Chapter Seven – Laina
Mike had to suspect Fang and I got up to some things while he was sitting in his car, waiting for me. During the drive home, he said not a word. He didn’t even look at me—which was fine. He was in one of his cold spells right now, but I was flying too high to care.
Fang was… God, he was amazing. And now I had a slightly throbbing bite mark on my inner thigh to remind me of that.
Did I regret telling him to bite me? Hell no. Ever since he flirtatiously told me he had a thing for biting, I’d wondered what it’d be like. I’d wanted it. It just came as a little bonus that he bit me right when I was climaxing.
Talk about sensation overload.
Of course, I wasn’t complaining. Not in the slightest. I rode cloud nine while Mike drove us home, and I couldn’t fight the smile that formed on my face. Mike could pout and brood all he wanted; I didn’t have to depend on him for attention or affection. He could screw himself. I didn’t need his hot and cold attitude.
When we got home, Kieran was waiting for me in my room, and he sent me a dimpled grin when I strolled in. His hair was damp, like he’d just showered. “You were gone an awfully long time,” he said, his gaze lifting off me to watch Mike walk by in the hall, probably going to his own room. “Doesn’t he seem chipper?”
The absolute sarcasm in that question made me laugh in spite of myself, and I went to stand near the window on the far side of the room. “Please don’t tell me you were hanging out, alone, in my bedroom this entire time?”
Kieran shrugged. “My sister dragged your father out to dinner somewhere, so I thought it’d be the perfect time to reacquaint myself.” He stuck his hands in his pockets and looked around the room.
“Do you often like to hang out in my room when I’m not home?”
He took a step toward me, then another. Soon he was standing next to me, but instead of staring out of the window like I was, he stared squarely at me. “Maybe I do. Maybe I find all the pink comforting.”
I raised my eyebrows, finally meeting his dark stare. “Do you?”
“Pink reminds me of you, so…” His hands were still in his pockets; he looked weird. Awkward, like he didn’t know what to say. “How was Fang? Is the freak still freaky?”
“More freaky than you can ever know.” The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them, and as if I needed a reminder of just how freaky Fang was, the area where he bit me throbbed just a little, the wound too fresh.
His gaze dropped to my left hand, and he pointed to the new addition. “Let’s see it.”
I lifted my hand to allow him a better look at the metal prosthetic. He gingerly took hold of my palm, his fingers brushing against my skin in a way that made me hold my breath as his dark stare studied Fang’s work.
“Impressive,” he said, slow in releasing his grip on my hand. “They look like they move. Do they?”
With a nod, I demonstrated the way the fingers curled when I moved the nubs of my last two fingers. “Isn’t it cool? When Fang said he could make them move, I didn’t really believe him.” I sounded mystified, and that’s because I was. I didn’t understand how any of this worked.
Plus, a part of me was still back in Fang’s place, laying on that bed with him.
Kieran swallowed hard, a frown surfacing on his face. “Were you two… I mean, did you—”
He was being awkward because he wanted me to say it, me to suggest it, but I wasn’t having it. If he was that curious about what Fang and I got up to when we were alone, he could find the courage to ask.
He chuckled. “You’re really going to make me say it?”
“Say what?” I wanted to pat myself on the back. I really did sound innocent.
“That freak has wanted you from the moment he saw you.” He either didn’t care enough to hide the disdain in his voice, or he didn’t try hard enough.
“Don’t call him a freak. He might be a little weird, but he cares—and he’s honest, which is more than I can say for you or Mike.” Or, hell, anyone in this house, really. Politicians and lies came hand in hand.
The look Kieran gave me after that made me wonder if I’d sprouted a second head. “How am I not honest? Fang’s not the only one who cares.”
“Then why have you been ignoring me? Is it because I never answered your question?” If he wasn’t a step-uncle to me, what was he? “Or is it because you’re jealous that I have feelings for another guy?”
For multiple men, really, but that’s beside the point.
A grin spread on his face, but it wasn’t a happy-go-lucky grin like his usual. It was a serious expression, an oxymoron brought to life. “Laina, why don’t you get it? No one knows you like I do. Fang, Mike—none of them will ever understand you like me.” He took a tiny step toward me, but it was enough to make me feel claustrophobic, like he was boxing me in against the window.
“How can you even say that when you’ve been ignoring me?”
