Chapter 15
Goldie
Lily cries softly from her crib. Without Davis, Dad, Aunt Lydia, or Colton to help, it’s been almost six weeks of sleeping in two to three-hour spurts, and after everything that happened with Dad and Mrs. Fitzroy, I feel like an emotionally and physically fried zombie. I don’t know how much longer I can hold onto my sanity.
I roll over to check the time on my phone, which is plugged in and charging on the nightstand. Thirty minutes . It’s only been thirty minutes since I finally fell asleep after agonizing over what I should do long after Lily drifted off. I decided not to call the cops and report what happened because I had the terrifying thought that if Mrs. Fitzroy somehow does have the legal right to take Lily as she claimed, I don’t want to rush the process by getting the police involved before I talk to a lawyer.
I sit up, swing my legs over the left side of the bed, and stumble over the balled-up bed sheets I’ve left in a pile on the floor that need to go in the wash after Lily’s blowout diaper in bed a few days ago. I’ll get to it at some point. When I have a little more energy. If that ever happens.
“I’ve got her.”
I scream bloody murder at the unexpected male voice coming from the huge silhouette standing in the open bedroom doorway. I lunge for the crib to snatch Lily up, blood pounding in my ears as my adrenaline spikes to an all-time high. I trip over the hamper of clean clothes when I turn back toward my nightstand and have to twist, slamming my back against the dresser to avoid crashing into it face-first with Lily in my arms.
“Shit, baby! Are you ok?”
I scream again when the male figure rushes me, and I dodge to the right just in time to pull the gun I stole from my attacker all those weeks ago out of the nightstand drawer and flick the safety off. I found the gun Davis had shoved in the Ford’s glove box, and I’ve had five weeks of practice shooting soda cans in the yard under my belt. Can’t be too careful as a woman living alone.
It’s even more imperative that I stay on my guard with the threat of Colton’s mom coming after me for custody of Lily. I wouldn’t put it past her to hire someone I wouldn’t be able to fight off as easily as I did the tiny bitch after her plan failed at the restaurant.
I have no idea how this asshole got past the house alarm without setting it off, but he’s not going to get past me. “I’ve got a gun and know how to use it!” I yell above Lily’s crying as I level it at the man’s chest, squeezing myself into the corner.
The man throws his arms in the air and backs away toward the bedroom door. “Goldie, it’s me, honey.”
My head and heart are pounding too hard to focus on anything other than protecting Lily. “I don’t care who you are! Get out of my house!”
“Goldie,” he tries again and then flicks on the overhead light, momentarily blinding me. Had he rushed me again, I’m certain I would have blown a hole through his chest. Instead, he stands still as a statue, both arms back in the air as I take him in. Disheveled, thinner than he was last time I saw him, ball cap pulled low over his overgrown hair, with bags under his eyes.
“Davis?” I carefully flick the safety back on and set the gun down in the drawer before collapsing to my knees on the carpet with Lily held tight to my chest. I cry through the terror and adrenaline still coursing through my veins. Cry through the relief that he’s not a burglar or kidnapper or worse. Cry through the sleep deprivation that leaves me feeling more like a shell of myself than a real person.
Davis crashes to his knees in front of me and wraps his arms around my back, pulling us into his large body. “Yeah, baby, it’s me. I’m sorry I scared you.”
We’ve only spoken twice on the phone, and I’ve missed his voice. I’ve missed him more than I even realized.
“Davis.” His name on my lips is one of longing. I sink into him, breathing in his comforting, masculine scent. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming home?”
He kisses the crown of my head. I should probably push him away, but I’m overwhelmed at seeing him, of being held by him, and it nearly knocks the breath out of my lungs. I’ve tried so hard to be strong, but god , all I want is to let him hold me for the rest of my life. Hold all my pieces together and tell me I don’t have to be alone anymore. Do everything by myself or face Colton’s unhinged mother on my own.
“I tried to, baby, but you never picked up after I got service again. You scared the hell out of me. I didn’t know where you were.” I must have had my phone on silent.
Davis stands with me and Lily in his arms and settles onto the edge of the bed with us on his lap. I curl into him and push my face into his neck, holding Lily between us with one arm and circling his shoulders with the other, slipping my hand into the soft hair at his nape. I allow him to wrap his arms tighter around us until I can’t cry any more tears. Lily settles, just as comforted by his presence as I am. I even let him tip my chin up and kiss me once on the lips, and when he pulls back a fraction, I tighten my grip in his hair to extend the kiss. God , I’ve missed that too.
