Chapter 69 Georgia Blue
It’s hard to stay awake, but even with my eyes closed, I can sense the light coming over the horizon when dawn arrives. I feel sand beneath me, rough and dirty. I smell the ocean. I hear the waves.
I should be angry. Angry that Andrew stole my song, shot me up with drugs, carried me out into the cold, left me here alone.
He took my notebook, all the fragments I haven’t finished.
“Imposter Syndrome” and the song I wrote for him.
The song I wrote for my little girl, the one that spilled out of me before Andrew shot me up with whatever is coursing through my system now.
But for once in my desperately angry life, I’m serene. Instead of thinking about Andrew and how much I want to punish him for what he did to me, I’m thinking about Amelia Blue.
Would she listen, if I sang to her? Maybe not. She’s sick and tired of the sound of my voice. She thinks I talk too much, but there’s so much I never told her.
Tonight, I tried to put everything I never said into that song. But now my brain is fuzzy and my notebook is gone. I struggle to remember the lyrics.
I want the sun to set over the ocean,
I need to get back to my side of the sea,
I can’t spend another second
so far from the heart of me.
I’ll write it all over again if I have to.
I found the words once, I can find them a second time.
I’ll find them as many times as I need to, until Amelia Blue gets my message.
Maybe every song I’ll ever write for the rest of my life will be that song, over and over again. In my head, the chorus rises.
But I’m a Bad Mother,
They don’t make ’em like me
No more
You deserve better than a
Bad Mother,
Baby Girl.
The second verse will tell her how deeply she was wanted, how much we’d hoped to protect her.
I want to walk the sand with your feet next to mine,
Want to tell you ’bout all the times,
Your daddy and I dreamed of you,
We wanted to give you such a sheltered life,
we were gonna do it right, us two.
I can hear my fears and apologies, my ache to be a good mother.
Sweet Girl,
Darling Pearl.
You see I hid the truth,
I didn’t want you to know —
Why your good father had to go.
So I ran away,
Thought at least that way
I could be a
Good Mother.
In the state I’m in, I can’t write or sing aloud, but somehow I can see the words of the bridge dancing across my brain.
I wanted so much, and I can’t be sorry
for wanting so much,
that need came from inside me.
I wanted to be a star, shining bright,
wanted a man who lit up the night,
I wanted fame,
to win the game,
And I wanted to give you my own name.
I wanted it all, but never more
than I wanted to be your Good Mother,
Baby Girl.
The song won’t have a catchy chorus or a bouncing melody. It will never be a hit like the singles Joni Jewell drops for her fans. But it’s something true, and that’s all I care about now.
Now I only want to tell you why I lied,
Why I didn’t turn the tide.
I’m so sorry, Little Girl,
So sorry, Precious Pearl,
But I believe there’s still time
Gonna do it right, gonna walk the line.
Like magic, I can hear my girl singing along. It’s been so long since she’s spoken to me, but I know her voice as well as my own. It’s my favorite sound. I can still hear her begging me to take her to the beach like she did when she was very young.
I’ll take you tomorrow, I said, confident that I had time for the right tomorrow to arrive.
I fight to stay awake. I don’t want to miss a single syllable she has to say ever again.
Another voice, deep and thick with emotion, asks me, Will she be all right?
Scott sounds so close, so real, that if I could lift my hands, I would reach for him, across the veil that’s separated us since he left. I thought my love could save him. I was wrong.
But it’s not too late for our girl.
Gonna walk on the beach with your feet next to mine
My baby girl at my side
I’ll tell you true, won’t ever lie
Not a Bad Mother
But a good mother,
A good mother,
I’m a good mother.
Finally, I let myself sleep, the sound of my daughter’s voice in my head like a lullaby.