Chapter 24 #2
She sniffs, and I open my eyes as she swipes her cheek—my best friend. “I guess we both have to quit running and hiding from the things that scare us. Maybe it’s time we figure out who we’re gonna be now.”
She holds my gaze a moment longer before turning and descending the steps. I watch her cross the street and climb into her car. I hold my breath to contain the sob that’s on the verge of breaking me.
I swipe my tears away and drop to the top step, needing a minute to ease the burn of her raw words. The ones that only hurt so damn bad because they’re likely filled with truth.
Only a best friend can do that—call us out and force us to face ourselves to give us a chance to be free of all that holds us back from being who they know we truly are. It doesn’t mean it’s less painful. Sometimes, love hurts .
I watch her car disappear down the street, knowing she’s absolutely right but not having any idea what to do about it.
I’m trying the best I know how. With Miles, I want to do right by Ollie and Frankie, but I also can’t let him jerk me around.
I can’t keep leaving space for him in their life when he hasn’t earned it.
I used to be so sure of everything I wanted and what I was working toward.
But now, I wonder if I’m trying to shove old dreams into a life that doesn’t have room for them.
Or maybe I’m hiding behind them because I don’t have a clue what life looks like without them giving me direction or purpose.
Maybe I’m scared of where I’ll end up with nothing guiding me.
The screen door pushes open and closes behind me, and I swipe my cheeks with my sleeve, drying them quickly.
“You ok?”
I squeeze my eyes shut tight at that soft, low tone, guessing he saw our conversation play out from his chair.
Fan-fucking-tastic.
“Yeah.” I sniff, clearing my nose. “Just the truth really sucks sometimes.”
His boots land on the step below, and he takes a seat beside me. We sit in the silence of the brisk, gentle evening breeze for a few moments.
If I’m going to stop hiding, maybe this occasional, abrasive, blunt grump is the one to test it out on. I’m pretty sure I don’t have to fear him sparing my feelings.
I wipe my nose on my sleeve, curled around my fist for comfort.
“Do you ever feel like one of those dogs chasing after the fake rabbit? You’re running as hard as you can, but you might get to the end of the race and find out you’ve been punked?
” I feel his gaze drift down to me. “Or worse, you realize you put the dummy out there to begin with, so you only have yourself to blame for all the wasted time and energy and the absolute mess you’re left with. ”
“I’ve chased a stuffed bunny or two.” It’s all he says .
He sits quietly, and I drop my head onto my bent knees. “I have no idea what I’m doing or what I’m supposed to do. I think instead of a fake rabbit, I might be chasing my own damn tail.”
“What do you want, Sarah?” His calm, deep voice asks the million-dollar question.
I pull myself up. “That’s just it. I used to know, but now .
. .” I stare at the street, needing it to give me direction.
“I want to be the woman I used to be.” The words bleed from me, and it’s agonizing to admit it.
“The one who knew exactly what she stood for and what she wanted and didn’t give up.
I want to be brave and not give a single shit what anyone thinks or if anyone believes I can’t make it. ”
“Who doesn’t believe?” His question is soft but skeptical.
“At the moment. . .me.” The truth stabs me square in the chest.
I inhale a deep breath and blow it out. “I’ve always wanted to be a lawyer.
I want to help people and make a difference.
It was my plan. I did all the right things and was on my way.
” I glance at him, deciding not to hide this time, at least not from him.
“But I got sidetracked by the wrong guy and made a lot of stupid decisions, sacrificing myself in the process.”
I wipe the tears that won’t quit flowing, “Now, Ollie and Frankie are my life. They’re everything, and I’m terrified I’m screwing up more than I already have. I don’t know how to do both. Be the kind of mom I want to be, keep up with school, and work the hours it would take me to get there.”
He glances at me, and his eyes linger for a second, but I keep my attention on his withered yard. “Is that what you still want?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know. I moved here to start over with a job that would help me climb my way back, but.
. .I’m not going anywhere. I think I’m stuck in the same damn place.
Or what if it was the wrong plan all along, and I just didn’t know it?
” I let my head fall back. “I’m a mess,” I whine.
The silence falls around us. When he doesn’t say anything, my temperature spikes along with my desire to melt into a puddle of goo and slide down the steps one by one like a cartoon character .
Finally, he speaks. “Maybe you don’t have to figure it out all by yourself.” His gentle words halt my panic.
I inhale, letting that thought sink in. I’m not used to having anyone to rely on. Miles is Miles and selfish to the core. As a kid, my mom was busy working, and when she wasn’t, she was dating and being the socialite of our small trailer park community.
Even she didn’t understand my need to step outside our town and the routine she lived by. It was freaking lonely, but I did it.
I bump his bicep with my shoulder. “Something tells me that doesn’t come naturally for you either.” I glance at him again. “What about you? Do you know what you want?”
His shoulders rise with an inhale. “The guys and my best friend say I need to get a life now that Krissy is moving out.”
That didn’t quite answer my question, but I let it slide. “Is that true?” I want to see if this quiet, sealed-off man will give me more.
“I’ve been on autopilot for a long time, but I’m realizing if I keep that up, I’ll be missing out on everything life could be.”
I swing back around to the original question this man slyly avoided. “But do you know what it could be?”
His green eyes peek at me. “I’m beginning to see flickers.”
I take a deep breath and shiver, tucking myself into a ball. One heavy arm drops around me, his long fingers curling around my side. I don’t even think about it, leaning into him and resting my head on his shoulder.
We sit like that for a minute, and I close my eyes, wanting to stay where he can block all that waits for me.
“Everything is going to be all right, Sarah.”
“You sound so sure of it.” I want to believe like he does.
“At some point, you’re just going to have to trust me.”
I laugh. “You might be underestimating the size of the mess.”
His arm falls away before I’m ready for it to.
“Maybe.” He climbs to his feet and extends his hand to pull me up. “But anybody who’d underestimate you would be a damn fool. ”
I look up into those deep green eyes and see he believes what he just said. A burn crawls up my throat with amazing force, and I have to breathe through it.
The only thing I know for sure is that I should not be thinking what I’m thinking or feeling what I’m beginning to feel for this man. I need to lock that shit down until I know what I’m doing with my life.
I blow out a breath, take his hand, and he tugs me up. I pull open the screen door.
“If they’re still playing those stupid ass games, Ollie and I are taking Grover out.”
I raise my eyebrows, turning to look at him. “You know, now that you’ll finally have a bachelor pad and are looking to explore what life has to offer, you should consider game nights. They’re highly entertaining and create a great low-key opportunity to socialize. It’s perfect for you.”
His eyelids droop. “I’d rather punch myself in the face.”
I laugh, pushing the door open. “Who knew you were so dramatic?”
We step inside to the guys yelling at the game on the TV, with Ollie sitting between them, lining their long legs with planes for a makeshift runway.
“Ma-ma,” Frankie’s eyes brighten as she twists to see me from her spot on the floor with Krissy. She cuts a beeline for me, and I scoop her up.
Her squishy arms squeeze my neck.
“Mama, w-why does my b-butt have a crack in it?”
The room goes still at Ollie’s matter-of-fact question. Then, the snickers break free, and Ol giggles, his small shoulders scrunching to his ears as he grins that mischievous grin.
I smile at him and press Frankie to my chest, kissing her cheek in return. These babies. My everything.
Somehow, I’ll figure this out, and it’ll be ok. I’ve got them, and that’s all I need. I just have to hope that, eventually, everything else will sort itself out.