I part my lips for his tongue and feel his cock swell beneath my ass. I squirm, trying to get closer, and moan as I slant my head to the side to deepen the kiss. One of his hands drifts to my ass, and he squeezes my cheek. Hard.
That’s what snaps me back to reality. Memories of the morning Davis left and his regret at being with me take hold. It’s precisely because I want to continue sinking into the solid heat of him that I force myself to slide off his lap and step away.
Davis reluctantly drops his arms and sighs, takes off his ball cap to run his hands through his thick strands, then drags his palms down his face with his beard having grown out. He somehow looks as worn out and fried as I do, even though he hasn’t been up with a newborn at all hours of the night.
I look away from the intensity of his green gaze as I lay Lily on the white diaper-changing dresser Davis also bought, which I have arranged next to her crib. With a flat voice, as I clean her up and put on a fresh diaper, I tell Davis over my shoulder, “Your new bed was delivered last week. I didn’t put sheets on it yet since I didn’t know exactly when you would be home.” I didn’t know if he even planned on coming back—if the texts he sent about being delayed due to the weather were a lie.
“We need to talk about what we’re going to do with your dad and Colton’s mother,” he says.
“Not tonight. We can talk in the morning.” I zip Lily back into her purple sleep sack and kiss her forehead.
“This can’t wait, Goldie.”
“It’s Marigold , and I said not tonight,” I snap without looking at him. I pick my way to the right side of the bed, closest to the bathroom door, and slide under the comforter to sit with my back against the headboard. The mattress shifts as he stands, and figuring he’s going to leave, I lift my shirt so Lily can nurse.
I wince and suck in a pained breath when she latches onto my left breast, then jolt and look up when Davis says, “What was that? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
Davis frowns, kicks off his cowboy boots, and climbs onto the bed to sit by my side in his dark jeans and solid caramel brown button-down. He slides his fingers over Lily’s curly wisps of hair. “I can’t believe how big she’s gotten.” There’s a quiver to his tone, and when we make eye contact, his are shiny with unshed tears. “I’ve missed so much.”
“Yeah. That tends to happen when people leave for weeks at a time. Babies grow up. Life goes on without them. Just ask my dad.” I sound bitter and feel ugly inside, but some of the tension I’ve been shouldering lifts as soon as I say it.
Davis sounds defeated when he says, “That’s not fair. It’s my job. I had to leave.”
I drop my head back when I see the wounded look on his handsome face that I wish I didn’t still find so attractive. “I’m sorry. I know it’s your job. And I know I don’t have any right to be upset.”
I feel so stupid getting upset when he’s been so generous in letting us stay here rent-free, paying for our groceries and diapers. We have heat and water, a roof over our heads, and warm beds, and I didn’t have to do a thing to earn any of it.
Davis leans back, too, thumping his head against the headboard. “Maybe you do—have the right, I mean. After the way I left.” He sighs.
“I just don’t understand why. We could have talked about what happened, but you shut me out. Ran away and only texted to yell at me and tell me what to do. Why?” I hate how my voice cracks at the end of it. So small and weak.
“You know why,” he says quietly, tugging his top out of his waistband and unbuttoning it from the top down. “You should hate me.”
“I don’t hate you. I’m royally pissed off, but I don’t think I could ever hate you,” I admit, though I wish I did. I’m tired of giving the benefit of the doubt to those who have left me behind. I’ve had enough of that to last me a lifetime.
After a beat of silence, Davis releases a long sigh. He shrugs his top off and throws it over the side of the bed, though he leaves his white undershirt on. “Why didn’t you call the cops on me? I kept waiting for them to show up,” he whispers. “Almost hoped they would.”
“I would never do that to you.”
“Why the hell not? I was the monster who…Jesus, Goldie, I raped you,” he says with a raspy voice barely louder than a whisper. “And I’m so goddamned sorry. No one would blame you for using that gun on me if you told them the truth.”
My brows shoot up, and I gape at him. “That wasn’t rape!”
He slides a hand through his hair, gripping the strands like he wants to tear them out. “Yes, it was!” He hangs his head and clenches his eyes shut. “You were asleep. You couldn’t consent. And there I was, hard and humping between your legs, and I woke up inside you. It was only an inch or two—as if that makes it any better,” he says, interrupting himself with a scoff. He twists and palms my cheek, pleading with glassy, fearful eyes, “Please believe me when I tell you I didn’t mean to…that I was horrified by what I’d done to you.”
