Birdie
Iwrapped the blanket I’d grabbed off the couch as I stormed out to the porch tighter around my shoulders. There was this unsettled feeling buzzing underneath my skin. Like I was still being watched, even though no one was really there.
Maybe it was the non-stop messages my mom was sending me.
I hadn’t heard from her in weeks; she hadn’t answered any of my messages with any sort of urgency.
But that’s how it was. When she called, I had better answer.
When I called, she didn’t want to deal with it.
With me. Sometimes I wondered why my mom and dad even chose to have kids.
The hair prickled on the back of my neck. Not from the warm breeze that was blowing little strands of my hair all around. No. It was from that same feeling I’d had all day.
And I knew I couldn’t say anything to Beau. Because he was already looking at me like I’d lost my mind. Maybe I had.
Why hadn’t I thought to invite my sister?
No, I didn’t need to ask myself that question, because I already knew the answer: she wasn’t a safe person for me. I was her support system, but she wasn’t mine. Everyone here on this ranch, they were who I needed. A tear slipped down my face as the front door opened.
“Mind if I join you?” Nate asked as he stepped into the fresh air.
“Not at all.” I swiped the edge of the blanket across my cheek, hoping he wouldn’t notice. But he did.
“You okay?”
I laughed, but I couldn’t be bothered to fill it with any emotion. No. I wasn’t okay. “Not at all.” Those repeated words were the truth. I was barely holding on. “Just trying…I wanted things to feel normal. My body keeps reminding me of what happened, and I wanted to forget.”
“You need time.” Nate said it like it was something so simple to give myself. Something I could just wait for. “It’s only been a day.”
“I know. It’s the same thing I’ve said to the women who come into the clinic, or who I take care of at the hospital…
after something bad happens. I give them the resources.
Tell them to talk to a therapist. Urge them to give themselves time and grace.
But there’s rational Birdie who gets that, and then there’s the Birdie who needs to be better for Beau.
For Juniper. For everyone in that house.
Even when I feel like he’s watching me. Waiting for me… ”
He nodded, his brows pulling together slightly as he crossed his arms over his chest. “Have I ever mentioned why I wanted to become a deputy?”
Nate was leaning against the banister, calm and collected. But there was something in his voice. A hint of emotion I didn’t recognize from him. “No. I don’t think you have.”
His face fell, a gentle nod as he looked over his shoulder for a moment, at the wide open field that filled the space in front of Beau’s house.
“My mom. It’s always been for my mom.” His hand ran over his face. “My dad was a bastard. Always yelling, drunk or high for most of my childhood.”
“Nate, that’s awful.”
He nodded. “Yeah, it was tough. I see families like the Fords, and it makes me wonder how different life would have been growing up with that steady sort of love. The love you knew would keep you safe. I mean, I know Danny was stern, but it was out of love. My dad hit me to keep me in line, but the line always moved. I never knew what safety was around him.”
My heart broke for my friend. “No child should have to go through that.”
“You’re right, they shouldn’t. But my mom had no resources.
She had no support. My father had financially isolated her.
He pushed her friends out of her life, one by one.
Even my aunts, and my grandparents. All just…
gone from our lives. My dad…” His eyes dropped to my neck, and he swallowed.
I couldn’t keep my fingers from dusting over the tender bruises I knew had bloomed to a horrific color all over my skin.
“Anyway, it doesn’t matter. We got away. For a while.”
The way he said that sent chills down my spine. “What happened?”
“There aren’t many places for women with kids to go when they are fleeing an abuser in this county. We ended up at a shelter while my mom tried to get her feet under her. I found out later that he watched us. Waited. Planned.”
“Oh, God.”
Nate nodded. “Two deputies came to school one day. They were kind, didn’t say anything when I cried. They came to her funeral, shook my hand. Told me they knew I’d make her proud one day.”
“You have. I know you have.”
His eyes finally met mine, and my heart broke seeing them filled with the tears I could hear in his voice.
“When I joined the Sheriff’s Department, the very first shift I worked was with one of those deputies.
He’s always treated me the same as everyone else.
Never brought up my history. Never mentioned the way we were connected to each other before I wore the badge.
He’s only ever pulled me aside once, Birdie.
That was this morning, when he asked me to join him in coming to take your statement. ”
“Colt? He was one of the deputies?”
He nodded. “We’ve run domestics before. And I’ve always kept my cool.
But Colt and everyone else in that house…
and out here on the porch…feel like family to me now.
He knew hearing what you went through, seeing what that asshole did to you, it was going to trigger something in me.
And it did. I know it’s not the same, a faceless man versus a monster you know.
But that almost feels worse to me. Because I know you’ll question every person you see now.
Beau will keep you safe. I mean, Jesus, the way I had to pretend I didn’t hear him say he was going to kill the guy eighty times when we were here this morning.
” I smiled at that. I was almost certain I’d talked Beau off that ledge, but it was good to know Nate had his back, too.
“But those marks…what your attacker did…” Nate cleared his throat.
“No matter what, no matter what time of day or night it is…if you feel like you’re in danger, you stick with Beau or get somewhere safe, and call me.
Even if it’s just something in your gut, Birdie.
My mom didn’t listen to hers. I want you to listen to yours.
No matter what, I’ll come walk down the ranch. I’ll come make sure you’re safe.”
I pushed off the swing, my arms wrapping around Nate so quickly I knocked the wind out of myself, pulling my muscles in a way they weren’t ready for. But I didn’t care.
“Thank you,” I whispered as I felt his chest shake against mine. “Your mom would be so proud of you. What an incredible friend you are. What you did for Colt and Vi, what you’re willing to do for me…you’ll always have a place at my table, okay?”
He sniffed, rubbing his eyes as the sound of the screen door opening hit my ears.
“Everything okay?” Beau’s voice carried over my shoulder. I gave Nate another squeeze before turning and wrapping my arms around Beau’s waist.
“Everything’s fine.”
“Nate?”
I heard his throat clear. “Yeah, man. I’m good. Give me one sec and I’ll be back inside.”
“Okay. Supper’s ready. So whenever, man. Just come on in.”
Beau’s hand slipped around my hips, cradling me to him as we walked back into the house.
“Want to tell me what that was about?” he asked.
“Nate was just letting me know that I can call him if I ever feel like something is wrong out here. I think I just made him nervous when I mentioned feeling like someone was watching me.”
“And the tears in his eyes?” Beau’s voice dropped so low I could barely hear the words he’d said, even though his mouth was right next to my ear.
“It’s not my story to share. Come on, let’s go have dinner.”