Chapter 15 - Covid #3
“Well, it’s not surprising you don’t know what it means to get lost in a relationship. You’re a man, and I’ve never heard of a man having this issue. Also, there’s a saying that the South is twenty years behind the rest of the country, and you know how women were late to the job market?”
“Yeah . . . my mom ended up having to get a job — we weren’t getting by on Dad’s salary alone — they said my brother and I ate too much.” He laughed. “My grandmothers ‘bout had a fit. But a lot of my friends’ mothers worked, too.”
“But I’ll bet the majority didn’t have lifelong careers in a field they’d chosen and gone to school for, did they?”
“Nooo . . . come to think of it. They mostly worked in retail and offices. Some went back to school and were teachers or nurses. My best friend’s mom was a realtor. She did love that. Made a ton of money too.”
“Well, I always wanted to write, but I knew there was no money in that. I didn’t want to teach — I heard the work is endless.
No time for writing and no money either, especially in the South, so I started out with a plan to become a journalist. That’s what my degree is in.
But late in college, my plan took an unexpected, hard hit.
My father, whom I adored — I was an only child — died unexpectedly, right in front of me.
I tried to help, but there was nothing I could do.
Now, I realize I should have gotten counseling right then .
. . but there was no telling me what to do.
I’ve always been headstrong. Instead of counseling, I got married, right after graduation.
We had planned the wedding before Daddy died, so I did it, but I knew it wasn’t right as I was walking down the aisle.
I don’t know why it wasn’t right . . . whether it would never’ve been right, or whether we should’ve put it off.
I don’t remember much of anything of those first years after Daddy died.
I think I was numb, just going through the motions.
“Mom was two hours down the road from our graduate school, so with no siblings or close family, I ended up driving up and down the road two, sometimes three times a week, spending nights, because I’d call and get no answer, or I’d call and she couldn’t stop crying, or I’d call and she’d answer in monosyllables either depressed or angry.
I was missing too many classes and not getting the work done, so I dropped out.
I’m not sure Mom ever noticed.” Grace looked out the window.
“I knew Daddy would’ve wanted me to be there for her, although, in hindsight, maybe I did too much .
. . but she wouldn’t accept help from anybody but me.
“My husband was in a demanding program of his own. He wasn’t thinking about my career.
Although I should have known better, I forgot about developing my self, my career.
I was adrift . . . no focus, except my mother.
Maybe I was depressed. I had inherited some money.
It was easier to let education and the career slide.
There was no one to point out I was no longer on a path of my own.
Once my husband graduated, we moved back home where it was easy for him to get a job.
As time went on, he forgot about the plans we’d made in college, which didn’t include moving home.
I didn’t forget, but I didn’t think I should leave my mother.
He was working hard. I was not. I got bored.
Bored with the same weekday evenings in front of the tv.
Bored with the same weekends filled with tv sports and pastimes he enjoyed, like hunting and fishing with old friends.
I started spending time with other people, discovering new interests.
We grew apart. We started marriage counseling.
One day our therapist asked if he realized he was losing me.
His response was he had everything he’d ever wanted, and he didn’t understand what was wrong. What more did I want?
“That was such a depressing thought for me — all of life still ahead, but we were already set in stone? A partner who assumed my dreams were the same as his. I felt like I may as well dig a six-foot hole and crawl in it, if there weren’t going to be any changes, any growth.
I asked for a separation. I thought — maybe typically for an only child?
— I could sort through the whole confusing tangle if I had space and no distractions .
. . if I were alone. Virtually all of our friends ended up being his friends — another result of immersing myself in his life.
So, I was alone and empty, and I was the bad guy.
He was hurt, but he quickly found someone else.
We divorced. I resolved to get a life. Then the pandemic fast-tracked this dream into a plan, and here I am. ”
“That’s a sad story. I’m sorry.”
“Thanks for listening. I’m far from blameless, but I’m not going to let it happen again. And I’ve learned dire things happen out of the blue, and the only person you’re sure to have is you. If there’s no you, you’re in for a bad time.”
“I can see why you think that, but if you’d had a partner who’d been more attuned to you and what you were going through, maybe recommended counseling just for you, that might have made all the difference.
You didn’t have that. Isn’t that part of being a couple?
That’s what my parents taught us. I think that’s what they have. ”
“I guess. For some people. Our marriage wasn’t like that.
I hear you, but I take responsibility. I was spoiled, headstrong, and immature.
I doubt he’s ever thought about it.” Grace picked up her coffee and took a big swallow.
“Relationships fall apart all the time for all kinds of reasons. Then you’ve got no one and you’re broken.
The bottom line is your life is your responsibility and including someone else in it is risky. ”
“But with that thinking, there would be no long-term relationships. We can’t know the future, but at some point, with someone, we have to trust and give a relationship a chance. I assume Robby knows all this. What does he say?”
“The same thing as you — that at some point, if you want a relationship, you have to trust and take a leap of faith. And Margie and Jim both say relationships are extremely hard but worth it. That’s what I meant by immature.
I had no clue how hard marriage would be.
And even if somebody had tried to tell me, I wouldn’t have listened.
” She sat back. “And Robby doesn’t know all this.
You’re the first person I’ve ever told.”
Billy’s eyes widened and he sat back. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Well, your friends are right. You’re a good listener.” She gave him a wan smile.
“That’s what friends do. Maybe you need more experience in friend relationships. They’re not one-sided either.”
They sat there, each having one more cookie to finish off their coffee, then Billy said, “Don’t you go up to the lodge about this time every afternoon to check your email?” Grace nodded. “Come on and ride with me. Do you good.”
*******
Grace opened her email and read Robby’s long note.
She hurt for him with Marie being so sick and the show being canceled.
She felt the pull, and it was confusing.
Was it okay to feel this way for him, or was she slipping into the danger zone?
She took a deep breath and told him she wished she were there too.
Hopefully, they would see each other this weekend, but that prospect was looking increasingly dim.
She wouldn’t blame him for not wanting to be away from direct phone service.
Until then, she’d keep working, maybe find someone to get some exercise with — at least a walk. Maybe Kirsten . . .
Robby got Grace’s email right away because he was at Russell’s and his phone pinged.
He was torn about the weekend, missing Grace but not wanting to be out of easy communication with Russell.
Wait. What if he went and got her Friday?
Maybe there would be other options for the boys by then.
He had a perfectly good house and internet most of the time, if she needed to work.
They could at least be together. He’d email her to find a time when she could use the lodge landline, so they could talk about it.
Maybe she would do it. He’d like her to meet Russell and the boys but didn’t want the avalanche of his whole family to come down on her yet.
She’d already said she wasn’t ready for that, and he understood.
The boys came busting in the back door and tackled him. He told them he’d fix them a snack, that he needed to email a friend, and then he would do whatever they wanted. They were happy with that. He emailed Grace and asked for a time to call, maybe tomorrow morning.
Grace was still at the lodge visiting — Billy was right — this was a good tonic.
She’d check her email before she left, knowing Robby could receive mail anytime and might reply to hers.
And he did. He wanted her to spend the weekend at his house.
She understood that perfectly. They could be together, and he could still be in the loop on Marie.
She should agree. He wanted to talk about it in the morning on the lodge phone.
She went out front. “Nan, could Robby and I use the lodge phone about 10:00 tomorrow morning? Shouldn’t take long. ”
“Sure. No problem.”
“Thanks.” She turned and went straight back to her cubicle before she could think anymore and replied, “10 a.m.” Then she walked back to the cabin, enjoying the gentle whoosh of the wind in the tops of pines. She poured a glass of wine and walked slowly down to the point, thinking.
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