6. April 10, 2023 #2
“That’s because it’s not a request. It’s a demand!
” Hanging his head with a sigh, he ran his fingers through his hair, then stood there, hands on hips.
When he finally looked up at her, she could see the confusion in his eyes.
“It’s like this relationship is a fecking whirlpool.
Every time we get close, every time I try to bring you to the outside of the current and free us both, you keep fighting it.
It’s exhausting as hell, and I don’t understand why you keep doing it. ”
Was she the problem? Was holding onto this condition ridiculous?
Inside, she was warring with herself. How could she explain her refusal to him when she couldn’t even explain it to herself?
If he’d just give her something—some rational explanation—maybe she could bend.
“Can you explain to me why you won’t give up the pills? ”
A sigh escaped his lips, and his eyes dulled with pain. Whether it was physical or mental, she didn’t know, but the man was clearly in distress. “I’ve done things, Cherry. Things I can’t ever forgive or forget. They make the voices go away. ”
“The voices?” She was so confused. Was he talking about authentic voices in his head? “I don’t understand.”
“I know you don’t. I hope you never do.”
Now she moved toward him, one hand to his chest, the other to the side of his face.
“You listen to me right now, Aidan Parker. I get that I have an issue with your personal choices, but there is nothing you could do that would make me care for you less. And yes, you’ve done terrible things—albeit necessary for the job—since I met you, and it hasn’t meant a thing in terms of how I feel about you.
You have nothing to feel guilty over, if that’s what all this is about. Just tell me,” she pleaded.
He bowed his head, turning his face to kiss the palm against his cheek. “I don’t feel guilty. That’s the problem.”
“You need to speak more clearly. I can’t read your mind, and none of this is making sense to me right now.”
“I made promises, Cherry. Promises I couldn’t keep. Although my inability to keep those promises wasn’t my fault, I still disappointed people when I failed. So many people. If I give you what you ask, I’m making another promise. I refuse to make any more of them.”
Her eyes searched his. “You’re worried you’ll break your promise? That you’ll give up the drugs and then start again.”
“Yes.” He took the hand that cradled his cheek in both of his, kissed her fingertips, then led it down to her side and backed away from her.
“I can’t give them up, even for you. I wish I could.
But releasing those voices would destroy what little remains of me.
It’s just better that you know I’m no good at keeping promises.
Never have been. To make this one to you?
I’ll only hurt you when I fail, and then your voice will add to all the others.
I couldn’t bear that. Why can’t you be with me just the way I am? ”
“I want to be with you, but I just can’t if this is how you’re going to continue. I can’t explain it. This is nonnegotiable for me. I’m sorry.”
He nodded. “I get it, Cherry. I do. What I don’t get is that you’ve known from day one who I am.
My life has been an open book to you even before I knew who you were.
That’s why this sudden expectation, this requirement to change, confuses me so much.
If you cared for me, knowing everything you know, then why is it a problem now? ”
She opened her mouth as if she was going to answer. How, she didn’t know, because she didn’t have a reason to give him. She just knew this was how it had to be. He cut her off before she could say anything.
“I don’t know how to make it any clearer.
I want you, Esme, and have for the six fecking years I’ve been here.
I will always want you. But you need to understand, sometimes people can’t change.
You have to want me as I am, or we’re just going to keep getting sucked down into the depths of our own misery. ”
He walked up to her, framed her face in his hands, and brushed a kiss across her forehead. It was slow, tentative, and somehow felt so final.
“Maybe it’s best if we just walk away from whatever this”—he waved a hand between them—“is. No more meals. No more hangouts. No more talk unless it’s Tribe related.”
She was both incensed and mournful. There was no one to blame but herself. She’d made the decision that his usage was a deal-breaker. She’d said it out loud multiple times. To give in and change her mind, no matter how much she wanted to, would make her weak. She couldn’t afford to be weak.
Maybe he was right. Pushing their attraction when neither was going to budge was tearing them both apart.
If they caved in, ultimately, they’d end up miserable and hurting each other worse than they were already hurting by being apart now.
He was right. They had to let each other go. Completely. It was better that way.
With a deep inhale to build her fortitude, she made her decision. “You’re probably right. We’re both adults. We can keep it professional.”
He gave a single nod, but he didn’t move right away. He stood, searching her face, rolling his lower lip into his mouth as if biting back something he wanted to say. Then he nodded again, stepped away from her, crossed to the door, and exited the room.
She waited several minutes to give him space to get wherever he needed to go.
Running into him in the hallway right after this would be far too awkward.
Ignoring him might hurt like hell, but she could hide behind her desk and her work.
After all, she’d been doing it for months already since the big revelation of her secrets back in September.
She could keep herself away from him. With time, it would get easier for her to move on and for him to quit holding onto a hope that would never become reality.
Unfortunately, as she headed back to her desk, she knew that for what it was. More fucking lies.