Chapter 9
9
‘Do you go in for dramatic entrances, then?’
Jennifer had to respond to the friendly grins of the Lakeview Hospital staff members with one of her own. The concentration required to drive Guy’s unfamiliar vehicle in the heavy rain as she’d followed a crowded ambulance to the small emergency department of the rural hospital had been a challenge. Especially having to negotiate the ford across a tributary of the Matukituki river that seemed to have become considerably deeper since she and Guy had travelled the other way.
In her relief at ending the journey, she had totally forgotten how disreputable she must look. Her boots were soaked and covered in mud, as were the hems of both her coat and skirt. Her hair hadn’t yet dried from her time chasing the bull in the rain either, and she knew it would be hanging like old string, looking as though it hadn’t been washed for weeks.
Not that it mattered. In fact, the grin from Maggie made Jennifer feel more than welcome.
‘Last time we saw you in here, you were being unloaded from the helicopter after your miracle survival.’
‘And now you’ve come in with a miracle baby,’ Hugh added.
Jennifer smiled at the baby in question, who had just passed his first thorough medical examination with flying colours and been declared fit enough to do without an incubator despite his early arrival. ‘I think he’s the one who made the dramatic entrance.’ She glanced up to where Phil had his arm around Ellie. ‘Has he got a name yet?’
‘Isaac,’ they both answered.
‘And his middle name will be Guy,’ Ellie added drowsily.
Phil grinned. ‘We’d make it Jennifer, but I don’t think it would go down too well at school.’
Guy was releasing the pressure on a blood-pressure cuff on Ellie’s arm. He pulled the stethoscope from his ears. ‘BP’s up to one ten over seventy,’ he reported.
‘Fabulous.’ Hugh nodded. ‘It’s all looking good, folks, so I think the show’s almost over. We’ll get this family tucked up in the ward and make sure they all get a good rest.’
‘You look like you need a rest, too, Jenna,’ Maggie decided. ‘Or at least a shower and a change of clothes. I could give you a lift into town in the ambulance, if you like. Where are you staying?’
‘I’ve only just arrived,’ Jennifer responded a little awkwardly. ‘I haven’t decided where to stay yet.’
She stared at Guy, trying to catch his eye. They needed to talk. Would he allow her back onto his own turf to do that? If he chose somewhere impersonal like a hotel, she would know that any fantasy of him being involved in the future of her and their baby was a pipe dream.
‘Jenna’s rental car is back at my place.’ Guy didn’t look at Jennifer as he spoke. ‘I’ll take care of her.’
The promise in those words lasted only until Jennifer had showered and changed into jeans and a comfortable pullover at Guy’s cottage and they shared a late lunch of soup heated on the coal range served with crusty, thick slices of buttered bread.
The rain had stopped and sunshine was breaking through patchy cloud cover, but the warmth from the open fire was still welcome. The dogs added to the sense of homely peace by stretching luxuriously and groaning in happiness.
Jennifer’s tentative contentment evaporated when Guy broke the seemingly companionable silence in which they’d eaten.
‘I’ll give you any support you need as far as finances and things go, but that’s all I’m prepared to do.’
‘I don’t need your money.’ Jennifer could hear that she wasn’t entirely successful in keeping the sharp disappointment from her tone. ‘I earn enough.’
‘What did you come here for then?’
Her tone hardened. ‘I thought you’d want to know you were going to be a father. I actually thought you might want to have a meaningful place in your child’s life.’
Guy snorted incredulously. ‘You mean you expect me to do the decent thing and marry you? Is that what you came here for?’
Yes , Jennifer cried silently. ‘No, of course not,’ she said aloud.
‘What, then? You think I’m going to up sticks and shift to Auckland so I see my kid every second weekend or so? You know how I feel about living in cities, Jenna. Do you really think that anything would induce me to try that again?’
‘No. It didn’t even occur to me to ask you to move.’
Guy shook his head. ‘Don’t tell me you’re thinking of moving to Central and becoming a rural GP?’
‘Hardly.’
