Chapter 21 #2
Tripp kicks Jase's knee when he tries to stand.
Wilder throws an uppercut to his face, and Jase stumbles backward. Blood gushes from his nose, but it still isn't enough to stop him.
“Fuckin' sissy,” Jase spits.
Waylon fists his shirt and headbutts him.
Fisher tries pulling them off as I scream for them to stop. Magnolia does her best to intervene, but when my brothers get to this level of anger, they are unstoppable.
In the middle of Fisher trying to protect Jase, Landen throws a punch and hits Fisher in the nose instead.
“Oh my God, stop it! You're gonna kill him!” I yank their shirts from behind, hoping to snap them out of their rage.
It's not until blasting cold water sprays full speed at everyone do they scramble like a bunch of birds.
“The fuck?” Wilder snaps, wiping water off his face.
My dad rushes behind Magnolia, taking the hose from her and turning off the nozzle. “Get on, boys. Now.”
My brothers mutter curse words as they scatter. I kneel next to Jase as he holds his hands to his face, blood running down his wrists and arms. “Jesus. Are you okay?”
Fisher comes beside him, an expression I've never seen on his face before. His nose is bloody, too. I wish I could reach out and make sure he's okay.
“You need to go to the hospital. I'll take you,” Fisher tells him.
“Fuck you.” Jase spits more blood, leaning to his side as he tries to lift himself.
“Jase!” I scold since Fisher has done nothing to warrant his attitude. He should be thanking him for trying to stop my brothers. “Stop being an asshole and get checked out.”
My dad approaches, lifting Jase by his shirt as if he weighs nothing. Jase groans in pain.
“You're comin' with me.” Then he looks at Fisher. “Don't worry, I'm not gonna hurt him. Gramma Grace will get him cleaned up, and then we're gonna have a chat about touchin' my daughter.”
Fisher looks lost, unsure if he should step in or let Jase deal with his own consequences.
“Dad, please don't be rough.”
“He already got his punishment, but now he's gonna get a man-to-man talkin'-to,” he says in a deep, rugged voice and gives Jase a little shake.
Looking defeated, Fisher nods as if he's giving him permission.
I see the regret written over his expression as if he knows he should have been the one to raise him properly.
Jase has a history of running his mouth and acting overconfident, but he's never lashed out this badly.
I could always talk him down to be reasonable, but this time, it was like he wanted to give them a reason to hurt him.
I can't figure out why he'd want that, but we'll discuss it later.
Turning to Magnolia, she looks between Fisher and me.
I wrap my arms around her. “Thanks.”
“Not the first time I've had to hose your brothers. Won't be the last.”
I scoff. “Unfortunately.”
“I'll leave y’all alone now. Might wanna get him cleaned up.” She lifts her chin toward Fisher, and I nod.
“Good idea. Meet me at my house,” I tell him, giving him no room to argue as I walk to my truck. My brothers can spend the afternoon finishing the rest of the chores.
“You sure it's okay for me to be here?” Fisher asks for the third time while standing in my bathroom.
“No one's payin' attention to our locations right now.” Carefully, I pull off his shirt, then unbutton his jeans. “Plus, you need to wash off this blood.”
I turn on the shower and strip off my clothes while waiting for it to get hot. Memories of us here just days ago still live rent-free in my head. But that's not what this time is about. Fisher's dealing with a lot more than I realized when it comes to Jase.
There's no way Jase will maturely handle the truth about his dad and me.
Fisher takes my hand and joins me under the stream as I step in. We silently wash each other, slowly moving the soap over limbs and intimate body parts.
“Talk to me,” I say, breaking the silence.
“I dunno who my own kid is, and that's my fault. He's lashin’ out, and there's nothin' I can do about it.”
I rub my palm across his damp chest, feeling his racing heart as mine aches for him.
“Jase has always been quick to react without thinkin'. That's not your fault. He's never gotten along with my brothers, but he's never been physical like that before. I'm not sure where that came from.”
