35. Novi
THIRTY-FIVE
Novi
My days are spent waking up with Colby and falling asleep with Colby—on the days he is finished work early enough for him to meet me before I crash.
We eat together and celebrate together and squeeze in games of golf in a few free moments.
Turkey comes with us to play golf because we can play that off as actual teammates and an assistant coach being friends.
One day, we’ll be able to go out and play by ourselves without the paranoia of someone asking why, but if this is what being in a relationship is like, I am obsessed.
That said, every time we talk about his coaching career or what happens next, he closes off to me. I think it is subconscious from him, but I am a very intuitive man, and I can tell when he’s trying to hide something.
I know what that something is as well.
His worry.
He is still worried about what my coming out will do for his career.
The thing is, I might have decided that I want to come out, but I haven’t figured out how to actually do that. Elena and the kids are back home, Ivan is busier than ever with work, and I get their happy family photos of her growing belly every week.
I’m a very proud uncle, and one day, Colby will also be the uncle to my gremlins as well. Even if they do still scare him.
I’m heading for the locker room, and I smile as I pass the supplies closet. Maybe I mastermind getting him alone somewhere again; the thought of hooking up at work is hot.
As much as that fantasy teases me though, I know it won’t happen. Colby has been even more distant at work than usual, and I understand that he is trying to protect his job, but I wish that it didn’t need protecting.
Our relationship is beautiful and wholesome—we should be allowed to flaunt the perfection and make everyone insanely jealous of our love.
Even if I still haven’t said it yet.
I’m not scared. I’m waiting. The last thing I want is to go flinging that word at him and have it get lost under all his worry.
My phone buzzes with a dramatic text from Ezra about their game last night. They lost to Buffalo, and Asher Dalton has been texting him photos of different animal poop all day.
Seriously, where is he getting all these photos?
I laugh at the message and tap the microphone button.
Me:
His social media has him checked in at the zoo. There is a photo and everything.
Ezra:
He went all the way to the zoo just to taunt me?
Me:
It says he has a day with his siblings. Maybe it was lucky timing?
Ezra:
You don’t know how evil he is. I’m willing to bet he called them all after his win last night so he could put this evil plan into place.
Me:
You could stop opening his messages?
Ezra:
Leave them … unread? When someone is giving me attention? I thought you knew me better than that, bestie.
I snort and tuck my phone back into my pocket because I do know Ezra. I know I will be texting him all day unless I put an end to it, and with practice about to start, I don’t think Coach would be happy with me running drills with my stick in one hand and my phone in the other.
I am talented enough to do it, of course, but it wouldn’t be sending a good message to the others.
We’re having a strong season, are in grasp of making it to the playoffs, and it’s hard to think that my second last season is almost half over.
More than half over if we don’t make it to the playoffs.
I’ve had a long and successful career, but it doesn’t stop the ache behind my ribs at the thought of it all being over and behind me.
This must be what Colby is struggling with. Unlike me, his career is only beginning, and how would I feel if I’d been thrown out my rookie year? If I’d never had the chance to prove how great I am?
Much like Colby in his short AHL career.
He’s already lost one dream, and while he wasn’t NHL player material, he is head coach material.
He’s great at his job. I’ve seen him in action, I’ve watched past games from Penn State last year, and I know deep in my bones that he’s going to be one of the best.
So long as he gets that chance.
I need to make sure that happens for him.
I reach my locker and dump my bag in my cubby. Turkey is testing his ankle beside me. During our last game, he was taken off the ice in the second period, and he did not come back.
“You good?” I ask.
“Yeah, I’ve been getting too aggressive in my stops. Coach Kessinger said this would happen and look at me now.”
“Over-rotated?” That’s what they were speculating when he injured it.
“Looks like it. But the pain is gone now, so they’re just being cautious.”
“Good. I need you out there.” I’m about to say more when my phone vibrates again. I assume it’s Ezra and am about to ignore it when the buzzing continues, and I pull it out to find a call. From Elena.
“What’s up?”
“What? I can’t call to talk to my little brother?”
I laugh and switch to Russian. “You can, but if you’re calling to bully me into using more Pride tape, it isn’t going to happen . ”
“You underestimate how convincing I can be.”
“And you underestimate how stubborn I can be.”
Elena makes a “pfft” sound. “No one could underestimate that, Radimir.”
“We are getting ready for practice. Can I call you back later so you can finish insulting me then?”
“Nope, this won’t take long.”
Something in her voice catches my attention. “Is the baby okay ? ”
“The baby is fine, Ivan is fine, the kids are fine, and so am I, thanks for asking.”
