chest. “At least for the next festival.”
“I will. I promise.” I nod. I’m going to try, at least.
There’s some small talk after that, but I know I’m just stalling, so I finally say my goodbyes. Just as I turn to leave, expecting Khazak to follow, he stops me.
“I think you should go and meet with your friends alone.” He gives me a sad smile. “You will be preparing for your journey, and I would only get in the way. Besides, you likely want to start getting back into the mindset of being a team, right?”
“Yeah, right.” I try not to sound disappointed at his dismissal.
“I will see you afterward at my parents’, alright?” He steps close and runs his hand through my hair.
“I’ll see you there, Sir.” Fuck, I’m even gonna miss calling him “Sir.”
I find my friends in the marketplace easily enough, the group of humans sticking out like a sore thumb.
Everyone’s happy to see me, and unlike some of the rangers, they don’t seem scared.
They all look the same as yesterday, except for Liss who has gotten a haircut.
Rather than redyeing her hair black, she seems to have had all of it cut off, leaving her with a head of short red hair styled almost like mine.
“Alright, first I want to make sure we’re all clear on what we’re doing.
” Adam is the responsible one, as always.
“Five days ago, David was killed and then resurrected through an ancient magical ritual. The only two places we know with information on that ritual are Pákannon, which is a five-day walk north-northeast, and Manamequohi, which is a two-week hike from there. I say we hit both places and gather all the info we can. Any objections?”
“Nope!”
“No.”
“Nah.”