Not that it seemed like a totally undesirable scenario after the excitement and satisfaction of the case they had just attended. Jennifer mirrored Guy’s head shake as she tried to clear the errant thought.
‘I’ve got a job interview tomorrow afternoon for a position of head of department.’ She lifted her chin a fraction. ‘It’s what I’ve always wanted and I’ve worked damn hard to get there.’
‘Good for you,’ Guy said coldly. ‘I’m sure you’ll be successful.’
‘I’ve got a very good chance. It’s certainly not something I’m about to throw away.’
‘And how will that work?’ Guy’s words dripped ice. ‘Raising a child and being head of department in one of the country’s busiest EDs?’
‘I’ll employ a nanny,’ Jennifer snapped back. ‘It’s perfectly manageable… if not ideal.’
‘“Not ideal” is an understatement.’
‘At least he or she will have one parent available.’
‘Part-time,’ Guy said scathingly. ‘Very part-time. Why bother?’
‘Excuse me?’ Jennifer’s jaw dropped. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘You have your life pretty well sorted, don’t you, Jenna?’ Guy picked up her empty soup bowl, stacked it on top of his and stood up abruptly to carry them to the sink. ‘You’ve escaped Hicksville and have a trendy inner-city pad. You’ve climbed the career ladder with admirable alacrity and now you’re lined up for a top job that will leave you very little time for any kind of a family life. A child doesn’t exactly fit in, does it?’
‘I didn’t plan this.’ Jennifer was horrified by the succinct – and unarguable – appraisal of her life. ‘I’ll make it fit in.’
Guy turned on a tap. ‘As I said, why bother?’
‘Because I want this baby, that’s why.’
He spun around to face her. ‘ Do you?’
‘Yes.’ Tension was making the muscles in her jaw ache. Another part of Jennifer ached even more fiercely from the shaft of despair lodging inescapably deeper.
Guy thought she was selfish and shallow enough to be unfit as a mother. And maybe she had been not so long ago, but her life had changed since then. She had changed. Why couldn’t Guy see that? It was because it was his baby she was carrying that the most dramatic change of all had occurred.
‘You don’t need to look at me as though I’m Jack the Ripper.’ Guy spoke calmly as he wiped his hands on a dishcloth. ‘I’m just pointing out that you do have choices.’
‘I’ve made my choice.’ Jennifer couldn’t stand this any longer. Her chair scraped on the flagstones as she stood up. ‘I came here to give you a choice, and it’s pretty obvious what that is.’
‘Wait a minute! Where do you think you’re going?’
‘Out for a walk.’ Jennifer didn’t look back. ‘I’ll be back in an hour. If you still want to get rid of your child – and me – then you’ll only have to say the word.’
‘ Wait! ’
But Jennifer didn’t wait, and the front door closed with a resounding thud behind her.
* * *
An hour.
It wasn’t a long time when he had to choose a route from the most significant crossroads Guy had ever stumbled into. He sat by his fire, his dogs at his feet and his head in his hands.
If he said the word, Jennifer and his unborn baby would disappear from his life. He knew the level of determination… and courage this woman was capable of.
If she chose to raise this child alone then that was exactly what she would do. What was more, she’d make a damned good job of it.
Decency would prompt her to keep in touch, of course. Guy would probably get photographs once or twice a year to mark anniversaries like birthdays or Christmas. The figure getting taller in each imaginary snapshot was frustratingly shadowy. Would they have his dark hair and eyes? Or be fair like Jennifer? A girl or a boy?
Would he get more than photographs? Would he know when this small person smiled for the first time, took its first step or said a real word? Maybe he would receive a wobbly crayon drawing or a copy of a school report eventually.
It would never be enough. Guy thought of the way Phil and Ellie had looked holding their brand-new son, and something squeezed with painful intensity in his chest. He wanted to be able to hold his child. To make sure it knew that he would always be there for it. To take it into the mountains and share the love he had for nature. To share some of the love bottled up inside him that had no recipient.
