Chapter Twenty #4
The house is eerily silent. No shuffling of house staff shoes on the marble floors, or even orders coming from the kitchen.
Just me and the old ghosts of Monroe Mansion tiptoeing around.
I wonder if Axel’s mom is watching me. I’m tired, unable to sleep, afraid we didn’t pull this off properly, paranoid that someone was watching us from the shadows, but Damon would have texted Jonas if that were the case.
I find myself in the sunroom, pulling my robe a little tighter as I stand to watch the snow land and billow around the glass ceiling and large windows.
I used to pretend I was inside of a snow globe when I was here.
For a moment, it feels like I’m eighteen and I never left, and I was perfect.
So, in my snow globe with the statues and the plants, I let myself pretend…
until I hear footsteps slow and steady coming.
The only other person that ever joined me in here was – Axel.
He grins and my heart sighs at the sight of it. “Thought I’d find you in here.” He says quietly, putting his hands in his pockets, stepping closer to me.
I shrug. Old habits die hard ; I sign.
He inclines his head. “You could say that.”
And suddenly we’re too close, he’s taken all the air in the room, and I can feel the heat radiating off his body. He looks up, and I let my gaze follow.
There, hanging from the only beam in the room, is one branch of mistletoe with a large, red ribbon tied around it, hanging loosely but low.
Axel peers down at my lips then draws his eyes slowly back up to mine.
He places his hand on my hip and when I close my eyes, putting my hands on his chest to shove him off, to tell him no, he bends.
The kiss is half on my cheek, half on the corner of my lips and then he pulls me in for a hug, kissing my cheek then my temple, sliding his hands slowly from my hips to my back.
“I love you, Cookie. That will never change. You’ll always be home to me. I miss you, but I can see that you’re happy now. Truth be told, you could do a lot worse than Jonas Anderson.” He jokes.
I shudder a sigh in his embrace. “I love you, too… Ax.” I whisper.
He tenses in my arms for barely a second, then lets me go, taking his warmth with him, like he was never here in the first place. I look down at my wrist, making sure it was a real moment.
________
The party is in full swing by the time we get to the last set of stairs (a little late because Jonas looked entirely too good in his suit to not give him a blowjob and then I had to redo my makeup) there are at least seventy people gathered, some sitting, some standing, drinks already in hand, talking amongst themselves, as the string quartet lightly plays to our right.
I hold the banister with one hand, the other in Jonas,’ keeping my eyes down on the black, shimmering satin of my gown.
It has a plunging cowl neck that goes just beneath my breasts, cinching with the waist that gathers to hide the pockets on the sides, and the small train of the dress drags behind me.
The back of it, like a halter dress, is held up by a string of large Swarovski crystals that glimmer like diamonds in the light.
It was always my favorite dress, and I never thought I’d wear it again.
My breath hitches when I see Damon and Maverick standing near the landing
“Just a little longer, baby and we’ll be in Vermont. Okay?”
I whimper just a bit over the music, my eyes bouncing between green and grey, the grins on their faces makes me feel feral, I almost run to them, missing my guys so much.
I want to leap into Damon’s arms and the anxiety of not being able to makes me tremble.
I smile at them, but the new cluster of people coming through the foyer ahead catch my eye and I almost stumble again.
Sabrina .
She looks different. Fuller. And her hair is different.
More caramel than platinum. I try to remember what she looked like at Tyler’s wake but all I remember was she was still wearing her coat when she came to speak to me.
She sees me, the man beside her is tall, dark and handsome.
He looks familiar as well, but I can’t remember where I know him from.
He looks… dangerous . She clutches his bicep, and he looks like he would rather be anywhere but here.
Same.
We reach the landing and not being able to say hello or kiss my men deeply, I do a simple nod in their direction. Jonas puts his hand on the small of my back, the heat of his palm on my skin soothes me, reminding me this isn’t forever. This is just now.
I have to get through the shitty part, in order to get to the good part of my life. It won’t be like this forever.
I search for Sabrina in the crowd. I may not be able to talk to her, but I… I want to say… I want to… pat her hand? Ugh .
I can feel my frustration wanting to get the best of me. One day… one day I’ll tell her everything. Until then… I don’t have much to offer. Not that our friendship was ever conditional. I loved Sabrina like the sister I always wanted.
