Chapter 22 #2
I nod, reaching over and squeezing his shoulder.
“I wish I could go back and do things differently.
Trust me. I will live with that regret until the day I die.
The only excuse I have is that the pain took over.
Even once I left the facility, I wasn't the same man you knew as a child.
But I'm here now, and I wanna be in your life if you'll let me.
I'll go to family therapy with you, or we can find a grief support group.
Whatever it takes. And I know you don't owe me a goddamn thing, so if you're not ready, I'll respect that.”
“It's not that easy.” He lowers his head. “A part of me worries you'll leave again.”
I drop my hand and rest it on my knee. “Understandable. But for the record, I'm never leavin' you again. I'm here because you're here. If you moved to the coldest place on earth, I'd follow. But please don't do that because I hate the fuckin' cold.”
A small smile appears on his clean-cut face. “Noted.”
There's a moment of silence as we listen to the trees blow in the wind.
“I didn't blame you, by the way,” he says so quietly I almost don't hear him.
I tilt my head as another shiver rolls through me. It's eighty-five degrees, yet my bones are chilled. “What'd ya mean?”
His gaze meets mine. “For Lyla's death. You said Mom and I blamed you, but I don't.”
My brows rise. “Oh. I assumed she told you about how Lyla died.”
“All she said was that Lyla fell from a cliff and you didn't catch her in time. Then she said it was your fault she was out there in the first place. I didn't get the full story until Damien told me after I'd just turned sixteen.”
I wince as my entire body shudders. Licking my dry lips, I lower my eyes to her tombstone. “What'd Damien say?”
Jase repeats the exact events of that day. Everything I told Noah, he also knew, and all this time, I had no idea.
“He also told me he didn't believe you were at fault,” he adds. “And I don't either.”
I lift my head and meet his stare. “You don't?”
“It sounds like it was a very tragic accident.
But no one's to blame. Lyla couldn't be stopped. I remember how adventurous she was.” He smiles as he looks up at the sky.
“Always beggin' me to climb with her up the hills or bike down them.
She had a thirst for that rush. Somethin' we didn't share, but I admired her for it.”
Tears well in my eyes for the second time today. “You have no idea how it feels to hear you say that.” I rub a palm over my eyes and nod. “And yeah, she was an adrenaline junkie like me. Didn't care how dangerous somethin' was because it just made her wanna do it more.”
Jase looks back at me, his eyes narrowed.
“Dad, I don't blame you for what happened to Lyla.
I blame you for leavin' when I needed you.
Years of wonderin' why I wasn't enough for you to stick around. It had me wonderin' if I’d been fun like Lyla, or outgoin’ like her, then maybe you woulda stayed.” His voice cracks, and I lean over to pull him in for a hug.
Tears shed down both our cheeks as we stay like this for a few minutes.
“I'm so sorry, Jase. I can't express how much. You needed me, and I let you down.”
“I wanna trust you again,” he admits, “but a part of me is still angry with you.”
“I know.” I nod, releasing my hold on him. “I want us to work through this so we can have a strong, healthy, trustworthy relationship. It's the only reason I'm here. You’re my priority. I never wanna hurt you again by not being the father you need.”
The guilt of falling for Noah eats at me because I know what I have to do in order to keep my promise.
It’ll hurt like hell, and she's going to hate me, but I must choose my son this time instead of taking the selfish route.
When life got hard, I wanted to die, which meant leaving him behind. But then I didn't, and I still left.
If he has feelings for Noah, he'll never accept that I do, too.
He needs me now more than ever. I have to give him time to heal and for us to rebuild our relationship. If he finds out I lied to him and secretly dated his ex, he won't forgive me a second time.
“Do you remember when Lyla packed up her little Barbie backpack and said she was runnin' away on her bike?” Jase asks with a laugh as he stares down at her stone.
“Oh yeah. She made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, then grabbed a bag of Doritos and two juice boxes.” I chuckle at the memory. “Your mom told us to go along with it, so we made sure she packed the right clothes, tied on her shoes, and I put air in her tires.”
“She was weirdly smart at nine. And sassy.” Jase smirks. “Why'd she wanna run away again?”
I brush a hand through my hair as I recall that day. “She wanted a puppy and decided she was gonna find a new family who'd let her have as many dogs as she wanted.”
“That's right.”
“She hopped on her bike and made it to the Muellers. They had a St. Bernard who chased her around their yard and eventually wore her out. After she fell asleep on their couch, Mom and I drove over and brought her home. As I was tuckin' her in, she asked if we could get a dog like theirs.”
“And then we got one four months later.”
We both laugh because Lyla was nothing if not persistent about what she wanted.
“Didn't she name it Tiny?” I ask.
“Yep, Tiny the St. Bernard.”
I smile because more memories of Lyla flood in that I've blocked out for years. They were too painful to remember, but I like having them now.
“He passed away a few months after you left,” Jase admits. “Vet said it was a rare heart condition. Mom said he died of a broken heart because he missed Lyla just as much as we did.”
I shake my head. “I'm so sorry.”
Jase nods as if he's too choked up to speak.
When the wind picks up, we decide to leave, but then I ask Jase to give me a moment alone. He goes to my truck, and I stand in front of her stone, apologizing over and over for not coming sooner.
“I will always wish it were me and not you who died that day. We'll be reunited someday, and when that time comes, I will catch you and never let go. Rest in peace, baby girl.”
