Stuck With You

Chapter Thirty-Five

CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

Starlet

I woke up the following morning in Milo’s bed and reached out to place my hand against his chest as I had the previous few days. When I didn’t find him in the bed, I sat up and glanced around the room. He stood there in his gray sweatpants, wearing no shirt, staring out of the window with a coffee mug in his hands.

“Good morning.” I yawned, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

He turned my way with a tiny smile on his face. “Morning.”

“How long have you been up?”

“Not that long. Figured I’d drown myself in coffee for a while.”

I glanced at my watch and noticed the time. “Oh, it’s later than I thought. We should get going if we are going to catch the sunrise. Let me get dressed fast and—”

“I love you, Starlet.” His words were so calm and confident that they made my heart do a few backflips. “Do you know that? Do you know that I love you?”

“Of course I know that.”

He walked over toward me and set his coffee mug on the nightstand. He then placed the palm of his hand on the back of my neck and pulled me in for a kiss. He kissed me long and hard, harder than he’d kissed me in some time. I felt it vibrate throughout my whole system, sending me into a flurry. It felt different. Something was off about the way he kissed me. I didn’t know kisses could taste like goodbyes before he laid his lips against mine.

I pulled away slightly and narrowed my eyes. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing, I just needed to kiss you. That’s all.”

“Milo—”

He stood and held his hand out toward me. “Let’s go watch the sunrise.”

I lightly swatted his hand away. “No. What was that?”

“What was what?”

My heart was racing, and I placed my hands against my chest as if that would soothe its wild beats. “Tell me what’s going on.”

His head lowered, and my heart dropped right when he said, “Star, I think you’re amazing…”

“No.” I shook my head. “What are you doing?”

He rubbed the palm of his hand against the nape of his neck. “I just feel as if we…with everything going on in my life right now, I don’t think we should…” His words kept fading off, so I went ahead and finished them for him.

“Are you breaking up with me?” I asked, my voice shaking with the nerves pushing their way from my stomach to my throat. A wave of nausea crashed into my nervous system, rocking my whole world upside down.

His head stayed staring at the floor instead of looking at me. “Listen—”

“No.” I cut in. “No. If you’re trying to break up with me, you don’t get to stare at the floor, Milo. If you’re going to break up with me, look me in the eye and do it like a grown-up.”

Please don’t look up. Please don’t look up…

He looked up.

He locked his eyes with mine.

He broke my heart.

“I can’t date you anymore, Starlet.”

He said Starlet instead of Star.

He used my full name. He hadn’t done that in weeks.

That felt like a betrayal I wasn’t ready to face.

I was going to be sick. Everything in my head began to spin, and I felt as if I were going to pass out any second now. I stood from the bed, but my vision blurred. What was he doing? Why was he saying that? There was no way he was breaking up with me. Not after everything we’d been through. Not after everything I walked away from.

I shook my head. “I left everything behind for this. I want this. I chose to walk away from my job for us. I’m giving up my career because I want this. I want you. I want us. You can’t do this to us, Mi. This is our first chance to really be an us, and you can’t throw that away,” I cried out.

I was confused, hurt, and shattering. Months ago, I walked in on my ex-boyfriend cheating on me and it hurt me. Not because of him cheating but because it threw a wrench into what I thought my life was supposed to be. But looking back, everything had to happen as it had. Otherwise, I would’ve never met Milo. We were meant to be, and I knew it. Because if we weren’t, I wouldn’t be feeling the overwhelming pain I was facing. It wouldn’t hurt this bad if he wasn’t the one for me.

I needed Milo to hear me. To listen to my words, to hear my pain. “Please, Mi…please. We’re doing so great.” I pulled his hands into mine so he could feel me. He needed to feel my warmth, feel my soul seeping into his.

How could he do what he was doing? How could he turn his back on me when we were finally able to be who we wanted to be, what we wanted to be—together.

“I know, I know,” he whispered, shaking his head. “I just…I don’t think I’m good for you.”

“You don’t think you’re good for me? What? Of course, you’re good for me. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“You don’t see yourself, Star. I do, okay? I do. I see you throwing everything away because of me. You aren’t acting like yourself anymore. You hardly do your homework, and you don’t go to class. Half the time, you act like you don’t want to be a teacher anymore.”

“So what if I don’t? That’s fine. I’ll become something else.”

“See what I mean? You’re not thinking straight. You’re so focused on making sure I’m okay that you’re forgetting about your whole life.”

My mouth parted to respond, yet my mind was too jumbled to form my next words. I felt insane as I stood in front of him. The number of tears falling from my eyes sent a wave of embarrassment through my system because he wasn’t feeling the aches of heartbreak as deeply as I’d been. He wasn’t falling apart in the same fashion as I was.

You idiot , I thought to myself.

How could I have been so naive? I thought what was between us was real, but clearly, it was a one-way street of true feelings, and I was the driver behind the wheel.

He didn’t feel for me the way I’d felt for him. It wasn’t possible.

