Chapter 29
SARAH
Rough fingers drag against my temple, then over and through my hair. I keep my eyes closed, hoping it continues. It soothes my aching body and calms my mind, which wants to chase fear—a fear so great it will consume me.
The back of his knuckles run over my cheek and along my jaw.
When he charged over this afternoon, I’d never been so happy to hear that overpowering growl. It was as if he knew I needed him.
And he’s still here.
I recognize the low hum of the TV and shift just enough to become aware that my head is not resting against the worn couch but against Slade’s muscled thigh.
I pop up, searching for Frankie and Ollie.
“Hey.” His fingers grip my hip, keeping me from falling off the couch.
Ollie is sprawled on the floor, sound asleep on a pillow and wrapped in a blanket. Frankie is tucked inside Slade’s arm over his chest, her cheek squished against his pec. She looks so peaceful. I can’t blame her. I know exactly how safe those massive arms feel.
I lie back down, not even caring how incredibly inappropriate it might be to put my head in his lap. My life was already swirling around the drain, but I was just sucked under .
I stare at the silly Australian cattle dogs discussing moving and what’s best for their family. My throat burns with despair and anxiety as they realize home is where they should stay.
I squeeze my eyes shut tight, needing it to squelch the fire. I can’t even think about what could be coming.
The raging force is too great, and the truth spills out in a whisper. “Slade, I’m scared.” I clench my jaw, withholding the sob that wants to break free. Maybe if I say it out loud, the threat will lose some of its power.
I feel his gaze drop to me, but I can’t look at him. His large hand cups my shoulder, his thumb running back and forth.
“I was so young and stupid. I think maybe he knew that. Saw straight through me and how naive I was in a brand new world. I believed everything he told me, even when his actions didn’t match up.”
My mind swirls with memories. Miles missing dates and making excuses.
He wouldn’t call or be home when he was supposed to.
He didn’t put his hand on my pregnant belly or talk to Ollie.
When I saw the text messages and caught him in his office with another woman the first time, I believed him when he told me it wouldn’t happen again. Or maybe I just wanted to.
“How did you meet him?” Slade’s question is soft and calm.
“I was living in Chicago. I went to an event and never saw him coming. It’s a tale as old as time.” I sniff, trying to clear my stuffy nose. “He was charming, successful, and told me all the things I wanted to hear.”
My stomach pulls into a tight knot and twists with reality. “I can’t fight him. He’s smart and has all the right connections and a platform.”
“What do you mean?” It’s that low bark, and it almost makes me smile. Almost.
“He’s a news anchor in Chicago, but he just got the Sunday slot on The Morning Show in New York.”
“Like on KBC? ”
I nod against his leg. “I think he spent more time in his office with the pretty young interns than behind the news desk. He’s the golden boy of the news hour.
People love him.” I swipe my nose. “I knew he was cheating on me. How pathetic is that? When I had Ollie, I wanted to believe he had found something more important to do with his time. He’d only gotten better at hiding it.
” I breathe through the ache. “I didn’t want Ol to grow up without a dad, wondering why he was never enough to stick around for. ”
Slade grunts like maybe he understands that feeling.
“When I found out I was pregnant with Frankie, he was out of town. I called him. He must have hit the speaker or something instead of hanging up. I heard them.” I can still hear the giggling and the soft promises.
“I was devastated and so angry. I was filled with rage and disgust. Mostly at myself for believing him.”
I curl my knees to my chest. “I knew then I could either stay and turn bitter and angry or leave and hopefully show these two what love is supposed to look like. I want so much more for them than to be surrounded by anger and betrayal.” Fire consumes my throat.
“He doesn’t want them.” It hurts so damn bad to say it.
“He only wants to appear like the family man he’s convinced the network bigwigs he is. ”
I inhale as the nauseating reality rises again.
He brushes the hair off my neck. “He can’t do that, can he?”
“What?”
“Get custody of them?” Slade sounds skeptical, but I know better.
“I don’t know. It could only be a threat, and once he’s there, he’ll disappear into the city, doing what he does best.” I exhale, my tense body succumbing to exhaustion. “But I don’t have the resources or the status to fight him.” That’s the only truth I know.
Slade’s hand spreads across my back. I press my eyes closed, wanting to fall back asleep and wake up to find this only a nightmare.
I listen to Bluey and Frankie’s soft snores and melt into Slade’s safe warmth.
“Just get some rest. Everything will be ok. We’ll figure it out. ”
I hear his soft promise as I drift back to sleep, desperate to believe him.
______
Strong arms lift me into the air, surrounding me with the spicy scent of pine and cedar. I snuggle into his neck, wanting his gentle comfort to remain, always.
“What are you doing?” I mumble as he takes a few steps.
“You need a good night’s sleep.”
He twists to carry me down the hall, and I jerk awake.
“Stop.” I hold out my hand to grab the wall.
He halts, cradling me in his arms. “You’re burning up again. You need more Ibuprofen and to go to bed, Sarah.” It’s a command.
“Ok,” I say, without arguing, hoping he’ll put me down, but reeaally not wanting him to. I try to wiggle out, but he doesn’t budge.
He takes two more steps toward my room.
“Stop,” I say again with more force, and he does.
Even in the dark, I see his brows furrow.
“Put me down. Please,” I say softly, knowing this is ridiculous. But also, it’s not. Miles’s low jab strikes me in the gut all over again.
Slade carefully releases my legs but keeps his arm around me until I’m fully grounded.
I brush my hair out of my face, unable to look at him. “Thank you for staying. I’m sorry, you can’t . . .”
“Sarah, I wasn’t—”
I hold up my hand. “I know you weren’t. I just . . .” I just what? I don’t want you in my room because you will judge me before I have a chance to explain.
I shiver, swaying a little, and his arms steady me.
I press my eyes closed, wanting to fall back into him. Maybe he’d just stand here and let me sleep against him like a deeply rooted tree.
My aching body sags. “Thank you for sitting with me and the kids. ”
His head hangs a little. “Ollie and Frankie are in their beds.” When his eyes finally drag up to mine, all I see is confusion and what might be hurt.
It’s a spear straight through an already bleeding heart.
His eyes run over my face only a moment longer, and then he turns, moving to the front door. “I let Grover out, so the back door is locked. Make sure you get this one.”
I hate myself even more than I did a few hours ago, but I cannot explain one more thing tonight. Something I’m not sure he’ll understand. At least, I’m terrified he won’t.
I nod.
He pulls the door open, and cool air filters in as he closes it. It’s just another blast to my aching body, and I have no doubt my fever is returning with a vengeance.
I take two more Ibuprofen and crawl into bed, curling into a ball. I stare at the ribbons, knowing if I had the energy, I’d take them to the backyard and burn every single one.
At one time, I wore them with pride. They represented success. Now, they’re tainted, and it hurts to look at them. Except for Ollie and Frankie, they’ve brought me nothing but pain and humiliation ever since.
I close my eyes before tears slip out, wishing I were back on the couch with Slade’s hand on my back, reminding me I’m not totally and completely alone. But maybe after tonight, I will be all over again.