Beau
“Ilove you, Juniper. Sleep tight, don’t let those pesky bedbugs bite.”
Ma used to say that to me growing up. And I really loved getting to share it with my daughter. Closing the door quietly behind me, I tiptoed down the hallway, expecting to find Birdie in my bedroom.
We’d been moving around each other like two planets in orbit, never quite getting back to that place we were at when we kissed. But God, I wanted to. I was desperate to pull her against my body and kiss her until that moan that bounced around her chest consumed me.
I understood the distance; we had never crossed that line before.
Being a safe place for Birdie, especially growing up when her dad left and then her mom taking off, that was most important.
We grew into the comfort of getting close to that edge, but never, ever going over it.
I didn’t mind being the cowboy she loved to cuddle, because it felt so fucking special to watch her finally relax anytime my arms were around her…
But that was why I never pushed before. Especially if she was worried or feeling emotional.
We were just…best friends. There for each other, no matter what.
Except now that I’d kissed her, now that I’d held her and my daughter in my arms so many times I was losing count, the feelings I’d always pushed down were becoming too hard to ignore.
I wanted her. Not just fingers brushing as we passed Juniper to each other. Not just cuddles in bed. Not just an interrupted moment, or a kiss that never lasted long enough.
If things stayed the same, Birdie was going to leave.
She was going to go back to her house, and this fucking bubble of happiness was going to burst. I knew we agreed on only a few weeks of her being here, and things were getting easier with Juniper.
But was that because I was getting more confident, or because she was always here, ready to help me if I needed it?
Fuck. She belonged here. So I could show her how good things could be for the three of us.
So we could spend time together as a family.
So I could love on both of my girls.
The solid front door was open, just the screen in place as the cool, spring breeze drifted through my house.
I loved when the weather switched suddenly from those crisp, icy days of early spring to days that suddenly felt like summertime.
When the days were unexpectedly warm and the sunshine settled deep into your bones.
I looked out at Birdie sitting on the front steps, and the truth smacked me hard, square in my chest. Being around Birdie was like having my own eternal perfect day with me.
Each time she walked into the room, a bit of sunshine came with her.
A bit of light that didn’t exist anywhere else in the world.
She was my best friend.
And I loved her.
I couldn’t keep avoiding it. Not now. Not with everything on the line. Because it killed me to let her walk out of the room before when I should have just said what I was thinking. What I should have confessed to feeling for fucking decades now.
Striding towards the door, I tumbled out onto the porch, my shaky legs wobbling like a newborn foal. I was about to make the biggest proclamation of my life, and there I was, stumbling around like an idiot. Classic.
My hand moved to touch Birdie’s shoulder to let her know I was there, but before I got close enough, I heard her sniff. She was crying. What the fuck happened?
“No, no, Lainey. I do support you. I am—” Her shoulders fell. “I’m just a little worried that—”
Her sister’s voice filtered through the phone, but it wasn’t loud enough for me to make out what she was saying.
All I knew was that Lainey had it made in life with a big sister like Birdie.
The things her grown-ass sister demanded…
I would have been tackling one of my brothers to the ground and knocked them out if they spoke to me the way Lainey did to Birdie.
Plus, Lainey was a bitch to Jessie in high school. I might not be the best big brother, but she was on my shit list for life because of that.
Birdie sighed, and I went back to eavesdropping.
“I’m not mad, or disappointed in you. You’re a grown woman.
You’re getting married, and we can still plan the wedding for before—oh, okay.
No, we can definitely push it off. Have you called Mom?
She’d want—no, no. She got a new number a few months ago.
I thought I gave it to you, but I can text it again.
Yes, but she’d want to know…” Birdie sniffed again, her fingers brushing the tears off her face.
“Okay, I understand. I love you and we’ll talk more soon? Okay. Bye.”
She pulled the phone away from her face and let it fall down the steps. It landed with a thud in the dirt at the same time I sat down next to her.
Birdie’s arms wrapped around her waist and her body shook next to mine. Silky, golden strands of hair curtained her face, and I reached out, tucking the hair on the side closest to me back behind her ear.
“What’s wrong?” I asked as her head rolled to rest on my shoulder. “Why are you crying, Chickadee?”