As I walk away, I let the tears fall freely even though I hate it. I've done my best to leave my guard up, but with Noah cracking it and Jase and I coming here, it was bound to fall.
When I get in the truck, I immediately start it and roll down the windows.
“Is it stupid to think I can have a normal happy family of my own? A wife and some kids, maybe even a dog or two,” Jase asks, looking outside as we drive out of the cemetery.
“No, not at all. You deserve to find someone who makes ya happy.
Findin' that person you can spend the rest of your life with is a beautiful thing.
And being a father is the greatest feelin' in the world.
Holdin' you and Lyla as babies made me so proud. I know it might be hard to believe after what I did, but you two were my greatest achievements and biggest blessings.”
“I reckon I really screwed up with Noah,” he mutters.
My heart thuds at the sound of her name coming out of his mouth. We need to talk about her and what he'd done, but our heart-to-heart had to come first, which is why I brought him out here in the first place.
I clear my throat. “You wanna talk about it now?”
“I've never talked to her like that before. I know I overreacted, yet my temper got outta hand. She's never gonna forgive me.”
“She might. What triggered this?”
“It's stupid.” He shrugs, but I prompt him to tell me anyway.
“Craig Sanders says he saw her makin' out with someone in her truck at Twisted Bull the night we went to Lilian's Restaurant.
I guess it had me upset because I always thought we'd get back together.
When I could prove I was the right guy for her, she'd see that we're a good fit.
Decent job and new house. The next step is startin' a family.
When she rejected me, I dunno what happened.
I just saw red. The thought of her with another guy is somethin' I haven't had to worry about...until now, I guess.”
My back goes ramrod straight, waiting to see if he asks me what I think he will.
Does he know we rode together in her truck? Or does he assume we drove separately?
“You were there with her brothers, right? Did you see her with anyone? When she turned me down, I asked who she was datin', but she wouldn't say.”
“Um...yeah, there was one guy she was dancin' with.” It's not a lie, but I still feel like fucking shit anyway. “Well, she and Magnolia. They were out there for a while.”
“I shoulda known she'd find someone better.”
Jase feeling down about himself is linked to his lack of confidence. Another thing I should've taught him.
“You still love her, then?” I tread lightly, hoping I'm not making myself obvious as hell.
He shrugs, and my throat goes dry.
“I thought maybe I did, but then after talkin' to Gramma Grace, she kinda helped me realize I was in love with the idea of her. Having a partner, wife, someone to come home to. I love her as a person, I know that much, but as far as datin', I'm not sure.”
I blink a few times, confused if I should be relieved or not.
“Does that make sense?”
“Definitely.”
Not.
But I don't want to give him any room to find out the truth. Not about this.
It'll be a betrayal we can't come back from.
“You need to apologize,” I tell him. “To her brothers, too.”
“They kicked my ass! I'm not sayin' shit to them.”
I shoot him a pointed glare. “You put them in a position to protect their little sister.”
“They coulda minded their own business. Noah can take care of herself.” He nods to his groin, and I snort.
A warmth of pride fills me knowing that's true.
“I took a hit for you, too,” I remind him, smirking.
A small smile curls over his lips. “Shouldn't have tried to protect me.”
“Jase...” I say lowly. “I'll always protect you now.”
Even if that means protecting him from a truth that'd hurt him.
“You wanna come in for a beer?” he asks when I park in front of his apartment.
I throw my truck into park. “Yeah, I'd love to. But I can't stay too long since I'm judgin' tomorrow.”
“My boss is pissed I didn't get the booth set up. He sent someone else, but I know I won't be welcome to go now.”
I follow him to his door. “Give it a few days, then apologize and smooth things over. Noah seems like the forgivin' type.”
At least that's my hope.
“She is. Her brothers already hate me, so I'll never win them over.”
“I don't see why not. Y'all are rowdy and like throwin' punches.”
He scoffs, unlocking the door and going inside. “I reckon we need more than violence in common to stand each other. Don't exactly wanna have to dodge their fists every time I'm around.”
I crack up and nod in agreement as he leads me to the kitchen, then hands me a can from the fridge.
“Sounds like every other twentysomething hotheaded boy I've met.
Hell, I was one, too. Y'all will eventually grow out of it and make better choices.” I pop open the top. “Startin' with this cheap-ass beer.”
“Hey, I have a mortgage and bills now. Gotta be responsible and all that shit.”
Setting down my can, I take a few steps and pull Jase into my arms. I haven't hugged him like this since he was fourteen years old, and although he's a twenty-four-year-old man now, he'll always be a kid to me. A boy who needs his dad, no matter his age.
At first, I worry I've crossed a line, but then he shifts and wraps his arms around me, too.
And it's the best feeling in the world.
I can do this. I can be here for him while we work through the abandonment issues and surrounding grief. We can get to know each other again, and hopefully, one day, the pain I've caused will subside.
“I love you, Jase. I know I have a lot of makin' up to do, but I'm all in if you'll let me.”
When I release my hold on him, Jase's eyes are bloodshot.
“I'd really like that, Dad.”
It's the first time he's called me Dad with admiration in his voice.
“We've got some catchin' up to do.” I smile and lean against the kitchen counter.
“What do you wanna know first?”
“How about your first time drivin'?”
The corner of his lips tilts up, and he laughs. “Goin' right for the good stuff, eh?”
By the time I leave four hours later, my face hurts from smiling so hard. Jase and I needed this more than I wanted to admit, but it finally feels like we're making progress.