Jonas spots his mother in the crowd and soon we’re on our way to greet Elena, leaving Damon and Maverick behind.
“Hello, my little darlings!” She greets, pulling me in first for a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
I feel eyes on me and when I look up, Sofia is gripping her flute so tightly her knuckles are white.
Elena looks wonderful in a cream dress, much like mine, it has a cowl neck, but it stops at her breasts.
Her red hair and lips are done perfectly in 1950’s glam, and she’s smiling so brightly she has to be the most radiant thing in this room alone.
I love her.
“Oh, Raven you look exquisite! Then again, you’ve looked wonderful every time I’ve seen you. Are you ready for tonight?”
I nod enthusiastically, scrunching my nose up.
“Elena… how lovely you came.”
I stiffen, hearing my mother’s voice behind me. We all turn to face her.
“Yes, well, I thought, one last little shindig before we leave on our ski trip!” She says merrily.
My mother blinks. “We?”
“Oh, yes! Right after the party, we’re going to my cabin in Vermont!” Excitement radiates off the older woman and it gets me a little excited, too.
My mother smiles but shakes her head, eyes boomerang between the three of us. “But tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Raven always spends Christmas Eve with us.”
“Raven said she was at Lorne Wood last Christmas. Alone .”
I shouldn’t have told him that.
“Yes, we spent our holidays in Australia.” My mother smiles tightly, blinking.
Jonas’ head snaps back a bit before his eyes narrow. “Did you visit her at Lorne Wood before you went to Australia?”
I shake my head before I can stop it. No, they didn’t.
Sofia laughs nervously, deflecting the question by gritting out “She’s no longer at Lorne Wood. I was hoping she would spend it with us this year, you too, Jonas,” through her flawless smile. Her million-dollar smile. So beautiful, my mama. But not very mine… not anymore.
“Oh, Raven, sweetheart, did you want to spend the holidays with your mother?” Elena asks me, hand squeezing mine.
I look down at our hands clasped together.
The blue of her veins and the small freckles all over.
There are a few wrinkles, but not a lot.
She’s so warm. So kind. She touches me like I’m not broken.
Not fragile. Fierce hugs and kisses that leave little lipstick stains on my cheeks.
I love those. “The last time we spoke you seemed so happy to be spending it with me. I don’t mind waiting until Christmas day to have you with me. ”
“She spoke… with you?” Sofia’s voice trembles.
I look back up but not at her, at Elena, whose brows are furrowed and her eyes filled with concern. For me. It’s a silent reassurance that if I choose to stay with the Monroe’s another night, she’ll be okay with my decision, but I don’t… I don’t want that.
I’d rather spend a night in solitary at Lorne Wood in the dark.
Jonas’ grin is fucking triumphant and smug as all hell.
“Mom learned sign language to be able to talk to her. Did you? As her mother, I mean. Did you pay six hundred measly little dollars for an online ASL course to be able to communicate with your only child who went through something extremely traumatic and probably wished she could talk to her mommy? Needed her mommy to comfort her? Do you see at all where you continuously fail as her mother, or do you just not care?”
“Jonas!” Elena quietly scolds to not bring attention to us, smiling at passersby looking for their next glass of strawberry infused wine.
Her face turns a bright red and again, Sofia laughs but it’s so bitter I can almost taste it.
The tension is so thick I choke on it. She turns her attention to me, dropping her silicone smile and something like regret or shame creeps across her features.
But I wouldn’t know. I don’t think she’s ever regretted anything when it came to me.
But if it’s shame… I know that look well.
Except I don’t think it’s directed at me this time.
“Raven darling?”
I flick my gaze to Elena.
“Did you want to spend the holiday with your mother?”
Before I can even begin to shake my head and sign that I’m excited to spend Christmas with her in Vermont, there’s another presence beside Sofia.
“Hey mom, sorry, but the caterers are asking questions I can’t answer.”
Sofia plasters a smile on her face again, turning to Axel then back to us. “A hostess’ job is never finished. Please, enjoy the party.” She leaves us, heading toward the kitchen, her heels clacking loudly in my ears .
I should probably feel sad. I should feel angry that no, she didn’t bother to learn sign language. Instead the longer I stay here, the more I feel like a stranger. This isn’t my home anymore. It hasn’t been for a long time. The more I think about it – it probably never was.
“Raven!” A feminine, mezzo-soprano voice with a faded English accent calls out to me.