32. Colby
THIRTY-TWO
Colby
I’m not mad at Lane for bringing up legitimate concerns, but there’s a reason I haven’t gone into too much detail with Novi about worrying for my career.
Seeing Novi with the others from the Collective, where he’s comfortable enough to show me affection in front of them, him taking a step by using rainbow tape on his stick, he’s slowly gaining that confidence he’s been lacking.
At least when it comes to his identity. He has more than enough confidence in every other aspect of his life. Maybe a little too much.
He’s been attentive and sweet all night, as if that’s what I need to ease my worries. They only make them worse. But when he’s touching me, looking at me the way he did that very first night seventeen years ago, everything else floats away.
If I’m completely honest with myself, the fact I so easily turn off my thoughts about my future when I’m with him already tells me that I’m willing to make him my priority. That doesn’t mean it’s a smart decision. Especially when I don’t exactly know where Novi’s at emotionally.
We’re together, and we’re exclusive. I’ve met his sister and niblings, but past being able to be an out couple once he retires, we haven’t exactly said we’re in it for the long haul. Then again, if we’re talking about being together two years from now, that should be indication enough for me.
But it’s not.
Because I’m putting everything on the line here. Before, it was Novi, but with Elena’s stubbornness resembling his, I have no doubt he’ll come out before Elena leaves Russia. I get the feeling she won’t leave at all.
Novi’s happy to have us the way we are, and he’s eager to come out, but once he does, will he really be happy settling for the first guy he’s been with?
If I think back to the first guy I ever tried to date after I came out, I’m not filled with good memories. Back then, I thought all relationships were filled with insecurity and holding on so tight they’d get claustrophobic and disappear for days.
Turns out, no, he was just a fuckhead who wanted his cake and to eat it, too, and always made me feel like his cheating was my fault.
Not that I’d be that kind of toxic with Novi, but shouldn’t he experience that before realizing I’m the ultimate catch? Shouldn’t he make dating mistakes so he knows for sure if I’m the one for him?
“You are still worried,” he says as I pull up to his house. Usually when I come over, I park my car in his garage so no one can see, but he won’t have his clicker with him seeing as he left his car at the rink.
“Worried isn’t the right word.” Don’t ask me what the right word is.
“If you lose your job, I will get you new job. Better job.”
“I appreciate that, but if I get fired during my first season in the NHL, there’s no coming back from that.” And I’ve already given up on one dream job. I don’t want to lose this when I just got the opportunity, but I’m also at the point where I don’t want to give up Novi either.
“We’re making this secret work. We can keep doing it.”
“Maybe not if we’re seen sitting in your driveway at odd hours of the night.”
“I’ll go open garage.” Novi jumps out, and I take a deep breath and try to convince myself not to freak out about everything yet.
Novi’s right when he says we’re acing this secretive thing. I don’t have to worry about the consequences right this second.
The garage door slowly opens, and even though I’m sitting here, clouded by doubt, I realize that Novi not only deserves happiness, but he also deserves honesty.
So I pull into the garage, climb out of the car, and follow him inside.
“You want drink first or go right to bed?” Novi pulls me toward him by the lapels of my suit, and as tempting as it is to choose to go to bed, I need to give him something more than that.
Even if it’s putting my heart on the line, I want him to understand that my fear comes from losing both things I care about more than anything else.
“Let’s have another drink first.”
“Are you trying to get me drunk? Because you don’t need to. I am what they call a sure thing.”
“It’s not that. Trust me when I say I’m eager to get you naked so I can make you forget the rest of the world with my mouth?—”
Novi groans. “I take back my offer for drink. No drink. Only sex.”
I grip his hand. “How about talk first. Then sex.”
“Is it more about your worry?”
“Sort of.”
His hands land on my shoulders and make their way down to my biceps, where he squeezes. “We will work something out.”
“It’s easy to say that, and I want to have that kind of faith, but the truth is, I’m worried because I’m risking everything for something that might only be a fling.
If you really see a future with me, then you are worth the risk of my career.
If you think you might want to date around after coming out, then … I can’t keep playing this game.”
“What game?”
“The one where we’re together but only in secret because we have too much on the line. I wish I could see into the future and know that everything will work out and that I’m not about to have my heart broken or get fired, but I don’t know that either of those things won’t happen.”
