25. Ozrik
Ozrik
An hour passed. Two. I heard nothing from next door and was fast giving up hope. I was disappointed but not surprised. Gale’s inner struggles weren’t hidden. The man seemed barely capable of accepting his sexuality, never mind acting on it.
Filling time, I reluctantly texted my mother to let her know I was alive. Despite the late hour, Stella was in a state of worry. Guilt sucker punched me. We texted for forty minutes, and I played the dutiful son, reassuring her, placating her, and promising to spend time at home once I returned.
I ran out of steam shortly after two in the morning. When I expressed how tired I was, she gladly let me go, reminding me how not sleeping enough could negatively impact my health.
Stella was hard to love, but she was my mother. Regardless of what happened with the show, I had to convince her to get help. Abandoning her wasn’t the answer, but I couldn’t live like this much longer.
During the time I was occupied with my mother, I hadn’t heard a thing from the neighboring room.
Gale wasn’t coming.
Admitting defeat, I stared at the ceiling as the city noise lulled me to sleep. A short time later, a noise roused me, and I opened my eyes to find someone standing at the end of the bed. I startled with a shout and scrambled upright, not slotting the pieces together fast enough.
“Jesus fuck.” I clutched my chest. “Why are you just standing there? That’s creepy as shit.”
“I’m sorry.” Gale backed up a step. “You were asleep and… I didn’t mean to wake you.”
As my heart calmed, I collapsed against the pillows and scrubbed my face with a groan. “What time is it?”
Gale didn’t answer, and I sensed more than saw him retreat another step. I rolled to my side and grabbed my phone. Three forty-two.
He was nearly at the door.
“Where are you going? Aren’t you staying?”
“I… I don’t know. You’re upset. I shouldn’t have come.”
“Gale, I invited you. I’m not upset. You scared the shit out of me.” I shuffled over and drew back the covers. “You made it this far. Come lie down.”
He didn’t move, and maybe it was a big ask for a guy who had never experimented past kissing.
“Maybe I should go.”
“Nothing will happen if you don’t want it to. I promise. Please lie down.”
He stalled for a full minute as though undecided, then shuffled to the bed and joined me.
We lay facing one another, a small distance separating us, the covers drawn to our waist. Gale wore sleep pants and a tee, but I wore nothing but boxer briefs.
It didn’t dawn on me until that exact moment how it might look. At least I wasn’t naked.
With the window at his back, the faint light it provided cast a deep shadow over his face, leaving his features and expressions hard to read. Regardless, I knew he was wretchedly uncomfortable. Fretting.
“I didn’t think you were coming.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. It’s a big deal. I get it. You’re allowed to think about it.”
He nodded.
“You’re allowed to change your mind, too.”
“It’s… I’ve never…”
“I know. You told me.”
He winced, and I imagine a crimson bloom filling his cheeks.
“You don’t have to be embarrassed.”
He huffed. “Easier said than done.”
“Did you get some good pictures today?”
“I think so. I took four rolls. I’ll develop them when I get home. I have an idea for a magazine article I want to submit. It’ll be good.”
“Oh? What’s the theme? Wait. Let me guess. Tornadoes.”
He chuckled. “Nothing gets past you. It’s… tornado adjacent. I’m not ready to reveal it yet. It might not work out.”
“I’d love to see it when it’s done. If I’m allowed.”
“Maybe. It might suck.”
“I doubt that.”
I moved a hand to his hip, intent on encouraging him closer, but he tensed.
I withdrew. “No touching?”
“G-give me a minute.”
“Okay.” I reminded myself that Gale wasn’t a typical hookup. He might have shown up, but he’d also been skittish about crossing lines.
“I’m not saying no,” he continued.
“You’re allowed to.” The point seemed to require reiteration.
“I know. I… I like it when you touch me. A lot. I… want to tell you something first.”
“I’m all ears. Can I touch you while you tell me if I promise to keep it PG-13?”
His nod was barely perceptible in the dark.
Cautiously, I brushed a finger under the hem of his T-shirt, glancing them over the warm skin beneath. “It’s hard to be this close and not touch you. Is this okay?”
Gale didn’t say yes, but he didn’t pull away or tell me to stop. He closed his eyes, and for a few minutes, I brushed the same spot, savoring the silky hair on the small patch of skin between his navel and the top of his sleep pants. His stomach quivered with each pass.
When he seemed comfortable, I moved my entire hand under his shirt. I smoothed it around to his back, tracing the dips and curves of his spine while listening to the unevenness of his breathing.
