26. Tori
26
TORI
“Um, Lucas, can I talk to you?”
The drive back from the library had been miserable. Jayden rode in the truck with Kyle and me because Lucas had been his ride. I was angry with myself the whole time, knowing that Lucas wouldn’t have left without telling us unless he’d been upset. So eventually, the other two stopped trying to talk to me.
When we got in, Lucas turned my way but didn’t meet my eyes. “It’s late. Why don’t you just go to bed?”
I’d finally found him sorting through stuff in the storage room of the basement, and I felt even worse. He’d been upset and didn’t even have a door to close behind him. Because he’d given me his bedroom.
He was the nicest guy I’d ever met, and I’d hurt him.
“Please? Just a few minutes.”
Lucas focused on the pile of stuff in front of him. But when he finally looked up at me, I saw in his eyes that he’d given in. “All right.”
I thought quickly. There was no private place to talk in this house. “Should we maybe go outside?” I didn’t know where we could go, though. I didn’t want to take him back to the hammock. It felt like that spot was just for me and Jayden.
But Lucas came through. “Let’s go sit in my car.”
“Good idea.”
He followed me up the stairs and out of the house. Fortunately, Kyle was taking a shower, and Jayden had been kind enough to make himself scarce.
We got outside, and I stopped. “Actually, could we go to my car? I haven’t been in it in ages.”
“Sure.”
Somewhat awkwardly, I led him over there. The guys had been driving me so often that I automatically went to the passenger seat, which was ridiculous since it was my car. But I supposed it didn’t matter since we weren’t driving anywhere.
We climbed in, and I turned on the car long enough to roll down the windows a few inches. “The night air feels good,” I said to Lucas. He didn’t respond.
The fact that he was looking straight ahead bolstered my confidence. He sat only inches away in my small car, but we weren’t eye-to-eye made, so that made it easier to talk to him. Easier, but not easy .
I let out a sigh and tapped my fingers on the passenger door. “So… at the library, you saw… us?” I had to ask, even though I already suspected the answer. I needed to know where we stood.
“Yes,” he said flatly, keeping his gaze fixed forward.
“I’m sorry that you saw that.” My voice trembled. “I’m sure it must’ve been upsetting.”
“That’s putting it mildly.” He let out a bitter laugh, then raked a hand through his hair. “You were all gone for so long, and I went to check and…” His voice trailed off into silence.
I cringed, picturing exactly what he’d walked in on: me sandwiched between his best friend and his worst enemy. Their hands all over me, their hips grinding into me. My cheeks burned at the memory.
“I shouldn’t have let it get to that point,” Lucas said in a low but firm voice. “I should’ve thrown him out on his ass when he even proposed that.”
I ached to reach out and take Lucas’s hand, but I knew he wouldn’t welcome it. Instead, I curled my fingers in my lap.
“Did you hate all of it?” I asked, trying to keep my voice steady. “I liked the first part—with you.” My face warmed as I remembered his slow, thorough kiss, the kind that made me want more.
But the rest had clearly ruined the moment for him. He sounded wounded when he said, “I never would’ve done that if I’d known what he would do to you.”
A heavy knot formed in my stomach. I hated disappointing Lucas, but I didn’t see it the same way he did. I swallowed hard and said, “You did kind of know. That was the game—for me to spend a little time with each of you.”
“I didn’t know he’d take advantage like that,” he snapped, his voice rising. It was obvious who he meant.
Taking a deep breath, I spoke softly. “You’re mad at Kyle, but I think maybe you’re mad at me, too.”
“What? No. Of course not.” His hands moved to the steering wheel, gripping it tightly.
“Really?” I pressed. “Because you already had a pretty low opinion of him.”
He scoffed, rolling his shoulders. “That’s no secret. He’s complete scum.”
“So the thing at the library couldn’t make your opinion of him worse,” I pointed out, my voice turning firm. “So I think you’re disappointed in me.”