“I haven’t been ignoring you. I’ve stayed away from you because you needed time to think, and I needed time to heal.” Kieran cocked his head at me, his face suddenly inches away from mine. “I know you better than anyone else in the world. You have no idea how hard it’s been to stay away from you when all I want to do is—”
My heart skipped a beat. “All you want to do is what?”
The way he looked at me, it was unlike any look he’d ever given me before. Like he could stare straight into my soul and see every part of me I hid from the world. Like he really did know me better than anyone else.
He told me in a hushed whisper, “All I want to do is open your eyes. Fang, Mike; neither of them can give that to you. Only I can.” He lifted a single hand, and he swept some of my hair off my shoulder, exposing my neck to him, which he then lightly touched. “I need you to see me.”
The way he was talking, I’d never heard him sound so vulnerable before. It made me lean into him, made me touch his chest. “I see you.”
The sigh that came from him after that was legendary, and though I suspected he was going to kiss me, in the end he didn’t. Kieran took a large step back, placing more distance between us, and he told me, “No, you don’t. But you will.”
And then he gave me his back and walked out, leaving me to wonder just what the hell he meant by that.
I wasn’t used to the serious Kieran. I guessed almost dying put things into perspective for you; you were bound to change after an experience like that. Still, I couldn’t help but miss the old Kieran, the one who always had a sarcastic comment, the guy who thought he was the wittiest of them all. Where was he, and what did I have to do to bring him back?
Did he want me to say I had feelings for him? Did he want me to lay my emotions bare? It was easy with Fang, because Fang wore his heart and his unusual kinks on his sleeve. He didn’t hide who he was, never played pretend. I couldn’t say the same thing about Kieran.
Whatever. I wasn’t going to let Kieran screw up my good mood right now. I got new fingers, I had a bite mark from Fang on my inner thigh, and I’d found out that Fang was as good with his dick as he was with his mouth. There was no dampening my good mood tonight.
I changed and was in the middle of a workout session—okay, I was just walking on the treadmill, nothing too extreme—when my dad finally came home. He poked his head into the room before he strolled over to me. He still wore a suit; my guess was he literally just got here.
Didn’t know why he’d come straight to me after a dinner with Tessa.
The treadmill was a bit loud, so I slowed it down and ultimately stopped it so I could hear whatever it was my dad wanted to say.
“Next Friday,” he started, “you’re not planning on sneaking out again, are you?”
“I don’t think so, why?”
“Tessa wants to host a charity dinner to raise funds for gunshot victims in the city who don’t have health insurance, in honor of Kieran.”
I held back a frown. Kieran had insurance, so this must’ve been some way to try to make her and my dad look good in the public eye. Show off that Kieran didn’t die, that I was still alive, and raise money for people who were less fortunate than us.
“We’d like both you and Kieran to be present,” my dad went on.
Leaning on the treadmill, I asked, “Is it smart to do something like this so soon? We don’t even know who was behind the shooting. What if they try again?” I wouldn’t say I was scared or anything; it was more like I just didn’t want to deal with it. I just got Kieran back, and he wasn’t really himself yet. What if something happened and I lost him for good?
Or, you know, I died instead? That seemed to be the goal of whoever it was.
Although, if that was true, why had I been kidnapped again instead of just shot and left for dead?
“There will be a heavy police presence—”
“There was a police presence at the press conference, and that didn’t stop that guy from shooting Kieran.”
My dad’s voice lowered, “There will also be undercover officers inside the event. I’m sure if I contact Sylvester, he’ll offer up more men, too. If anyone tries anything, there will be countless bodies to take them down.”
Kind of sounded like my dad wanted me to be bait. Since the guy in police custody wasn’t talking, why not try to egg on the mysterious mastermind into making another move?
Or it could all be a show, and my dad’s behind it all. I still didn’t know what to think.
“Mike will be there, too?” I asked.
“Of course. I want him beside you the entire time.”
“Can I invite someone?” The look my dad gave me after that made me add, “Not Kelly.” Kelly would love to come, I was sure, but this wasn’t an event I wanted her to come to. “Fang.”
My dad’s brows furrowed. “Fang?”
That’s when I showed him my left hand, and he realized I had been made whole again thanks to some sculpted metal. “My. That is… quite the contraption.” He watched me demonstrate how the fingers curled. “If you’d like him to come, sure. I’ll put his name down. I’m looking forward to meeting the man that can create something like this. He must be quite the artist.”