But… if he chose that other road, he would have more than ongoing contact with his child. He would have to have a relationship of some kind with Jennifer. The memory of how it felt to hold her swamped Guy so easily because it was so familiar, but his fantasies had never included a relationship out of the bedroom. What would she be like to live with? Even in some kind of temporary fashion – like extended visits maybe.
She’d be a challenge, that was for sure. He’d have to be very sure of his ground and prepared to fight to the death if he wanted to win any arguments. But then she’d also be very loyal, and if he – or the child – needed someone fighting in their comer, she’d be the perfect choice.
She was brave, too, and when he’d told her that night that she wasn’t useless or soft, he’d meant it. Jennifer Allen was intelligent and focused and probably deserved the prestigious position she was aiming for. It would take a great deal to stop her reaching a goal. For the first time, Guy really registered the fact that she’d never complained once in that journey they’d made together. She had been scared, hungry, in pain and pushed to the point of physical collapse, but she had just kept going.
Guy found himself smiling. The bad weather and her smart city clothes hadn’t stopped her wading around in the mud to sort out that bull today either. She was quite something, this woman. It was just such a shame that they were so far apart. Chalk and cheese. Loner and socialite. Silence and noise. City and country; wild country, at that.
Releasing a deep breath in a heartfelt sigh, Guy turned his attention back to the present. He had to decide what he was going to say because it had to have been more than an hour since Jennifer had stormed out. A glance at his watch confirmed it was closer to two hours, and his brow creased in a frown.
Had she stuck to the roadside for her walk or headed for the hills? Maybe she wasn’t a complete townie, but she didn’t know this part of the country. She could have got herself lost among the ridges and valleys. She could have slipped on rocky ground, still wet from the morning’s rain, and injured herself. She was pregnant, for heaven’s sake. With his baby!
With another sigh, Guy levered himself to his feet. He’d have to go looking for her and if she wasn’t on the road, there was no point in relying on the comfort of the Toyota.
‘Come on, guys.’ He clicked his fingers unnecessarily to alert the dogs of impending action. ‘Let’s take Charlie out for a run.’
* * *
Jennifer’s feet hadn’t been this wet and cold and uncomfortable since… since she’d trailed after Guy in their walk down the mountain. They weren’t blistered again, thank goodness, but they poked out from the ends of her jeans like two big mud balls.
The despair that had propelled her to take to the hills had made her oblivious to where she’d walked, and even a small stream and ankle-deep mud hadn’t done more than slow her temporarily. Whatever she’d been hoping to find was elusive until fatigue forced her to take a rest. She sat on a slab of rock near another stream and watched several tiny lizards scuttle out of the now warm late afternoon sunshine and disappear down a crack. A pair of rabbits gave her a startled glance before bounding away further uphill, and then it was just Jennifer and the vast surroundings of the Central Otago landscape.
Huge fluffy clouds scudded over the mountains, some with peaks still laden with snow. She could see the expanse of Lake Wanaka in the distance and the closer ribbon of the Matukituki river. Rocky hills flowed in every direction and obscured any sign of human existence like roads or houses.
Idly, Jennifer began picking the buttercups growing beside her as she sat and absorbed the stillness and peace. This was what she had needed. Time out. Time to come to terms with the fact she was now bonded forever through a child to a man who didn’t want her. A man she was desperately in love with.
The persistently strong feelings she had grown accustomed to over the last few weeks had nothing to do with any post-traumatic stress syndrome or even the hormonal turbulence of pregnancy. The real reason for her apparent obsession with Guy had been blindingly obvious as soon as she’d seen him again, and the truth had become inescapable the moment she’d caught his expression when he’d watched Phil and Ellie and the baby together for the first time.
All the things she had been striving for in her life had just lost a great deal of their significance, and Jennifer felt utterly lost. Maybe she’d always been heading in the wrong direction. Ever since…
The glow of the bright petals she held distracted Jennifer. Almost mesmerised her. The last time she had picked buttercups had been to present a bouquet to her mother on one of their frequent wanders through the farm paddocks. Their special time together when the rest of the world had been forgotten and Jennifer had been the most important person in existence.
