Chapter 16 Kieran #2
“I already told you I’m not,” he said, the sincerity in his voice shining through loud and clear.
He really, truly wasn’t. I could barely fathom it.
He deserved so much better than what I’d given him.
“As long as it’s with you, I’m okay with whatever we do.
I really mean that,” he added, and I could barely hold myself back from cringing.
He really did mean it. His trust felt like a dangerous drug that I could overdose on with one wrong move.
“So you didn’t imagine some romantic setting with your Prince Charming for your first time?”
He scoffed, gliding his hands up to grasp at my jaw, holding my face in place so I was forced to stare up at him. He only did that when he wanted to make sure I was really listening.
“Kieran, you are my prince. You’re the only guy I will ever want.”
“That’s not possible,” I argued automatically, despite the fact that his words sent my stomach into a loopy, twirling mess. “You only think that because I’m who you’re around all the time.”
He scoffed, shaking his head in disbelief at me. “That’s ridiculous. I went to high school all four years, same as you. I’ve been around tons of alphas, and you know that because you lose your mind every time you see me talking to one.”
“I…” I couldn’t exactly argue with that. “You’re my stepbrother.” It was the easiest issue to fall back on, but he didn’t even acknowledge it.
“Can you just make up your mind?” He asked. I could tell he was annoyed with what I’d said, but his tone was still calm and even. He was so much better at that than I was. “Either you want me all to yourself, or you don’t think we should be together at all. You can’t have both.”
“That’s… I’m not trying to keep you for myself,” I lied. He was right. I was pathetic. Even though I knew keeping Jordy away from me would be the best thing for him, I couldn’t even manage that simple task.
“Or,” he went on like I hadn’t said anything. “You can tell me the big, horrible thing that’s holding you back.” He shifted, nudging me onto my back and climbing up to straddle my hips so his hands were planted on my chest as he stared down at me. “I heard you saying my name, you know.”
“When?” I asked, immediately distracted by the sight and feel of his bare thighs on either side of my body. He was so stupidly sexy, it was unfair. Like I couldn’t help myself, I glided my palms up his smooth, warm legs.
“When you were having that nightmare.”
My fingers tightened on him. “I don’t want to talk about that.”
“I know you don’t. You won’t talk to me about anything,” he pointed out. “Even though I’m always honest with you about how I feel.”
“Look, there’s no big secret, okay? It should be obvious why we can’t…
” I trailed off, uncomfortable. Why what?
Why we couldn’t be together? We’d gone on a date and I’d taken his virginity less than six hours earlier.
I’d already crossed the line and broken the most important rule.
But still, the idea that we could actually be a couple was an impossible dream.
“Obvious?” He repeated. “You already said it wasn’t just that you’re my stepbrother. You said there’s something else.”
Frustrated with the conversation, I made an attempt to push him off me, but he held tight, squeezing me with his surprisingly strong thighs.
“You’re the smartest person in your graduating class but when it comes to me, you act like you don’t have an ounce of sense in your brain,” I griped, my dick swelling up even more as he squirmed on top of me to keep me from bucking him off.
Swallowing hard, I did my best to ignore the heavenly feeling of his perky little ass grinding along the length of my cock.
I knew for absolute fact the little troll was doing it on purpose.
“So explain it to me. Enlighten my simple omega brain on why it would be so terrible,” he requested, sarcasm dripping from every syllable.
“I… I would, but I can’t think when you’re doing that!” I snapped, reaching up to grab his hips in an iron grip, preventing any more of that delicious movement. I was fully erect now, my breath coming out just a little too hard.
“Let me ask you a simple question,” he said, moving his head in a mockingly curious little tilt, like he was making fun of me.
He was making fun of me. Despite everything that had happened between us, he was still Jordy Nolan.
“If there was a magic button that would make it so we could be together, and I would be all yours whenever you want me, would you press it?”
Even just the split second I allowed myself to imagine that scenario had the back of my throat burning. There was no magic button that could fix me, and make me worthy of him. But if there had been, I’d have pressed it in a second.
“I’m not answering that.”
“You don’t have to, I already know you would,” he said wryly. “So if you want to be with me, and I want to be with you, and it’s not about the whole stepbrother thing, then I just don’t know what could possibly be the issue.”
“Now let me ask you a simple question,” I asserted, even though I just wanted the conversation to be over. “I want you to imagine a scenario in your head. There’s this guy. He’s super smart, valedictorian, got into his first choice college. Charms everybody he comes across. He’s going places.”
Rolling his eyes, he sighed. “Yeah, what about him?”
“Now I want you to think about what kind of boyfriend a guy like that should have.” He opened his mouth to respond, but I cut him off before he could.
“If we were talking about anyone else, there’s no way in hell you’d have said some struggling artist college dropout that still can’t even cope with the shit that happened when I was a kid.
” I hadn’t meant to say the last part, but words just kept tumbling out of my mouth.