Quite the artist. Not exactly how I would describe him, but I’d save that for a surprise. Fang’s smile would probably give my dad a heart attack.
“Make sure you show Tessa those,” my dad said as he walked away.
Yeah, I’d get right on that.
Later that night, as I lay in bed, I messaged Kelly. The day I’d gotten my new phone, I’d sent her a message and told her I had to replace it because I lost it at the party, and then she’d immediately called. I’d learned she’d been trying to call me since I disappeared from the party, and that she’d started to get worried.
Tonight, though, there was something else I wanted to talk to Kelly about.
Kieran.
She ended up calling me once she was able to, and her face popped up on the screen. Just as I was laying in bed, she was, too. I made sure to turn the volume down so nobody walking by in the hall would overhear.
“I knew there was something between you and that sexy uncle of yours,” Kelly spoke with a sly grin. “The more you denied it, the more I knew there had to be something going on. When he got shot, you were so freaked.”
I actually resented the implication that she’d known the whole time. “I was so freaked because that bullet was meant for me—”
“Uh-huh, that too, but girl, it was all you could talk about for so long. How much time did you spend in the hospital with him?” My silence must’ve told her enough, because she said, “Lots. Honestly? I was kind of shocked when you wanted to go out and hook up with a random guy. I tried to hook you up all during high school.” On the phone, I could see her shrug. “I don’t know. I guess I just assumed you were saving yourself for him or something.”
At that, I could not roll my eyes hard enough. It wasn’t like I thought my virginity was some special, mystical thing. I just… while trying to be the perfect daughter for my dad, chasing after boys never really felt right, and who can forget that one time I tried to sneak out before my first kidnapping, Kieran found me, threw me over his shoulder, and dragged me back home.
Kelly gave me a look. “Oh, come on. Just admit it. You’ve had a crush on the dude ever since you first saw him, before he even became your step-uncle.”
“I mean, I always thought he was kind of cute, but that doesn’t mean I had a crush on him—” Even as I said it, it didn’t sound right. No, it sounded like I was trying to convince myself that a lie was the truth.
“You need to face facts. You’re down bad for that sexy uncle of yours.”
“I’m not down bad,” I scoffed. “I’m just… confused. Sometimes it feels like he’s ready to confess his undying love for me, and other times… I don’t know. It’s like he’s a whole different person. I’m seeing a new side to him I never saw before.” AKA a side that didn’t constantly make jokes and therefore make me want to strangle him.
Kelly sighed. “He almost died. Newsflash: anytime some serious shit happens, people change. You’re not the same girl you used to be, either, as much as you try to be.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Her eyes flicked away from the phone’s camera. Her face was illuminated by the brightness of her phone, but that’s it. All around her were shadows, her dark bed her backdrop. “It means… I don’t know. You’re just different. The hair, the contacts, wanting to hook up with a random guy; all that’s stuff I would do, but you? You were always the goody two shoes. Sometimes you tried to act out, but your heart was never really in it.”
I didn’t know why I didn’t want to agree that I was different. Wasn’t that what I first set out to be when I got out? Didn’t I want to be different?
“What if…” I paused, an uneasy feeling settling in my gut.
“What if what?”
“What if I’m not different? What if, deep down, I’ve always been this way and I just pretended I wasn’t?” Wanting to watch Lola torture someone. Watching Fang rip into someone’s throat and kill him without so much as blinking. My Devil didn’t make me like this.
Kelly frowned. “Then maybe you’re a secret psychopath, because I would’ve sworn you were never pretending before. If all of that was pretend, then what’s real? Who’s the real Laina Hawkins?”
Who’s the real Laina Hawkins?
That question rang in my head over and over, long after Kelly and I said our goodbyes. Usually talking to her made me feel better, but not this time. This time, my old friend was too insightful.
I came out of my first kidnapping with the intent of being a new person, wanting to take my dad and his political career down. I’d been full of rage after watching his rise while chained to that bed. I thought the darkness inside of me was budding, something new growing and taking root in the deepest parts of my soul, but what if it wasn’t?
What if, for the first time in my life, I wasn’t pretending? Maybe my Devil didn’t only help me see the truth when it came to my dad. Maybe he showed me my soul and the darkness dwelling within, a darkness that’s always been a part of me.
Maybe I’d always been fucked up.