My chest tightens at the pain in his eyes. “For god’s sake, Davis, I might have been the one who initiated it.”
Davis drops his hand, his jaw going slack for a second before his brows crash together. “I confess to raping you, and you try to take responsibility for it? What the fuck, Goldie?”
Since he’s so hell-bent on believing the worst about himself, I say, “Alright, so let’s pretend it was all your fault. That means you shut me out for nearly five weeks, making me feel like a whore that you were done using, all because you had morning wood ? Are you serious?” I want to throat-punch him repeatedly, but with Lily in my arms, I can’t do that. Yet .
“A whore? I made you—fuck, fuck!” Pushing that aside for now, he says, “It was more than just morning wood! I could have seriously hurt you, and I was scared to death you’d get some kind of infection.”
“But you didn’t—I didn’t! You hurt me more by trying to sneak out. What is wrong with you?”
Davis slaps a hand to his cheek and pulls it down his face. “I’m sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing by leaving before I could hurt you again.”
“Yeah, well, walking away is never the ‘right thing’, you big fucking oaf. Next time, just talk to me about it like an adult instead of freezing me out.”
“There won’t be a next time,” he says stubbornly, clenching his jaw hard enough to make the muscles in his cheeks ripple.
I huff and roll my eyes. “Oh, so you’re telling me that you’re never going to wake up with morning wood again?”
“Well…no. I can’t promise that. But I have my own bed now,” Davis reminds me. “So I won’t get the chance to…” He waves his hand around, leaving the rest of his sentence unfinished.
My heart squeezes in my chest at the thought of him never accidentally falling asleep in here again. “This is so stupid,” I say too loudly, startling Lily, who pops off my breast with a cry. I guide her mouth back and say, “I mean, I’m glad you stopped since I’d just given birth, but it’s not like I’ve never had sleepy morning sex. Sometimes it’s even better that way.”
“Don’t talk about having sex with other men,” he growls and slides his hand under the comforter to grip my bare thigh.
I had kicked off my sweatpants before going to bed tonight, and the heat of his touch makes my belly flutter with need. It’s strikingly obvious how starved for affection I am, even if I’m getting angrier by the second.
I glare at him. “Oh, please. I’m not the Virgin Mary. Lily wasn’t created through immaculate conception. I’ve had plenty of sex with—”
Davis shifts his hand up higher, flexing his fingers. “Do not finish that sentence.”
My belly dips, and my eyelashes flutter. It feels so, so good to feel him touch me, caress my skin with his rough thumb that has goosebumps rising along my arms with pleasure, like the chills I get when listening to certain songs.
“Why? I’m sure you’ve had sex with a ton of women over the years.” I frown at the thought and push my leg a fraction closer to him.
“I don’t want to think about other women, either.”
“This is so stupid,” I repeat. “I’m an adult. You’re an adult. We’ve both had sex—a lot of it. It’s not a big deal. So why do you care?”
“I just do,” he says gruffly.
I’m too exhausted to continue arguing, so I simply close my eyes and say, “Fine.”
We sit in silence afterward, listening to Lily’s sweet sounds as she nurses, though it’s taking her longer than usual. My eyes snap open when she pops off and cries again. I press the heel of my palm against the top of my breast and drag it down, hissing as I try to work out the blocked duct, knowing Lily isn’t getting as much milk as she needs. When that doesn’t work, I pull up the rest of my shirt and tuck it under my armpit before switching Lily to my other side.
Davis twists and leans forward, pointing to my breast as I continue to knead it. “What’s going on? Why is it all red like that?”
I should probably feel embarrassed at the way I’m groping my bare breast with Davis sitting just inches away, but I’m in too much pain to be concerned about modesty. And it’s not like he hasn’t seen my breasts before, though not quite like this.
“I have a blocked duct. If I can’t get it worked out soon, I’m scared it’s going to turn into mastitis, and I’ll have to go to urgent care or the ER.” He knows I don’t have health insurance, and I’m dreading the hospital bills that I’m sure are already rolling in. I’ll have to figure out how to get them from Dad since I put his address down when I was filling out my paperwork.
“What can I do to help? Do you need me to get something from the store?”
