Chapter 36
Logan
I went to the graveside service and not the funeral itself.
I knew how the funeral would be with my parents in charge, and I wanted no part of that dog and pony show.
Even at the grave, I stood well in the back, away from the main family.
I had things to say to this man that I didn’t want my biological family overhearing.
My chosen family, though, they surrounded me on all sides.
My sister, my grandma, Gage, Cooper, Si, Zar, Madison, Asher, Cohen, Riggs, and even Ami and Shanice had showed.
The friends who wanted to come but couldn’t get off work had sent me lots of texts and flowers.
I felt their support, even though they couldn’t physically be present.
None of my brothers chose to come. They hadn’t had a relationship with Grandfather in several years, and while upset at his death, they eventually chose to not come to his funeral.
They would not celebrate a man in death who wouldn’t give them the time of day in life.
Frankly, I understood. I just had things I wanted to say to the man.
Otherwise, I might not have come here either.
I was still on the fence on whether I should be here or not.
The graveside service was short and sweet, with a pastor giving a prayer over it, inviting the family to come up and pay last respects.
Scant few people were here. Honestly, it didn’t surprise me.
My grandfather had been a difficult man to get along with, and his attitude had only gotten worse as he’d grown older.
It was probably why he’d lost touch with so many family members and friends, until he was left with this gathering of a dozen or so people.
What was it about time that changed a person?
I’d been a child, granted, but when I was about ten, I remembered riding around in the truck with him sometimes and often stopping because someone would flag him down to chat for a minute.
He’d been a sociable enough person back then, so what had changed him until he turned into a bitter man?
The service ended and people started crossing the grass to their cars.
I broke off from my group, coming forward to the grave, and looked down.
A polished wood casket met my eyes, not the face of a man I’d once loved beyond reason.
I stared downward for a long moment before trying to take everything I felt and release it through words.
“You disappoint me, even in death. You loved me once. You loved all us grandkids. You used to take us all out to parks and lunches and fairgrounds. You used to delight in us. I have no idea what changed, why you retreated from us so harshly. But I blame you for it. I was a child. You should have stepped up and helped me. I’m not sure if I can ever forgive you for failing me like you did. ”
I sucked in a deep breath, let my head fall back for a second. Took in another cleansing breath.
“When I heard you’d died, I mourned you. Then I got the paperwork from the lawyer and realized I shouldn’t have. You’re such a fucking asshole. If you suspected your son wasn’t your child, you should have addressed that in life, not abandoned him on a mere suspicion.”
That had been an ugly discovery on Tuesday, when the paperwork had been emailed.
I’d read through it with Gage, not quite understanding most of the legalese, but he did.
With as much legal code as he read, not to mention contracts, it was no surprise he was able to understand it better than I could.
What we’d learned had thrown my entire life into a different perspective.
My grandfather apparently hadn’t believed my father was actually his child.
There was a time when he and my grandmother were fighting frequently, early on in their marriage, but they’d made up and had my father shortly after.
Apparently he didn’t suspect anything then, but when he turned fifty or so, Grandma McNair started having multiple affairs.
He was the type to not believe in divorce, so instead he buried himself in work.
And ignored the problem.
Seemed the many affairs and his marriage turning rotten were what had made him so bitter, toward the end.
Why he blamed all of us for his bad marriage was something I couldn’t understand.
It looked like it was around this time he started harboring doubts about the paternity of his son.
My father wouldn’t get a dime of his inheritance until he passed a DNA test.
Which would be funny if it weren’t so sad.
Why did it even matter at this point if he was biologically Grandfather’s son or not?
He’d raised him, attended his wedding, played with the grandkids, all of that before dark suspicions set in.
He hadn’t even known for sure and had chosen to not confront his wife about it.
After he was dead and gone, what did it even matter?
“I hope you don’t pass on,” I finally said. “I hope you linger as a ghost so you can watch what we do with our lives. You don’t deserve to rest peacefully after everything you did to this family. To think I once worshipped you. Only a child could make that mistake, I guess.”
Shaking my head, I turned, intending to rejoin my chosen family.
But instead came nearly face-to-face with my father.
Raymond McNair looked like he’d aged about a decade in the days since I’d seen him. He no longer stood tall and proud but had a slope to his shoulders, and he hadn’t shaved this morning, the bristle only making him look unkempt.
“Logan,” he greeted in a soft, exhausted voice.
“I realize you’re angry with me about not telling you he died—I’m sorry for that.
I was just in such shock. I read the will as he lay dying, wanting to anticipate what his wishes were for his funeral, only to learn he didn’t believe I was his son.
I…” His eyes filled with tears. “I didn’t know what to do. ”
“So it wasn’t because you’re angry with me for taking Erin away?”
“I’m still angry with you for that. Hate you a little for it. But my mother-in-law read us the riot act for how we handled Erin, the funeral, all of it. I realize now I was in the wrong. I won’t ask forgiveness. I know you won’t give it.”
I might, actually, given more time. I didn’t want to stay angry, anger was exhausting. I wanted him to leave me alone. Maybe that was grief talking, as I still struggled with everything I’d learned over the past few days. I let him talk, though. He was clearly getting to the point.
“I just want to ask a few questions. Did he explain, at all, why he gave you the bar?”
