Chapter 14 #2
“Yeah, I um...” But I don’t say anything, not at first anyway.
It takes Scott to jog me into action. “It’s okay Calla, I know this is difficult for you and if it helps, it won’t be easy for me to hear, but I don’t expect you let me off the hook.
Nobody likes to admit the hurt they caused another person, but this whole shit storm is down to me, and I want to face up to it. ”
“Right,” I say wide-eyed before I take a deep breath. Scott has obviously given this a lot of thought. “Right,” I say again, my palms a sweaty mess. “Well, firstly, Ash said you did it because you liked me.”
He rubs his hand slowly over his nose then mouth, closing his eyes. “Shit, it sounds pathetic now, doesn’t it, but back then, yes I did. It’s true, I had a thing for you.”
I sigh. “In that case, do me a favour. If you like someone in the future, please don’t be a dickhead about it.” My tiny smile breaks the atmosphere a little.
His cheeks turn bright red, but his tone is lighter. “I won’t.”
There’s silence again for a moment until I say, “Year seven, we were twelve, remember? It was the first time I met you, and we clicked, got on like a house on fire.”
“Yeah, we did,” he agrees.
I pause and contemplate what to say next. If I’m going to get this out of my system, I must re-live an awful moment. I purse my lips, close my eyes and let years of hurt and upset come pouring out.
“Now fast forward to age sixteen and you switched.” I look him in the eye and swallow down any fear I had.
I note then, his half-smile drops. “Something happened to you during the summer break because when we went back to school the following September, you changed towards me. Everywhere I went, every corner I turned, you were there calling me a name, throwing insults which, to be honest, wasn’t the worst thing you did.
I could handle the times you pushed me over, bumped into me on purpose, tripped me up as I walked down the corridor.
I didn’t care when you stuck chewing gum in my hair from behind or tipped the entire contents of my bag across a busy school hall.
I could almost handle those things. Want to know why?
” I wait for a beat, all I can hear is my heart pounding as finally, I’m lifting this weight from my chest. “I knew there would always be someone there to help; to tell you, to back off.”
“Like Ash, you mean.”
“Exactly, like Ash. It may not have been much, but he was there to help me up when you kicked me down. He might not have talked you round every time, I don’t think any of your friends were capable of that, but he made up for the shit you put me through.
Ash made me want to fight back, even though I was dying inside.
It was the reason I never backed down—at least, not at school.
“The hardest times were when you caught me at a disadvantage and got your revenge. The other stuff you did when no one was around. You know the worst thing you ever did to me?” He looks up to the heavens, which makes me think he does.
“Remember the time I was on my bike and you made a catapult out of wood? Should I go on or do you know what I’m talking about? ”
He looks me right in the eye, “I can only imagine how it made you feel.” He can’t hold my eyes for long, so looks to his hands.
On the day in question, Scott made a mud and dog shit pie especially for the catapult he’d crafted in my honour.
When he aimed it straight at my head, it was an accurate shot, knocking me off my bike and tangling crap in my long hair.
My legs were scraped bloody, my elbows the same, but more than anything else, he made me feel worthless.
“You have no idea, Scott; no idea at all. Have you ever felt lower than the piece of shit you threw at me? Things couldn’t get any worse.
I was already at a point where my stomach was constantly in knots, and I dreaded every day I walked to school in case you were following me.
There was a point when I nearly gave up going into class because I didn’t want to face you; I just wanted to make you stop. I even considered hurting myself.”
“Calla, shit. I never meant to hurt you so badly. I just wanted to…” he trails off, leaving out the most vital part of his sentence.
“What did you want from your actions, Scott? Please tell me why you went to such giant lengths to make me so miserable? If you really did like me, why did you do it? Did you think I didn’t notice you? Was that the reason?”
“Calla, no. That’s not it. I’m sorry.”
I close my eyes to think. I’m so confused. When I open them again, he is texting. I can’t believe he’s being so callous. “What the hell are you doing?”
“Calla, it’s not—”
“How dare you text in the middle of me pouring my heart out. I’m being straight with you here.
The least you can do is hear me out and have the common decency to give me your full attention.
I want a straight answer, Scott.” I raise my voice at this point and notice Rosie pop her head out the back room briefly.