He lay so still and quiet, I wasn’t sure what to think.
“Gale,” I sing-songed. “I thought you wanted to talk.”
“I don’t think I can with you touching me. It scrambles my brain.”
“Do you want me to stop?”
“No… Maybe. No. Ack, I don’t know.” He whined.
I chuckled and took pity, removing my hand and feathering my knuckles over his cheek instead. “Talk. I’ll keep my hands to myself.”
“You must think I’m pathetic.”
“Not at all. Your innocence is fucking arousing.”
“That’s not a compliment.”
“Why not?”
He squirmed, and his tone grew serious. “Are you messing with me? Am I a conquest or something? Did someone put you up to this?”
“What?”
“Why am I here, Ozrik? Why are you even… paying attention to me?”
I propped myself on an elbow and peered at Gale in the dark, wishing I could see him better. “Where is this coming from? What are you talking about?”
“My innocence arouses you. I don’t know if this is real or a sick game.”
“I shouldn’t have said that. Gale—”
“I’m not your type. It makes no sense, unless you’re—”
“What are you talking about? My type? Are you serious?”
“Yes. You go for more outgoing people. Popular. Experienced… Out.”
“How the fuck do you know what type of people I go for? You don’t know me.”
Gale shrank under the harsher tone.
It was pissing me off that I couldn’t see his face or read his expression. I leaned over to turn on a light, but he grabbed my arm.
“No. Please don’t. It’s easier in the dark.”
Frustrated, I lay down, but I couldn’t erase the scowl. “I’m not judging you. Why are you judging me?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing. Where is this coming from? Have I given you any reason to believe I’m faking this? Why would I do that? And why do I care if you’re experienced or popular? This isn’t high school.”
Waves of apprehension rolled off him. I wanted to reach out but feared crossing some invisible line. This night was not unfolding how I hoped. Between exhaustion and confusion, I was bound to say the wrong thing, so I remained quiet.
Gale stared at the mattress between us for a long time before his tentative voice penetrated the room. “I have to tell you why I left the seminary.”
I sensed this was a truth he didn’t usually share. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”
“I do. I want you to understand my reservation.”
Curiosity got the better of me, so I lay quiet and listened.
“I was pretty messed up after my mom died. Her death wasn’t sudden.
We knew it was going to happen, but still.
You can’t prepare for something like that.
I was ten and needed my mother more than I could express.
Olivia managed better, but she’s always been stronger than me.
I got swallowed by grief. No one knew what to do with this broken kid.
School was hell. I was at that age when boys recognize their masculinity and crucify anyone who goes against the gender expectations.
It was also around that time that I figured out I was gay. ”
Gale paused, and I imagined he was gathering his thoughts. When he fidgeted with the blankets, I sought his hand. He let me hold it.
“I didn’t fit in at school. Never had. The other boys saw me as different. Weak. Even when I tried so hard to be exactly like them. After my mother died, I cried all the time, and boys aren’t supposed to cry.”
“Bullshit.”
“Any ten-year-old will tell you that. I cried over everything. It would have been better if I was angry and violent, but that wasn’t me.
I was too soft, I guess. My emotions were out of control, and I didn’t know how to fix them.
It gave the kids one more reason to tease me.
I fell victim to their verbal and emotional abuse.
The more the teachers intervened, the worse it got when they weren’t looking.
Olivia used to get mad at me for letting it happen, but I didn’t know how to stop it.
It felt like a bomb had gone off inside me, and I was missing too many pieces to ever be whole again. ”
“Where was your dad in all this? Didn’t he help?”
“He tried. The first summer after my mom passed, he sent me to my aunt’s in Arkansas. I think he hoped the change of scenery and a motherly figure might help. You have to remember, my dad was in a bad way. He’d lost his wife and the mother of his children. He didn’t know what to do with me.
“That summer, my aunt brought me to church every Sunday. Told me my mother was with God in heaven. Said she would be there for me when my time came. That she watched over me. My family was never religious, but I found peace and comfort for the first time in months. I was no longer alone. God was with me. I clung to that. My religious journey began that summer. I joined Bible school when I got home. When I requested it, my dad happily took me to church every Sunday.”
Gale met my gaze in the dark. “Do you believe in God?”
“I don’t know. It’s always been a complicated thing with me.”
Gale nodded as though that was what he expected.
“Is it a deal breaker?”
“No. Not at all.”
“When did you decide you wanted to join the seminary?”