Chapter 9
Gillian
I go through half my closet trying to pick the perfect first date outfit before settling on my favorite soft cardigan. In an effort to burn off my nervous energy, I walk to meet Winny. The diner isn't far and it’s not too frigid today, at least for December.
The sky is a hazy twilight gray even though it’s not quite four. The sun setting in the middle of the afternoon and the festive lights twinkling in front of most of the homes and businesses I pass are stark reminders that Solstice is almost upon us.
The touch tank closed early today for a fundraising event, and driving home in daylight was a nice change.
It's been dark by the time my extended care students get picked up these last few months. I might’ve let the taste of daylight lull me into thinking the weather is nicer than it is.
The wind whipping at my hair and tickling my neck makes me think I might regret walking by the end of the night, but for now the cold is bracing.
The air has that crisp clarity to it that always seems to come before it snows.
The kids will love that. I'm not looking forward to shoveling the driveway, but sculpting snow shifters with the kids for solstice will be fun.
That and warming back up with cider afterward.
Even with my winter jacket layered over my favorite cardigan, the chill is getting to me.
I wrap my arms around myself for extra warmth and walk a little faster, there's still a spring in my step from all the things I'm looking forward to.
After my chat with Trudy, I'm feeling a whole lot better about life in general. Trudy and I are back on solid ground, even if I’m going to have to fight with her about how generous she’s insisting on being with helping me out financially.
I’m not too proud to accept enough help to move out on my own though.
Especially since I got a brief reply to my inquiry that the apartment I was interested in is still available.
The listing for a roomshare in a two-bedroom apartment is perfect.
I can move in ASAP, and once I pay the upfront costs with a deposit and a couple months of rent, I can comfortably afford the place with my salary.
And it might be nice to have a roommate, as long as we get along.
I need to message Harvey, the property manager, to set up a meeting after my date, but it looks promising.
Soon I'll have the cozy hidey hole my inner octopus craves.
A private sanctuary I don't have to rely on anyone else to allow me to exist in.
Emphasis on the private, cause last night with Winny telling me just how to fuck myself was the merest taste of something I've craved but never dared to reach for.
And now that I know a dominant woman telling me exactly what to do in bed is as wonderful as it seemed in my head, I want so much more of it.
Her. Not just having a powerful woman bossing me around, Winny specifically.
I'm excited for this date. Thinking about her, imagining what we might do with an entire evening full of possibilities spooling out ahead of us has me bouncing with each step and my pulse fluttering.
Will she be as into me in person? Will it feel the same without the screen between us, like a technological layer of clothing still left to shed before we're fully naked in the same room? How will that full exposure feel?
I freeze up on the sidewalk, toes curling tight in a jumble of anticipation and dread that would turn my chromatophores a muddy shade of mauve if I let them show through in my human form right now. Whatever quirk of misfiring synapses decided to make excited feel so much like anxious sucks.
My octopus wants to hide from all the unknowns and worst-case scenarios.
I appease her by huddling further into my jacket, tugging the puffy material tighter around me.
Trying to remind her I'm safe with words is pointless, but pressure like that can reassure that side of me that there's no need to shift and find a convenient crevasse to disappear into.
My inner octopus is close to the surface whenever I get worked up like this, ready for a shift at a moment's notice.
Adrenaline from worrying how a date will go feels the same to her as a near miss with a bus or a dolphin.
She seems to think that the crevasse option should be our exit plan if things with Winny show the slightest sign of going off course.
‘Your concerns are noted,’ I think at her. I'm not about to let my other side's instincts fuck this up for us, but she's still a part of me so it's impossible to ignore her completely. And right on cue the panicky sense that I should bail before Winny can have a chance to reject me first rears up.
See? You aren't worth keeping around and you never will be.
How many times do you need to prove it? That voice isn't coming from my octopus.
That's Mom's honey and arsenic tone, the one that insists I'm not being mean, just telling it like it is.
I wish I could claw the memories of her and her hateful words right out of my head, but I can't.
My octopus is shoving at me with the urgency to get us somewhere safe.
Except we are safe right here on the sidewalk.
There aren't any dolphins ready to turn us into a snack.
If it wouldn't risk destroying my favorite sweater, I'd give in to a partial shift and wrap myself in a couple of extra limbs for comfort, but I am going on this date and I am going to look good when I do, tides take it all.
Every part of me needs to calm the fuck down for that to happen though.
I inhale the freezing air deep into my lungs and watch the white puff of my long exhale.
Focusing on my breathing doesn't stop the racing thoughts.
So I drown them out with something else until it's not such an effort to keep my breathing steady.
This is a scar, not a scab. True says that a lot.
Enough that it feels like she's hugging me close to repeat the words to myself until I can't hear anything else and I realize I'm not shaking and on the verge of an involuntary shift anymore.
The words are comforting because they come from her, and it doesn't hurt that she's right.
Her lecture that goes with the Truism is also annoyingly accurate.
Just because the wound healed doesn't mean it never left a mark on me.
