Chapter 35 Baz #2
He didn’t think Clover deserved such distrust from them. But he found he didn’t mind this protective side of Kai—that in fact, he enjoyed it.
That night, when they were alone in the illusioned gardens, Baz and Kai speculated over the dean of Karunang’s apparent belief that they really were students of his.
It was hard to believe he would have such little awareness of his charges that the sudden appearance of two Eclipse-born students wouldn’t even cast the slightest of doubt.
“I suppose we should be grateful,” Baz said with a shrug.
Kai wasn’t so convinced. “I don’t like it. Clover asking you to be his partner, the lack of pushback from the dean… It all feels too convenient. We need to be careful.”
Baz’s stomach was aflutter again thinking of Kai’s earlier protectiveness. “What was this about Clover’s nightmare?”
He listened, horrified, as Kai recounted the scene he’d witnessed in Clover’s sleep and the umbrae he’d pulled out of it. If Clover was dreaming about Collapsing, there was no doubt in their minds that he’d unlocked his Eclipse magic.
“There’s something else.” Kai fiddled with a blade of grass. “I was waiting for the right moment to tell you, and I’m not even sure it was real, but… I think I saw Emory in Clover’s nightmare.”
Baz’s heart stopped. “How…”
“I keep seeing Thames in Clover’s nightmares too.
It’s like I drift to them in sleep without even trying, the same way it was with Emory before.
” Kai gave Baz an assessing glance. “You know, I always wondered why your nightmares called to me more than others. For a while, I thought… I don’t know.
That there might be something magical to our connection. But maybe there isn’t.”
“Okay,” Baz said with a confused chuckle, trying not to be hurt by the comment.
“No, I mean, what we have—it doesn’t need some weird magical explanation.
You intrigue me, Brysden. You always have, ever since I first stepped into that printing press nightmare of yours.
You’re not like anyone I’ve ever met. And maybe that’s why I can’t get away from you.
Why I always end up in your mind like a damn moth to a flame. ”
Baz didn’t think he could bear it if that was all Kai saw him as: a mind full of repeating nightmares and deep-rooted fears that he found interesting in a purely academic way. A project to work on as he kept pushing further into Baz’s psyche to understand his fears.
“I’m not some experiment for you to decipher,” he said, the bite of anger to his words taking him by surprise. Why was this bothering him so much?
“I’m explaining it all wrong. What I’m getting at is this dream-bond I have with Clover, Thames, Emory…
I think that has a magical explanation. It’s like our souls call to one another in sleep, a pull that can’t be ignored.
” Amusement lifted the corner of his mouth.
“And just so you know, there’s nothing about you to decipher.
I can read you like a Tides-damned book, Brysden. ”
“Is it a good book, at least?”
“The best.”
Baz felt suddenly warm despite the coolness of the illusioned gardens. Still, something Kai had once said to him darkened his thoughts. It’s always the quietest minds that hide the worst sort of violence.
“Did you know, on some level, that I… that I’d killed those people?” he asked.
Kai flinched. “Why would you think that?”
“Maybe that’s why you’ve always been drawn to my nightmares. Because of how horrible they are. Because of how horrible I am.”
Kai’s mouth thinned in an angry line. “You know I’ve seen truly terrible minds, souls darker than the dark between stars.” His midnight voice sent shivers up Baz’s spine. “You’re not one of them, Baz.”
They locked eyes. The sound of his first name on Kai’s lips sent butterflies swirling in his chest. If it were anyone but Kai, Baz might think he was saying this only to make him feel better. But Kai wasn’t one for lies or sugarcoating the truth.
Baz cleared his throat, trying not to sound too desperate as he asked, “Could you try reaching Emory in the sleepscape again?”
A pause. A thousand emotions winking in and out of Kai’s eyes. Then: “I’ll try.”
Baz looked up at the night sky, reminded of the time he’d watched shooting stars with Emory in the greenhouse.
The memory conjured strange feelings in him now.
He thought suddenly how much like a shooting star Emory was.
Brilliant and awe-inspiring when it raced through his life, but momentary.
A fleeting thing that could never truly be known in full.
Even when they’d shared this massive secret between them—the knowledge of her being a Tidecaller and everything it entailed—it had never really felt to him like they were on the same team.
She’d shared this one secret with him, sure, but how many more had she kept from him?
How many half lies and veiled truths had she spoken, knowing his feelings for her would push him to believe whatever tapestry she weaved?
The stars above him were still. Baz preferred them this way. They were reliable in their stillness, just like the boy sitting beside him.
Baz studied Kai’s reflection in the moonlight.
How different he was from Emory. Here in the uncertainty of their predicament, he felt like he and Kai were on the same page.
That they were in this together, secrets and all.
And he realized it had always been this way between them.
Sure, Kai might have kept things from him, but it was always to protect him, whereas Emory had always had ulterior motives.
Kai caught his gaze and arched a brow. “What?”
“Nothing,” Baz whispered. When he looked up at the stars again, all he could see in them was the pattern of Kai’s eyes.