“Desperation,” he responds. “The thought of losin' you made him snap.”
“You overheard?”
“I could read the situation pretty quickly.”
“It was unexpected. I had no idea he wanted to get back together. But even if I were single, I wouldn't be interested. I tried turnin' him down as nicely as I could, but then everythin' just escalated so fast.”
“He said somethin' that shoulda clued me in, but I was hopin' I was wrong.”
I narrow my eyes. “What do ya mean?”
“He mentioned somethin' about gettin' a second chance at love and wantin' to do it right this time around.
When he was givin' me the walk-through of his house, he talked about startin' a family and makin' memories of his own.
I didn't ask him to elaborate because I thought he was implying how he didn't get those family memories growin' up.
Assumed he was statin' he wanted to have them with his own wife and kids.”
“Maybe you being here is bringin' some of those painful memories back up, and instead of talkin' with you, he's actin' out.” I shrug. “Either way, it doesn't excuse his behavior today.”
He frowns. “You're right, it doesn't.”
“Do you mind if I ask you somethin' about Lyla?”
He brushes wet strands of hair off my cheek and slowly rubs his thumb over my jawline. “Go ahead.”
“You said somethin' Sunday night that I've been wonderin' about. Jase made it sound like you disappeared within weeks of her death. You mentioned how you traveled for about eight years. But if she passed a decade ago, where were you for those two years?”
His throat shifts as he swallows hard, and I worry I've hit a nerve he won't be comfortable talking about.
“In a behavioral health facility,” he finally says. “Jase doesn't know that.”
“Oh...” I blink. “Why not?”
“I didn't want him to know what I'd done or tried to do. If he knew where I was, he'd ask why, and then I'd have to lie. I didn't want him to know the truth.”
I tilt my head as I hear the brokenness in his voice. “Why were you in there?”
He drops his gaze as he works his jaw. “I was suicidal, Noah. Three weeks after we buried my daughter, I asked my friend to kill me.”
My heart hammers as I soak in his confession and try to form the right words to say in return.
“I was in so much pain. I couldn't see the other side and just wanted to die.”
“You're still here, so I'm assumin' he wouldn't do it.”
“Oh, he shot me. Just not where I asked him to.”
My eyes widen. “Where?”
“Shoulder.” He moves his fingers to his left arm and shows me the small scar. “They removed it in surgery. Imagine my disappointment when I woke up in a hospital.”
“Jase doesn't know any of this?”
“No. I didn't want him to think I wasn't strong enough to stay and be his dad. It was the lowest point of my life and one I didn't wanna explain to a fourteen-year-old. Mariah told him I was travelin’ for work instead.”
“What about when he got older? It might've helped him understand what you'd gone through and why you were distant.”
“That doesn't matter when you're a parent. You don't leave your kids, period. It's unforgivable. I was ashamed and embarrassed. I didn’t want him knowin’ I chose dyin’ over being his father.”
“Grief isn't black and white, Fisher. There's that gray area, that place where we become so lost we forget about everythin’ and everyone. We become so consumed with our pain it blinds us from seein’ the sufferin’ in those who were also left behind.
I’m sure he experienced it, too, with losin’ his sister. ”
“I can't explain why I chose to leave him when he was in pain, too.”
“You woulda had to have been in unfathomable amounts of pain to reach that level. Give him a little credit. I think he could understand that now at his age.”
“It wasn't just the pain. It was the guilt, too.”
“She died in a hikin' accident, right?”
“I tried to catch her...” His voice breaks. “It happened so goddamn fast.”
Tears break through the dam as I watch him struggle to speak. The burning sensation going down my throat has me choking.
“Her foot slipped as she reached for the next marker. She tumbled down, screamin’ as she tried to grab ahold of something. I was inches from catchin' her, but my foot stubbed on a big rock, and her body landed in front of me.”
My God.
My voice catches in my throat as more tears roll down my cheeks.
“Her neck broke on impact.”
I shake my head, wiping my face. The imagery is too much to bear. I can't respond.