Looking genuinely shocked, an expression I almost never saw on his face, Jordy shook his head. “Kieran…”
“I know you’re infatuated with me, and I’m making it worse because I can’t turn you away, but you have to know that I’m not the kind of guy you’re supposed to be with.
And…” I halted my words, for just a second, before steeling up the courage to keep going.
“And I know once you leave for school you’ll realize that.
Once you get some distance, you’ll see me for what I am. ”
“A struggling artist college dropout with coping problems?” He recited flatly, raising an eyebrow.
“That, and… You know how mad I get, Jordy. It’s not normal. You-” I stopped again. I didn’t want to sound like I was blaming him. It wasn’t his fault that seeing him with other guys turned me into a violent psychopath. “I can’t help it. I don’t know how to stop. I don’t want to end up hurting you.”
More than I already had, anyway.
I watched as he slowly blinked, sweeping his dark lashes down over his eyes a couple of times before he shifted his hips on me again like he was getting comfortable.
I couldn’t exactly read the expression on his face, but it was oddly affectionate for the situation.
Like I’d reminded him of something that made him really happy.
“I know why you get so mad,” he finally said. “It’s fine. It’ll get better.”
Confused, I gave him an odd look. “Well, I wish you’d tell me, since you know so damn much.”
He sank further down onto my chest, bringing his face close to mine. “I don’t think you’re ready to know yet.”
What the hell was that supposed to mean? But before I could ask, he was gripping the bottom of his shirt, slipping it off and tossing it aside.
The slender muscles in his torso flexed and rippled with the movement, dragging my attention to his body whether I liked it or not.
“What are you doing?” I asked incredulously, when he moved on to my shirt, pushing it up past my abs and tugging at it to try and get it off.
“You seriously can’t figure that out?”
“Aren’t you sore?” I asked, trying not to cringe with guilt as it occurred to me. What kind of inconsiderate prick would knot inside a virgin, anyway?
“Not anymore,” he said, and then I remembered why he wasn’t.
Semen from alphas had healing properties to keep omegas from getting sore from constant sex during their heats, just like how our saliva had healing properties to help close up the bite wound when we marked our mate. At least my body had taken care of that part for me, and he wasn’t suffering.
As usual, I was torn in two directions when it came to my stepbrother. But I’d already fucked him, it wasn’t like I could take it back. The least I could do was try to make it up to him this time, since I’d been so aggressive on the beach.
Or was I just trying to convince myself?
“Wait,” I said, pressing down on his hands. His gaze flicked up from my body to my eyes, looking shadowed. My pulse tripped, then sped up. “At least let me do it right this time.”
Relief flickered over his face before he answered. “Did you do it wrong before?”
“Kind of.”
“It felt right to me,” he said, and the obvious appreciation in his voice sent pride coursing through me, swelling up my ego and my dick.
I wasn’t supposed to feel that way, but when the sexiest omega in the world was straddling me and practically begging me for another round, it was somewhat unavoidable.
“What would you know?” I countered, and he smirked, raising an eyebrow.
“If you’re so concerned about my inexperience, then teach me.”
Gliding my hands up his slender thighs, I grasped his hips.
His skin was perfectly smooth and pale without so much as a blemish marring it.
It was almost obscene the way my inked up hands looked on him, my long fingers digging into the soft flesh.
Holding him tightly, I bucked up and rolled so he was on his back as I hulked over him.
He let out a squealy little gasp, his wide eyes regarding me with shock, but I could tell he loved getting tossed around.
We’d always been in sort of a rush every time we’d hooked up, and I was now suddenly and uncomfortably aware that I’d never really taken much time or care with him when we had. Not that he’d ever complained.
Of course he’d never complained. He seemed happy with whatever scrap of myself I could give to him in the moment, before I had to retreat to avoid revealing too much.
He should have hated me, but he didn’t. He wouldn’t.
He was like this perfect constant in my life, someone I could always go to if I needed.
And when I’d finally allowed myself to let out a little bit of that feeling of unworthiness that was always lurking in my blood like a toxin, he’d just looked at me like I’d spouted out some alien concept he couldn’t understand.
Did he really not care that I’d likely never be as successful as him?
Didn’t he want an alpha that could take care of him, that he’d be proud to show off?
But none of that was new knowledge. He knew that I’d never be able to work a real job, as I’d heard it called by so many people criticizing me.
I’d never be able to clock in at an office and spend the day typing away on spreadsheets and emails.
I needed to make art, it was the only way I could make the world even a tiny bit better.
He knew I was screwed up, at least the little bit I’d shown him.
I’d woken him up in the most humiliating, pathetic way possible, whimpering from a fucking nightmare, and he was still staring at me with all that lust and infatuation.
He didn’t know everything about me yet, but with all he did know… He wasn’t going anywhere.
The painful, disgusting feeling of hope trickled into my awareness again, like it had in the truck. I couldn’t push it away this time.
That fragile little bubble floating around in my consciousness was scarier than any fucking nightmare I’d ever conjured up.