Birdie
The social worker left as soon as Beau finished signing the paperwork.
I’d pulled out a few outfits that she brought along and tried to get things organized as best I could.
At least there was one pair of cozy pajamas and a cute little onesie with little leggings that we could dress her in tomorrow when we’d need to go into town.
Right now, I had the little peanut between my legs with a blanket on the floor, changing her diaper while Beau got her bottle ready. He hadn’t really said a word to me since Ms. Slater left, but I could hear his thoughts screaming from that rock-hard head of his.
“Alright, gumdrop, let’s get you in these jammies and see what we can do about getting you that night-night bottle.
” Juniper’s eyes, which were transfixed on the lights in the bathroom, found my face.
She gave me a gummy smile, and I couldn’t help it.
I reached out for her foot and pressed my lips against her soft skin.
She was the most beautiful baby. Even if it hadn’t been the shock of a lifetime to walk downstairs and see a baby in a car seat with Beau looking like he was about to pass out, I think I would have instantly known she was his.
Her eyes were big and so blue; there was no doubt in my mind they would stay that color as she grew.
They were a perfect match for his. Her lips, too.
But her hair—already long and the most beautiful shade of brown that caught rainbows when it hit the light just right—had to be from her mom.
I wish I knew more about her. I wish I had been able to meet her. To have something to keep her memory alive for Juniper.
“Does she have stinky toes?” Beau’s silly question pulled me out of my thoughts. I released her little foot from my mouth, slipping it into the cool pajamas before working the rest of her wiggly limbs into the bedtime outfit.
“She has the sweetest little toes I think I’ve ever seen.” My response softened the worried look he gave as he stood over the both of us.
“Here’s her bottle. I’m going to work on getting that travel play thing set up for her tonight.”
He was avoiding holding Juniper ever since I’d first taken her so he’d have his hands free to get things together.
Granted, the little thing had covered him in spit up as soon as the social worker’s car drove away, so maybe he hadn’t quite recovered from that.
“Okay. I think she might be content for a few minutes if you want to set it up, and then do her bottle, too.”
I watched as the muscles in his throat stretched and constricted while he swallowed. “No. I should make sure she has somewhere safe to sleep. You don’t mind, do you?” He held out the bottle, waiting as I scooped Juniper up in my arms before he grabbed my elbow to help stabilize us both as I stood.
“I don’t mind.” I carried Juniper back to the bed, settling against Beau’s pillows.
My God. I would have thought I’d have been asleep for a couple of hours at this point.
My body was starting to feel it; the exhaustion, trying to heal from what happened during my shift.
But there were two people counting on me to help them through the night now, and I wasn’t about to let my best friend, or the daughter he just found out he had, down.
Testing the formula’s temperature on the inside of my wrist, Beau had gotten it just right. He was a hands-on uncle, so it shouldn’t surprise me that he’d have that down pat. I barely even touched the bottle to Juniper’s lips, and she latched right on.
“She’s a good eater,” I whispered. Beau didn’t look back at us, his frustrated grumbles only interrupted for a moment as he listened to me before returning to the Pack ‘n Play set up.
By the time Juniper had half the bottle sucked down, her eyelids were starting to droop. I popped the bottle out of her mouth and brought her up to my shoulder for a sleepy burp before returning her to the pillow to have the second half of her bottle.
As quickly as she’d latched onto the bottle, she was asleep. I gently removed the bottle from between her lips, lightly shushing as I stood and walked her over to Beau.
“Thank you,” he whispered, his hand resting on my back as I leaned over and placed Juniper on the mat at the bottom of the Pack ‘n Play. My side pulled sharply, and I had to bite the inside of my cheek before I groaned.
I steadied my breathing, the pain subsiding as I stood back up. “Of course.”
Something about that moment, about standing with Beau over his baby girl, had a wave of emotion crashing over me. I sniffed, turning away to finally get in bed.
“Birdie?”
My head shook back and forth as I pulled the comforter down and slipped under the cool sheets. “I’m exhausted, and I know you are, too. Come on, it’s bedtime for all of us.”
“Is she going to be okay?” he asked, still standing next to her.
“She’s got her pajamas on and a full belly. The fan is going, which is recommended to lower the risk of SIDs. She’s going to do just fine. But you need to get some rest, because I’m fairly sure she’s going to wake up again in a few hours wanting another bottle.”