“No, that’s ok. I read online that pumping and nursing should help, but it hasn’t worked so far.” One of the few extras I allowed myself to purchase was a small, manual breast pump—the cheapest I could find at Walmart. “Hot water might, but…” Ok, now I’m embarrassed. I subtly try to sniff my armpits. It’s been a few days since I’ve taken a shower, and I’m not even sure there are any clean towels to dry off with.
Davis pulls off his T-shirt and plucks Lily from my hold when she finishes nursing. “Go take a shower. I’ve got her.” He slides lower on the bed and lays Lily on his bare chest, rubbing and lightly thumping her back to burp her.
I want to ask him if he’s sure, but in truth, I don’t want to give him the option of backing out if he’s too tired and having second thoughts. I bounce out of bed without a word and rifle through the laundry hamper in search of a clean towel.
“Damn, baby,” he groans.
Thankfully, I find one lone towel at the bottom of the hamper and straighten to find Davis biting his fist. His hooded eyes dart up to my face, then back down again to my… oh shit . I hadn’t pulled my shirt down yet after feeding Lily, so my girls are swinging free, one red from where I was rubbing it and the other deflated like a pancake.
I cringe and yank my shirt down, covering my breasts and my plain panties, thankfully having been able to move on from the hospital-provided maternity panties that had fit more like a diaper. “Sorry.”
Davis grunts, and I rush to the bathroom, my stomach in knots when I turn on the shower and step under the warm water. I keep turning the heat up and up and up as I arch my back under the spray to direct it over my left breast and increase the pressure as I push the heel of my hand down the slope toward my nipple, but the blockage is barely budging, and it hurts like a bitch.
Feeling lightheaded from the heat and defeat, I climb out after washing my hair and giving my body a good scrub and, ridiculously, a shave. It’s the first time I’ve shaved since giving birth, and my leg hair was already long before then since I couldn’t reach everything with my pregnant belly in the way. I feel silly. Silly for being self-conscious about my body hair, especially my pubic hair, which I’ve tidied for the first time in six months.
After drying off, I barely drag a brush through my hair a handful of times before giving up and plopping it on my head, wrapped in the damp towel. It’s never going to dry this way, but it’s at the end of the short list of things I care about.
When I exit the bathroom, I’m surprised to find Davis sitting on the edge of the bed in the dark, though he’s changed out of his jeans into a pair of navy blue sweatpants. He puts a finger to his lips, then points to the crib, where Lily is once again asleep. He stands and motions for me to get into bed, and I flick off the bathroom light, then climb in when he pulls back the corner of the comforter.
Davis leans over me after tucking me in like a small child and kisses my forehead unexpectedly. It’s such a sweet thing to do. He leaves the room without saying a word, which makes my heart stupidly sink, but he returns with two bottled waters and a couple of peanut butter granola bars from the pantry. He waits expectantly as I chew one of the bars and chug half of a water bottle, then places everything on the nightstand within reach.
“Yell for me if you need anything,” he whispers before straightening.
Impulsively, I reach for him and grip his wrist. I feel exposed and intensely vulnerable when I whisper, “Stay. Just for tonight. Please.”
He pauses. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
Though I’m not sure it’s a good idea either, I’m greedy for more of his affection. Just one night won’t hurt, and then he can start sleeping in his own bed. “Please?”
I smile to myself when he gets in bed on the other side next to me. Besides not feeling so alone, an added bonus is that, hopefully, he’ll be up for helping out when Lily wakes up again, and I’ll get a few more hours of blessed sleep. He doesn’t touch me, though my body foolishly yearns for it, but it’ll have to be enough just to have him close instead of being separated by a bunch of walls and doors, amplifying my loneliness.
Already half asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, I peek through slitted eyes when there’s a flash of light to find Davis looking at his cell phone. He darkens the screen, drops the phone on the nightstand, pulls the comforter down, and starts dragging my T-shirt up my torso.
Though I don’t try to stop him, I mumble, “What are you doing?”
Davis props himself up on an elbow, leaning over me. “I did some googling.”
My breath stutters when he works my shirt up to my neck, and I arch my back slightly, pushing toward him, anticipation thrumming in my veins. “You and your googling,” I tease.
“Mmhmm.” He caresses my affected breast with the tips of his fingers.
“And what did Google say?” I squeeze my thighs together, releasing a breathy moan. I wonder if he can tell how fast my heart is beating.