“Only a little.” I saw no harm in telling him, and I might get some information from him in return.
“He left a single note attached to the deed of the building. I’m paraphrasing, but it basically said he knew I could manage the bar, since I’m experienced at doing it myself, and he wanted his legacy to live on. ”
Raymond stared at me, mouth quivering under strong emotion. “So myself, and my children, are no longer his legacy?”
“It probably does feel like a punch in the mouth, but he really didn’t think you were his son.
He definitely didn’t think of us as his grandchildren, either.
” Everything made so much sense of how he’d treated me in my young adult years.
If I’d done my math right, he basically decided Raymond wasn’t his son when I was about fourteen, which was when he became pretty hands-off with me.
“Don’t think I was a favorite of his. I wasn’t.
He just didn’t have anyone else to leave the bar to. ”
Raymond’s head jerked in a shallow nod.
“Will you take the DNA test?”
“I don’t know. Do I want anything from a man who didn’t think I was his son?” Raymond looked at me curiously. “Will you keep the bar?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “Gage suggested that I take a year, let grief and anger pass, before making any decisions. I can let the bar run—it’s got good managers and employees—and balance it with Blackbird. I don’t see any harm in letting it operate for now.”
He accepted that, too.
This had to be the most peaceful, cooperative conversation I’d ever had with my father. Strange, how it took death to accomplish this. It felt awkward as hell, with neither of us knowing what to say to the other. I couldn’t say I enjoyed standing here when my skin suddenly felt prickly.
Raymond looked to the side, where Erin still stood.
She wasn’t attached to Grandpa like I had been, as he’d mostly deserted the family by time she was two or so, and she barely had any memory of the man.
She’d been upset at his death but not shaken, not like I had been.
She chose to come today, but she had little to say to a man who had hurt me so badly.
In her own words, she was glad he was dead and couldn’t do further damage.
My sister felt protective of her siblings. She was a good kid that way.
Raymond looked so wistful. “Is she doing okay?”
I didn’t see harm in answering him. In fact, it might do him some good to realize what she was like outside of his influence. “She’s great. I bought her a car, a Volvo, that she cleaned up herself. She’s got her own room at my house. I’m probably going to be inundated with teenagers sometime soon.”
He hesitated strongly before asking, “Is she really…gay?”
“Oh yeah. No doubt there.”
I’d expected a reaction, but not him turning even sadder. He seriously drooped, like a water droplet about to kiss pavement.
“My mother taught me being gay was wrong. Father always endorsed her belief. Now”—his eyes flitted back to Erin, then returned back to me—“with two of my children being gay, and with how hateful my parents were to me, I have to question everything I was raised to believe.”
Stunned didn’t cover it. I never, not in a million years, would have thought to hear those words out of this man’s mouth. Was he actually coming around on his own, realizing he’d screwed up majorly?
“I was so excited to have a little girl, I guess I never could properly see my sons.” A tear fell, and he stared at the ground.
“You’re a better man than me, Logan. You prioritized your family and straightened yourself out.
You didn’t need something like this to realize you were on the wrong path.
Tell me one thing before you go. This man who I see you with, is he dating you? ”
“He is.”
“Is he a good man?”
“One of the best I’ve ever known.”
“You trust him around Erin?”
“If I couldn’t trust him with my baby sister, I wouldn’t be dating him,” I said dryly.
Raymond perked up. “I’m glad. Tell Erin I’m very sorry for how I treated her. I want to reconnect with my children. All of my children. I don’t want to repeat my father’s mistake.”
I had no idea if this attitude of his would continue once the funeral was well past us, but I didn’t trust him.
How could I, after a lifetime of him failing me?
I wanted him to redeem himself. Maybe that was selfish to wish for, and not all of my siblings would agree, but it was too sad to waste this life and not try for some kind of redemption.
“How about you do a little therapy, straighten yourself out?”
His expression turned hopeful. “That’s…”
“I have many, many issues with you and my mother. I don’t know if I can forgive you. You did a lot wrong to me. I absolutely don’t trust you. So you changing isn’t for me, but for you. Because you recognize that you need to change.”
“I suppose, after everything I did to you, that’s warranted. I am sorry, for what it’s worth. Be well and happy, Logan.” He gave me one last sad smile, then turned and walked away.
I watched him go and seriously wondered if this was a fever dream. Maybe I was drunk somewhere and dreaming this up? Reality was stranger than fiction some days.
I walked back to my group.
Erin met me partway and demanded, “What did he say?”
“A lot. I’ll fill you in on the drive back, but essentially, the way Grandfather’s estate was divvied up and the biological accusation made our father realize he’s majorly fucked up his own family based upon an angry man’s belief system.”
Erin’s jaw dropped. “Oh my god.”
“Yeah, didn’t see that happening either. But he was very sincere. Told me to tell you that he’s very sorry for how he treated you. He even apologized to me.”
“Oh my god!”
I shrugged, because what else could you say?
Gage came up to join us, sliding an arm around my waist. “Ready to go back?”
He’d been such a solid support ever since that moment at Blackbird when I’d broken down completely. God, I loved him. I felt sappy sometimes when I looked at him.
“I want to thank everyone for coming, but then yeah, we can go back.”