Decan
Being with Hope f elt wonderful. His fingers were laced through hers between the massage tables in the resort’s spa. He could hear a subtle hum as the knots were kneaded away from her shoulders. He’d opted for a hot stone massage, the tension from his back easing with each new stone.
He loved how they could simply… be. There was no pressure to hold a conversation. Simply holding her hand and running his thumb over hers was all he needed. With his mind at ease and his body relaxed, he drifted into a state of pure content. On past vacations, he’d always avoided the spas, but this one was different—this one was special. And if he were honest with himself, he prayed all his future vacations would be the same—that his life would be the same.
After the massage, they shared an intimate lunch by themselves before heading to the beach for the day. It was a long walk, but they took their time. After all, they had nowhere else to be. They’d reserved a lounging bed right off the wooden walkway. Hope helped the few steps over the sand, assisting him to walk by his arms around her shoulders. He would’ve felt uncomfortable asking for help from anyone other than his family, possibly even Marco. But Hope h ad changed that for him—she made helping him natural.
“I want us to do something, but it might be…” She trailed off, her gaze avoiding his. “Well, your family has asked me a few times how serious I am, and I thought maybe we could talk about it.”
“What did you have in mind?”
Blushing, she withdrew a small notebook from her bag. “I researched a few questions someone should ask a partner before getting serious. There were a ton, but I picked through them.”
“These are ones that you felt were the most important?”
“Yes, but we can always add to them.”
“I like that idea.”
“Why don’t you read through them since I already have?”
took the notebook and skimmed over the questions. He had an answer for most of them, but a niggling feeling settled in the pit of his stomach. “What happens if we disagree on them?”
“That’s actually one of the last ones.”
Hope was right, the last one read: How Do You Handle Disagreements Or Fights?
He thought over it for a moment, then looked back to Hope. Her whole body was tense, her eyes hesitant. “I used to be a hothead. I couldn’t handle criticism well and took everything as a personal insult. Now, it depends on the situation. If I’m not able to listen to your side calmly and understand where you’re coming from, I’d like to suggest giving each other some space and addressing it once we’ve cooled down.”
Hope nodded along with him. “I’ve noticed I get hurt easily by criticism, so sometimes I feel defensive right away when someone disagrees with me.” Her eyes trailed to her lap where her fingers fidgeted with her jumpsuit. “I cry, especially when I’m angry and I often feel as if I can’t explain my side of view the way I would like.”
“So, would it help to take some time away from the situation and return to it once you’ve collected your thoughts?” he asked.
“Yes. I think finding a middle ground is always the goal, but sometimes it should also be okay to agree to disagree.”
He slowly nodded, liking her approach. “Not forcing something on the other person that they don’t want.”
“That’s exactly it.”
“I like the whole agreeing to not agree part.” He moved to the next question. “What are your financial goals and how can we try to reach them?”
“I’m actually content where I am now. I don’t have any debt and right now, I’m comfortable. I always thought of debt as being a big burden, so I try not to spend what I don’t have.” Hope smiled and gave a nervous laugh. “Seeing money in my savings account makes me happy.”
“What about big purchases down the line like a house?”
“I mean, I pay rent now so it would be simply switching to a mortgage. But I don’t want a potential house eating up all my money. I think a mortgage is an acceptable debt, though I don’t want it to suck up my whole income. What about you? Do you have any debt?”
He nodded, hanging his head in shame. “I have medical debt. Since I was driving recklessly, the insurance didn’t pay—which I understand. My parents wanted to pay it off for me, but I refused. I already owned my apartment outright, so I took the money I would have been paying in mortgage and that goes to my medical bills. Though I try to stay healthy, I’m at higher risk for more health issues along the way so this might be something that never goes away.”
“Can I ask something unrelated to the list?”
“Of course.”
“You don’t have to answer.” When he gave her a nod, she continued, “Is paying off the medical bills some sort of punishment for yourself? I mean, if you’d paid them all in one chunk it would be done and over with. Why are you dragging it out?”
He focused on the notebook in his hands, squeezing it so fiercely that his knuckles turned white. Hope had hit something in him that he tried not to think about too much. “You could say that.”
When he said nothing else, Hope reached over and brushed the back of her hand along his arm. “What’s next on the list? Unless you had something else to say?”
He swallowed hard to find his voice again and asked, “What would you want to do about our finances if we were to stay together long term?”
“I saw a video about it once that stuck with me. That couple had four accounts: one for joint expenses, one for savings, and then a personal account each.”
A smile tugged at the corner of ’s mouth. “So, if you were to buy more books that would come out of your account? ”
Hope laughed, the sound warming his veins. “Yes, but if I were to say… buy you a gift because you deserve it, that would come from my account too. I’m pretty sure there is more to that, but that’s a basic idea that I liked.”
“It sounds plausible.”
“Would you want a prenup? I mean your family has money, right? Is that something they’d want?”
“I don’t know how I’d feel about that,” confessed. “I’ve never thought about it.”
“Maybe that can be something for a future list.”
He looked back down and read the next question. “How can I help you when you’re stressed?”
“Oh, I liked that one. I’m such a mood-pleaser if that is even a term. Sometimes I just need space and someone to throw snacks at me from a safe distance. Other times, I just need someone to hold and listen to what I have to say. I don’t always need advice, just someone to vent to.”