“You’re worried I’ll break your heart? Does that mean you are putting it in my hands?”
“It means I want to, but I’m terrified it won’t be worth losing everything for.”
He lowers his forehead to mine. “I will cherish your heart always.”
I swallow hard. “Always? What if I get fired, and then I grow resentful, and I treat you like shit, and?—”
“That won’t happen.”
“How do you know?”
“Because the same way you need to trust I won’t do anything that could hurt you, I need to do the same. Because you don’t have my heart in your hands: you already own it.”
My breath is stilted as I try to suck in air, and he’s making that thing happen again. He’s making all those doubts disappear until they’re so far in the back of my mind I can’t even see them anymore.
I lean in and take his mouth with mine, plunging my tongue inside.
Images of our futures with each other flood my brain, taking up space where my worries were.
I see us with our family—his sister and niblings, his parents, my parents, and us adding our own additions of tiny humans and fur children.
I can see Novi staying home and teaching them how to be big and scary like him while I’m on the bench as a head coach. It all looks perfect. It feels right.
But if I truly needed all of that, I’d have the strength to stop this. Right here. Right now.
I want that future with him more than I have ever wanted anything else in my life.
More than anything . Including the NHL. Including coaching.
Because if I could have that future with Novi, I’d be willing to compromise what kind of coach I could be.
I loved D1 hockey. I also loved teaching the younger kids.
I love being a coach, and with Novi all but confessing he’s falling for me as much as I’m falling for him, the level at which I do it doesn’t seem so important anymore.
I don’t want to give it up, but I will. For him.
“Please tell me we’re done with the talking now,” he says against my lips.
I pull away from him and reach for his jacket at the same time, shoving my hands inside and slipping it off his shoulders. “So done.”
“Thank the hockey gods.”
It’s a messy trail of discarded shoes and clothes on the way to his bedroom, but while we’re frantically pawing at each other, it’s not about rushing this.
It’s about needing that closeness, skin on skin, hard body against hard body.
It’s about promising each other through physical touch what our mouths aren’t ready to say yet.
It’s giving each other the trust needed to let ourselves free-fall into love.
We continue to kiss. I grab his ass and push our hips together, trapping our hard cocks between us.
Novi ruts against me, and it steals the air from my lungs. It feels so good to be like this with him. Tingles shoot all over my body, and goose bumps fill my flesh.
He runs his hand down the middle of my back, and his fingers slip into the crease of my ass. I pant into his mouth as my hips surge forward, trying to get his hand lower. The anticipation of his fingers stretching my hole makes my body warm all over, but it never comes.
Novi removes his hand and places it on my hip. He gently pushes me away from him, and when I open my eyes, he’s already staring at me.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
“I want to bottom for you.”
That idea excites me, maybe too much, because my dick throbs at the thought, but I want him to be sure. “You don’t have to.”
“I want to.”
“Because you’ve thought about it or because you want to prove a point about how serious you are about me?
You don’t have to bottom for me to believe you.
I do believe you.” I cup his cheek. “And I would never want you to do something outside your comfort zone because you felt like I needed it. I don’t need it. I only need you.”
“Then have me. All of me.”
I suck in a sharp breath. “Then get on your hands and knees.”
I don’t mean for it to sound growly, but it comes out that way, and Novi shudders.
“It’s official,” he says and steps out of my arms. “I will not be able to take direction from you at work without getting hard.”
“I’m offended you don’t already. All you have to do is be in the same room, and I ache for you.”
Novi gets on the bed, and I grab supplies from his nightstand.
Not going to lie, it’s been a while since I took someone’s ass virginity, so I’m nervous as hell, but I’m glad he’s chosen to do this with me and not some random guy in a glory hole somewhere. I’m going to make sure he enjoys it, even if it means taking our time.
I approach him as he looks absolutely sinful with his ass in the air while resting on his elbows.
My knees hit the bed behind him, and I crawl my way in between his legs. I lean forward and plaster my front to his back, then kiss along his shoulder blades. “If you don’t like any part of it, tell me, okay? I want this to be a good experience for you.”
He looks at me over his shoulder and says, “I trust you.”
And in this moment, I realize I trust him too. With everything. Even my heart.