Chapter 8 #2
The spiral pulled me under before I could stop it.
The walls were closing in around me. There was a high pitch buzz in my ears.
My voice was nonexistent in my head, instead, all I heard were disappointing words from the two people who’d birthed me.
My sister even seemed hesitant when she was talking to me.
Sure, she knew that I was lesbian, but the rest of this.
My Little in particular, would be very taboo.
Maybe I could find a world where I was okay without my parents, but to lose Josephina was unbearable.
She was my best friend and it hurt to keep this side of me from her. I couldn’t lose her too.
Nicest young man.
The words blurred on my phone screen staring up at me. My mom’s text burned into me like a brand I couldn’t scrub out. Another text came through but I couldn’t focus enough to read it.
Perfect for you.
No, she didn’t mean me. Not this version of me.
Not the girl who went to tea parties with stuffies, who leaned into Mistress V’s steady hand, who felt safe being a Little.
It was the first time that I’d felt seen by others and celebrated.
Cared for. My mother meant the version she wanted: proper, polished, straight.
Today, Mistress V stayed in character as the dutiful escort and guard.
My protector. My… Daddy? Or at least that’s what I’d hoped one would be like.
Gentle with their babygirl. Their princess.
What had I given her in return? How could she be open to or with me if I couldn’t even be honest with the family I was born into?
I knew that this situation was temporary, but the entire purpose of this class and my being here at Rawhide Ranch was to explore myself.
To find my community and build a safe place. But I was—am—a fraud.
“I can’t do this,” I whispered, pacing in tight circles across the carpet. My chest heaved, each breath shallow and sharp. “I can’t—I shouldn’t have—I’m stupid, I’m—”
“Stop.” Mistress V’s voice cut clean through the chaos.
I froze, but my body shook. My hands twisted in my dress, pulling the fabric tight around me. “You don’t understand! If they find out—if they even guess—”
“Whoever they are, they’re not here,” she said firmly. “It’s just you and me.”
“I can’t lose them,” I choked, tears spilling hot down my face. “But I don’t want to stop either, I—oh God, I’m broken, I’m—”
“You are not broken.” Mistress V stepped closer, slow but sure, her presence like an anchor. “You are overwhelmed. You are scared. But you are not broken.”
I shook my head, spiraling deeper. My vision narrowed, the edges of the room grew fuzzy. “It’s wrong, I’m wrong, I can’t—”
Mistress V caught my chin gently but firmly, tilting my face up until I had no choice but to look at her. Her eyes were steady, unflinching. “Breathe.”
“I—”
“Now, Sera.”
Her tone snapped through me, commanding and calm all at once. My chest hitched. I dragged in a jagged breath, then another, but it wasn’t enough.
“Good girl,” she said lowly, her thumb brushing the edge of my jaw. “Again. With me. In”—she inhaled, deep and slow—“out.”
I matched her. Barely at first, but then again. In. Out. My breaths began to sync with hers, the storm inside me faltering.
“That’s it.” Her voice softened, though the steel remained underneath. “Feel the floor under your feet. Solid. You’re not floating away—you’re here. And I’ve got you babygirl.”
Oh god! I’d even forgotten my own method for calming down.
Which made sense because I couldn’t figure out what my five senses were right now.
I see… hear… I see… hear… My knees wobbled, and suddenly her hands were on my arms, grounding me, steadying me.
I collapsed against her chest, sobs shaking through me.
“Told you I’ve got you,” she murmured, holding me tight. “Let it out. I’m not going anywhere.”
I buried my face in her suit jacket, gripping fistfuls of the fabric like it was the only thing keeping me tethered.
It truly was the one thing holding me together.
Well, if you called this together. I felt like I was spiraling and free falling at the same time.
Either way, I had very little concept of what was real and what wasn’t.
The only tangible thing that I could hold on to was her.
She held strong and sure. True and solid. Why couldn’t I have this all the time?
Her hand stroked down my back in slow, sure lines.
“You are not alone, Sera. Not in this. Not ever. Nobody else gets to decide who you are. You do. And I see you. You can be exactly who you are. Nobody can take that away from you. Whoever you are, whatever you choose for yourself is already yours. You only have to claim it, babygirl. The reason this feels so chaotic and out of control is because you keep fighting yourself. Your instincts. Work with yourself and not against it. You’ve got to take control of yourself from whoever you’ve given your personal power to.
No matter who they are, they don’t deserve it.
It’s reserved for you. People can experience how great your power is, never give that away. ”
“But isn’t this what the entire BDSM community is?” Maybe I didn’t understand a damn thing.
“No, babygirl. It’s an exchange of power.
My greatness for yours. To trust a source who values you almost as much as you should value yourself.
Cause I can’t be you. The way that I uphold you is support.
I won’t do the work for you. But I’ll help however I can.