“I’m not,” he argued. “I just can’t understand why you let him corrupt you like that.”
“He didn’t corrupt me,” I said, my heart pounding unevenly. If I couldn’t get Lucas to understand, he might hate me forever. “I’m really sorry you had to see that, but there were three of us involved. Why aren’t you angry at me and Jayden?”
His head turned slightly toward me, though he kept his eyes on the windshield. “Do you want me to be?”
“I don’t want Kyle to be blamed for something all three of us did.” I struggled to keep my voice from shaking.
“He’s poison, Tori,” he muttered through clenched teeth. “He ruins everything. I don’t want you near him.”
My mind spun, trying to figure out the right thing to say. I hated watching him hurt. Still, I couldn’t accept how he assigned blame.
“I don’t need you to protect me, Lucas.” My voice came out so softly I wasn’t sure he heard me.
He had. He turned his head a fraction more, tension in his jaw. “The hell you don’t! You were living with that psycho, then you slept in your car, and now you’re going on a date with him—because he blackmailed you into it! What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t try to stop those things from happening to you?”
Crap, how had he found out about how that Kyle had originally blackmailed me into going on a date with him? I could worry about that later. “Jayden’s my friend,” I said softly, “and he’s not trying to stop me.”
“Well, he should be,” Lucas spat. “But he doesn’t know Kyle the way I do. He doesn’t know all the things?—”
“He knows him pretty well.” I sighed, wishing I’d had more experience talking about important topics with men. “I appreciate you wanting to look out for me, but that’s a parent’s job, and you’re not my parent. You’re my friend.”
He let out a long breath. Tension hung between us for a few seconds before he spoke again. “Just a friend?”
“Well… yes,” I said, voice unsteady. “For now. A very good friend.”
“But nothing more.” His words were quiet, but the pain in his voice cut deep.
“I don’t know.” God, this was hard. “I—I’d like to explore something more, but… hell, I don’t know how to explain it. I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I feel something for Jayden and Kyle, too. I never planned to feel this way about more than one man. But… I do.”
“It’s disgusting,” he said, bitterness laced through every syllable.
I jerked back as though he’d struck me.
His eyes flicked over, and for the first time, he shifted in his seat to actually face me. “I don’t mean you’re disgusting,” he said quickly. “But he is.”
“Which he ?” I asked, frowning. “Because there were two of them there.”
“You know who I mean,” he replied, clenching his jaw.
“What if it hadn’t been Kyle?” I pressed. “What if you’d seen me kissing Jayden and Roger?”
Lucas opened his mouth, but nothing came out at first. After a long pause, he frowned. “Isn’t Roger gay?”
My shoulders slumped, and I wasn’t sure if I was going to laugh or cry. “You’re the smartest person I know, Lucas. Please try to be a little more logical about what I’m saying.”
“I can’t,” he muttered. “And you know why.”
Tears pricked at my eyes, and I let my head rest against the passenger window.
“I know you don’t see this,” he said, his anger barely contained, “but it’s him. It’s all on him. He takes everything good and turns it upside down. He makes people do things they’d never dream of doing. He’s a fucking vulture.”
His words hit me in the gut. But for the sake of our friendship—and my friendships with Jayden and Kyle—I tried one more time. “So… I guess you don’t think very much of me, then.”
“What?” Surprise filled his voice for the first time.
“If Kyle’s making me do things I don’t want to, that means you don’t think I’m intelligent enough to decide for myself,” I said. “That he’s corrupted me somehow.”
“Of course I think you’re intelligent.” His grip on the steering wheel tightened.
“But not enough to make my own decisions,” I countered.
“I didn’t say that.”
“Yes, you pretty much did,” I told him, my voice tight with frustration. “Because you’re acting like everything was done to me, that I had no choice.”
“You’re twisting my words.”