“Nursing helps.”
“I already tried that.”
“Might work if I do it. Stronger suction.” I can’t see his face in the dark with the nightlight behind his hovering form, completely shadowing his expression. Can’t see if his eyes are hot with desire like I imagine they are, judging by his husky voice.
“You want to…” I don’t need to finish my sentence because Davis dips his head and licks my nipple. “Oh, that’s…that’s…” I’m tongue-tied, my belly fluttering wildly at how different it feels to have Davis latch onto my nipple and work his tongue along the underside of my breast than when I’m nursing.
I suck in a sharp, pained breath as he intensifies the suction, then again when he presses the heel of his palm to the top of my breast and drags it down like he saw me do earlier. I squirm, and my belly caves in when he starts breathing hard through his nose the longer he tries to nurse the blockage out of my breast.
He yanks his head back and makes an audible gulping sound. “Fuck, baby. I had no idea your milk would taste this good.”
Oh, Jesus , that shouldn’t get me so hot and bothered. He latches onto my breast again, and I bite back a whimper when he presses his pelvis against my thigh, his dick a solid rod in his sweatpants.
Davis
I wish Goldie had left the bathroom light on so I could see her every expression when she slips her fingers into my hair and arches her back when I pull and pull and pull on her tit until her breast milk, which had been a trickle, releases and floods my mouth, sliding down my throat as I gulp it down to keep from choking.
“Davis, oh god, yes.” Whether she knows it or not, she’s pulled me further on top of her and spread her legs. I pull a knee up to drape it over her leg so I can hump her thigh in earnest, wishing I had taken my sweatpants off so I could feel her silky skin.
No longer needing to knead her breast, I slip my hand down her stomach and between her legs to rub firm circles over her clit through her panties with my middle finger. I had no intention of taking things further than relieving her of the pain in her breast, but the minute I got my mouth on her, any resolve I had to keep my distance shattered.
The way she parts her legs wider and rolls her hips as I continue to nurse from her breast has pre-cum wetting my pants. Just as I’m about to slip my hand under her panties so I can touch her bare pussy, she snaps her hips up and cums with a long, high-pitched moan.
Her stream of breast milk slows, and she drops her hips back to the mattress with a long sigh of satisfaction. She untangles her fingers from my hair and taps me on the shoulder in quick succession. “I think the blockage is gone. You can stop now.”
I pop off her delicious tit, wishing there was more milk for me to drink. “Stop?”
“Yeah.” Goldie sighs once again and pushes against my shoulder. “Thank you.” I grind my hard dick against her leg. She pushes me away with more force, and I reluctantly give her a few inches of space. Goldie drags her shirt back down and rolls onto her side, facing away from me, then drags the comforter over her small body up to her chin. “‘Night, Davis.”
I frown, hating that she called me by my name after being so intimate. A beat of silence passes while my cock twitches with need, and then I slide up behind her, find her hip with my hand, and grind my cock against her ass. Goldie moans softly and rolls her hips while I slowly start rocking against her. I reach under her shirt and gently cup her drained breast, so supple now that I’ve relieved her.
I kiss her neck and whisper, “That’s it, baby. Keep rolling your hips just like that. You make Daddy feel so good.”
Goldie jerks forward, lifts my hand, and sets it down behind her after wriggling away closer to the edge of the bed. “ Marigold doesn’t have a Daddy, and Davis can use his own two hands. ‘Night.”
Thoroughly rejected and wanting to carve my own heart out when she stressed both her name and mine, I roll onto my back, my angry dick pointing straight up, tenting my pants. If it could speak, it would call me every shitty name under the sun because what right do I have to call myself her Daddy ?
After weeks of using my own hands to get off, I refuse to touch myself now. Simply pressing against Goldie with our clothes on was more pleasurable than any of my furious masturbation sessions to her picture, and if I can’t have her, then I don’t want anything at all.
My cock finally deflates as I count to one hundred, then again, then a third time. I roll toward Goldie, pull her to me in the middle of the bed, and push my knees up behind hers.
Nuzzling my nose in her slightly damp hair at the nape of her neck beneath the towel, I listen to her deep, even breaths. I mumble, “I missed you, baby. I don’t know how I’ll fix everything I broke yet. How I’ll make it all work. But I promise I’ll earn back your trust and the privilege of being your Daddy. I’ll never leave or hurt you again.”