“It’s fine.” Her breath hitched as I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and pulled her further into my side. She fit so perfectly there. Like our bodies were just made to cocoon each other. “Sorry for falling apart.”
“Don’t apologize. Just tell me what it is. We’ll figure it out together.”
Her head shook against my neck. “It’s really nothing. I’m being silly. Hormonal. I’d rather…just give me a minute.”
We sat there, my arm around her back, gently rocking us back and forth under the setting sun until her breathing steadied. The tears were still there, still streaming down her face, but she was calming down.
“Lainey’s pregnant,” she whispered.
Shit. I groaned, my eyes rolling to the sky before I could close them. “Want me to kill her asshole fiancé?” Greg was the worst. Stuck up rich asshole who thought he was the most important person in any room he walked into, and although I thought they deserved each other, I knew it ate Birdie up.
“No.” Her laugh was watery and humorless. “She’s a grown woman. I may hate that she’s with him, but that’s who she fell in love with. It’s her choice. And she’s so happy. She…She kept it from me. She thought I’d be disappointed in her.” Her breath hitched again.
My stomach cramped. “She hid it? How far along is she?”
“Five months.” Birdie bit down on her bottom lip, and I knew she was trying to hold back everything she was thinking. “She only told me because she’s starting to show and can’t hide it anymore. Why would she think she needed to hide it from me, Beau? I’m happy for her.”
My eyes narrowed as my finger captured one of her runaway tears. “You don’t have to bullshit me, Chickadee. It’s just the two of us out here right now, and these don’t feel like happy tears.”
Her head shook back and forth, the weight of the truth sitting heavy between us. “I don’t think they are,” she admitted.
“Want to talk about it?”
She sighed. “I’m just emotional. There’s nothing to talk about. Just a silly thought I had a long time ago. But it doesn’t matter now.”
I pressed my thumb under her chin, tipping it so I could look in her eyes. “It matters to me.”
She swallowed, her lips parting slightly and, Christ, I was having a hell of a time not kissing her. “I just thought it would be me.”
“Engaged and pregnant with a douche-bag’s baby? I would never let that happen to you.”
She laughed, but there was still no spark behind the sound. It hurt my chest. “No. It’s just…It’s hard to explain.”
“Try. For me.”
She sighed, her shoulders rolling forward as she tried to fold in on herself.
“I’ve always been the mom, but it’s never been my own family.
When my dad left, I was the shoulder my mom cried on.
When she was so depressed she couldn’t get out of bed, I picked up the slack.
I mean, I’ve practically been Lainey’s most reliable parent our whole lives.
All the good memories she has, all the birthday parties, all the Christmases with presents under the tree, all the cheer competitions and ballet classes were because I worked my ass off earning money to get those things for her.
And I love my job, but day in and day out, I help other women on their journeys to becoming moms. I’m literally the first person to hold these babies when they come into the world, and none of them are mine.
It’s not my family there. It’s not my family here in this house.
I don’t have a family, Beau. No one is mine to keep.
I’m closing in on forty so fast, and no one has ever loved me enough to want to keep me. ”
“You’re wrong.” There was no room in my words for argument, but the way her body straightened in my arms, I knew she would still try to. “You’re so wrong. Because you’ve been my family since kindergarten.”
She scoffed, shaking her head. “That’s different. We’re best friends.”
My hand reached over to hers, and I laced our fingers together. The sun was almost completely lost under the horizon, and I felt the cold from her fingertips sink into my rough skin. “Do best friends make out with each other?”
Her breath caught. “You were just saying thank you to me…”
I laughed. “Birdie, I do not stick my tongue down someone’s throat just to say thank you. How awkward would work be every day if I did?”
“I think I’m going to blush every time I see Travis or Kip now.”
“What?” I raised my eyebrow. “You don’t think I’m Frenching Denver? He’s going to be insulted you left him out.”
A true, blinding smile filled her face, pushing her sun-kissed freckles closer to her eyes.
“I’ll make sure to tell him I’m sorry for making assumptions the next time I see him.” Her shoulder bounced into mine playfully.
“You don’t need to say a thing to him, because the only person I’m thinking about kissing, the only person I want to kiss over and over again, is you.”