It has to be you that anchors you. Your systems and beliefs.
I’m just a paid actor on the set. You are capable of blossoming into this beautiful–very customized to fit your own needs–rose.
And I can’t wait to see what comes out of the ground.
You’re going to be amazing, baby. So damn epic. ”
Her words cracked something in me. The sobs turned messy, ugly, but she didn’t flinch.
She just held on, steady as stone. I babbled, saying a bunch of stuff that I doubt she understood.
Years of grief seemed to break free and my heart seemed to be crumbling.
I was about to lose everything if what she said was true.
EVERYTHING. And that was a very difficult concept to understand. Why couldn’t they just love me for me?
When the storm finally started to ebb, I pulled back, sniffling, my face blotchy and hot. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I ruined everything. Again.”
Mistress V shook her head once, firm. “No. You had a moment. And you came through it. If I’m right about the things you’re going to face, you’ll probably have more moments like this where you’ll need to use my shirt as your own personal Kleenex box.”
“Oh, god. I’m so sorry.”
“Mistress, Madame, Daddy…” she lifted my chin. “Say it.”
“Mistress… Madame… Daddy…”
She groaned when the last word slipped from my lips. “Not God.” The pad of her thumb caressed just beneath my bottom lip.
I nodded, understanding.
“We’ll weather it as it comes.”
I swallowed hard, speaking just slightly above a whisper. “You make it sound…like it’s not the end of the world.”
Her lips curved, soft and wry. “Because it isn’t. Not while I’m here to help.”
Something warm flickered in my chest, fragile but real.
I believed her. If I didn’t trust Mistress V before, I did now.
Not totally, but I could feel how much she meant what she said.
And aside from our rocky beginning, she’d done exactly what she told me she was going to do.
If this was who she was, for the first time I was nervous about what the end of our time together was going to look like.
Because if she was already getting under my skin and she’d been here a little less than a week, what was another month going to be like?
I stayed tucked against Mistress V’s chest, her hand tracing calm circles down my back until my breathing evened out again. The worst of the storm had passed, but I was left trembling, raw and stripped bare. But right here in her arms, the world felt exactly the way that it was supposed to.
Mistress V leaned back just enough to see my face, her thumb brushing away a tear I hadn’t realized was still clinging to my cheek. “Talk to me, little one,” she said gently but firmly. “What set this spiral off?”
I froze, shame tightening in my throat.
“Breathe, baby.”
I nodded and did as she demanded. When I was able to, I spoke. “It’s nothing. Just… my mom.”
“Nothing doesn’t look like this.” Her tone wasn’t harsh, but it left no room for me to wiggle away. “Tell me.” Stern, unwavering, but still I could feel the nurturing parts of her too. Daddy…
The lump in my throat thickened. I stared down at my hands, fingers knotting together. “She texted me about a boy she wants me to meet. Said he’d be ‘perfect for me’.” My voice cracked on the last words.
Mistress V’s brows knit, but she stayed quiet, letting me push forward.
“She doesn’t know me. Not the real me. She knows the version I’ve let her see—the safe one.
The one who pretends to date nice men, wears cardigans, and smiles at church potlucks.
” My chest ached. “But if she saw this—” I gestured weakly at myself, at the stuffed animal I was cradling between Mistress V and myself, at the colorful cup Mistress V had insisted I drink from at the tea party.
“If she knew, she’d think I was disgusting. Broken. Wrong.”
“You’re none of those things.” The steel in Mistress V’s voice caught me off guard, so fierce it made my eyes snap to hers.
I shook my head, tears spilling again. “She raised me to believe there was only one way to be. And every time I even hinted at wanting something else—something different—she shot it down. She wants me married off to some safe boy so I’ll fit the mold.
” My lip trembled. “But I don’t. I can’t.
I want—” I broke off, choking on the words.
“What do you want, Sera?” she asked softly, like she already knew but wanted me to hear myself say it.
My throat ached. The truth clawed at me, terrifying and liberating all at once.
“I want to be… seen. Like this. All of me. Not just the pieces that make sense to her. I want someone who doesn’t make me feel like a mistake.
Someone like you.” The words came out automatically and I hoped she didn’t cringe away from me.
Mistress V’s gaze softened, her hand sliding up to cradle the back of my head. “Then you’re right where you need to be.”
I blinked at her, stunned. “You don’t think I’m—”
“A mistake?” She shook her head, firm. “No. I think you’re brave for admitting it out loud. I think you’re stronger than you realize. And I think you deserve every bit of care you’ve been too scared to ask for.”
Her words sank into me like sunlight through the cracks of old shutters, warming places I hadn’t let anyone touch. I let myself lean into her, not just with my body but with the truth I’d been hiding for years. And instead of recoiling, she held me closer.
If she’s not mine to keep, dear God, please help me.