“Obviously, I know you’re fine. ” Why would I bother asking about her when I’m talking to her? Besides, it’s Elena. Nothing gets to her.
“You’ll never guess where I am now,” she sings.
“If you’re calling me from the toilet ? —”
She huffs. “Move on, that was one time.”
“I am scarred.”
“You’re an idiot is what you are. Besides, I was in the bathroom, not using the bathroom. When you’re a parent, you’ll understand it’s the only place you can hide, and even then, it’s not a guarantee.”
“Why would I want to hide?”
“You’ll want to hide. Trust me on this.”
From her demons? I’d understand it. My children will be perfect.
“I can hear you thinking about how perfect your children will be—you’re not subtle. And I can’t wait for the day you admit you’re wrong.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever admitted that.”
“Well …” I finally place the tone of her voice. Excitement. “Hopefully, you’ll be able to admit it sooner rather than later.”
“Why?”
“I’m in London. I flew in yesterday, had a meeting today, and … I think this is it.”
I’m sure I know what she’s saying, but I also don’t want to get ahead of myself. “This is what?”
“After I got home, Ivan and I had a long talk. We’ve always wanted to travel. He needs to take a step back from working so hard, and with the baby, and you and ? —”
“Get to the point.”
“I’ve been offered a job. When we agreed that I could see if there was any interest for a TV chef in other countries and leave it up to the universe to decide, neither of us realized how much interest there would be. I don’t know if you know this, but apparently, I’m kind of a big deal.”
“Of course I know this,” I say, trying not to get too excited. “You’re related to me.”
“I can hang up at any point. Just so you know.”
“Fine, fine. You are wonderful and amazing and so talented. Why are you in London?”
“I’ve been offered a celebrity judge position on a cooking show. They flew me in to talk numbers. I had to get an agent and everything. It’s overwhelming and strange, but they offered me a lot. Like, a lot. Like, move the whole family here, give Ivan a year off with the new baby, a lot.”
I’m stunned. Yes, I’ve always been proud of Elena and everything she’s accomplished, but this sounds like a whole other level. “I offered you that kind of money,” I remind her.
“And I said no. I don’t want your money; I want my money.”
“I’m very proud.”
“Careful, little brother, or I might be the most successful Novicov before long.”
“I’d be worried if you weren’t a Kuzmina now.” It’s still taking me a minute to process it all. “I didn’t think you wanted to move from Russia.”
Her sigh is long, and it gets quieter in the background. “Honestly, I don’t. I’m struggling with the idea of packing up our home and moving somewhere that we’ll be the different ones. Alexei’s English isn’t great yet, so daycare will be hard for him, but …”
“Yes?”
“How can I not do this? We’re happy at home, but we can be happy here too. Ivan will work so much less. He’ll have more time with the kids, and … this way, you get to be happy too.”
I drop down onto the bench, elbows on my knees and hands in my hair. “You’re serious?”
“Yeah. I’ve already accepted the offer. It’s happening.”
It’s happening.
It’s fucking happening.
A lightness hits my chest that I’ve never felt before, and it takes me a moment to realize how stressed I’ve been over my decision. Elena might not be coming here with the rest of our family, but she’s always done her own thing.
“Why … why now?” I choke out.
“Colby, obviously. It’s not fair that the two of you have to be so careful, and I’ve never seen you as happy as you are with him. Plus, we’re getting older. I selfishly want nieces and nephews for the kids to grow up with, so you need to get a move on.”
She’s serious about this. It’s just such a mindfuck to try and wrap my head around. Elena is finally leaving, and once she does, I have nothing else holding me back.
I get to have it all.
The Pride tape.
The advocacy.
Being a role model to the kids who need it.
I can volunteer and make social media posts and walk in Pride parades, but even more than that, I can be me.
“Thank you,” I say in English, throat tight.
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
“Okay, I better go because I’m not going to let my little brother make me cry. Bye.” She hangs up before I can say anything else.
My face hurts from smiling as I set my phone beside me.
“What was all that?” Turkey asks.
“My sister is moving to London.”
It takes him a second, but slowly, the awareness fills his eyes. “Oh, wow.”
“Wow. Yes, wow.” I stand up, feeling so happy I might burst. “I want to say something,” I shout over the conversation in the locker room.
It immediately pulls attention from my team.
All I want to do is laugh, but if I start, I won’t know how to rein it in or control it.
Giving some long, big, heartfelt speech isn’t me.
So instead, I pull up the words I’ve always wanted to say and never could.
“I’m gay, bitches!”