Chapter Fifteen
Marcello
He’s glitching. His brain is glitching and I don't know how to reboot him. Any moment now he’s going to keel over and make me drop a bike I just spunked three hundred quid on so I can catch him.
“I’m sorry, what?” he splutters.
Okay, so I admit it wasn’t my finest delivery. But I’ve been trying to say those words for the best part of forty-eight hours. It had been my intention to proposition Giles yesterday after our run, but I’d chickened out and I’d had next to no sleep the night before as I’d tortured myself about it.
But now I’ve done it, I’m instantly regretting it. Because Giles doesn’t only look shocked. He looks downright appalled.
I sigh inwardly. At least I know now. He’s not attracted to me. Whatever we shared in the shower, or over a pub table the other evening, was all in my head. It was all in my overactive and wayward imagination.
“Forget it,” I say and then raise my hand at one of the shop fronts on the opposite side of the street. “Oh, is that the place you mean?”
Giles is quick to knock my hand right down and turn so he’s standing in front of me.
“I… I can’t just forget it,” he mumbles. “Why did you… Why did you just say that?”
“I shouldn’t have,” I say in a rush. Holding his intense eye contact feels impossible so I find a pebble on the ground to fixate on instead, kicking it with the toe of my trainer.
“But why did you?” he presses.
I tut as I look back up at him. His blue and green eyes are no less powerful. They feel like the sea on a choppy day, unrelenting and unstoppable. “It was this stupid idea I had.”
Giles crosses his arms, and it only emphasises the size of his biceps and the stretch of the shirt material over his chest. It had made my heart actually ache when I saw him approach me on Shoreditch High Street earlier today.
I’ve never seen him in anything other than his suits or gym clothes so to see his casual wear had surprised me.
Because it was anything but casual. His shirt is ironed to perfection and I’m pretty sure his jeans are dry cleaned.
“I’m listening,” he prompts.
My shoulders sink and I adjust the grip on my bike so it rests against the back of my legs.
I don’t think I can get out of this. I have to explain myself, and it will be mortifying, but at least I know it’s not going to change anything between Giles and me.
Now I know he’s not interested. Maybe we can even laugh about it over our chicken and rice at this place he recommends.
Yes, laughter will be good for me right now. That and a wank and a good night’s sleep, in hopefully that exact order.
“You know what we were talking about the other day, about how you knew you were pansexual?”
“Yeah,” he says slowly, a small frown knitting his brows.
“Well, my friend Kris said the same thing. That she finally knew she was gay when she finally did… stuff with a woman.”
“Okay,” Giles says and it sounds like a question.
“So I was thinking that was what I need to do.” I feel my leg start to shake.
Giles blinks at me and his head pulls back. “Because you think you’re gay?” The shock is loud in his tone.
“No, bisexual. I mean, I think. I don’t really know. Which is why I was thinking I needed to fuck a guy and you’re the only guy I know who likes to fuck guys so…”
“You figured I’d just step up and do it?”
My stomach flips. Foolish doesn’t come close to describing how I feel at hearing him say those words, in that incredulous way.
“Fuck, I’m an idiot.” I lift a hand up to my head and rub my forehead.
My Italian genes then take over and my hand then starts to fly around as I continue.
“It was fucking stupid, okay, I don’t know why I said it, why I even thought it.
I really shouldn’t have. It was stupid. The stupidest. I am the biggest idiot. ”
Giles unfolds his arms and one of them catches hold of my overactive limb. “Stop. You are not the biggest idiot.”
“I’m pretty sure I am. I just asked you to fuck me based solely on the fact you’ve fucked men before.”
“Actually,” Giles’ lips curl up into a crafty smile and I’ve never been so pleased to see his moustache wiggle, “you didn’t even ask me. You just said we should fuck.”
“Merda, so I’m the rudest biggest idiot.”
“You are neither of those things. But I do sense you may be a bit confused about… your sexuality, am I right?”
It feels like my whole body loosens with relief at somebody else not just knowing this but also defining it perfectly. “Yes, a little.”
“And is there any particular reason why?” One of Giles’ thick eyebrows rises a little and it’s difficult to tell if he’s really smiling under his moustache or doing something else. Smirking knowingly, perhaps?
“It’s probably my mid-life crisis. Can’t afford a sports car and I’m not married nor do I have a secretary so no illicit affair with my assistant.”
