Chapter 16
Chapter Sixteen
Seraphina
The weekends for the next month had become my favorite part of life.
The rhythm was perfect: schoolwork during the week, my assignments, structure.
Then weekends with her. With Daddy. She called them “our time,” and they were—safe and warm and full of things I’d never let myself want before.
She gave me rules. She gave me freedom inside of them.
She gave me her bed at night. And she took me on dates.
But all of that cracked the second she told me she had to leave.
“I’ll only be gone two nights, little one,” she’d said, her thumb brushing under my chin.
“It’s an emergency with Emerson. You’re safe here.
I’ll be back before you know it. You can stay in the cabin so you can feel more of my presence while I’m away.
Because I’ll miss our time together, you can stay over Monday and Tuesday to make up for it. ”
I nodded like it was fine. Smiled like it didn’t matter. Pretended like I wasn’t already unraveling inside.
Because two nights might as well have been two months.
I held it together when she left. She gave me extra cuddles, kisses, and even dressed me in one of her t-shirts to wear for the day.
It was a little snug, but that didn’t matter to me at all.
It still smelled like her. So did her bathrobe that I’d wrapped myself in–burrito style.
I had a bad feeling that something would happen while she was away, so I’d been trying to keep busy.
Daddy left me a schedule, but I’d done most of it all ready.
The call came Sunday afternoon while I was journaling in my clubhouse–that’s what I’d deemed the room that Daddy had made for me.
“Seraphina,” Mom said, like she was already disappointed. “We need to talk about setting a date with Evan. He’s been asking, and it’s getting embarrassing to keep putting him off.”
The sound of his name made my stomach roil. “I don’t want to set a date.”
I stood up and exited the clubhouse and sat down in the middle of our bed. I pulled the blanket around me and held on to my new stuffy that Daddy got for me. His name was Vee.
Her sigh was sharp enough to cut me. “You’re not getting any younger. Evan is a good man. You’ll have security, family. Don’t be foolish.”
I chewed the inside of my cheek, heart pounding. “Mom, I told you before, I don’t want this.”
“Don’t start, Seraphina. Stop acting like a child. You’ll do your duty to this family.”
“Duty?” What was this about?
“Yes! Your father and I aren’t getting any younger and we want grandchildren.
Your sister is working on her career and you’re just doodling around with your life as if you’ll be this young forever.
It’s time that you do something meaningful.
Seraphina, I don’t know if you’ll do much better than him on your own.
He won’t care that you don’t take anything seriously.
As long as you’ll carry his babies and be a good wife, I’m sure you’ll make him happy.
” She firmed. “When will you be back from this silly little trip of yours so we can get on with the rest of your life?”
So WE can get on with the rest of MY life? How dare she!
The pressure in my chest exploded. “I can’t. Because I’m lesbian. I have no interest in Eric or any other man.”
“Evan. His name is Evan.”
“Whatever, Mom. That’s not the point. I’m only interested in women and I’m currently seeing someone. There won’t be any blind dates, especially with Evan.”
Silence. For a heartbeat, I thought maybe she’d soften. Maybe she’d surprise me.
Then she laughed. Laughed. “Don’t be ridiculous. You’re only saying that because you don’t want to marry Evan. This is childish rebellion. You’ll regret it.”
My throat closed, tears burning my eyes. “It’s not a phase or a game, mother. It’s who I am.”
“Enough!” she snapped. “I won’t have you embarrassing us with this nonsense.”
I hung up before she could say more. My hands shook as I tossed the phone onto the bed. My chest heaved like I’d run for miles.
I needed her.
I needed Daddy.
I grabbed my phone and hit call on her contact. Straight to voicemail.
Once. Twice. Three times.
“Please call me.” Was the first message I left.
“I need you.” The second.
“Where are you?” The third.
Nothing.
The silence stretched until it felt like it would kill me. My chest squeezed tighter and tighter. I curled up on the bed with my stuffed bear, tears running hot and fast. My head screamed with all the old lies: you’re too much, you’re too needy, no one wants to deal with you.
And she wasn’t here. She wasn’t answering. I tried to relax, but I spiraled, feeling disappointed in myself for dreaming and believing, then in her because right now she felt like everyone else. Not here when I needed them to be.
By the time the cabin door opened that night, I was hollow and trembling.
“Sera?” Her voice filled the house, low and warm, but all I felt was rage.
The entire place was dark and I laid in bed drowning in it.
Daddy turned on the lights, illuminating the cabin as she made her way through. She stepped inside the bedroom, looking exhausted, and I hated that. Hated that she still looked so good when my whole world was burning.
“Babygirl?” Daddy dropped everything and rushed over to me. “What’s wrong?”
“You didn’t answer,” I spat, my voice raw from crying.
Her brows pulled together. “Babygirl, I told you I had an emergency. My phone was off while I—”
“I called you over and over, and you didn’t care!” My voice cracked, too loud. “You don’t have space for me in your life. You left me the second something more important came along!”
Her mouth pressed into a firm line. “Little one, I can’t be in two places at once. If you needed me, you should’ve said so in your text messages.”
“I called! I said I needed you! And you still weren’t there!”
Tears blurred my vision, hot and violent. My body shook as I hurled the words at her, each one heavier than the last.
Her voice dropped, firm but careful. “Sera. Stop. You have to trust me when I tell you that I will show up for you—if you communicate clearly. Screaming at me isn’t fair.
Especially if you called while I was on the plane.
If I would have known that you called, I would have answered.
I would’ve called back.” She showed me her phone and it was dead.
I didn’t care. None of that mattered because I was indeed losing my parents, and there was nothing that anybody could do about it.
The problem wasn’t that Daddy was off seeing about Emerson, the problem was that I was here handling this alone and I had no idea how to cope with this kind of loss.
Breathing hadn’t worked, my calming methods hadn’t.
And when she hadn’t answered… it had become too much.
I broke, sobbing so hard I could barely breathe. I hated her for being the voice of reason. I hated myself for needing her so badly. I hated everything.
And I wasn’t sure if she’d stay. I wasn’t sure if I would. I jumped up out of bed, went into my clubhouse and slammed the door closed. Screw it all.
I didn’t hold back as I cried. Not the screams, groans, or the hiccups.
I wrapped my arms around myself and rocked back and forth until I let out every bit of grief that I’ve carried.
I ignored the knocks to the door. I didn’t bother listening to her as she tried to talk to me through the cracks.
Instead, I dove so far inside myself that I didn’t know if I would ever come out.
I love me, even if nobody else does.
That’s what kept me warm all night long. Well, that and my comfy fleece blanket. Right now I didn’t want to talk to anybody and that included Daddy. Tonight, I wanted to be alone. Tomorrow, I’d face the wrath of walking away from her. I didn’t have the strength for that today.
I cried myself to sleep hoping this was all a dream, but knowing nothing would be any different Monday morning.
I’d still be alone.