If he had, he wouldn’t have been able to let me go so easily.

“You made love to me last night, Milo,” I cried as I shoved my hand against his chest. “You made love to me knowing you were going to break my heart in the morning, didn’t you?” He paused. I shoved him again. “Didn’t you?”

His voice cracked. “Starlet…”

“No!” I shouted, shoving him again. And again. And again. He took every shove as if he deserved it. My tears fell relentlessly, my pain causing my body to want to quit.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, grabbing my wrists to stop my swings. I didn’t even care because I didn’t want to hit him. I wanted to love him and him to love me back.

“I’m so sorry, Starlet,” he softly said.

He used my full name again.

He wasn’t going to take it back.

He wasn’t going to change his mind.

He didn’t want to be with me, so he let me go.

I pulled my wrists away from his hold, realizing that the story I thought we were finally beginning wouldn’t be a full-length novel. We were nothing more than a short story; he wrote the end before we explored our first chapter.

“Please don’t,” I begged. “Please don’t throw me away.”

“I hope one day you can understand where I’m coming from,” he pleaded, those brownish-green eyes staring deep into my soul.

I looked him dead in the eyes, too, hoping he could see how he hurt me and understand the words that were about to fly from my mouth. “Fuck you, Milo Corti. I hope I never see you again.”

***

I walked into the dorm room, feeling like my heart had been ripped from my chest. I didn’t know love could do that…slice open every piece of one’s soul and still allow them to continue through life as if they weren’t the walking dead.

“Hi, roomie,” Whitney stated from her bed, glancing over her shoulder. She was wrapped in a blanket, watching a reality show, which she quickly shut off.

“Hi, roomie,” I replied, dropping my keys on to my desk.

Whitney frowned. “Heart?” she asked.

“Broken,” I replied.

“Hug?”

“Yes.”

She held her arms open wide. I dragged my feet over to her and collapsed into her arms. Whitney didn’t ask me anything else. She didn’t question what went down when I went to see Milo. She didn’t inquire about our final words. Mainly because she knew none of that mattered. Nothing that went down between him and me would’ve changed a thing because two facts remained the truth: Milo left me, and I let him go.

Now, both of us had to pick up our own pieces.

Both of us had to learn how to live without each other.

It was an odd feeling—how one day, Milo was a stranger, and another, he was my everything.

I loved him, and he loved me. I didn’t question that at all.

Still, we had to let go.

I guessed the rumors were true. Love wasn’t enough to make something last forever. Sometimes life got in the way. Tomorrow, I’d pick myself up. Tomorrow, I’d try to exist in a world where he no longer belonged.

Yet tonight, I’d cry.

***

I showed up at the tattoo parlor without giving my father a heads-up. The moment I walked inside, the crew cheered excitedly to see me. Dad was in the middle of a session and couldn’t come out for another hour to meet me in the front lobby.

The second he saw me, though, he said, “What’s wrong?”

I stood from my chair and parted my lips to speak, but no words came out. I burst into uncontrollable tears. It only took a few moments for him to step forward and wrap me in his embrace.

“It’s okay, kiddo,” he whispered as he held me tight. “It’s okay.”

But it wasn’t okay. Nothing was all right. My whole life had turned upside down, and I had no idea how to get back on track. I’d fallen behind in school, lost my student teaching position, and lost Milo.

I had nothing.

I didn’t even know who I was anymore.

Mom would’ve been so ashamed of the woman I was becoming. So embarrassed by the choices I’d made that winter, which made my life come to a sudden crashing point.

Once I managed to calm myself down, Dad took me into his office and shut the door behind us. I sat down and told him everything. Every single piece of the story, not leaving one drop of information out of the equation.

I wasn’t even brave enough to look my father in the eyes as I told him everything. My stare was focused on the carpeting as a million words I’d never imagined I’d speak out loud to my dad came rolling off my tongue.

Once I finished, I sat back in the chair, feeling like a complete fool. I raised my head to find my father’s stare, and with one exhalation, he said, “Well, damn.”

“I messed up, Dad. I messed up everything. My whole life is ruined, and I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Let’s take a step back, kiddo.” He brushed his hand against his beard and narrowed his eyes. “You’re in love?”

What?

That was what he decided to focus on?

That was the piece of my messed-up story that he fixated on?

“What does that have to do with anything?” I asked.

“It has to do with everything, Star. You were dating that one boy for years, and you never mentioned love. It felt like you dated him just because you thought that was what you were supposed to do. You’ve always done what you thought you were supposed to do until now.”

“Yeah, I know. And look at what I’ve become.”

“Yeah. Something beautiful.”

I narrowed my eyes at him, annoyed and confused by his reaction. “Why aren’t you yelling at me? Why aren’t you cursing me out and telling me I need to do better and that I ruined my life, and that I made terrible choices? Tell me how much I suck, Dad.”

“But you don’t. If anything, I should scold you for not screwing up more.” He chuckled.