The blur of her tears made it difficult to ascertain what it was she saw appearing over the ridge of the next hill. Jennifer blinked and then stared. And then she laughed through her tears. She was still laughing and the tears had been brushed away by the time the apparition neared her rock.
‘What’s so funny?’
‘You’re a Knight,’ Jennifer pointed out, ‘and you’ve just ridden up on a white charger.’
Guy’s grin lit up his sombre features. ‘Charlie’s hardly a charger. I was lucky to get a good canter out of him. He’s just a retired farm hack, but, hey! If you need rescuing then I’m your man.’
He slid off the large white horse and held out a hand. Jennifer grasped it and scrambled to her feet. The two dogs, who had hurled themselves into the stream to cool off, emerged to shake themselves vigorously and shower Jennifer with water.
‘Get in behind,’ Guy growled. The dogs grinned back, still panting hard.
‘It doesn’t matter,’ Jennifer assured him. ‘I’m filthy anyway. Just look at my feet!’
‘Charlie won’t mind. I can brush the mud off later.’
‘You don’t think I’m going to ride back, do you? I haven’t even been on a pony since I was a kid, and he’s huge!’
‘You’ll be as safe as houses,’ Guy promised. ‘Have you any idea how far you’ve walked? It would be nearly dark by the time you got back.’ He eyed her feet. ‘I’ll bet they’re cold, and you don’t want to get a new set of blisters, do you? Besides,’ he added firmly, ‘there’s a session at the Glenfalloch pub tonight to wet young Isaac Guy Henderson’s head, and you’re expected to attend as the guest of honour.’
‘But I haven’t got anything to wear!’
Guy raised an eyebrow. ‘I’m sure we can come to some arrangement. How ’bout I tell Maureen to leave the doilies in the cupboard and you can go… naked.’
‘Yeah, right!’
The change in the atmosphere at the very notion of Jennifer being naked was marked. Having Guy vault onto Charlie’s bare back after boosting her on board cranked it up to an electrifying level. When they started moving, with Guy holding Jennifer securely against his body, the rocking motion created a physical contact that was almost unbearably arousing.
‘Do you really want to keep those?’ Guy’s hand touched the one of Jennifer’s that wasn’t gripping a handful of shaggy mane.
She looked at the wilting bunch of buttercups and smiled. ‘Yes,’ she said firmly. ‘I do.’
When they reached flatter ground, Guy asked whether Jennifer wanted to try a faster pace. She agreed, partly because the sooner the exquisite torture of being held so closely by Guy was over the sooner she could try and get her head straight again, and partly because she felt so safe and secure in his arms that she was ready to try anything.
Charlie’s steady canter felt like flying, and Jennifer laughed aloud at the sheer pleasure of it. The ride was over all too soon, however, and Guy slid down and then held up his arms to catch Jennifer as she dismounted. Suddenly she was on the ground, still in Guy’s arms and grinning like an idiot. With her face upturned, she was about to find a way to express her appreciation, but the look on Guy’s face made any words die on her lips.
He wanted to kiss her. Jennifer’s lips parted, more than ready to welcome and return the contact, but as her gaze locked with his, she could see the flash of alarm and almost feel the gathering of resolve. He might want to kiss her – maybe even as much as she wanted him to – but he wasn’t going to succumb to physical desire.
Whatever it was that made her unacceptable was way too powerful.
Guy turned away, dropping his hands from Jennifer’s waist. ‘You go ahead and get changed,’ he said gruffly. ‘I’ll take care of Charlie.’ He didn’t turn his head as he led the horse away. ‘It really doesn’t matter what you wear,’ he added wearily. ‘People want to see you, not your clothes.’
* * *
There was no chance for any kind of personal conversation before heading out to the local gathering, but Jennifer was quite happy to wait for Guy’s verdict. The more time they spent together, the more chance she had for more than a rank dismissal from his life.
A crowd of nearly a hundred people packed the large public bar of the Glenfalloch pub, milling around tables that groaned with the weight of the community’s culinary offerings. The animated buzz of happy conversation died as Guy and Jennifer stepped through the door. Phil Henderson, a tall glass of beer in one hand, had spotted them and was tapping on his glass with a spoon to attract everyone’s attention.
