Chapter 14 #2
Honey it didn’t harden either. Even as my stomach soured.
“What’s wrong, Rhea?” She squinted, “Did something happen?”
She just looked at me like she saw me. And that was somehow worse than being ignored completely.
“You tell me,” I bit out. “You’re silent all damn morning, like I’m not even worthy of a two-second reply?”
Her face softened, “I’ve been here all day, Rhea. I’ve been elbow-deep in croissant dough and city permits. I haven’t even looked at my phone. I’m sorry.”
I stood there, chest heaving as if I’d just run a call. And suddenly, I felt… stupid. Embarrassed. Like a child having a tantrum, they couldn’t stop, even though they knew they were out of line.
Goldie tilted her head, “This isn’t about a text, is it?”
That did it.
“No.” I shook her off, taking a step back, forcing a deep breath into my lungs. “I shouldn’t have come. I was—” I hesitated, the word scared almost falling from my lips. “I’m sorry I interrupted you.”
“I’m glad you did,” She replied anyway. “I miss you.”
I took a step backward, and then another, until the door brushed against my back.
“I have to go.”
Ducking my head, I left the warmth of her bakery and pulled my jacket collar up around my neck as the springtime air cut through my clothes like a blade.
I shouldn’t have done that.
I shouldn’t have dumped my shit on her doorstep, hoping that she’d fix me somehow.
She didn’t owe me anything.
And if I made myself a problem, she’d have a reason to cut me free.
I was too selfish to give her that. I needed her too badly.
Regret was almost as cruel as the universe was.
As the day went on, the burning in my gut grew while I replayed both my interactions with Tanner and Goldie in my head on repeat. I was an idiot.
And I probably messed up any chance I had at finding real happiness because of it.
Again.
Goldie probably wouldn’t ever speak to me again.
But even as that thought circled my brain, a figure appeared in the dark parking lot of the fire station, walking across the pavement.
Goldie.
My sweet, golden angel.
Her arms were wrapped around herself, clinging to a hoodie with the graphic of a cat sleeping upside down with drool dripping from its lips.
It was so perfectly her.
She sat across from me at the picnic table I was hiding at, but she didn’t say anything right away. She just looked at me with that familiar warmth in her eyes that I had loved just yesterday.
Yet now, it felt like pity.
I stared at the trees past the fence, trying not to look back at her, trying not to let my throat close up.
If she showed up for me, then I had to at least try to help her understand how my brain worked.
She deserved that and so much more from me.
“I was seventeen.” I said finally, swallowing to wet my dry throat.
“I met the first girl I ever really liked when I was still in high school.” I went on, and Goldie stayed quiet, giving me space to say the things that hurt.
“She was beautiful. Soft-spoken, sweet through and through. There was a tenderness to her soul that made me feel like I always mattered.”
She laced her fingers together on the table between us, like she was stopping herself from reaching out and touching me as I told her my sordid tale.
“She had strict parents. They were very religious, our town was small, and their minds were even smaller. So, we were a secret, keeping our relationship hidden for years, hiding behind the facade of our girlie friendship instead of a budding romantic love.”
“Something happened.” Goldie whispered.
I nodded, “She got accepted into this art program in New York.” I admitted.
“I remember the day she told me about it, and how my heart leaped in my chest, imagining all the ways we were finally going to be free of our secrets. I imagined moving with her to New York, starting fresh in an openly bisexual relationship. We were going to be so happy.”
“But that didn’t happen, did it?”
“No,” I shook my head, finally meeting her stare. “She told me that she couldn’t choose me for her future, no matter where she lived. Her goodbye to me was final. There was no someday, or even a maybe to it. It was just done.”
“Rhea,” She whispered, “I’m so sorry.”
“Oh, but wait, there’s more.” I smirked sarcastically.
“A month after she moved away, she changed her relationship status to ‘In a relationship’.” I scoffed bitterly, “To some jock she met from NYU. He looked like he was straight out of some preppy photoshoot with perfect hair and perfect teeth and a pedigree that would make her parents proud.”
“Damn,” She sighed, pushing her hand across the table and holding onto mine, like she couldn’t stand not to touch me.
“And now you’re afraid of being chosen second, to a man.
Or not chosen at all. And when you didn’t get a text back after I spent the night with Tanner, your brain went somewhere dark. ”
I scoffed again, hating how she pinpointed everything so effortlessly. “How do you do that?”
She smiled sadly, tilting her head to the side, “I care about you, Rhea.” She said, in place of an answer. “And you’re not second. You’re not less. You’re you.”
Her smile wasn’t pitying. It was reverent. Like she saw every cracked, broken piece of me and thought it was beautiful, anyway.
“I didn’t mean to go off the deep end.” I admitted, squeezing her fingers in mine. “I’m sorry.”