“This is so hard,” he says to himself then looks to the ceiling.
I examine his face, trying to get a handle on what he’s thinking. “I’m just wondering what the hell is going on in your head. Is there something more sinister behind all of this? Did it make you feel good? Did you get a kick out of it?”
“No, nothing like that.”
Scott remains focused on his phone as if he’s expecting a call while avoiding my eyes. How dare he. I wonder if he gives a shit at all. “Everything alright there, Scott?” I gesture towards his phone. “Not keeping you from anything, am I?”
Then he sighs. “Look Cal, I’m sure you want all the answers now—”
“Oh, don’t bother. You don’t care, not really.
All this false regret and hard to read stuff is grating on me to be honest.” I’m on a roll, unable to stop myself from letting it all go.
“But then you’ve always been unreadable.
Even when the headteacher pulled you into his office and confronted you about how you treated me, or when you were given a bollocking from our form tutor.
I stood there, crying in front of you, but I still never got to find out the cause of all your anger.
It looks as though I still won’t get any answers now. This is a waste of time.”
I’m about to get up and walk away when his hand reaches across the table for mine. “I never meant to hurt you. I was lashing out Calla, I’m sorry. It was my twisted way of getting you back.”
I sit back down, my hands fisted on the table. “For what exactly? If we’re going to move on, please help me make sense of it all because I’m so confused right now.”
His elbows rest on the table and one hand runs through his dark brown hair. “I was jealous. It was pretty obvious you liked Ash and I knew for sure he liked you too. I fell out with him for a while, when I made it clear I saw you first.”
I do a double take. “What? You knew I liked Ash?”
“Kind of. As you said, he was there to help when you needed him; he was always the hero. I could see in your eyes how you felt about him. You gave him this look, I can’t explain.
” He rubs at his forehead, now glistening slightly.
“But then, at the end of the day, Ash was a good mate. He never acted on it, he was loyal to me first and foremost.”
“So, you went to all that trouble just because you thought I didn’t like you in the way you wanted me to?”
“No.”
“No? Then what the hell was it?”
The palm of his hands run down his face, “I’m not sure this is the right moment to—”
“No, no, no. You don’t get out of this. If we’re going to work together, live in the same town and probably see a lot more of each other, let’s get this done once and for all.”
He continues to stare ahead but not at me, then briefly glances up to the ceiling.
“I’m totally ashamed of myself and everything I put you through.
You have to know that.” He takes a deep intake of breath through his nose before looking me in the eye.
“But if you want the truth, then it’s obvious I’ve got no choice but to tell you. ”
“I wish you would Scott because right now, you’re not making sense,” I say defiantly.
“I know and I’m sorry.” He blows out a long breath through his mouth. “Okay then,” he says, as if he’s about to say more but there’s a bang on the café window.
“Cal! Are you in there? Cal? Let me in.”
I look over my shoulder to see Ash’s red face.
I turn back to Scott, about to apologise for the interruption when I see nothing but relief on his face.
He gets up from his seat, picks up the keys and heads straight to the door.
“You took your time,” he says to a breathless Ash who barges through the door.
“Have you told her yet?”
“I’ve been waiting for you, but it was getting close.”
“Sorry mate, I left as soon as I got your text.”
“What’s going on?” I ask Ash with a sideways glance, but neither of the boys get a chance to answer. “Everything alright here?” Rosie calls from behind the counter. “What’s all the commotion.”
“It’s just me, Miss—I mean Rosie,” Ash grins.
“Back so soon? You are keen.” She smiles, then heads out back again.
Ash pulls out a seat next to me; taking my hand when he sits while Scott settles back in his chair, opposite us. I glance between them. “I don’t like the look of this,” I murmur, but Scott doesn't reply. He glances at Ash who takes a slow blink his way, as if to say, – go ahead—it will be alright.
“Okay Cal, I have to ask you a question.”
“Jesus, what now?”
“It’s something pretty big, but both of us have to keep calm, okay?”
My brows narrow. “Okaaay?” I keep looking between the boys who signal to each other with their facial expressions.
“So, here it is. Did you know your mum was seeing my dad for a while?”
I glance at him sideways. “No… I don’t think that can be right. I’m sure I would have known about it.”
“It is right.”
“Are you sure?”