“Your hatred of Kyle is blinding you.” A tear slipped down my cheek. “I don’t know what’s going to happen, but it’s… hell, I’ll just say it. It’s exciting, okay? I enjoyed every part of that game, both with you and with them. Maybe that makes me terrible, but if it were only up to me, I’d let it play out. I’d see where things might go—if they go anywhere at all. The only thing holding me back is you. I hate the thought of hurting you.”
“Then don’t,” he snapped.
“So I shouldn’t get what I want so you can get what you want,” I said. That’s what it all seemed to boil down to.
“That’s his influence, Tori,” he growled. “Can’t you see that? You’d never do something so messed up on your own.”
“What about Jayden?” I asked, blinking more tears away. “Is he just another pawn in Kyle’s evil game?”
“No, but he can—” Lucas started.
“He can make his own decisions,” I finished for him. “Right? That’s what you were going to say. But I can’t. Is that because I’m a woman, or because I’m easily led astray, or maybe just not smart enough to know my own mind?”
“Tori, I?—”
“You’re not giving me any credit,” I cut in. “I’m making my own choices, and you’re too hung up on what Kyle did in high school to see that. At the library, there were three willing participants, not a puppet master and a victim and whatever the hell you’re telling yourself Jayden was. If you need to blame someone, blame me, too. It’s not right to only blame Kyle. I’m not an innocent child with no control over my own fate, Lucas. I’m not, and I bet Natalie wasn’t either.”
Time stopped, and I gasped at what I’d said. I’d gone too far. I should’ve just talked about this current situation, not the past. Even if it sure seemed to me like there were some parallels. “Lucas, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have?—”
Before I could finish, he opened the car door and left without a word—again.
And I felt absolutely awful—again.
“Sleep well?” Jayden asked when I staggered into the kitchen Friday morning. He had a cup of coffee in his hand, and I contemplated swiping it from him. It seemed too exhausting to get my own.
“I think I can answer my own question,” he said, studying me. “Your eyes are red, your sweatshirt is on inside out, and at least a third of your hair is stuck outside of the ponytail elastic.”
I scowled, but yanked the elastic out of my hair, wincing at the tug. I bent forward, letting my hair fall toward the floor, gathered it up in one hand, and put the elastic back on. When I straightened, I was dizzy for a moment.
“You okay?” Jayden asked.
“No. But why are you?” I grumbled. He was acting like it was a normal morning. “Lucas is your best friend. Shouldn’t you be upset that he’s upset?”
“I am.”
“You don’t seem like it.”
Jayden took out a mug and got me some coffee, probably hoping it would improve my mood.
“I’m sorry he’s hurt, but I don’t regret what we did last night at the study group. Do you?”
“No.”
“Good.” He handed over the coffee, and I took it gratefully.
After a long gulp, I tried to force my brain to function. “Where are the others?”
“Lucas is taking a shower downstairs, and I convinced Kyle it would be a good morning for him to head to campus early and hit the gym.”
“And he didn’t argue with that?”
“No. He knows the score.”
That was more proof for my argument last night—that Kyle wasn’t the devil incarnate. But I’d done a lousy job of convincing Lucas of that.
I took the mug to the table and sat down. “What are we going to do?”
“I don’t know,” he said with a sigh as he sat opposite me. “This is kind of fucked up.”
“Yeah. But I didn’t know what to do about it.”
“Do you want something to eat? I could make bacon or toast.” Apparently, his main strategy was to distract us from the problem through nourishment.
“Thanks, but I don’t think my stomach could take it right now.”
He got to his feet. “Well, I’m not exactly a happy camper myself this morning, but I can always eat. I’ll make extra in case you change your mind.”
“Thanks.”
I fished my phone out of the pocket of my sweatshirt, and Jayden was right—it was inside out. Why the hell did it have pockets on the inside, too?
He moved around the kitchen, but I tuned him out. My generation was known for spending far too much time on our phones, so if ever there was a moment to live up to the stereotype, it was now. I needed far less reality and far more videos of cute animals.