She waved me off with pursed lips. “You showed up, had some words, and left. That’s hardly the deep end.” She chuckled, “Take it from someone who once poured an entire gallon of milk over myself in the middle of a grocery store in a desperate last-ditch effort to win someone over.”
My eyes bugged out of my head, and she giggled.
“I don’t want to talk about it right now,” she winked, “but maybe I’ll tell you someday.” She leaned forward, resting both elbows on the table. “Right now, I just want to focus on you.”
I sighed and then stood up, rounding the table to sit next to her. Instantly she snuggled in against my side, and I held onto her, desperate to feel her comfort at the end of my mental spiral I’d been in all day. “I was a bitch to Tanner today.” I whispered after a while.
She chuckled, “I heard.”
I groaned and glared at her, making her giggle again. “He called me after you left the bakery, saying he thought you were upset and asked me to check on you.”
“He did?” I scowled, trying to imagine a situation where I would have done the same for him.
“He did.” she replied, kissing my cheek. “We don’t want you to be upset, Rhea. Especially because of us.”
“Just once,” I groaned dramatically. “Just one time, I want that man to get riled up by something I did and act like a Neanderthal. Just once.”
She laughed out loud, tipping her head back, shoulders shaking. “That sounds a little like maybe—”
“Don’t you dare,” I glared at her, and her lips snapped together, cutting it off.
But she was too intrigued to give up. “Almost like maybe you’re trying to get his attention.”
I rolled my eyes and pulled my arms back off her body as if I were cutting her off for her bad idea. “As if.”
“I mean it!” her voice rose, “It is giving elementary playground vibes, through and through.”
I pursed my lips, “I do not want your boyfriend’s attention.” I deadpanned. “I just want to irk him. I want to make him squirm with frustration until he just—loses it!”
“Yep,” she popped the p on the word and grinned, “full on kiddie flirting vibes. I’m much more direct in my flirting style, but I can see how the game of cat and mouse would get incredibly hot between you two.”
I scowled, feeling guilty for what she was insinuating, and maybe even a little panicked by the idea. “I mean it, Goldie, I’m not into Tanner. That’s not what I want.”
“Okay,” She held her hands up and nudged me with her shoulder when I finally relaxed. “I’ll drop it. I didn’t come here to spin your head up any more than it already was today.”
“Then what did you come here for?” I asked, focusing on her and not the way something low in my gut warmed up at her excitement over me potentially wanting Tanner’s attention.
“You.” She answered instantly. “I came here for you. To make sure you were alright and happy and totally on board with letting me be your girlfriend still.”
“Girlfriend, huh? I don’t know if I’m ready for all that.” I said with a smirk, and she nudged me hard enough to knock me off the bench backwards. I landed on my back, and she simply glared at me over her shoulder.
“No sweet treats for you then.” She pulled a white box out of the pocket of her hoodie, with her logo on the lid.
“They’re only for my girlfriend. Bummer too.
” She said as I scrambled to my feet, failing as my boot got stuck between the bench and the leg of the picnic table.
Finally, when I got on the bench next to her, straddling it, she opened the lid and showed me the delicious creation inside.
It was a brownie the size of her head, and I could tell just by looking at it that it was rich and tasted like fudge. On top was a drizzle of what looked like peanut butter sauce, with shavings of peanuts sprinkled on top.
“Oh, my fucking God,” I cursed, reaching for the box, but she snapped the lid closed and slid it back into her pocket. “Hey!”
“Nope, my goodies are only for my girlfriend.” She said highhandedly, and I wrapped my arms around her, leaning her backward over my knee like I was going to drop her as she dissolved into a fit of giggles. “Fine, fine!” She hollered, staring up at me.
“Will you be my girlfriend, Goldie?” I asked, letting the seriousness of that question stand over us as I stared down at her. “But know that I’ve never been in an official relationship before, so I’ll probably mess it up. Probably more than once.”
“Well,” She brushed her fingers over my cheek, still leaned back over my knee with a look of sweet adoration in her blue eyes as she stared up at me. “Good thing for you, I have so much love inside my soul, I’m willing to use it to teach you how to be the best girlfriend in the whole world.”
“Promise?” I asked seriously.
“I promise.” She whispered, and I leaned down to kiss her, sealing it with our lips and a vow.
“Good,” I sighed against her lips, “Now give me that damn brownie before I spread open your smooth thighs right here on this picnic table for my sweet treat.”
She giggled excitedly, “Hmm, I’ve never had sex on a firetruck before.” She mused, and I bit her neck to keep her from tempting me. “Fine, here you go. I knew you had a sweet tooth.”
“Only for you, sweetheart.” I winked at her. “Only for you.”