“So you just randomly started to think you’re bisexual?” Giles’ tone drips with I-call-bullshit, and I have to bite back my embarrassed laugh.
“Fine. So there’s this guy,” I say and I don’t know why I say that of all things.
But I also can’t imagine being honest with Giles about what I feel.
I think I would rather die than actually say the words, ‘I think I fancy you.’ to him, especially now I know he’s not interested. “At swimming training.”
“Swimming training?” Giles eyebrow climbs higher. “I didn’t know you started swimming training already.”
That’s because I haven’t. It’s a lie. All of this is a big fat lie.
“Yeah, just last week,” I lie a bit more.
“And you already met someone you think you like?”
“Yeah,” a rough laugh leaves my lips, “he looks amazing in yellow Speedos.”
“He must do.” Giles nods thoughtfully. “So you want to know if this is really a crush or not?”
“Yeah, kinda,” I agree. I mean, that much is true.
“Then why don’t you just ask him out?”
I feel the need to shift my weight, fidget on my feet but that would literally give away how I’m very much thinking on my toes right now. “He’s straight.”
“Oh,” Giles says and his face is very… blank.
“Yeah, so I maybe fancy him. He doesn’t fancy me,” again, the truth, “but regardless, it’s got me thinking that I might be bisexual.”
Giles inhales deeply through his nose. “You know there are… apps for these kinds of situations.”
“I’m sure there are but I…” I hold back what I want to say next.
It’s too much. It would reveal far too much.
“Let’s just forget I said anything. Can I blame my ADHD?
I think I’ve been hyperfixating on it and sometimes when I do that, it can normalise some really less than normal thoughts, so when I do blurt them out, I don’t actually realise how weird I’m being. ”
Giles’ forehead creases. “I don’t think you’re not normal. I think this is a good thing. I think everyone should question their sexuality at least once in their life.”
“Well, I’m definitely ticking that box.” I smile weakly.
Giles hand comes out and grips the top of my arm. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
“I’m not being hard on myself,” I say at the same time that I think to myself, that’s exactly what I’m being.
“Like I say, there are apps you can use. I am confident you’d find a man or two who would be up for letting you explore your… your desires.”
My body decides to assault me with two very different consecutive actions. First it shudders at the thought of a strange man or two kissing me, holding me, touching me. And then that melts away as Giles says the word, “desires” while holding my eye contact in that intense way he does.
“But you don’t want to be that man?” I ask, because I have to. I have to know for certain that he’s absolutely not interested.
Giles drops his hand and that should be answer enough but it doesn’t stop him from delivering a final blow. “No, Marcello, I don’t think it’s right I’m that man.”
I push a long breath through my lips. “Okay,” I say and I nod. “Are things… are we going to have to stop training together now?”
Giles looks almost as shocked as when I suggested we fuck. “Why would we do that?”
“Because I went and made things weird by saying we should fuck?”
It could be my imagination but Giles blinks the beat after I say “fuck” and then swallows while his jaw is tense. “You didn’t make things weird. I mean, I don’t want to stop training together. Do you?”
“No!” I say quickly. “God, no.”
“Then we’ll keep training together.” Giles smiles, looking pleased. “And you still want to grab lunch together now?”
“Sure,” I say, hoping that the nausea I feel at his rejection will pass in time for me to eat solid food.
I expect Giles to turn and walk on but he pauses before he does, looking up at me. “You know, any man would be lucky to be your first,” he says and then he smiles again, this time with a look of slight preoccupation, before walking on.
*****
“I think I’m going to get you to make all my decisions for me in life,” I say, swallowing yet another delicious mouthful of begun bhorta, an aubergine dish the smiling man behind the counter recommended.
“You know where to buy the best sports clothes. You know where to find the best food. You even knew all the right questions to ask about a second-hand bike. Can I just hire you to live my life for me? I think you’d make me very successful. ”
Giles wipes his mouth with a napkin and there’s a small grin once the paper towel has swiped over his lips. “I happen to think you’re already very successful.”
I snort. “You’d be the only one.” I deflect his praise. I also feel stupid for previously thinking these little compliments he gives me now and then were anything other than Giles being what he is, a bloody nice human.
“Also, don’t let my suits fool you. I do not have my shit together.” Giles takes another big bite of rice and I have to look away when I find my eyes pinned on the working of his jaw. I have no idea how I’m going to get over this ridiculous crush of mine but I have to at least try.