Chapter 11 #2
Everything might make more sense to him with context. “It was about, er, twenty years ago now? Sounds about right. My mom was driving us somewhere, I forget where, and Cooper and I were in the back seat. Cooper was three, I was twelve. We’re a little over nine years apart in age.”
“Got it. Keep going.”
“Anyway, Mom lost control of the car. We slid on the ice and the car rolled. I had some bumps and bruises, but I was okay. Mom was knocked unconscious. Cooper was thrown from the vehicle, and he was pretty badly hurt. As a rambunctious three-year-old, he was constantly undoing the car seat buckle despite Mom’s warnings, and it cost him.
He was just so small, the collision had a huge impact on him.
I was able to crawl through the car, find my mom’s purse, and call 911. ”
“Whoa, at twelve you did that?”
“Fortunately, I was always levelheaded, even as a kid. I knew we had to get help ASAP, so I called. The poor operator had to figure out where we were from the clues I could give her. Ambulance was dispatched, we were all taken to the hospital, but it took two surgeries to put Cooper back together. He healed fine from it, he barely has a scar to remember the accident by, but it triggered something in my mom. I think she blamed herself for it. She’s always been a wine mom, even then, and I suspect she wasn’t perfectly sober that day.
Not that she’d ever admit to it. She shot into being an overprotective parent, and there wasn’t anyone to check her.
Her parents were long dead, so are my dad’s.
My dad works on an offshore oil rig. He’s rarely home. ”
Logan’s face screwed up in a grimace. “So she overcompensated with Cooper, and it’s only gotten worse over the years.”
“In a nutshell. Cooper could do no wrong after that accident. She babied him to the point of uselessness. I, somehow, became another adult for him. Can you imagine? At twelve fucking years old, I was now the man of the house. I had to take care of Cooper. The only escape I got was playing with Asher or Zar, and you can bet I basically lived at their houses to escape the hell my house had become. I moved out the very day I turned eighteen. Still, my mother expects me to take care of Cooper. It’s like she can’t move on from that day. ”
“She likely hasn’t. I take it she never got therapy?”
“Doesn’t believe in it, which is ironic considering she’s the one who needs it the most. My dad stopped trying, almost as if he doesn’t care. I can’t get him to care—no one can. And she won’t change.”
Even while I answered Logan, I marveled at being able to share the story with him.
So many dates wouldn’t have been interested, or they would have politely listened before moving the topic along.
I could tell Logan actively listened. I felt heard, truly heard, and it had been a hot minute since this all had happened.
Something about having this man’s undivided attention felt so incredibly cathartic.
It was almost empowering? It made me want to share everything with him, which was likely not the right call, as that would be overwhelming, but some part of me longed to open up to him.
His hand stole into mine, not to be romantic, but as a comfort. I latched on tight and leeched the warmth from his palm.
“Alrighty, I can see where things went wrong and why.” Logan’s tone wasn’t judgmental, just factual. “Hon, remember what I said the first night I met you?”
“I have to let Cooper hit rock bottom, otherwise he’ll never grow.”
“Ahh, so you were listening.”
“I mean, I was mostly ogling you, but yes, I did listen.”
He grinned. “We’ll come back to the ogling later.
I stand by what I said. In Cooper’s world, there’s no consequences.
Why would he change when there’s nothing to prompt that change?
He can do what he wants, and someone cleans up the mess for him, so his life’s hunky-dory.
I understand that for you, dealing with him makes things easier in the short run.
You don’t have an upset mother in your ear, your brother is settled for the time being, and you can move on.
In the long run, you’re just as much a poison for Cooper as your mother is, and it’ll destroy your life as much as it’s destroying his. ”
“Ouch.” I winced but couldn’t argue. He was right. “I know I need to quit, that I’m part of the problem, I just don’t know how except going cold turkey.”
“That’s precisely what you have to do. I know how hard it is, and it’ll be brutal for the first month or more.
But if you don’t cut them off now, they’ll just get worse.
Nothing will improve. Neither your mother nor Cooper will change because life is comfortable for them.
You have to make it uncomfortable. Or just take yourself out of the equation.
Block your mom if you have to, go low contact until she realizes she’s screwed up.
She might never realize it. I don’t know her, so I can’t guess. ”
Even the suggestion made my stomach churn.
I could envision the fallout without difficulty, and it would be apocalyptic there for a while but…
he was right. As uncomfortable and nauseated as I felt, I needed to do it.
“I don’t think she will. I don’t think Cooper will change either, to tell you the truth.
But you’re right in that I’m letting them run my life, and if they keep doing so, they’ll ruin it.
Like they almost ruined my date tonight with you. ”
“I take it as the highest compliment that you chose me over them.” Logan leaned in and kissed me softly.
“I’m also a little afraid of missing that call.
Y’know? The call telling me he’s dead or severely injured.
He has no goddamn sense when he starts drinking, and he’s been injured more than once from sheer stupidity.
I fear he’s going to get himself killed.
Sometimes just seeing him call sets off my anxiety, because what are the odds he’s finally done something irreversible?
On the other hand…I can’t stop him. I can’t do anything but pick up the pieces.
It’s an uncomfortable tightrope I’ve walked. ”
Logan’s voice was full of sympathy as he said, “It’s a reasonable fear. I won’t deny or downplay it. I know it’ll be hard. All I can suggest is to maintain low contact, at the very least. You are the emotional punching bag for both of them, which isn’t fair to you. You didn’t sign up for that.”
For some reason, his last line hit home like nothing else had.
I didn’t want this. I had done nothing to deserve being their punching bag.
It wasn’t my fault my mother had lost control of the car and had no other adult to rely on.
It wasn’t my fault Cooper had been hurt.
I’d been a child. So why was I carrying the burden for everyone else?
Why was I choosing to carry the burden and not put it down?
When framed like that, it was so obvious.
I felt anger, resentment long buried, building up to the foreground.
I shouldn’t have to deal with the fallout of someone else’s choices. That was wrong.
“Ah,” Logan murmured. “I can see that hit home.”
He had no idea. He’d framed my life in the perfect way for me to see I was the emotional punching bag for my family, and dammit, that shit sucked. It also wasn’t fair. And it was about time I stood up for myself.
I sucked in a breath and let it out slowly. “Logan, if you ever choose to change careers, consider being a therapist. You’d be damn good at it.”
“Ha! I doubt I ever will, but I’ll take it as a compliment. Feeling steadier?”
“Yeah. Let’s go back to throwing axes at a wall. I promise not to break the wall.”
“I mean, you can if you want to. In retrospect, that shit’s funny. If nothing else, try to work out some more frustration.”
“I’m good with that.”
He didn’t ask me to decide right away. I think he knew I needed to process, figure out how I wanted to approach setting boundaries. But I would.
I was done being their punching bag.