‘Here they are!’ he cried. ‘Not one but two knights in shining armour. Without these two heroes I might not have my wife, let alone the most beautiful baby in the world.’
The cheer that went up, along with the clapping, was embarrassing enough, but Jennifer wished a hole in the floor would open up and swallow her as one young man’s ribald shout was heard above the general approval.
‘You’d better marry her now, Doc, and turn her into a real Knight!’
A woman standing near the door smiled at Jennifer.
‘Take no notice of Nathan, love. We’ve all been letting off a bit of steam, that’s all. This is a celebration we’ve all been looking forward to. I’m Lillian,’ the woman said, introducing herself. ‘This is my husband, Dave. We’re the closest neighbours to the Hendersons so I expect I’ll get to see a lot of wee Isaac. Is it true he’s quite okay?’
‘As far as we know, he’s absolutely fine,’ Jennifer confirmed.
People were gathering around her and she could see that Guy was being slapped on the back and congratulated as he made his way closer to the bar. Introductions were coming at her from all directions. Hands needed shaking and all sorts of questions about Isaac’s arrival had to be fielded but, to her surprise, Jennifer found herself enjoying the attention. When had she ever felt this much appreciation and respect from the relatives and friends of patients she’d treated? Mind you, she’d never had the time or inclination to spend any kind of social time with them.
A glass of sparkling wine found its way into Jennifer’s hand, but she abandoned it discreetly as she was edged towards the tables.
‘You must be starving, dear. Grab a plate. There’s plenty!’
Indeed there was. When she got close enough to the tables to see what was on them, a lump the size of a golf ball lodged itself in Jennifer’s throat. It was like a time warp. These tables could have been at any country gathering in her own childhood. Steaming plates of sausage rolls and small potato-topped savouries stood by plastic bottles of tomato sauce. Asparagus rolls were doing their best to unfurl and there were even lamingtons, with cream oozing out from their coconut-drenched chocolate or strawberry coating.
Jennifer was sure she recognised two of the women she’d overheard talking in the hospital corridor the day she’d finally hauled herself out of bed. One of them eyed her with great interest.
‘We certainly didn’t expect to see you back in our neck of the woods.’
‘I just popped back to visit Guy.’
‘Hmm.’ The two women exchanged a glance. ‘You must have got to know each other quite well on that tramp you did together in the mountains.’
‘You could say that.’ Guy leaned over from a conversation in a neighbouring knot of people, flashing Jennifer just the ghost of a wink. Was he also thinking of just how well they had got to know each other?
‘And you’ve come back. How long will you stay this time?’
Jennifer was trying to will herself not to blush. ‘Not long, but I’m sure it won’t be my last visit.’
Guy may have returned to his own conversation, but she was sure he was listening to her words. ‘This part of the country has changed my life. I think part of me belongs here now.’
Guy confirmed that he’d been listening by turning towards the women again. ‘Jennifer has to get home tomorrow. She’s about to become the head honcho for the emergency department in her Auckland hospital.’
‘Well, it’s just lucky you happened to visit today then, isn’t it?’ The women nodded happily and then one drained her glass of wine. ‘So you’re staying with Guy then?’
No arrangements had been made for the night, but Jennifer had no idea how long this celebration was likely to last. If it finished late, he was hardly likely to send her off looking for a hotel, was he? She hoped it would finish late and she simply smiled at the women without answering the question.
‘Those savouries look delicious. Where can I find a plate?’
Maureen, the pub manager, was only too happy to replace Jennifer’s missing glass when she approached the bar sometime later. Guy was drinking orange juice, she noticed, and she would follow his example, but it would have been nice to be able to have a sip or two of wine. It might have even chased away the knot of misery lodged deep within Jennifer.
Maureen had noticed the direction her glance had strayed in. ‘He’s a wonderful man.’
‘Yes, he is.’ Jennifer had no argument with that.
