Chapter 32
Gage
I had every intention of swinging by my house, checking on Cooper, then immediately going to Logan’s house to grab my slice of cake. My plan was foiled the second my house came into view.
My mother was in the driveway.
She was literally parked smack in the middle, leaning against the back of her car and…crying? It looked like she was crying.
Well, shit, now what? It could be anything from a guilt trip to a screaming match with her when she was in a volatile mood.
Plus this was the third time she’d shown up at my house.
The last time she was here, she’d gotten into a screaming match with Cooper, trying to force him to come home with her.
Which he’d completely shut down by slamming the door in her face. What was she hoping to accomplish?
Sighing, I parked on the curb, mentally bracing myself. I was tempted to call Logan, as he seemed to have a handle already on how to deal with her, but I couldn’t do that to him. He already had enough on his plate today. Guessed I’d have to deal with her.
I walked toward her, and her head came up as I approached, silent tears still standing in her eyes.
She didn’t seem angry, though, for once.
Just…broken? I didn’t know how else to describe her lost expression.
Like she didn’t know what to do or say anymore.
I nearly stopped in my tracks because I’d never seen her look like that before.
Guilt tried to crawl in before I reminded myself she’d put herself in this impossible position.
About five feet away, I came to a stop. Just outside of bloodletting range. She had tried to slap me before, after all.
We stared at each other for a long moment, neither of us speaking. The air was tense, filled with words unspoken, but still no anger from her. Curious.
Finally, her eyes dropped to the cement. “Cooper wouldn’t let me in.”
Oh, thank Christ. Good job, Coop.
“I just wanted to see him, bring him some food at least, but he wouldn’t let me in.” Her eyes came back up to mine, and she looked on the verge of a breakdown. “Why wouldn’t he let me in?”
This might start a fight, but I was tired of sugarcoating things for her. “Because he can’t trust you.”
“What does that mean?”
She seemed to be listening for once, so I was very careful with how I spoke.
I didn’t want to sound accusatory and set her off.
I kept my tone factual, explanatory, but neutral.
“I want you to really think about every other time he’s been hurt.
Or even inconvenienced. How you acted. You smother him, love on him, but you never let him grow from the moment.
You never give him the chance to fix the problem before you throw me into the hot seat.
He won’t let you in because he’s recognized he’s too dependent on you to fix things.
For once, he wants to fix his mistakes himself. ”
She stared at me like my words had bounced right off. “It’s a mother’s nature to fix things for their children.”
“But were you actually fixing anything?”
“Of course I was!”
“Then why did the situation keep getting worse?”
She opened her mouth on a rebuttal and then stalled, no sound coming out.
“That’s what I mean. We can’t trust you. I don’t doubt your intentions, I know you love your sons, but you’ve got to stop helicopter parenting Cooper. He’s a grown-ass man. He’s got to learn from his mistakes, and with Cooper, that means he has to fix his own mistakes. He won’t learn otherwise.”
The joke had been that Cooper was going for a PhD in the school of hard knocks. I thought he’d finally graduated, personally. Thank god for that. I’d been ready to wield the clue bat.
Mom, though, looked lost again. “So I can’t help him?”
“No. Because you don’t know how to help him in moderation.
When to step back and let him do it. Until you’ve learned how to keep yourself in check, you can’t help.
” I softened my voice a little, because for once, it felt like I was getting through to her.
“Mom, the best thing you can do for yourself is go get therapy. I know you don’t really believe in it, but your sons do.
Cooper’s already signed up for a therapist; he starts in two weeks.
He starts rehab on Monday. Logan’s already offered him a job.
He wants to improve, to become his own man.
Don’t you want to match pace with him, stop depending on wine to manage your emotions? ”
No answer. She still looked lost.
Seriously, why had she warped her entire identity into being only a mother and wife? What happened to her being a person? She wouldn’t be so clingy with us if she had her own sense of self. I was certain of this, but I didn’t know how to get her to see it.
“He did…he did call me. He told me he has his mentor. That Logan was his mentor. The man who said he’s your boyfriend…is that who Cooper meant?”
