Chapter 53 Kai
HUDDLED AROUND A TABLE IN a quiet corner of the library, Clover and Thames spent what felt like hours asking hushed questions about what Collapsing was like—hanging on to every detail about silver blood, how it ran red again unless stoppered by the Unhallowed Seal, how the Selenic Order in their time had used that silver blood to create synthetic magics—and through it all, Kai could only think about Baz kissing him.
He found himself sneaking glances at Baz whenever he wasn’t looking, committing to memory the shape of his mouth, the way it had pressed against his neck, how it had felt against his own. How those lips had chased his after Kai pulled away.
Doubt and fear were things Kai rarely let himself feel, but he’d felt it all in that one great, terrifying moment.
He wasn’t sure if Baz truly wanted this.
If he might have felt pressured into the kiss by Kai’s harsh words leading up to it.
Baz definitely noticed him staring at him now, his cheeks going pink as he spoke with the others.
And Kai was certain he felt Baz’s eyes on him whenever he wasn’t looking.
But maybe that was regret coloring Baz’s cheeks, shame making him sneak glances.
Maybe Baz was prolonging this endless conversation so that he wouldn’t have to find himself alone with Kai again, forced to deal with the consequences of that kiss.
Maybes. Something else Kai didn’t like.
He’d been so sure with Farran back then. Convinced he’d found someone who truly accepted him, someone who would never abandon him. He couldn’t have been more wrong. And though Baz was the furthest thing from Farran, Kai was hesitant to let himself trust this conviction in his heart.
People had a tendency to disappoint. He’d rather disappoint them before they had the chance to hurt him. It was like a chess match, and he was thinking five moves ahead, sacrificing parts of his game to protect his heart, the most vulnerable piece on the board.
Layer by layer, Kai built that armor back up around him, so that by the time they returned to the Eclipse commons later that evening, he had all but shut the metaphorical door on what had transpired. With Thames gone to bed and Polina nowhere to be found, it was finally just the two of them.
“It’s been a long day,” Kai said before silence could settle between them.
“Yeah.” Baz sat down in his favorite armchair. He palmed the back of his neck in that nervous way of his. “Do you… I mean… That was…”
Kai figured he’d save him the trouble. “We don’t have to talk about it.”
Baz frowned. “What if I want to talk about it?”
There was something Kai didn’t recognize in his voice, his expression, a confidence he was unused to seeing behind those glasses of his. “Look, if you regret it…”
“What? No, of course not.”
“You can take it back if you do. It’s been an emotional day, and I know there’s Emory—”
“For Tides’ sake, Kai.” Baz fished a sketchbook out of his satchel and all but threw it at him. “Look.”
Kai braced for the inevitable as he flipped it open.
But unlike the sketchbook he’d seen back at the lighthouse, the one Baz had filled with drawings of Emory, this one was full of Kai’s own face.
Quick studies that only gave the impression of him, and more detailed pieces that had his throat closing with emotion: a replication of the tattoos on his collarbone; a sketch of his profile wearing a rare, unguarded smile; a beautifully rendered scene of the two of them dancing together, the world around them fading to a blur.
“I don’t regret that kiss,” Baz insisted. Horror seemed to dawn on him then. “Oh Tides, do you? You do, don’t you?” He snatched his sketchbook back, looking embarrassed. “Let’s just forget it.”
Kai closed the distance between them, grabbing hold of Baz’s face as he bent down to kiss his mouth.
A surprised sound rumbled in Baz’s throat, giving way to a soft sigh as he tugged Kai closer by the lapels of his shirt.
Kai braced his hands on either side of the armchair so he wouldn’t fall on top of him.
Every nerve in his body was aflame as Baz’s mouth opened to his and their tongues glided against each other.
Kai grazed his teeth over Baz’s lower lip as he pulled back, delighting in how breathless Baz was, in the flush that crept up his neck. “Does that answer your question?”
“What was the question again?” Baz managed.
“If I regret this.” Kai’s mouth brushed his ever so slightly. “I don’t,” he rasped, “just so we’re clear.”
There was a yearning in Baz’s eyes. “Thanks for clearing that up.”
“Anytime.” With another teasing brush of the lips, Kai drew himself up and plopped down on the sofa.
Baz cleared his throat, visibly flustered as he righted his glasses and pulled at his sleeves. Still, he couldn’t hide the small smile playing on his lips, and Kai couldn’t help but like him even more than he already did.
When Baz finally met Kai’s gaze, it was with some of that earlier confidence. “So where does this leave us?” he asked.
Kai wanted to tell him he was all in, that he would follow Baz’s lead and be whatever he needed him to be because this was everything to him. Instead, he asked, “Where do you want this to leave us?”
“I don’t know. I’m not exactly good at this, in case you hadn’t noticed.”
“Brysden, I’ve been noticing every little thing about you since the first moment I saw you.” Kai gave him a crooked smile. “In case you hadn’t noticed.”
Heat rose to Baz’s cheeks, but he held Kai’s gaze. “I noticed. It just… took me a while to make sense of it.”
“Don’t beat yourself up over it. I’m a tough one to crack.”
Baz studied him in earnest, the firelight dancing in his glasses. “You don’t have to hide behind that armor of yours,” he said. “Not from me.”
The words broke through whatever flimsy layer of armor still remained around his heart. “I won’t,” Kai whispered. He realized he never really had—not like he hid from other people. He’d never wanted to.
Kai must have fallen asleep on the sofa as he kept Baz company while he studied—because yes, even after the moment they’d shared, Basil fucking Brysden would obviously take the time to study.
Kai found himself seeking out the others in his sleep.
Funny how the sleepscape used to be such a solitary place, and now he was flitting from mind to mind, following the tug on his soul wherever it took him.
Clover. Luce. Baz, always. Emory, though he couldn’t feel her in the sleepscape at present.
Thames was nowhere to be found tonight either. Maybe unable to sleep.
But Kai slept. Truly slept, drifting from the sleepscape and falling into a magicless slumber, for once unencumbered by nightmares.