“I’ll make sure to have an emergency snack stash,” he chuckled. “I often just need space, or distraction. The gym helps me deal with shit and Marco’s gotten really good at reading my moods. Sometimes I go for fun, but then when I’m going through a bad phase, the pain helps me distract myself from my own head.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Next question?” When Hope nodded, he read it out loud. “Do you want children and what would we do if we struggle to get pregnant?”
“I had to think about this one for a long while.” Hope shrugged. “I still don’t have a clear answer. Kids are precious but at the same time, they’re a huge responsibility. I thin k for now, I’m happy with not having any.”
“Are you open to them later on?”
“Yes, if my partner is too. I don’t wanna do it alone.”
sighed, and tried to find the right words to voice his opinions. “I used to want children, at least one, but now I’m terrified of it. I struggled to take care of myself for so long, that the thought of taking care of a child terrifies me.”
“Well, look at it like this: we’ll save a lot of money on strollers.”
looked over to see her smiling at him. “I love how openly you deal with the whole wheelchair thing. Some would’ve been afraid to hurt my feelings to say something like that.”
“Did I?” she asked, worry filtering through her tone.
“No, you actually painted a really sweet picture.”
“So, babies are a possibility if the circumstances are right.”
“Do you want to talk about your expectations around childcare and parenting? You said that you don’t want to do it alone.”
“I don’t. I think if we were to have a child, we would share the responsibility. I also don’t see myself as a housewife in any sense. I would be willing to stay home for a little while, but I don’t want to give up work permanently.”
“I think the thought of staying home alone terrifies me because I’m afraid of not being able to care for them,” he confessed. “But I do believe parenting should be a joint effort, same with household chores. Just because one stays home to take care of the children doesn’t mean the other gets away with not helping around the house. ”
“I think you would do wonderfully.” Hope leaned over and kissed his cheek. “I think the fear of not being able to be a good father will make you a perfect one.”
took a moment, letting her words soothe his soul. “How much alone time do you need?”
“I think I mentioned before how I enjoy being alone right now after living with roommates, but I think it would be different if we lived together. What I would need really depends on my mood.”
“I think it’s important to do things without each other. You still want to be your own person while still being in a relationship, and I don’t want to lose myself in the partnership.”
“I agree. I also wouldn’t want to be questioned every time I decide to go to the store alone or simply want to go for a walk.” She started fidgeting with her jumpsuit again. “I mean, obviously we’d communicate, but space is important.”
“There is a thin line and if it’s balanced well, it doesn’t make the other feel controlled.”
“That’s exactly it.”
“How do we deal with our in-laws?” he asked, moving to the next question.
“You haven’t met my parents yet, but I think I’m getting along with your family so far. I think spending time with them is good and necessary, but it’s also good to let them know where that stops.”
“Set boundaries that we agree on and both enforce,” clarified.
“Yep. ”
couldn’t help but laugh at the next question. “Oh, great transition from in-laws. What are your expectations on sex?”
Hope giggled and that beautiful blush tinted her cheeks again. “I like how it is now. Maybe it’s just a honeymoon phase, but I enjoy that I’m comfortable enough to try new things with you. I hope that we always stay open for each others’ feelings and suggestions.”
A warm, tingling feeling settled in his stomach and made his next words come easy. “You make me feel comfortable and safe. I like that we have a safe word and that we can trust each other to know when to use it. I’d rather not put a number on how often we should have sex because I don’t want it to be an obligation. If I ever feel like it is, I trust that you would be open to communicate and speak about it. Things always change, and I have a goal to be open about it when they do.”
“I like how you always take care of me,” Hope continued. “You make sure I’m comfortable. It makes me feel safe, and I think I’d like to adopt that goal as well. So whenever something changes for me, I’ll sit down and tell you.”
“What does marriage mean to you?” he asked, moving on to the next question.
Hope took a deep breath. “I put that question on there because it was mentioned a lot. It made me realise I’m in this for the long haul. Even if official marriage is something you don’t want, I want this to last. Wedding or no wedding, it means home and safety for me and someone I can trust unconditionally who only cares about my wellbeing.”
’s heart swelled. “I’m here for the long haul too. I don’ t see marriage as some sort of goal, but as a stepping stone. I feel like some see marriage as the finish line, but I think it’s just an affirmation to the trust you have in someone.”
“I like that a lot.”
“I have a follow up question,” stated.
“I’m open to hearing it.”
“Since we both agreed that children are out of the picture for now, I think it’s only fair if we split the cost for birth control.” Hope stared at him as if he’d sprouted a second head. “Well, if we used condoms, we would both buy them, right? So I don’t mind contributing to the cost of your pill.”
“Can you be any sweeter?” felt himself blush, which only widened Hope’s grin. “My insurance covers it all. They’d rather shell out for birth control than childbirth.”
“Oh…”
“That was so damn sweet,” Hope reiterated.
He dramatically flipped his hair back and smirked at her. “Well, what can I say, I’m a little sugar cookie.”
Hope threw herself onto him and kissed him passionately, the weight of her body making his cock jerk. When she came up for air, she smiled at him. “So, you felt good about this whole questionnaire?”
“Yes, I really liked it. It makes me feel less anxious about your expectations for us both. Clarity is always a good thing.”
“I was afraid it would be awkward, but the little jabs from your family made me nervous because we hadn’t talked about it. I enjoy… us so much that I don’t want it to be ruined just because we didn’t talk openly from the start. ”
He claimed her lips again, wanting nothing more than to reward her for being so brave.