‘We’re so lucky he decided to come back here to live. He could have had a high-flying career in the city, too, if he’d wanted.’
‘I’m sure he could.’
‘He hated the city.’
‘Yes.’ Jennifer wished Maureen would pour the orange juice she’d asked for a little faster, but she was putting some ice into the glass first, one cube at a time.
‘He was married once, you know.’
‘I did know that.’ Jennifer was sure he wouldn’t want it being discussed over the bar, but something in Maureen’s glance made her actually lean a little closer.
‘She didn’t fit in,’ the older woman confided. ‘She was always dressed to the nines and looking down her nose at us all.’
Jennifer was suddenly very pleased she was wearing her jeans with the hems still damp from where she had sponged off the mud.
‘He deserved better.’ Maureen handed Jennifer her glass and smiled. ‘He still does.’
Jennifer stared down at the glass in her hand. ‘I don’t think he’s very interested in getting involved again. I think it might be once bitten, forever shy in his case.’
Maureen just smiled. ‘What about you, love?’ she asked softly. ‘It’s as plain as the nose on your face how you feel. You like him, don’t you?’
Jennifer simply returned the faintly knowing smile. Let them all gossip, she decided. She had a funny feeling that they might support her side of the situation, and that couldn’t hurt, could it?
Music from a live band that included fiddlers started up and it wasn’t very long before Jennifer found herself dancing. With the ancient and bearded Mack, of all people, in a fairly riotous square dance. When she apologised for her lack of expertise, his considered response of ‘You’ll do’ made her feel ridiculously pleased with herself.
At some point much later in the evening, Jennifer was balancing a plate laden with a chocolate eclair and a raspberry slice when she found herself back in a group of local women who had clearly taken advantage of the celebratory drinks Phil had supplied.
‘Such a shame Digger isn’t here,’ one said sadly. ‘He did love a good knees-up. Especially here, in his pub.’
‘I thought Guy’s mother used to own this place.’ Jennifer’s aversion to gossip had been overruled given that they were discussing one of the few people Jennifer actually knew about in this gathering.
‘It was Digger who really ran it.’ The speaker lowered her voice to let Jennifer know she was about to receive confidential information. ‘For years and years. The further Diana Knight slid into the bottle, the more he took over.’
‘Lucky for Guy that he did.’ Another nodded. ‘That boy would have ended up in prison otherwise.’
‘Or dead.’
‘He was a real father to him. Only one he ever had.’
Jennifer took another sip of her juice. ‘He… was fond of Guy’s mother, wasn’t he?’
‘Worshipped the ground she walked on.’ The speaker sniffed eloquently. ‘He was never going to be good enough for the likes of Diana, though. She had her sights set on some flash job in the city. Finding herself a millionaire. She hated this place.’
‘Why did she stay then?’ Jennifer asked.
‘Had no choice really. She’d got herself into trouble and headed home.’
‘As they do,’ another woman said knowledgeably.
Do they? Jennifer wondered. With her mouth full of eclair, there was no need for her to respond, but she found herself thinking about the comment as the gathering finally dispersed.
Was that what she was doing? Heading back to her roots, having got herself ‘into trouble’?
‘Let’s go home.’ Guy appeared by her side and Jennifer knew that home with Guy was exactly where she wanted to go.
It was raining again quite heavily by the time they returned to Guy’s cottage.
‘You’d better stay,’ he told her. ‘It’s too late to be hunting down a motel, and this weather’s getting worse.’
‘Thanks.’ Jennifer was happy to accept the offer. She also accepted the offer of a cup of tea in front of the fire before heading off to the guest room. She relaxed on one side of the couch with the dogs at her feet.
‘This is lovely,’ she told Guy, letting her breath out in a contented sigh. ‘And I really enjoyed tonight as well.’
‘Really?’ Guy sounded sceptical.
‘Really.’ Jennifer nodded. She curled her legs beneath her and took a deep breath. ‘I’d forgotten what it was like. I have memories of evenings like that from when I was a teenager, and I thought it would be my worst nightmare to go to another one.’
‘Because of the food?’
