Chapter Fifteen #3
I stare up at the spirals, the massive arches and windows of the grey stone university built in 1827.
Every time I see its structure in its entirety I remember how tiny and insignificant we all truly are.
The vigil is being held today in one of the gardens because, unlike his very outgoing twin, only a few will truly mourn Riordan.
Unlike his loud, obnoxious twin, Riordan was the lesser of two evils, like a snowstorm- quiet but mighty.
He and I were the same in that regard.
So that’s what I’m doing now.
Pondering existence in itself.
I read once there are tribes that burn their chiefs in a funeral pyre, dig out the bones that remain, and make a type of broth and the natives drink the broth so in a way they live on in their tribes.
Never forgotten.
The few that show up for Riordan today are the ones that were most impacted by him.
That’s why I’m so conflicted.
I didn’t want to hurt Riordan. I understood his hatred toward me. I took away the only person that ever probably gave a damn about him in his world. His protector. His best friend. The other piece of his soul.
But what about my soul? My mind? My heart?
I live in pain daily. My leg, my headaches, night terrors, hallucinations. I lived in a goddamn mental institution for a whole three and a half years before I was deemed “fit” to visit family. They did this to me, and they were free . They went about with their lives. It was only fair.
Right?
Villainous thoughts form in my mind, and I hate the way they make me feel inside.
Maverick had a point. Riordan would have hurt me if given the proper chance.
And so I stare at the spot where he landed, the crimson scrubbed clean, new snow fallen over where he was splayed out like a puppet. If he didn’t die by hanging, the fall certainly killed him.
“Amourette,” Damon says my name sternly. Authoritative like when we were at Lorne Wood and I cringe inwardly and outwardly. “Do you need to talk about this?” He lifts a hand, and I know he wants to touch me, but he can’t. Not here. Not in public. Another reason I loathe this place.
I give him one solemn nod.
I haven’t been very forthcoming about my thoughts because the last time I told him how and what I felt, he told me I was manifesting my guilt into a shadow and then my house was burned to the ground. I hold a modicum of resentment towards him for that, and he knows.
Except I haven’t the time for guilt.
Only plotting.
I look up to search his eyes and he looks almost relieved that I agreed to a therapy session. I haven’t been back to see Ada since before the storm. I’ve been reading my poems out loud, (thankfully no more Dr. Seuss) to anyone who’s home for thirty minutes a night now.
It’s finals week, the last of them Wednesday. The Athletic Holiday Banquet is Thursday and then we’re off for three weeks. Three glorious weeks of me being home with my three, insatiable men.
I can’t wait.
I spot Jonas coming around the corner from one of the athletic buildings, bundled up, handsome and mine.
I love that he’s wearing the black, fur-lined ski cap with the removeable mouth and nose covering I got for him that matches my purple one.
I can tell when he sees me because his forest eyes immediately crinkle at the sides and I know there’s a huge grin behind the mask just for me.
He comes to my side and pulls down his mask, full smile on show.
“There’s the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen.”
I will never cease to blush at his compliments. I pull down my matching purple covering and kiss him, and he shoves his arms around me. “I missed you, too, baby girl. Need coffee?”
“She most certainly does not need any more coffee.”
I pout.
Jonas pouts. “She can do with one more cup, it’s finals week. We’ve been studying nonstop. My brain is frazzled. Her brain is frazzled. A caramel macchiato made with oat milk is a nice little treat for studying so much.”
“If you get anything, get her tea. For her nerves.”
Jonas rolls his eyes. “Daddy Damon is putting his foot down.”
I giggle.
“Jonas…” Damon warns.
“I know, I know. Don’t call you daddy. Hey, are you the top or bottom? Maybe Maverick is daddy.” Damon huffs out an exasperated breath. “C’mon baby, let’s get you a tea for your nerves.” He winks.
I tilt my head back in silent laughter, wave goodbye to Damon since I can’t do more and pull my mask back over, buttoning it on the side of my face below my ear, let him take me by the hand and he leads me to the Koffee Kart, ordering for me.
And as we wait around, he steps closer to me, my back against his chest, arms around my waist, chin on my head, and it feels so good to be in his embrace.
He lets out a soft contented sigh as if just holding me is all he needed to feel alright.
And I feel that so deeply in my soul, I relax against him just a little more.
“Are you ready for Thursday?” he asks and without getting away from his embrace I nod. Our order is called we shuffle together to get our drinks. “Simon Hoover is going to be there. ”
I almost drop my macchiato in surprise and excitement.
I haven’t seen him very much around Inferno and when I do, he doesn’t speak very often.
He also leaves as soon as Stephen is done talking so I hardly have any new intel on him other than that he lives in D.C.
with his wife, Clarissa. No children yet.
Which is great – I’d hate taking a father away from his children, but at the same time… Meh .
“His grandfather, Walter, is still one of the biggest donors. He’s an Elder, and when Simon played rugby here, he won MVP two years in a row.
He’s a big motherfucker, baby. He still plays rugby.
I don’t want to say you aren’t strong enough, because you did carry Tyler and dump him all the way to bathroom, but I’m thinking we might need to think of a way to use a bit less physical force to do what it is you need to do to him.
” He says, his voice a muffled whisper as we get to Maverick’s class.
Well, shit.
I want to ask him about Riordan’s funeral tomorrow night, but because I still don’t talk to anyone but my men in the comfort and safety of our home or vehicles. I let my thoughts wander to all the different ways I’ve learned to kill from taking Maverick’s class. The only reason I took this class.
You know what they say, “learn from their mistakes so you can do it better.”