“Dad.”

“I’m serious. You’re hardly in your twenties, Star. Do you know what your twenties are for?”

“What?”

“They are made for fuckups and mistakes. That’s the best part of your twenties—the missteps. Then in your thirties, you somewhat discover who you are until your midthirties when you rediscover yourself because, well, the early thirties are a bit odd. By your forties, you only have like ten more fucks to give about anything, which is kind of cool. Then there are your fifties. And let me tell you, I love it here because, well, fuck it all. Do you understand?”

I knitted my eyebrows together. “I think so?”

He smiled and patted my shoulder. “Sweetheart, what I’m saying is, you’re not even a third of your way through your fuckups. Embrace it. Besides, you’re in love, so that’s a win.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It’s love, Starlet. And from the sounds of it, it’s real love with this one. Which means it’s not supposed to make sense. Real love is messy and hard, and it takes a lot of ups and downs to make it work.”

“It wasn’t like that with you and Mom,” I said, slightly deflated. “You two were perfect.”

He huffed out a burst of loud laughter. “What?”

“You were. You two were soulmates.”

“Yeah, sweetheart, we were. But we were far, far from perfect.”

“From the outside looking in, you were. You two never even fought.”

“In front of you,” he corrected. “We were really good at taking our screaming matches into our cars while you were in the house.”

My mouth dropped, leaving me completely stunned. “No way.”

“Total way. And plus, the first night we met, we randomly hooked up, and ta-da! She was pregnant.”

“What?!” I gasped. “With who?”

“With you, bonehead.”

I pressed my hand to my chest. “I was a one-night stand baby?”

“You were completely a one-night stand baby. Your grandparents were pissed about that one. Yes, we were married young, but we felt pressured into doing that by society and our parents. I thought proposing to the girl I knocked up was what I was supposed to do. The first few months of marriage, your mother and I hated one another. We bickered like no other and fought day in and day out. Then after you were born, it got harder and harder until it got a little bit easier. We weren’t officially happy, probably until you were two years old.”

I sat there completely dumbfounded about the story I was being told. “How have I never heard about any of this?”

“It’s not every day you tell your kid that she was a one-night stand accident. Besides, you forget the rocky beginning when you have the most beautiful middle and ending to your story.”

“But how was it a beautiful ending? She died, Dad.”

“Yes, she did, Star, and that was hard. But she died with our love, and we were left with hers. You can’t convince me that that’s not a beautiful thing—to love one another until the very end. And if I had the opportunity to relive our story, knowing how it would end, I would do it in a heartbeat. Because I will always choose to relive love when presented with the chance.”

Those words made my eyes tear up.

Dad smiled. “Star, we come into this life with only one promise—that someday we will leave it. Death is the final act of everyone’s story. We all know this. The problem is so many people live life as if they are already dead, going through the motions of what they think they are supposed to do instead of living their most authentic lives. I don’t want you to be perfect. I want you to be real, and I want you to live. Fall in love and live. Screw up and live. Find yourself, Star, and live.”

I glanced down at my fingernails and began picking at them. “I do love him, Dad.”

“I’m glad you let that love in.”

“But he doesn’t want me. He pushed me away.”

“Why?”

“Because he thought he was ruining my life.”

“And why would he think that pushing you away would be the best option?”

“Because he…” I sighed as the realization settled in. “Because he loves me.”

“Exactly. I get that it’s raw and new right now. You are allowed to be hurt and pissed off at him for that choice. But also be thankful you found a guy who cares so much about your well-being that he was willing to walk away.”

“I just wish he had stayed.”

“Yeah, but you know what? Sometimes it’s not the ending of a couple’s story. Maybe you’re just on a time-out. Just give it time. Allow both of you the space to figure yourselves out, then see if your puzzle pieces still fit together.”

“Thanks, Dad,” I said, feeling a little better about the wildness that was my current life.

“Always, kiddo. Now come on. We’re going to go get you some ice cream.”

I chuckled. “Dad. Buying me ice cream won’t fix my problems.”

“You’re right. Maybe it won’t, but at least you can be sad with Oreo cheesecake custard. It’s a bit easier to be sad when you have Oreo cheesecake custard.”

Fair point.

“Don’t worry, baby girl.” Dad smiled at me as he stood and held a hand out to help me stand. “Everything’s gonna work out fine.”

Everything’s gonna work out fine.

“What was this guy’s name again?” he asked me.

“Milo.”

“Last name?”

“Corti.”

“Milo Corti. That’s a badass name.”

“Why are you asking for his name?”

“Because I’m going to find him and cuss him out for making my daughter cry,” he replied matter-of-factly.

I laughed but then saw the serious look on his face. “Dad. Don’t you dare stalk my ex-boyfriend.”

“Not stalk. Just…follow.”

“Dad!”

He grumbled. “Fine, fine. I won’t do that.”

“Swear?”

He held his hand up. “Scout’s honor, Star. Scout’s honor.”