Chapter eleven #3
Gabriel says nothing. He gets to his feet, thanks her, and walks out.
I stand too, following. At the door, Dr. Turner grabs my hand.
“If he’s not willing, Lily,” she says, barely above a whisper, “you need to find a pack that is. Don’t sit around waiting on them to change their minds. You won’t survive it.”
“Yeah.”
“Call me if it gets too much. Any time, day or night. I’ll help you whatever way I can. I’m going to call in a prescription for the pain and nausea. Tell Mr. Santos so he can pick it up.”
“I will.”
She squeezes my hand and lets go.
The truck ride home is silent. Gabriel stares at the road. I stare out the window. The pounding is back. I have the urge to reach out and put my hand on Gabriel’s arm. I instinctively know it would help. But my head knows my touch is unwelcome.
We’re about ten minutes from the house when Gabriel finally speaks.
“I’m sorry about what I said. About the gala. I didn’t mean it the way it sounded.”
“Yes you did.”
He’s quiet for a beat. Then, “Maybe I did. But not because of you. I meant I wish the situation were different. I wish I could be what you need without it hurting someone else. You should know that if I didn’t have Miles…
things would have been different. I would have snatched you up at first scent.
But I do have him and I can’t hurt him like that. ”
“Sure. I get it, Gabriel.”
More silence. I watch the trees move past in the last of the afternoon light.
“Lily, I need to ask you something, and I need you to be honest with me about whether you can do it.”
“What?”
“Cyrus and Garrett. They felt the difference this morning when they touched you. They saw how much it helped.”
“Yes.”
“If they ask you about it—if they ask whether their touch is helping your symptoms—I need you to tell them no.”
I turn to look at him. He’s staring straight ahead, hands clamped to the wheel.
“You want me to lie to them.”
“I want you to protect them.” There’s a tremor in his voice, barely there but I catch it.
“If Garrett and Cyrus know that their touch is the thing keeping you from getting sicker, they won’t be able to stop themselves.
They’ll do it constantly. They’ll hold you, they’ll sleep near you, they’ll do everything their instincts are screaming at them to do.
And every day they do that, the bond gets stronger. For them and for you.”
I say nothing, my heart dropping down into my stomach for the acid to erode.
“And Miles.” He swallows, as if the words cut his tongue. “Miles will smell them on you. He’ll sense the bond deepening. He’ll know what it means, and it will confirm every fear he’s had since you walked through our door. That we’re choosing you over him. That he’s being replaced.”
“So I just get sicker.”
That’s the plan. Let me decline so that his omega stays comfortable. I can’t help the respect I feel for his level of loyalty to Miles. I’d wonder if I’d ever experience the same from an alpha, but since my own scent match won’t give me that, it’s probably safe to assume not.
“The specialist will help. Whatever they recommend—medication, therapy, coping—I’ll make sure you get it. I’ll pay for all of it. But the contact with my pack has to stay limited. And Garrett and Cyrus can’t know that it matters as much as it does.”
“What if it matters more than you think? What if the specialist isn’t enough? What if it’s already too late?”
“Then we’ll figure something else out.”
“And if you can’t?”
He doesn’t answer.
I turn back to the window. The house appears through the trees, stone and glass, lights glowing orange inside. The place that could have been home if things were different.
“Tell me what to say,” I hear myself whisper. “When they ask.”
“Tell them it was a coincidence this morning. Tell them the doctor said it’s hormonal and that any alpha proximity would have the same effect. That it’s not specific to them. Don’t tell them it’s amplified by the match.”
He wants me to pretend I don’t need them.
“That’s a lot of lies, Gabriel.”
“I know.”
“And you think they’ll believe it?”
“Garrett might not. But if you tell him, he’ll respect it. He’ll back off because you asked him to, even if he suspects you’re lying. That’s who he is.”
He’s right. Garrett would. Garrett would let me suffer because I told him I was fine, because he trusts me enough to let me make my own decisions. That’s the worst part about this plan. It uses the best thing about the best person in that house against him.
“And Cyrus?”
“Cyrus follows Gabriel’s lead. If I tell him the rules haven’t changed, he’ll comply.”
“Even if he knows I’m lying?”
“Even then.”
We roll into the driveway. Gabriel parks. Neither of us moves.
“Lily, I know what I’m asking. I know it’s not fair.
I know it’s not right. But the alternative is worse.
If the bond gets any stronger, if my pack gets any more attached to you, the breaking will be…
” He stops, starts again. “I’ve watched someone break before.
I watched Miles shatter into a thousand pieces and I spent years putting him back together.
I can’t watch that happen again. Not to him.
Not to Garrett or Cyrus. And not to you. ”
I want to argue. I want to tell him that I’m already breaking, that the shattering is happening right now, every day a little worse. But my headache is blinding and my throat is locked up, so the words don’t come.
“Okay,” I say.
“Okay?”
“I’ll lie to them.” I unbuckle my seatbelt. “I’ll tell them it was a fluke this morning. I’ll tell them any alpha would have helped. I’ll tell them their touch doesn’t matter.”
I open the door and step out. Cold air slaps me in the face.
“But Gabriel?” I turn back. He’s watching me, blue eyes shining in the dusk. “If I get worse—if the medicine can’t fix this and the withdrawal keeps progressing—I need you to know that when I break, it’ll be because you chose to let it happen. Not because you didn’t know.”
I shut the door before he can answer.
Inside, Garrett is waiting at the stairs. “How’d it go? What did the doctor say?”
I look at him—the worry lines, the soft warmth, the green eyes that always see through me—and I feel the lie click into place.
“Just hormonal stuff,” I say. “Suppressant withdrawal. She’s referring me to a specialist.”
“And the thing this morning? How the ache eased when we—“
“Coincidence.” The word is bitter. “She said any alpha proximity would have the same effect. It’s not specific.”
Garrett studies me, and for a second, I think he knows. He’s too smart, too tuned in to me to really buy it. But he nods anyway, because he trusts me, because that’s what he does.
“Alright,” he says. “Good that you’re seeing a specialist, though.”
“Yeah.”
“You hungry? I made soup.”
It almost breaks me. The simplicity of it. He made soup while I was gone, just so I’d have something warm when I got home. Like he finds me worthy of the effort.
“Soup sounds perfect,” I say.
He smiles, and it’s like someone flipped on a light. My mood lifts despite everything. I follow him to the kitchen, head pounding, chest aching.
Behind me, I hear the front door close. Gabriel’s footsteps in the hall.
We don’t look at each other.
We don’t need to.
I watch Garrett move around the kitchen, my eyes a little blurry from the headache. His movements are easy and fluid. My omega pushes me toward him and I have to urge myself back.
My body knows exactly what would make me better.
I’m just not allowed to have it.