News to me that Cooper considered Logan a mentor. Role model, I knew, but mentor? Honestly, I couldn’t think of a better person to mentor my little brother. Logan would take no shit from him and give him a swift kick to the ass if Cooper messed up. Tough love was what my brother needed.
“Yes, that’s who he meant.”
“The man who threw water in my face?”
“In his defense, you were screaming in a hospital, and it did calm you down.” Some, anyway.
Her brow furrowed. “Why is he latching on to a man like him and not you?”
It was a fair question, although I resented the implication I should be Cooper’s mentor. “Because when he was a teen, Logan was a Cooper.”
She blinked rapidly, like my words weren’t computing. “What?”
“Well, from what he tells me, he was worse than Cooper. He’s got multiple misdemeanors, he used to get into fights all the time, underage drinking, the works.
The difference between them is that Logan had an awakening in his early twenties, and he realized he didn’t want to be that kind of person.
He put in the work to become the man he is today.
That’s why Cooper is looking up to him as a role model.
Logan turned his life around. He knows the pitfalls, the goal lines, all of it.
He can guide Cooper through the rough patches to success better than anyone else can. ”
She glanced at my house, where Cooper was, her brow still furrowed.
I let her think, since for once she was thinking instead of emotionally reacting.
“Is he a good man? Logan?”
Finally, a normal question for a mother to ask. “He’s incredible.”
Her attention turned back to me as she studied my face. “Why do you say that?”
“Well, he’s a business owner. He runs Blackbird, the bar.
No one helped him build the business, either, he didn’t even have a business loan.
He saved for years, working two jobs, to open it.
He’s incredibly calm under pressure, has amazing communication skills, and has a loving openness. I’m incredibly lucky to have him.”
“Why can’t you do this, though?”
“Because for too many years I was forced to be Cooper’s parent,” I said with what limited patience I could gather.
“And because of that, we have a very unhealthy dynamic. If I try to guide him in any way, it’ll backfire.
It always has. We need to straighten out our relationship first and foremost. Better for Logan to mentor, if Cooper wants him. ”
“But you’re his brother—”
“You’ve literally forced me into a parent’s role for years, Mom. Tell me of a single time when that resulted in something good. Just one time. Because I can’t think of one.”
Her eyes fell to the ground again. Her shoulders dropped completely, like a lifeless doll with no will of its own. “You hate me for that.”
“I do. Honestly.” I couldn’t keep my neutral tone anymore.
I was too heartbroken. Too much of my inner child screaming “Why?!” into the void.
My voice turned accusatory and I did nothing to stop it.
“I was a child. Why were you trying to make me his parent? That was your job, you and your husband’s. It never should have been mine.”
“I was struggling alone. Your father was gone, Cooper was so hurt, I just needed help. You were just so mature for your age—”
“Bullshit. I ate a crayon on a dare at thirteen. Don’t assign me maturity I didn’t have.”
She fell silent again.
Were any of my words sinking in? I thought they were. Maybe.
I studied the struggling woman before me, and realized I would never have the mother I yearned for.
Even if she straightened out her life, I could never look at her without some level of resentment.
I didn’t think we’d ever have a true, loving mother-son relationship.
The acceptance of the loss felt like a lot like relief.
“The past few days have made me realize I need therapy too. For what you and Dad did to me. So I’m going to start seeing someone along with Cooper.
I think you should stop drinking and get help too. ”
Her eyes were bright with unshed tears as she stared at me. “Why? If you hate me, why bother?”
“Call it a last ditch effort.” The truth of my statement rang with a depth that surprised even me.
“In therapy, I hope you will come to realize that what you did to us was abuse. That’s why I’m angry with you.
Why we have this unhealthy dynamic between us.
I just can’t keep going on like we have been. ”
She covered her mouth, choking back a sob. “You think I abused you?”
“Parentification is abuse, and that’s what you’re not getting.”
Mom wiped away tears. “If I do therapy, then what?”
“What do you mean?”
“Will you and Cooper finally be with me, like you should be?”
“I can’t speak for Cooper, but for myself? No.”
Tears were back in her eyes and she almost screamed, “Why?!”
“Because I can’t trust you.”
Her jaw dropped. “I am your mother!”