When something touches it, I'm going to flinch like it might cut me back open, so I need to accept how it impacts my reactions to other people and figure out how those rewired nerves work now.
And I can work with them or fight against them, but fighting a strong wave generally leaves you stuck in place and exhausted.
True is annoyingly right far too often, hazards of loving a nerd.
The wind picks back up and I glance around a bit self-consciously to see if anyone witnessed my little brush with panic.
If the handful of other shifters braving the gusty day noticed anything amiss, they aren't acting like it.
All this standing around makes it seem like the cold is seeping into my bones.
'You know, we don't have to have bones all the time,' my inner octopus reminds me. She shoves the memory of the luxurious tub in my room into my head. 'Heck, give me the helm and we can be back home and soaking in a warm bath instead of exploring risky waters with this bird.'
I snort at the petulant thought and push back with the memory of Winny telling me just exactly how to fuck myself with my tentacles.
The reminder of what I did with Winny in the safe confines of that tub last night only pours fuel on my desire to see what it's like to taste her skin with my suckers.
'We could just float in the illusion of safety, clinging to our familiar tide pool until it dries up.
But then we'd never get to taste all the prey a new current brings.
' I shoot back. I push all those desires toward my other side.
How it will feel to wrap Winny in my tentacles.
Fuck her just the way she asks—no commands—from me.
I shiver at the thought of being laid utterly bare before her.
Yep, nothing is keeping me away from this date.
'Arms,' my octopus snaps back waspishly.
'Arms,' I agree. 'Unless she's asking us to hold her down while we fill her pussy with them.'
We're poised in a standoff for another heartbeat, then she softens.
My awareness of my octopus side backs away from the skin-itching brink of an instinct-driven shift.
She leaves me with a flash of an answering fantasy.
My implacable octopus arms pinning my human limbs to the mattress while Winny teases my clit until slick drips down my thighs and tears leak from my eyes from the intensity of my arousal.
The briny taste of my sweat and tears and slick mingling with my sweet dragon's floods our sensitive suckers. 'I liked it too. She tastes like old books and fresh cookies. Like her pretty words about how we'd be safe in her dragon hoard. Just don't want to get hurt,' my octopus admits.
I want to promise that won't happen, but I can't. Not really. All I can promise is that the way Winny makes both halves of me feel is worth the risk.
'I know. We'll do it your way if it comes to that, just…
it feels like those times when you know in ways my human senses can't comprehend that there's something delicious buried in the sand and I get all squirmy about grit in our gills you know?
There's something about her that calls to me like that.
Trust me to find us something sweet this time? '
'Obviously, two-arms. You are me. Honestly.
It's a wonder I ever let us walk around on two legs with all these silly human notions you come up with,' she grumbles at the back of my mind as she settles back into her usual quiescent watching.
Always a part of me, whether I'm consciously aware of her or not.
Like the way my lungs keep breathing regardless of whether I'm focused on each breath or asleep.
And the way our hearts beat without conscious thought whether its the one human organ or all three in our octopus form.
I don't know if other shifters talk to their animal side like that. Sometimes when I mention things she says I get the impression it's weird to think of her as a distinct personality. It doesn’t matter if it’s weird, I find it comforting to connect with my aquatic side that way.
After True moved away to university, there were long stretches of lonely silence where my octopus was the only person I had to talk with, so that's just how we are now.
The counselor True made me see after I moved in with her said it's fine, healthy even, as long as I understand that my octopus is part of me, not a separate entity.
Still, I'm glad my octopus side is on the same page about this date. I want it to go well.
I walk more briskly to warm up, and I can admit to myself that I'm eager to see my crush.
I'm so eager, and more to the point, distracted, that I don't notice the dark patch of ice in the lee of the building as I round the corner next to the diner.
My foot slides out from under me and my arms windmill as I try to catch my balance even as I stumble forward, careening toward the plateglass door just as another shifter steps outside.
My octopus surges forward, ready to take care of my all too breakable bones at the speed of thought. That would fuck up the outfit I spent far too long angsting over though, so I hold her back as I brace for impact.
Instead of toppling into the other shifter and both of us ending up in a heap on the ground, hands land light but firm on my hips to steady me.
"Ooph," the other shifter grunts with the effort of catching my fall and holding me upright.
"Tides! Sorry," I sway, tensing at the touch and look up into Winny's concerned eyes as I catch my balance and my breath.
I’m almost bowled over again at the depth of the concern shining in her eyes as they meet mine.
"Whoa! That was a close one. Are you alright?" Winny asks, sounding as startled as I am at the abrupt encounter.
"Thanks to you, yeah," I say, my voice is so damn breathy I sound like an actor in a bad porno.
I know I should step back, brush myself off, but I can't tear my gaze away from hers. Like wow, I'm too dazzled by the way she's watching me to care that I'm gazing up at her with a naked longing that must make my feelings obvious, even without my chromatophores.
I want her fingers to grip my hips harder, pull me closer. Her lips to crash down onto mine like breakers on the shore. I want her to wash over me, inexorable as the tides. I want her to overpower me and take tender care of me. I want...all the things, but mostly, I want Winny.