Jennifer smiled, shaking her head. ‘Because of everyone knowing everyone else’s business, and it coming across like they wanted to interfere. I didn’t have a mother and every second woman wanted to step into that breach. I wasn’t having any of it.’
‘I’ll bet.’ Guy was smiling now but he was staring ahead into the fire rather than at Jennifer.
‘They only wanted to help, though. I can see that now. They cared and I just pushed them all away. I couldn’t wait to escape.’ She hesitated only briefly. ‘Bit like your mother, I suppose. Or your ex-wife.’
‘Yeah.’ Guy still wasn’t making eye contact.
‘I don’t feel like that anymore,’ Jennifer said quietly. ‘I feel drawn back. I can’t replace what I lost, but being here makes me realise just how much I did throw away.’
She raised her gaze to where a small jar of water sat on the mantelpiece above the fire. She had put the wilted buttercups into it before they’d gone out, and now their stems had straightened and the furled petals were waiting for daylight to open again.
‘And…’ Jennifer added, a shade desperately. ‘I want it again.’
‘What?’
‘That feeling of belonging. Of… of being, I don’t know… important.’
‘You’re far more important where you are.’
‘Not in the way it matters the most. I think that’s why I want this baby so much. It feels more real, more important than anything else I have in my life.’
It was a long moment before Guy spoke again. ‘You’ll be a great mother, Jenna.’
‘I hope so. I can’t remember much about my own mother. I feel like I grew up without one really.’
‘You and me both. Only I was missing a father as well.’
‘You’d be a great father, Guy,’ Jennifer said shyly.
The silence was even longer this time. ‘I can’t do that, Jenna,’ Guy said finally. ‘Don’t you understand? I… I have feelings for you, and if I go there I’d end up like Digger, mooning after a woman whose standards he could never hope to meet.’
‘That’s not true.’
Guy ignored her. ‘Or it would end up like my first marriage with the love I thought I’d found whittled away until there was only bitterness left. I can’t change who I am, Jenna, and I’m not going to try. Not again.’
‘I’m not asking you to.’ Jennifer reached out and caught Guy’s hand, the little squeeze she gave finally prompting him to meet her gaze. ‘What I feel for you has nothing to do with where you live or how much money you make.’ She paused and then gave her head an imperceptible shake as she tried to arrange her thoughts coherently enough to impart her message. ‘Well, it does have something to do with where you live, I suppose.’
‘Of course it does. We’re on different planets, Jenna.’
It was Jennifer’s turn to ignore Guy’s comment. ‘You remember when you left me by that lake? When you went off to find firewood?’
Guy nodded slowly.
‘I sat there and looked at the scenery and felt the isolation and stillness of it all, and I got this incredible sense of being part of it. Being… home, I guess. I put it down to exhaustion and stress and everything, but it’s happened again since then. Like today, when I sat beside that stream up on the hill, and it’s even happened in the middle of Auckland when… when I’ve being thinking of being with you.’
Jennifer couldn’t be sure, but it felt like Guy was holding her hand now, not just allowing his to be held.
‘I’ve thought about it so often and I knew what it was when I saw you again today.’ Jennifer’s voice dropped to a whisper and the words were the most difficult she had ever had to utter. ‘Being with you makes me feel like I’ve found everything I’ve ever been searching for in my life. It feels like… like I’ve come home.’
Her need to catch a breath sounded like a gulp. ‘I’ve a horrible feeling that I’m in love with you, Guy.’
Guy was sitting very, very still. He opened his mouth and the intensity in his eyes made Jennifer quite sure he was going to return the depth of feeling she had just expressed. But then he shook his head very slowly. Very sadly.
‘It could never work, Jenna. I’ve been there before. I know it could never work.’
‘You haven’t been there with me .’ Jennifer could feel fingers of despair reaching for her heart again. ‘If I really want something to work, I make damned sure it does work. And we’ve got a good reason to try, haven’t we?’
She pulled at Guy’s hand, drawing it closer. Close enough to rest on her belly.
‘Haven’t we?’ she whispered.