19. Carolina
Chapter nineteen
Carolina
W hen I agreed to an impromptu braiding tutorial this evening, I certainly didn’t anticipate shamelessly grinding on Berg’s lap until I got off. Not that I’m complaining. He blocks my hand from wiggling any further into his shorts, but not before I feel how bad he wants this too.
“No, Caro. That was enough.”
“We could make each other feel even better,” I say, even though I already know the answer.
He shakes his head and I groan as he sets a firm limit, even though I know he’s right. Sighing into every kiss he presses against my sensitive skin, I relax into the solid man beneath me. I can’t help my wandering hands as I smooth them over his strong arms and chest, kneading him like I’m a freaking cat in heat. My cheeks are pink and hot from his beard rasping against my skin. He avoids my mouth, and my lips ache with want.
“I have to go, Caro.”
I sigh, still leaning into his touch. “Is this where you say ‘this was a mistake’?”
He leans his head back, the recliner groaning beneath our weight.
“Mistake? No. Perhaps…unwise?”
“Irresponsible?” I suggest.
“What is with you and that word?”
I shrug, trying to ignore the fact that I’m still perched on his lap, wet and willing. And that he’s still impressively hard against my thigh and I really want a peek.
“Look at me, Berg. I’m living in your suite because my brother called in a favour. I had a crappy job at a bar and–”
“We aren’t doing this,” he says, tucking my hair behind my ears.
“What?”
“Not doing a pity party where we talk about all the things we suck at.”
I shrug, feeling called out. “It’s cathartic.”
“I don’t think it is. I think it’s highly probable that the more we say these things about ourselves, the more we believe them. The more comfortable we get in wearing those beliefs like a second skin.”
“Hmm. ”
Berg is giving therapist vibes right now, but his advice doesn’t sound like he’s trying to mansplain negative self-talk to me. In fact, it sounds like he’s speaking from experience.
“Do you…have thoughts like that?”
“All the damn time.”
“Like what?” I whisper, tipping my head into one of his palms.
Berg shifts me easily, turning me so that I’m sitting sideways on his lap with his chin resting atop my head. I lean against his chest, breathing in the scent of him. Our new position takes the passion down a notch, but it’s just as intimate to be cradled in his lap.
“That I yell too much when I am frustrated with the girls. That they aren’t getting what they need from only one parent. That I’m going to fail them as they…mature, and I’m not going to be able to teach them what a couple of teenage girls ought to know.”
I’m silent while I take all that in, and I sort of feel like my problems pale in comparison. Berg is worried about the literal lives of two tiny people.
“I love them so much,” he says, the vibration of his voice so comforting and real against my side.
“They’re pretty special.”
After only a few days, even I can see that.
“I made a dumb mistake last year, and I’m still having a hard time coming to terms with it. You know? ”
“Well, we all deserve some grace from ourselves. Is there anything you can do to fix it?”
I bite my lip. “No. Not anymore. But for a while I thought there was. It’s hard to accept that fact that the money is go–”
It must be because I’m so comfortable, but the words tumble out of my mouth too quickly. By the time I process what I’ve said, I know Berg has zeroed right in on the important ones like a homing missile.
“What money, Carolina?” he asks, his tone serious.
“I, um…lost some?”
Berg’s lips turn down at the corners in disapproval. “You lost it.”
“Yeah…to a person.”
“That’s called stealing, I believe.”
“Right, but I actually loaned the money willingly and now it’s long gone.”
“Look, I don’t want you to think I was being nosy, but I saw a text message that day our phones got mixed up. Was that the guy?”
It didn’t occur to me that he might have seen that. I feel slightly sick at the idea he could have mentioned it to my brother.
“Yes.”
Berg groans like I just dropped the weight of the world into his hands. “Chris must have been pissed .”
I grimace, rolling my lips together.
“Oh, Caro. ”
I nod, slowly.
“You haven’t told him.”
I shake my head even slower, wondering if I’ve shaved a year off his life and added a couple more greys.
“And you’re about to swear me to secrecy, aren’t you?”
Another nod.
“Fuuuck. How much money are we talking? Hundreds? Thousands? Actually,” he holds a calloused palm up. “I don’t want to know. Don’t tell me any more details.”
I wrap my arms around him the best I can while he’s leaning back in the recliner.
“What’s this for?”
“A thank you for keeping my secret.”
He groans. “Why are the secrets I’m keeping from your brother racking up so high?”
“I don’t want you to worry about me,” I whisper.
“Comes with the apartment.”
“Did you worry about my brother too?”
He laughs softly. “Honestly? Sometimes.”
“It gets worse.”
I’m already in this far, I may as well be forthright with all my secrets.
“Can I handle it?”
I nod. “I’m not registered for college in September.”
“Okay, so that’s not worse at all. I thought…I don’t know what I thought.”
Berg’s reassurance makes me think that maybe I’ve built this up in my head. Of course my parents are excited for me to finish school, but is it as dire as I’ve been telling myself it is?
“Is that because you don’t want to go back?”
“Well, I do…but the money.”
“Ah, so it all links back to that.”
“Tell me some of the things you’re really great at as a Dad.”
“Nice way to change the subject.”
“You said you didn’t want to hear me speak negatively, so let’s do some positives. It’s like at supper. You don’t only do the lows. You do the highs also!”
“Fair enough.”
He falls silent, thinking for a moment and probably still processing what I told him.
“Okay. I make some pretty good suppers, we never miss movie night, and I absolutely dominate pillow fights.”
“And you’re super duper good at playing beauty salon,” I add.
Berg laughs, enveloping me in a tight bear hug that makes me wheeze.
“The prettiest man with butterfly clips I’ve ever seen,” I tease, scarcely able to move in his grip.
“Quit it,” he growls in my ear.
“So. Glittery,” I rasp, wiggling. “This is no fair. You’re too big. I’m at a disadvantage.”
I know I’m being sort of shameless by squirming around in his lap like this. He said we should stop…but then he returns my hugs and talks to me like I’m someone special.
“You are definitely not the one at the disadvantage here, Caro. You make me feel defenceless.”
Oh. I still.
Vulnerable Berg hits different.
“And that scares the hell out of me. Because I’ve been playing defence for a long time.”
“So, stop,” I say, knowing that I’m pushing beyond a boundary that he already drew.
“I can’t.”
I take a deep pleasure in his choice of words. He wants to, but he’s holding back. Rightfully so. Something beyond physical attraction runs between us, but we’ve only known each other for a matter of weeks, and it takes time to build the sort of trust that’s required when children are involved. Berg doesn’t want a fling. If I’m being honest, neither do I. But Berg has a lot more to consider than I do when it comes to selecting a partner.
“I know,” I tell him, sliding off his lap with great effort and hating every second we aren’t in contact. He could kick out the footrest of the recliner and I’d happily sleep curled against his body the whole night.
“I still can’t do a braid to save my life,” he laughs, picking up the brush he brought with him.
“We have plenty of time to practise,” I say, knowing I’m giving a look that’s far too sultry for either of our own good.
“That’s what I’m afraid of,” he replies.
And I know exactly what he means.