Chapter 5 #2
Later that night, after Madison was snug in her bed, Tobias sat with his mom at their kitchen table. He’d prepared them cups of tea and took out some fresh-baked Christmas cookies.
Some problems just needed to be hashed out with his mom, no matter how old he got.
He sometimes wondered what it would have been like if his dad was still around, but he’d died in an accident at work when Tobias was still a baby. Tobias didn’t have any memories of him, but his mom had told him tons of stories about their time together.
“Okay, Toby, tell me what’s on your mind,” Grace said as she took a sip of her vanilla chai tea.
The aroma from his own mug settled his nerves as he tried to figure out where to start.
Talking about Chase would be slightly more embarrassing, so he decided to warm up with hockey before mentioning his new employee.
“I’ve been asked to return to the Inferno for this year’s alumni game.”
She gasped and started bouncing in her seat.
“Oh, honey, that’s so exciting. When is it? You said yes, right?”
He took a sip of his own mug of vanilla chai to buy himself a moment before he answered her.
“It’s in March. And I told them I’d have to think about it.”
Her face dropped. “What? Why? What’s there to think about?”
With a sigh, he dunked the peanut butter kiss cookie in his tea, taking bites of it between speaking in hopes the sweetness would give him enough strength to get through this conversation.
“My last year of hockey nearly broke me. I don’t know if I can go back and have that spotlight on me again. What if I get on the ice and completely choke? I’ll be the laughingstock of hockey and I won’t be able to show my face in public again.”
His mother had turned her cookie into a pile of crumbs. Her face was full of tension, but she kept opening and closing her mouth as if she couldn’t figure out what to say.
“Just say it, Mom. Whatever you’re thinking. I want to hear your honest opinion.”
She blinked twice, her face tense, before saying, “That’s a load of crap,” and all he could do was gape at her.
“Uh, what?”
“Toby, you don’t show your face in public now. You’re already living your life like you were laughed out of hockey.”
“That’s not true,” Tobias argued, and his mom raised her brows at him.
“Really? Honey, you’ve been living half a life since you were drafted by the Inferno,” she said, reaching for his hand on the table and squeezing it. “Maybe you should start going back to therapy again.”
Tobias winced. “Yeah, I’ve been thinking the same thing lately.”
“Look, I know it’s hard for you, being out in public and dealing with strangers, but returning to hockey for one game is not the same thing as going on a public speaking tour.
You’ve told me being in net is like being in your own little bubble where no one can touch you.
I think it would be a good thing to get that back, even if it’s only for one night.
“If that’s not enough to convince you, just think of Madison and how proud she’ll be seeing you out on the ice enjoying the game you’ve loved your whole life.
That little girl worships the ground you walk on.
Don’t you think she’d be proud to see you out there?
Tobias, a mother wants nothing but her child to be happy, and you’re not happy.
Returning for one game isn’t going to put a spotlight on you like you think it is.
And I know that’s what you’re really scared of.
You’re too good to get laughed off that ice and you know it. ”
His eyes burned as tears threatened to escape, but he blinked them away.
“I wanted to play as myself. I wanted to come out and I couldn’t do it, and it broke me. I failed. I failed myself and I failed every queer kid out there who needs to see someone like them playing hockey.”
His voice cracked and his mom cupped his hand between both of hers.
“You didn’t fail anyone, Toby. Supporting that community doesn’t fall on your shoulders alone.
You’re fighting against years of intolerance, and just because you weren’t able to stand up doesn’t mean you failed.
The system failed you. There’s a reason so few male professional athletes have come out, and that’s not your fault.
For once, you need to do what’s best for you. ”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” he croaked.
“When are you gonna start living? When was the last time you hung out with friends or went on a date? I know you. You were never meant to be locked up in a house away from the world. You should be out there making memories. Enjoying friends that aren’t your mother or a six-year-old.”
Chase popped into his mind, and he couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to talk openly with someone. He hadn’t done it in so long, he wasn’t sure he was even capable anymore. He was much better at conversations with his family. Fuck, that was sad.
“Think about it, Toby,” Grace said, saving him from his mind running away from him. “You have so much to offer the world. We don’t know the future, but what we do know is life is too short to waste it hiding. Don’t take it for granted.”