“I carried her body for two miles, and when I got to my truck, I contemplated drivin' off the cliff so I could die, too. The pain was immediate and unbearable. But I knew Mariah deserved to bury her daughter, so I drove to the ER. I couldn't tell her over the phone, so I asked the sheriff to bring them to the hospital. She pounded her fists against my chest as I held her, shoutin’ over and over how it was my fault her baby was gone. Jase watched as his mother broke down, and they both blamed me.”
I cup his cheek, silently offering the reassurance he needs as he blows out a shaky breath. His gaze falls to our feet, and he clears his throat as if he's trying to hold back his emotions.
“My parents cut me out of their lives when I decided to make bull riding my career, so havin’ close relationships with my kids was a priority.
She and Jase weren't adventurous, so Lyla and me always took the day trips.
I was responsible for her and blamed myself, too.
I shoulda been closer or not let her go so high, but Lyla liked pushing the boundaries even when I warned her.
She liked being brave and tryin' new things.
Mariah clung to the idea that if I hadn't encouraged Lyla so much, she wouldn't have wanted to impress me by going so high.
Deep down, I knew Mariah was hurtin' as much as me and needed to point the blame at someone.”
I can't even imagine being in either of their shoes. Losing my aunt and uncle a couple of years ago rocked our family hard enough as it was. I couldn't fathom losing a sibling or watching my parents suffer at that level.
“I couldn't sleep, eat, or work. I don't even know what happened during those three weeks after her funeral.
I was numb and just goin' through the motions of breathing and reliving the memory each time I closed my eyes.
Jase had just lost his sister, and his parents couldn't even function to ensure his needs were met.”
“I'm so sorry y'all had to go through that. No parent should have to bury their child.” I take his hand and intertwine our fingers. I wish I could say the right thing to take away his pain, but nothing could ever remove the ache and guilt he’s felt for the past ten years.
“The only thought I had on repeat was to end my life. I never thought about dyin’ before her accident, but I couldn’t live in a world where Lyla didn't exist. Mariah couldn't look at me. Jase was distant from what he believed to be true. I wanted to end my sufferin’ along with theirs. It was a selfish move, but I didn’t care at the time. ”
“That's when you asked your friend to shoot you,” I whisper.
He nods, squeezing my hand. “I wanted my family to at least get my life insurance. Damien was a detective, so I knew he could make it look like a robbery gone wrong or something.”
I blow out a breath. “Thank God he didn't listen.”
“After I woke up, I'd gone back and forth on whether I hated him or was grateful he gave me a second chance.”
“And after your shoulder healed, you went into a facility?”
“Yeah, he made me. He promised he'd keep the truth between us only if I'd comply in gettin' help.”
“Did it work?”
“Yes and no. I spent two years goin' to therapy and grief counselin’, but the pain never goes away.
It simmers while the grief holds me hostage, and even when I try to remind myself it's okay to move on, the guilt pulls me back. After ten years, I was tired of the regret cripplin’ me.
Jase is the only family I have left, and I didn't wanna go another day without tryin' to be in his life again.”
“Jase is a confused, hurt boy who had to grow up too fast. He doesn't understand why you left him.
You need to tell him so he can have closure to that period of his life.
He probably grew up thinkin' it was his fault you weren't around.
That he wasn't good enough. Jase needs therapy to deal with his abandonment issues, and knowin’ why you weren't around could help in his healin' process.”
“I'm afraid it'll make it worse for him.”
“Maybe at first. But Jase needs you more than he's willin' to admit.”
“And when I tell him I'm fallin' in love with the woman he wants, how do you think he's gonna react to that? Nothin' I tell him about the past will matter. It'll be the ultimate betrayal in his eyes, especially now that I know he has feelings for you.”
My stomach twists at his words, but I don't dwell on them. “To be fair, neither of us knew he wanted to get back together with me. And I certainly didn't know who you were when we met.”
“I'm afraid that won't matter to him.”
And I'm afraid he's right.