Beau nodded, finally tearing his eyes away from Juniper as he walked into his closet.
My head hit the pillows as Beau walked back out, shorts slung low across his hips, a fresh t-shirt in his hands.
I didn’t mean to stare, but I loved his tattoos.
The way they covered his arms and his chest. The way his muscles moved the artwork so it looked alive.
He quirked an eyebrow at me as he pulled the clean shirt over his head. I could feel the heat climbing my cheeks as he got into bed beside me, but opted to ignore his questioning stare.
“Do you want me to sleep on the couch?” I asked as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest. My side pulled again, and I buried my face in his fresh shirt before he saw me wince.
“Absolutely not. You’re right where you belong.”
I nodded, his steady heartbeat already lulling me to sleep.
“I’m so sorry, Birdie.” His whispered apology had my eyes popping back open.
“Sorry for what?” I asked.
“I just…I can’t believe I have a daughter.”
I tipped my head up, catching his eyes staring back at me.
“It’s going to be okay.”
“Am I doing the right thing?” The nightlight I’d dug out of his catch-all drawer in the kitchen was plugged in right near Beau’s bed, and thanks to the pale-yellow light, I could see his eyes begin to fill with tears. My rock-steady best friend was crumbling.
“Of course you are,” I replied as I pushed off his chest. I sat next to him, resting my back on the headboard as my arms wrapped around my knees. “She doesn’t belong anywhere else.”
“She deserves to have someone who knows what they’re doing. I have no idea how to be a dad. I mean, I knew it would happen one day, but…”
“Life threw us a curve ball. A beautiful, nearly five month old blessing of a curve ball. She needs you, Beau.”
He shook his head. “She doesn’t even know me.”
“Could have fooled me. Because not once did she fuss in your arms. Babies know when they’re safe, and they let it be known when they don’t feel that way. From what I saw tonight, you’re going to be just fine.”
He slid his hand over mine, his thumb stroking my skin. “I don’t know what I would have done without you here. Thank you for staying.”
“Don’t mention it. Especially since I was already planning on spending the night, and I wasn’t about to drive back to my house.” I laughed, a smile now spreading across his face. “Besides, I was doomed from the minute I saw she has your eyes.”
“Yeah…Oh God,” he groaned.
“What?”
“I just realized how many times I used my eyes to get me outta trouble…And my dimples. Did you see hers? They are kryptonite.”
I laughed. “Yeah, Cowboy. I’m sure she’ll learn that trick fast. But you’ll handle it just fine. If your parents could somehow wrangle you, we can handle her.”
“We?”
I cleared my throat. “I take my role as an aunt very seriously. She’ll always be able to come to me. I promise.”
Something flickered across his face, but I couldn’t quite understand why it looked like disappointment.
Whatever it was, it made me want to slide back down under the blanket and roll away from him. And that’s just what I did.
Until warm arms wrapped around me, and I couldn’t resist turning back in toward his heart.
The rays from the early morning sunrise hit my face and brought me back to reality. Stretching before my eyes even opened, I let out a gasp as pain flared in my side.
Damn, I forgot about that.
I felt the bed dip at my hip. “Are you okay?” Beau whispered as I finally got my sleepy eyes open.
His hand swept away the hair covering my face.
My eyes focused on him, and the shadows on his face told me he hadn’t slept at all.
As if to confirm my suspicions, he bounced a sleeping baby in his other arm.
“Fine,” I whispered back, not wanting to wake the baby if he’d just gotten her back to sleep. “Did you put her down at all last night?”
Beau shook his head as I sat up against the headboard.
“She woke up whimpering about an hour after we put her in there, and I just couldn’t do it again.
I don’t like that playpen, it doesn’t seem like a good spot for her to be.
There’s so much space, and she’s so tiny.
We spent a lot of the night downstairs, just getting to know each other. ”
God, this man. “That’s really sweet, but the playpen is a safe place for her to sleep. And you need rest, too.”
“Tonight. Right now, I need a plan. I’ve tried to think of what the hell I need to do next, but every time I look at her, I’m so lost. I should have had time to wrap my mind around this. I should have had time to get things ready for her.”
My hand reached up to rub across his back. “You should have, you’re right.”
“She had my full name, Chickadee. She could have found me.” The sorrow that filled his face made my eyes sting with tears.
“I know.”
“Why didn’t she find me?”