I checked my email and then scrolled through some clips. How many puppies and kittens would it take to make me forget yesterday?
Jayden set a glass of orange juice down in front of me, but the thought alone made my stomach hurt.
I was watching a video of a cute capybara taking a bath when I got a text. I ignored the preview because hello, capybaras. They’re freaking adorable. But maybe the text was from Lucas or Kyle? I guessed it was kind of messed up that I wanted to hear from each of them equally.
But it wasn’t from either of them. Nor Hailey.
It was from my mom.
And I had to read it three times before the words sank in.
I slumped in the chair, my head in my hands. I didn’t even realize I’d knocked over the orange juice until Jayden hurried over with a towel.
“Well, that’s one way to clean the table,” he said as he mopped it up. Then he stilled. “Tori, what is it?”
“It’s my mom.”
“What’s wrong?”
Ignoring the puddle of juice, he came over to my side and sat down next to me, putting his hand on mine.
“Is she hurt?”
I didn’t even know how to answer that. If she wasn’t now, she might be soon—emotionally, at least. But I shook my head.
“Then what is it? I’ve got to be honest, you’re scaring me. You came in here looking like death warmed over, and now you’re even paler.”
“My mom’s getting married.” My voice was barely audible.
Out of my peripheral vision, I saw his face change. His first instinct was probably along the lines of congratulations, but then he froze, likely remembering what I’d told him about Doug. How he and my mom had been on and off again for years. How horribly he treated her. How she was an entirely different person when she was with him.
“God, Tori. I’m sorry. I really am.”
“Me too.”
“Is it going to be this year or next? Maybe you can talk to her over Thanksgiving.”
I seized on his idea as if it were a lifeline. “Yes! That’s what I need, to speak with her face to face. If I can just tear off whatever blinders she has on and remind her of what he’s like, and what he does to her…” I straightened up, clutching Jayden’s arm. “That’s a great idea!”
He smiled at the hope on my face. “It’s a good plan. In the meantime, why don’t you take a few days to process, and then call her? Get a feel for how things are going between her and Doug this time.”
“There’s no time.” I got to my feet. “She’s marrying him tomorrow morning in a civil ceremony.”
“What?”
“It’s okay. If I leave now, I’ll get there long before Doug gets off work. I know I can talk her out of this insanity.”
In the back of my mind, it dawned on me that the last serious conversation I tried to have, the one last night with Lucas, hadn’t gone very well. Maybe it would have if I hadn’t brought up Natalie. I was still beating myself up over that. But this was my mom . I had to try. “I’ve got to go.”
“Wait. Just wait a minute.” Jayden stood and wrapped me in his arms. He stroked my hair and whispered, “Take a moment to breathe.“
My body shook as I started to cry, but he said soothing things and reminded me to take deep breaths. When he finally let me go, I felt a little calmer, and I tore off a paper towel to wipe my face.
“Are you sure you want to drive all the way down there today?” he asked. “Why don’t you just call her?”
“It has to be in person. It’s not that far of a drive—just three hours. Once I get out of the mountains, I’ll be fine. A couple hours there, an hour to talk to her… I’ll be back by dinner.”
He looked anguished. “I wish I could go with you, but I’ve got a test and it’s a third of our grade.”
“Honestly, I’m fine.” I wasn’t, of course, but it’s not like I’d forgotten how to drive. Probably.
His eyes swept over me, his expression doubtful. “I’ll call Kyle. He can go with you.”
“No.” I grabbed his arm as he took his phone out of his pocket. “He’s got to work on his paper today. It’s due on Monday. We were going to work on it all afternoon, but he’s got my notes. He can work on it by himself. He has to.”
“Sweetheart, you’re upset. You’re in no condition to drive. You can’t go down there alone.”
“She won’t.” Lucas stepped into the kitchen. “I’ll go with her.”